LICENSE TO DRILL
Chapter 2: The Spy Who Confused Me
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, DESERT, NEVADA
Bomb loosens the binds around his ankles just enough to click the heels of his shoes together three times.
BOMB
There's no place like home.
Tiny rocket nozzles emerge from the heels of his shoes and launch Bomb off the tracks a split second before the train races through the spot he was just in. Off screen, there's a loud crash of breaking glass. CUT to the abandoned truck sitting nearby, where we see the legs of Bomb's body sticking out of the truck's rear window.
Moments later, Bomb himself steps out from behind the truck eating a deli sandwich. He stops and turns to see the other Bomb sticking partway out of the truck, and he shakes his head in irritation.
BOMB
I lose more stuntmen that way.
STUNTMAN
(muffled)
I'm not dead!
Bomb reacts to the cry from the truck.
BOMB
Are you sure? You don't look well at all.
STUNTMAN
(muffled)
I'm getting better!
BOMB
Good show. Stiff upper lip, old chap.
Bomb walks away.
STUNTMAN
(muffled)
Please don't make me do this again!
SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of PLUGGED NICKEL, LAS VEGAS
CUT to INTERIOR: The casino looks no different from any other generic casino in any other James Bomb movie . . . except for the band playing on the stage, whose members are all alien species, and who are playing a very alien jazz ballad.
DIRECTOR (V.O.)
Hold it! HOLD IT!
The band abruptly stops playing as the DIRECTOR storms onto the set toward them.
DIRECTOR
I thought I told you, your movie is on Soundstage 7! This is Soundstage 9!
The aliens grumble as they pack up their instruments and bugger off. The director grumbles as he walks out of camera shot.
SLOW PAN across the casino floor to a blackjack table. A GAMBLER accepts two cards from the dealer, looks at them, and looks at the dealer:
GAMBLER
Hit me.
The dealer punches the gambler in the face. The now-unconscious gambler keels over.
SLOW PAN further across the casino to A. PAULING STENCH, who sits at a craps table nursing a drink and occasionally picking tidbits from a small snack bowl. His table and other tables at least two deep around him are empty due to his offensive body odor, and those other gamblers and dealers who are within sight of him have reactions running from faces screwed with disgust to just about to puke their guts out.
JERRY ATRECK appears, walking hesitantly toward Stench s table to sit down next to him.
ATRECK
I can't stay long otherwise your breath'll melt my new perm.
STENCH
Okay, we'll get right to the point. Did you get Bomb?
ATRECK
(grins)
By now Bomb is giving new meaning to the term "flat-broke!"
STENCH
Excellent! Your pay will be sent to you as arranged.
ATRECK
By the way, how did you know Bomb was going to be the one sent after you?
STENCH
He's always the one sent after the bad guy. Don't you watch the movies?
ATRECK
Nah, I prefer wrestling.
STENCH
I wouldn't have thought of you as the type to watch wrestling.
ATRECK
What do you mean "watch?"
Bomb walks in the casino's main lobby. From across the floor, Stench sees him. Angrily, he turns back to Atreck.
STENCH
I thought you iced Bomb!
ATRECK
I did!
STENCH
Then he must've thawed out awful fast because there he is!
Atreck turns around toward the direction Stench is pointing in.
ATRECK
I don't believe it! Bomb's still ticking!
STENCH
And if he sees us, our plans'll blow up in our faces!
ATRECK
Okay, don t panic. My boys are waiting by the slot machines. They can keep him busy while we skedaddle.
STENCH
Not yet. Right now, let's just keep as low a profile as possible and maybe he won't see us. I want to find out how much he knows.
Atreck gives Stench's snack bowl a disgusted look.
ATRECK
If you don't stop eating those garlic cloves, he's gonna know you're here for a start!
CUT to Bomb, who steps up to the bar and takes a stool in front of the BARTENDER on duty.
BOMB
Vodka martini on the rocks. Shaken, not stirred.
BARTENDER
Coming right up.
The bartender pours gravel into a tall glass, then pours the liquor over the gravel. He covers and shakes the glass briefly, then places it in front of Bomb.
BOMB
I see it's also easy to get stoned in Vegas.
(to the bartender)
I'm looking for a gentleman named Stench.
BARTENDER
There's no gentleman here by that name, but a jerk by that name is sitting over by the craps tables. And it looks like his mother's with him this evening.
BOMB
Are you certain?
BARTENDER
Pal, when he comes in here, the plastic flowers wilt.
BOMB
That sounds like the chap I'm looking for. What do you know about him?
BARTENDER
I know he has a place on Limburger Street next to the sewage treatment plant.
BOMB
Do the police know that?
BARTENDER
Even if they do, they won't go within a hundred feet of that building. Not without gas masks.
BOMB
Perhaps it's time I sniffed out some information of my own.
Bomb gets up and leaves the bar.
BARTENDER
Remember to hold your breath.
CUT to Atreck and Stench's table.
ATRECK
Uh-oh, he's coming over.
STENCH
Go get your boys. I'll stall him.
Atreck quickly leaves the table. A moment later, Bomb arrives.
BOMB
(to Stench)
Good evening. Where is your companion rushing off to?
STENCH
Uh . . . she has to powder her nose.
Bomb takes one sniff and immediately pulls a face.
BOMB
As well as disinfect it, I wager.
STENCH
Hey, if I want to smell like this, that's none of your business!
BOMB
It is if I'm downwind of you. May I sit down?
STENCH
No!
BOMB
Thank you.
Bomb sits down.
BOMB (cont.)
We know you were the one who stole those tiles, and we want to know who you stole them for. I'll make you a deal: You tell me who you're working for, and my people will take your cooperation under consideration.
STENCH
If you're so sure I stole some tiles, what makes you think I'd give them to someone else? I like a decorative bathroom too.
BOMB
Your idea of decorative is mounting fish over your mantle without the sanitizing benefit of taxidermy.
A WAITRESS approaches the table with a small tray and a piece of paper, which she hands to Stench.
WAITRESS
Here's the bill for your drinks, Mr. Stink.
STENCH
That's Stench!
WAITRESS
Whatever! Take a bath!
STENCH
(to Bomb)
Forgive me, Mr. Bomb, but I must leave now.
BOMB
Nonsense, I'll accompany you outside.
ATRECK (O.S.)
I don't think you'll be doing that, Sonny.
Atreck has just returned, with two of her THUGS.
BOMB
A pleasure to see you again, Miss Atreck.
ATRECK
You won't think so when my boys get through with you. Boys, you know what to do!
Atreck and Stench retreat toward the back exit, while the thugs herd Bomb toward a back wall. Bomb quickly pulls a pair of dice from his tuxedo pocket and holds them out in front of him.
BOMB
Stay back! These dice are loaded!
SCENE 3 - CAPTION CARD
"We apologize for the horribly lame pun. Those responsible for adding it to the script have been thoroughly beaten to a pulp."
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, PLUGGED NICKEL, LAS VEGAS
BOMB
Where was I? Oh yes, these dice are lo-!
THUG #1
We heard you the first time, and we're still nauseous!
THUG #2
And we ain't afraid of a couple of dice! So get ready for a pounding you'll never forget.
To the thugs surprise, tiny tranquilizer darts shoot out of the dice and hit both of them. The thugs fall unconscious.
BOMB
They've crapped out.
He rushes back to the bartender.
BOMB
Have the police pick up those two for questioning. I m going after - bartender?
He notices the bartender is slumped over the bar unconscious. The waitress from a minute ago approaches the bar and sees the bartender's condition too.
WAITRESS
He's been thoroughly beaten to a pulp!
BOMB
I wonder why?
Bomb quickly runs toward the casino's exit. The waitress follows him.
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, PARKING LOT, PLUGGED NICKEL
Just outside the casino, Bomb and the waitress spot Stench and Atreck getting into a car. Its engine guns and it takes off like a shot down the street, tires squealing. Bomb notices the waitress just behind him.
BOMB
I wouldn't follow me if I were you. This could become extremely dangerous and very action-packed.
WAITRESS
I have to come along! Those jerks never tipped me!
BOMB
Who am I to argue with a lady in distress?
The waitress looks at her dress.
WAITRESS
You like it? It came free with the job. Please can I go with you?
BOMB
Why not? You only live twice.
Bomb looks out onto the street and vigorously waves his arm.
BOMB
Taxi!
A taxi pulls up to the curb next to them.
BOMB
Follow that car!
The taxi immediately takes off after the bad guys car. Bomb and the waitress, left behind on the curb, turn to each other.
BOMB
Now that that old joke's taken care of, do you have a car?
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
The bad guys' car, with Atreck at the wheel and Stench in the passenger seat hanging on for dear life, races down the main thoroughfare of the city at least 30 MPH over the speed limit, bright lights of the casinos and hotels flashing by. With Bomb at the wheel and the waitress in the front passenger seat, their car isn't far behind, matching the bad guys excessive speed and eliciting sudden swerves, blaring horns, angry shouts, and obscene gestures from all the other drivers.
BOMB
Americans and their road rage.
He turns to the waitress.
BOMB
By the way, if we're going to be chasing them together, I'd like to know your name. We can't keep referring to you as "waitress" throughout the whole story.
WAITRESS
If you say so. My name's Lotta Busst.
BOMB
If there's a better name for a woman in a James Bomb movie, I don't know it.
SCENE 7 - PARKING GARAGE
The chase takes both cars into the parking garage. They circle the first level at speeds definitely unsafe for such a confined area, then go up to the second level and circle that one, then up to the third level to circle that one, then the fourth, then the fifth -
ATRECK
I've had enough Ring-Around-the-Rosey! Hang on, Sonny!
STENCH
What the hell are you doing?
To Stench's screaming horror, Atreck accelerates straight toward an outer the wall at the edge of the level, and smashes right through it, driving off into the open air. The car lands on the flat roof of the wide building next door and keeps going at full speed.
In the other car:
BOMB
Hold tight.
Bomb guns his car's engine and roars toward the broken wall. Busst's eyes bug out four times their normal size as the car drives past the edge, flies through the air with the greatest of ease, and lands on the other building too. He chases Atreck and Stench's car in one and a half laps around the roof of the building, until Atreck has to swerve to avoid three pigeons and accidentally drives over a skylight. The glass promptly shatters and drops the car into the building's third floor. The building turns out to be a shopping mall. They continue driving at full speed down the mall, with shoppers racing to get out of the way. Seconds later, Bomb's car falls through the skylight as well and resumes the chase.
SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, SHOPPING MALL
ATRECK
This is what I call power shopping!
Atreck swerves into a side passage, which turns out to be a lot shorter than she figured. The car almost immediately crashes through double-doors leading into a restaurant.
SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, RESTAURANT
Patrons and wait staff run, and tables and chairs fly everywhere. Bomb follows, the chase continuing through the dining area.
BOMB
I love these drive-thru restaurants.
Both cars crash through the outer wall of the restaurant and swerve onto another street.
SCENE 10 - EXTERIOR, STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
STENCH
This is an unbroken sequence! Do they have to designate a separate scene for every location in this chase?
ATRECK
No backseat screenwriting!
STENCH
How about passenger seat driving? CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO A BUS!
As their car speeds toward an intersection, Atreck sees the oncoming bus with only a split second to spare. She swerves desperately, sending her car into an uncontrolled spin. Bomb's car also has to swerve to avoid the bus and goes into its own spin. Both cars spin out of shot, and a second later we hear O.S. the multiple CRASH!'s and SMASH!'s of several colliding cars.
CUT to scene showing a ten-car pile-up that is the aftermath of the O.S. collisions. Atreck and Stench are in their car, dazed and bruised but otherwise still alive. Bomb and Busst are on the road several feet from the pile-up, apparently having been thrown from their car. They pick themselves up and dust themselves off, somehow having suffered no injuries.
BOMB
You see, Lotta? There was nothing at all to worry about.
BUSST
Because secret agents are real experts at death-defying escapes?
BOMB
And we all have a hell of an insurance policy.
Bomb's stuntman - the same guy from the beginning of this episode - crawls painfully out of the broken driver's side window of Bomb's car. His face is a mass of bruises, and the copy of Bomb's costume that he's wearing is badly rumpled.
STUNTMAN
(shaky voice)
Where's my insurance policy?
SCENE 11 - INTERIOR, W'S OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS
W is sitting at his desk when the intercom buzzes. W answers:
W
Yes, Miss Funnymoney?
FUNNYMONEY (V.O.)
I have Mr. Bomb on line 1, Sir.
W
Put it through.
There is a click over the line, indicated a telephone connection has been made to the intercom.
W (cont.)
Bomb, where are you?
BOMB (V.O.)
Las Vegas police headquarters, Sir. You'll be pleased to hear Stench and three of his accomplices are here in custody. Attempted assault and reckless driving.
W
Not exactly what I had in mind, but good work, Bomb. I'll arrange for their extradition to England at once. Is that all?
BOMB
Actually, no Sir, I do have a small request.
W
What kind of request?
SCENE 12 - INTERIOR, POLICE HEADQUARTERS, LAS VEGAS
Bomb is at a police lieutenant's desk, talking on the telephone, and being guarded by three policemen.
BOMB
Could you send someone to bail me out?
TO BE CONTINUED
This is an RC Gumby Production, but don't tell anyone you heard that from me.