LICENSE TO DRILL
Chapter 3: A View to a Smell
SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, W'S OFFICE, AM-I-SICK HEADQUARTERS, LONDON
W and BOMB face each other in the office. W isn't happy.
W
It's secret agents like you that make me wish I'd been a bus driver instead!
BOMB
I doubt that, Sir. A mundane occupation like that would soon drive you to distraction.
Pregnant pause.
W
Sometimes Bomb, I think if I hear one more pun from you, I'm going to put you in front of a firing squad.
BOMB
Really, it's not as if I'm the only one making puns. Look at the villains names, A. Pauling Stench and Jerry Atreck.
W
And on that note, Stench, Atreck, and their accomplices were bailed out by an unknown party just after you left the police station. I've sent another agent to track them.
BOMB
The bartender mentioned Stench had a place on Limburger Street. It's possible they went there.
W
Good guess, Bomb, but when our man arrived, they had already left again. But they left a few clues suggesting they're headed for Cairo.
BOMB
What sort of clues?
W
A stack of travel brochures for Cairo, receipts for airline tickets to Cairo, and the address of a rented villa in Cairo scribbled on a refrigerator notepad.
BOMB
Hmmm...
W
Precisely why our man's there now.
BOMB
Shall I go as well?
W
First, you'll report to U-Branch to pick up your new equipment. Then, once you arrive in Cairo, you'll make contact with our man, Agent 003.1416. I trust you can find him quickly?
BOMB
Easy as pi, Sir.
Bomb leaves W's office. W sits down again and activates the intercom.
W
Miss Funnymoney? Bring me a tall glass of antacid. Shaken, not stirred.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, U'S LABORATORY, AM-I-SICK
U and an assistant, P, are in a laboratory that's decked out like a mad scientist's laboratory.
P
U? I thought you were playing Q.
U
No, I'm playing U, a parody of Q.
P
I'm not a parody of Q, I'm just your assistant.
U
I'm not playing you, I'm playing U!
P
You're not me! I'm me!
U
No, you're P!
P
I know that, but who are you?
U
U!
P
I'm me! You're you!
U
That's what I said!
P
You said you were me!
U
No I didn't!
P
Yes you did!
U
I said I was U! The letter U!
P
(finally gets it)
The letter U? Not the pronoun you?
U
Yes!
P
Well, why didn't you say so!
U
I just did!
P
FINE!
Pause for P to get over being totally exasperated.
P
So you're U, I'm P, what's the name of M's parody?
U
W.
P
Double-me?
U
No, the letter W!
P
And you're letter U. So he's a double parody of Q?
U
No, he's a parody of M!
P
So is M a parody of Q? I thought you were!
U
I am!
P
So you're both parodies of Q?
U
No! I'm the parody of Q, and W is the parody of M!
P
That's what I mean! Why is W playing a double parody of Q while you're only a single parody of Q?
U
(totally exasperated pause)
Because all the other letters were taken!
Fortunately, Bomb enters the laboratory.
BOMB
Morning P, U.
U
Ah, Bomb! I have some new equipment to show you.
P
(to U)
What's Bomb's letter?
U
Shut up!
(to Bomb)
Come over here, 006 1/2, I think you'll like some of the things we've cooked up.
BOMB
Some really hot items, this time?
U
Really, Bomb!
U leads Bomb to a lab table full of equipment, and picks up a pen.
U
Twist the cap, and it 's a powerful micro-laser that cuts through anything.
BOMB
The pen really is mightier than the sword.
U picks up a set of cufflinks.
U
The cufflinks are breakable on impact, and contain anesthesia gas.
BOMB
I always like having a surprise up my sleeve.
U picks up a beanie.
U
The hidden motor is activated by a touch pad on the front of the brim, and it carries up to four hundred pounds safely.
BOMB
You always did have a head for fashion.
U
And then of course, there's your new vehicle.
BOMB
Ah, Aston Martin? Bentley? Porsche?
U
Schwinn.
U rolls a bicycle out from behind the lab table.
BOMB
. . . . Schwinn?
U
(annoyed)
Yes, Bomb, that little demolition derby you had in Vegas really cut into the movie's budget, so we had to scale back in several other areas.
BOMB
. . . . Schwinn?
U
Now don't be like that! This may not be as glamorous as you're used to, but it's still a product of U-Branch!
U shows off the bicycle's special features:
U
Smokescreen, front and rear automatic guns, turbo boost, ejector seat -
BOMB
Ejector seat? What's that for, to launch me out of harm's way in case of an impending collision?
U
No, in the event that your bicycle is stolen, the seat is rigged to pop off just as the would-be thief is about to sit down on it.
BOMB
(winces)
Ooo!
U
What, no bum-related pun?
BOMB
Give me a moment to get that painful image out of my head.
U gives him a moment.
BOMB
Right... Talk about giving crooks the shaft.
(beat)
And talk about giving me the shaft for having to drive this instead of a decent car.
U
Up your shaft indeed, Bomb!
SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CAIRO
PAN BACKWARDS to reveal the shot is P.O.V. from the balcony of Bomb's hotel suite. After Bomb finishes gazing out at the cityscape, he turns to his bedside dresser and picks up a tiny digital recorder. He plays the recording on it:
AGENT 003.1416 (V.O.)
Good morning, 006 1/2. I am forwarding this recording to your hotel suite to bring you up to date on my investigations. Stench and Atreck have just moved into their villa. There doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary about it. I don't know yet if this is related, but I located records of a large amount of construction in recent weeks with no documented location. Meet me at Saul Manella's Cafe this afternoon at one, and I'll provide more details.
(beat)
This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
Only one second later: KA-BOOM! The tiny recorder explodes in Bomb's face.
When the smoke clears, half of Bomb's bed and dresser are charred, Bomb's clothes are in burned tatters, and Bomb himself is black and blue and burnt to a crisp. The remains of the recorder, now on the floor beside him, suddenly crackle back to life.
AGENT 003.1416 (V.O.)
(with heavy static)
Sorry, I was never good at math.
Bomb pulls out his pistol and shoots the recorder's remains.
SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, STREETS OF CAIRO
Bomb, in a fresh suit, rides his bicycle through the city streets, hoping no one recognizes him. Not to maintain secrecy, to avoid embarrassment. Did I really need to explain that line?
Bomb pulls up to Saul Manella's Cafe. He sets his bicycle into a rack, pulls out an electronic keychain, and presses the LOCK button. The bicycle beeps in response, and Bomb enters the cafe, whereupon he immediately approaches the HEAD SERVER.
BOMB
My name is Bomb. James Bomb. I'm supposed to meet someone here at one o'clock.
HEAD SERVER
Ah yes, he rented a private room in the back. Walk this way.
The head server takes the lead, walking with a prominent and very peculiar limp. Bomb starts to imitate the limp when the server spins around and gives Bomb a piercing look.
HEAD SERVER
Don't even think about it!
Bomb walks normally instead as he follows the server.
BOMB
Some people just don't appreciate the classics.
The head server leads Bomb to an old door in a somewhat darkened corner at the back of the cafe. Bomb enters the room alone -
SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, BACK ROOM, CAFE
- and sees AGENT 003.1416 sitting at a small round table in the room, in front of an open window. He is a little bit slumped toward the table. Bomb sits down opposite him.
BOMB
I got your message, 003.1416. What can you tell me about this mysterious construction?
003.1416 doesn't answer. He doesn't even move.
BOMB
003?
Still no answer or movement. Bomb reaches over and jostles him slightly. This causes 003.1416 to slump over completely onto the table, and Bomb can now see the arrow shaft sticking out of his fellow agent's back.
BOMB
Looks like you got the shaft too.
Bomb pulls the arrow out of 003.1416's back. A trigger pin is attached to the arrowhead, and immediately a rapid ticking sound emerges from the body, building to a crescendo Bomb recognizes all too well. He throws himself under the table a split second before a bomb explodes, wrecking the whole room.
JERRY ATRECK enters the room, holding a crossbow and smiling at Bomb's body sticking out from under the ruined table.
ATRECK
A bomb for a Bomb! Heh-heh-heh-heh-OOOP!
Bomb suddenly trips Atreck, knocking her to the floor, while he wriggles out from under the table and jumps to his feet.
BOMB
Your bomb trap bombed.
Atreck suddenly trips him to the floor and jumps to her feet.
ATRECK
You bum, Bomb!
She shoots her crossbow at Bomb. Bomb grabs a broken chair seat to use as a shield. The arrow embeds in it and he jumps to his feet again, sprints to the open window and leaps out exclaiming:
BOMB
Bomb's away!
Atreck jumps through the window after him.
After a few moments, Bomb's STUNTMAN slowly pulls himself out from under the wrecked table, black and blue, burnt to a crisp, and wearing a tattered copy of Bomb's outfit.
STUNTMAN
(weakly)
Well, at least they didn't make me do the exploding recorder in the hotel.
He then looks down and sees another digital recorder on the floor, possibly dropped by 003.1416 before he was killed. It fizzles and starts playing with heavy static:
AGENT 003.1416
(V.O.)
This is a recording for James Bomb 006 1/2...
The stuntman starts crying.
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, CAFE
Bomb remotely unlocks his bicycle, jumps on, and pedals away. Atreck emerges from behind the cafe on a motorcycle, followed by three THUGS on mopeds, and they take off after Bomb.
What follows is a high-speed chase through the streets of Cairo, or at least as high-speed as you can be when you're chasing a ten-speed bike. Atreck has attached a long clip of arrows to her crossbow so she can fire it automatically and repeatedly. Her thugs use standard handguns to shoot toward Bomb. Bomb in turn fires back with the bike's rear-mounted automatic gun. Nevertheless his pursuers rapidly close the gap. Bomb activates the smoke screen, and a thick black cloud spews out from just under the bicycle seat.
THUG #1
Jeez! What's Bomb been eating lately!
Before he can speculate on that, and long before I can get that disturbing image out of my head, the smoke envelopes Atreck and her thugs. One of them spins out of control and swerves out of the smoke cloud going in the wrong direction. He drives through the door of a china shop. The multiple crashes and smashes from inside are self-explanatory.
Atreck and the other two thugs emerge from the smoke cloud still in pursuit of Bomb. Bomb pulls off one of his cufflinks and throws it behind him. It hits one of the other thugs and breaks, releasing a cloud of anesthesia gas that instantly puts the thug to sleep, still driving his moped. Bomb, Atreck, and the third thug make a sharp left turn at a busy intersection, but the second thug keeps going straight. Still sleeping, the thug's moped veers onto the sidewalk; many panicked pedestrians leap out of his way. Ultimately, his moped drives down the entrance to the subway system. The camera HOLDS on the subway entrance, while the sounds of multiple screams and squeals and the roar of a subway train followed by a loud CRASH! are heard. Again, self-explanatory.
Atreck and the third thug finish catching up to Bomb on either side of his bicycle.
ATRECK
Give it up, Bomb! You can't outrun me on a ten-speed bike!
BOMB
Actually, it s eleven-speed!
Bomb activates the turbo boost control, and the two protrusions that look like exhaust pipes on either side of the rear tire start shooting out flames, and his bike suddenly catapults forward at another hundred miles per hour of speed, leaving Atreck and her remaining thug in the dust.
ATRECK
That's what you think!
Atreck activates a similar control on her motorcycle, and it too shoots flames from its exhaust and catapults forward at a much greater speed. Unfortunately, her thug doesn't have that feature on his moped. Realizing he's now out of the race, he sighs and pulls over to the nearest grocery store, pulls out a shopping list and steps inside.
THUG #3 (O.S.)
Two pounds of chicken quarters, one pound of tuna, a quart of milk - you have 2%?
SCENE 7 - EXTERIOR, ELSEWHERE IN CAIRO
The chase reaches a long bridge over the Nile, is at a much higher speed now, and is just down to Bomb and Atreck. Just as Atreck gets close enough to Bomb that her crossbow shot can't miss, he raises his butt off the seat and activates the anti-theft control. The seat flies off and smacks Atreck in her face, causing her to lose control, swerve to one side, plow through several lanes of oncoming traffic, and drive right off the bridge.
Bomb quickly puts on his beanie and activates it, and he flies up into the air rather than have to sit back down on the seatless bicycle, while Atreck and her motorcycle fall a hundred feet into a garbage scow passing underneath the bridge.
BOMB
She looks down in the dumps.
SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, EXPENSIVE-LOOKING VILLA, OUTSKIRTS OF CAIRO
The villa is three stories tall and overlooks the famous pyramids. To avoid any possible traps or security monitors, Bomb puts on his beanie and flies up to the roof. There, he finds a skylight. Using the pen laser, he cuts off the securing latches, opens the skylight, and beanie-copters himself down into the villa.
SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, VILLA
The first room has nothing of interest. Bomb sneaks into the next room, a dark bedroom. After searching for a few seconds, he suddenly hears footsteps. Pulling out his regular pistol, he waits by the open doorway for whoever it is to enter. Whoever it is does enter and turns on the lights just as Bomb reacts. His planned reaction suddenly changes as he and the newcomer recognize each other:
BUSST
You again! What, are you and Stench roommates?
BOMB
Lotta Busst! What are you doing here?
BUSST
Looking for Stench.
BOMB
But how did you know where he's staying?
BUSST
Looked it up online.
BOMB
And how did you get in here?
BUSST
The back door was open.
BOMB
Well, you can close it on your way out again! You shouldn't be here, no matter how embarrassingly easy it was to find Stench!
BUSST
Hey, the tightwad still hasn't tipped me! I earned that fifteen percent, more than fifteen for having to put up with his stink!
BOMB
You really came all the way to Cairo just because Egypt you?
BUSST
(pulls a disgusted face)
Ewww! That's gotta be your worst one ever!
BOMB
Of course not, I can do a lot worse than that.
BUSST
That does it, I AM leaving!
BOMB
I'll escort you.
Before Bomb can lead Busst away from the building, he sees something on a desk.
BOMB
Hello, what's this?
BUSST
Looks like a jigsaw puzzle.
BOMB
Yes, a jigsaw puzzle made of broken ceramic tiles. The ones Stench stole! The question is: Who did he steal them for?
STENCH (O.S.)
That's for me to know and you to never find out.
Bomb whirls around and instantly covers Stench with his pistol.
BOMB
We already did that line. Sorry to drop in uninvited, but I don't believe these tiles belong to you.
STENCH
Finders keepers, losers weepers. Besides, you want to find out who Jerry and I are working for. Okay, I'll show you, but our boss wants you to be well rested before meeting him.
BOMB
I'll have a nap later. Now, raise your hands!
STENCH
I thought you'd never ask!
Stench raises his arms, exposing his armpits. Within moments, the wallpaper starts peeling, a potted plant on the dresser wilts, and Bomb and Busst fall to the floor unconscious.
TO BE CONTINUED
This is an RC Gumby Production. Any resemblance of the characters in this story to real persons, living or dead, is really unfair to those real persons.