LICENSE TO DRILL
Chapter 4: Live and Let Fry
SCENE 1 - INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM, VILLA, CAIRO
JAMES BOMB slowly wakes up in the bed, naked, covered only to his waist by a bed sheet.
BOMB
(murmurs)
Unnh . . . . My kingdom for a roll-on deodorant . . .
A woman's hand starts caressing his bare chest. As soon as he notices, his mood brightens a lot, a contented smile crossing his face.
BOMB
Mmmm. I love this part.
(beat)
Though I'm afraid I don't remember what happened, my dear.
(beat)
Of course, that usually means it was an extraordinary experience.
The owner of the hand sits up: It's JERRY ATRECK, grinning and wearing only a negligee.
ATRECK
I know it was for me!
Bomb's mood slowly changes from contented to horrified. Almost too afraid to look, he slowly turns around until he sees Atreck is in bed with him.
BOMB
GAAAAAAA!
Bomb vaults out of bed, yanking the sheets with him to strategically cover his body as he whirls around to confront Atreck.
BOMB
For God's sake, please tell me you weren't the overexcited walrus in my dream!
ATRECK
I may not have the looks anymore, Sonny, but I make up for it in experience!
SCENE 2 - JUST OFF THE SET
U
Not to mention liver spots.
With a loud KONK!, an alarm clock beans U on the head and he falls unconscious.
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM
Atreck looks off-camera, insulted.
ATRECK
(mutters)
Liver spots, my
(pause; clears throat, turns back to Bomb)
Listen Bomb, you better have enjoyed last night, cause it's the last night you'll enjoy before the boss starts working on you.
BOMB
Ah, am I at last to meet the mastermind of this drama?
ATRECK
You got it.
Atreck picks up her crossbow from the nightstand and aims it at Bomb.
BOMB
Isn't that a little old-fashioned?
ATRECK
I'm an old-fashioned gal.
BOMB
I don t know about "fashioned"-
ATRECK
Watch it, Sonny! I can bench-press you two hundred times with one arm tied behind my back, and don't you forget it!
BOMB
(rubs joints)
I don't doubt it. I've never felt this stiff in the morning in my life.
ATRECK
Not even after all those vodka martinis?
Bomb starts giving her a dirty look.
ATRECK
Hey, why should we have to suffer all the puns?
Atreck waves her crossbow and forces Bomb out of the bedroom.
SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, VILLA, JUST OUTSIDE CAIRO
Atreck and Bomb, who are now fully clothed - My god, there's a hole in the plot! - walk toward a jeep with a DRIVER waiting. Atreck still has her crossbow aimed at Bomb. A. PAULING STENCH and LOTTA BUSST, at whom he's aiming a pistol, are also waiting by the jeep.
STENCH
Morning, Bomb. Enjoy your sleepover?
BOMB
It was one I'll never forget. Try as I might.
STENCH
You might like to know I offered an unforgettable sleepover to your lady friend.
BUSST
(pulls a disgusted face)
Yeah, but after the first minute, I spent the rest of the night bent over the toilet.
BOMB
I don't blame you. I get flushed myself when I'm near him.
STENCH
Oh, I am SO gonna enjoy seeing you get bent, folded, spindled, and mutilated when we get to base!
Everyone gets into the jeep, which then drives toward the largest of the pyramids.
BUSST
Are we going sightseeing?
STENCH
Oh, it'll be a sight all right. Just wait!
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, SPHINX
The jeep drives up to the left paw of the Sphinx. The driver presses a secret button on the dashboard, and the giant paw lifts up to reveal a metal platform built underneath it. The jeep pulls up to a stop on the center of the platform, and within moments the platform begins descending into the earth while at the same time the paw lowers back to the ground.
BUSST
It's a secret elevator!
She's pretty swift, isn't she?
SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, ELEVATOR SHAFT
STENCH
How do you like the location of our secret base, Bomb? The perfect place to instigate our plans where no one would ever think to look.
BOMB
So you're involved in pyramid schemes now.
STENCH
I KNEW he was gonna say that!
(to Atreck)
Didn't you know he was gonna say that!
ATRECK
WHAT?
Atreck pulls cotton balls out of her ears.
ATRECK
What'd you say?
STENCH
Why do you have cotton in your ears?
ATRECK
In case Bomb made a wisecrack about pyramid schemes.
SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, VILLAINS' SECRET BASE
The elevator stops at the main level of the secret base. Stench and Atreck force their captives out of the jeep and walk them down a long corridor and into the base's command center. A motorized wheelchair is in the middle of the room, its back facing the newcomers, its occupant overseeing the entire operations of the command center.
STENCH
(to the wheelchair occupant)
Here he is, Sir. James Bomb, secret agent double-0-six-and-a-half.
Busst loudly clears her throat impatiently.
STENCH
(reluctantly)
And guest.
The motorized wheelchair swivels around, revealing its occupant to be ANGST BLOWHARD, a bald man in a black Nehru jacket and matching pants, stroking a white cat.
BUSST
Who's Daddy Warbucks' evil twin?
BLOWHARD
(smarmy, evil-sounding foreign accent)
Show respect, young lady. I am Angst Blowhard, commander-in-chief of SPACKLE, the most powerful criminal organization in the world.
BUSST
"SPACKLE"?
BOMB
SPecial Association for Cliched Konspiracies and Long-winded Exposition.
(to Blowhard)
Well-well, it's been a long time since I matched wits with you. Not that you had much to fight with.
BLOWHARD
Caution, 006 1/2. Time has not mellowed my dislike for your sarcasm, or my hunger for revenge on you.
BOMB
Nor your tendency toward campy villain dialogue.
Pregnant pause.
BLOWHARD
Bomb, does it ever occur to you that being a wiseass just makes the villains angrier, thus increasing your chances of suffering a horrible demise?
BOMB
I have to be me.
ATRECK
Don't count on being you for much longer.
BLOWHARD
I see you're already acquainted with Miss Atreck, Mr. Bomb. A remarkable woman, not only an accomplished assassin and her country's premier archer, but also the head of its tourist bureau.
BOMB
Archery, assassination, and tourism? An uncommon combination.
BUSST
Try saying that five times fast.
BOMB
No.
BLOWHARD
Mr. Bomb, let me try to guess another question on your mind: Where are the tiles now? See for yourself.
Blowhard gestures toward a large table near the wall. Bomb goes to the table and sees the completed tile puzzle on it.
BOMB
So you've finished the puzzle. What now?
BLOWHARD
Now I create the circuit from the design, of course. And a very useful circuit it s going to be.
(he strokes his cat)
Isn't it, my pet?
The cat meows. Subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen:
SUBTITLES
If this guy were any greasier, I'd slide right off his lap.
BLOWHARD
The circuit design was originally meant to control communications satellites, but with a few minor adjustments it can control military satellites just as well -
BOMB
(interrupts)
So that's your plan. You intend to take control of the world's military satellite networks.
BLOWHARD
(furious)
Damn it, Bomb! I was looking forward to boasting about my plans like a crazed villain, and now you've ruined it! Just for that, I'm putting you on my death device right now! Take him away!
Atreck grabs Bomb by the arms and drags him away.
BLOWHARD
Stench, have construction of the microchip begin at once, while I get a fresh pair of nose plugs.
SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, SOMETHING LIKE A CONCERT HALL, SECRET BASE
It looks like a concert hall in that there are many theater-style rows of seats around a central stage. On the stage is a long metal table along which Bomb and Busst are tightly strapped, head-to-head. Atreck finishes tightening the straps.
ATRECK
Comfy?
BOMB
As much as can be expected, though I didn't know Blowhard's executions were spectator sports.
ATRECK
Sometimes he invites friends over when he's rubbing out someone important. It's too bad your turn came on such short notice, or we'd probably have standing room only.
BOMB
If you want to wait and get the word out, I don't mind.
BUSST
I sure don't!
ATRECK
Oh no, I can't wait for this one!
Atreck steps toward a podium on the stage and manipulates the set of controls built onto it. PAN UP to see a giant laser gun suspended overhead. The laser activates and a bright beam hits the edge of the table at Bomb's end, powerful enough to slice right through the metal. The beam slowly moves along the table toward Bomb s spread legs.
ATRECK
That laser beam is strong enough to cut through inch-thick steel, so it should easily slice through you and your lady friend. And you'll notice the first part of your anatomy it's going to cut through is your most treasured part.
BOMB
You really know how to hurt a man. You expect me to beg?
ATRECK
No Bomb, I expect you to . . . well, you know.
(beat)
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to Blowhard and tell him you're about to do a split no ballerina could ever manage.
Atreck turns and starts to leave the stage, but then stops just short of the edge and turns around with a look of sudden insight.
ATRECK
On the other hand... Every time the bad guys leave the room while the hero is facing certain death, he always finds a way to escape from the death trap and the villains return to find them long gone. I think this time I'll stick around to make sure that doesn't happen. Hope you're not shy about dying in public.
BUSST
I am. I get stage fright.
ATRECK
Just wait. Soon you'll be beside yourself with fear.
BOMB
Best thing for that is to take a deep breath, Lotta.
BUSST
Easy for you to say! You must end up in death traps every week!
BOMB
No, really. Take a deep breath.
She reluctantly does so and holds it. Bomb sucks in a deep breath also, and kicks off his right shoe, exposing a dirty sock. Atreck immediately falls unconscious from the fumes.
Bomb then fumbles the laser pen out of his sleeve, activates it, and cuts the bonds on his wrist. He makes short work of the rest of his bonds, slips his shoe back on to cover the sock, and frees Busst as they both let out their held breaths and take in new ones.
BUSST
Was that one of Stench's socks?
BOMB
I slipped it on in his bedroom.
A GUARD barges through the entrance to the hall, followed by two others.
GUARD
Hey Atreck, you done with Bomb yet-
The guard sees Bomb and Busst alive and kicking, and Atreck sprawled on the floor.
BOMB
Thank goodness, I was afraid there wouldn't be an action sequence in this chapter.
GUARD
GET HIM!
The three guards rush Bomb. A free-for-all begins, fists flying in and out of a tight dog pile centered on Bomb as Busst watches in shock.
After several moments, Bomb's STUNTMAN drags himself partly out from underneath the pile of brawling guards, black and blue and wearing yet another mangled copy of Bomb s outfit.
STUNTMAN
They don't pay me enough for this!
With a horrified yelp, he's pulled back into the fight.
Suddenly a cloud of thick gas erupts from the fight. The guards quickly fall unconscious. Bomb - real Bomb, holding his breath again - emerges from the pile of bodies.
BUSST
The dirty sock again?
BOMB
No, anesthesia gas cufflinks. Pity, that sequence was a lot shorter than the others.
Footsteps begin to be heard from out in the corridor.
BOMB
But maybe we'll have another round. Stay here.
Bomb leaves Busst behind while he exits the hall to the corridor. He sneaks up on another doorway, gun at the ready. An armed man steps through the doorway, and Bomb grabs him from behind, chops the gun out of his hand, and puts him in a headlock.
When we get a clear view of the newcomer, it's FERRETS LOOTER, who in turn gets a clear view of Bomb.
LOOTER
Geez, Bomb! Don't you ever greet people with handshakes anymore?
Bomb immediately releases Looter.
BOMB
Ferrets Looter, my favorite CIA operative. What brings you here?
LOOTER
We've been after Blowhard for years, ever since he started impersonating an old-time TV detective. You'd never think such an evil character would like lollypops so much.
BOMB
And how did you find his base?
Looter responds by taking a short book out of his pocket, and showing Bomb that its title is "Map to the Villains' Hideouts."
LOOTER
This book's come in pretty handy for us. It shows Al Capone's secret vault, the address of John Dillinger s mother, and the spot where Jimmy Hoffa took his last swim.
BOMB
I'll have to buy a copy. So where's Blowhard?
LOOTER
I was hoping you could tell us. We just broke into the base and haven't found anyone important yet.
BOMB
What about the main control room?
LOOTER
Empty but messy. Looks like everyone left in a hurry.
Bomb leads Looter back into the concert-slash-torture hall.
BOMB
He must've finished the control circuit. Well, at least we have Atreck -
But only the unconscious guards are still in the hall.
BOMB
Escaped! And she's taken Lotta Busst!
LOOTER
"Lotta Busst?" Let me guess, your latest pick-up?
BOMB
I admit, it's not as subtle as with previous girls -
LOOTER
This entire base exploding around us would be more subtle than that!
They start hearing a regular electronic ticking.
LOOTER
I should've used a different analogy, right?
SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, MAIN CONTROL ROOM, SECRET BASE
Bomb and Looter run into the control room and discover the ticking sound is coming from the main computer, where a digital clock is counting down "00:53", "00:52", "00:51"...
BOMB
Quite.
Looter pulls out his pocket radio and activates it.
LOOTER
Looter to all agents: RUN AWAY!
Bomb and Looter and every other CIA agent in the place run away toward the secret elevator.
SCENE 10 - EXTERIOR, LEFT PAW, SPHINX
The left paw rises up as the elevator reaches ground level, and everyone aboard races off and drops to the sand, heads covered by arms, waiting for the blast.
KA-BOOM! The massive explosion is largely muffled by the weight of the Sphinx, but the entire area does shudder a lot. The only real visible signs are large jets of smoke erupting from the Sphinx's mouth and rear end, accompanied by a very loud sound of passing gas.
Looter turns to Bomb in disbelief.
LOOTER
SERIOUSLY? They turned the explosion under the Sphinx into a FART JOKE? The old, worn-out cliche of the villain's base blowing up, and that's the best the writers could come up with to lampoon it!
BOMB
Or perhaps they re just pandering to the lowest common denominator.
LOOTER
Oh, is that it! Forget about being clever with word-play, irony, and satire, they just figure the public only wants crude humor about gas and other body functions!
BOMB
I'm afraid that's the way the wind is blowing.
LOOTER
(beat)
Next movie, you're on your own.
TO BE CONTINUED
This has been an RC Gumby Production, based upon the many productions of Ian Fleming, who is now shaking and stirring in his grave.