LICENSE TO DRILL
Chapter 5: You'll Only Laugh Twice
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, SPHINX
FERRETS LOOTER and another CIA AGENT approach JAMES BOMB.
LOOTER
Looks like except for us and a few prisoners, everyone else escaped.
An onscreen caption flashes RECAP during Bomb's next line.
BOMB
And they've taken Lotta Busst and the finished circuit design. With it, they could hijack every military satellite network in the world. Are the prisoners talking?
LOOTER
They don't know anything. We searched the whole area with a fine-toothed comb -
CIA AGENT
We even used hair spray.
LOOTER
And we found nothing to indicate where Blowhard and his cronies went.
BOMB
We have to find out. Otherwise, not only will they be able to blackmail the entire world, but I may have to return to Britain without having a climactic battle with the story's villains. And what kind of James Bomb movie would it be without a big climax?
Pregnant pause.
LOOTER
I'm not even touching that one.
Bomb ponders for a moment, then his face brightens.
BOMB
Maybe I do know how to find Blowhard.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, TOURIST INFORMATION OFFICE, CAIRO
Bomb and Looter watch as a TOUR GUIDE accesses an online database of villains secret bases.
TOUR GUIDE
Here you go. Blowhard's gone to the Danforth Tracking Station in New Zealand. It's one of the more powerful radio transceiver facilities in the Southern Hemisphere.
BOMB
And the most isolated. The perfect place to take control of, and from which to take control of entire satellite networks.
LOOTER
Let's go.
(to the tour guide)
Thanks for the assistance.
Bomb and Looter exit the office. The tour guide calls after him.
TOUR GUIDE
If you're going by way of Hawaii, try a side trip to Mauna Loa! Dr. No-No just built a secret lab there!
SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, DANFORTH TRACKING STATION, NEW ZEALAND
The tracking station is located near the shore of one of New Zealand's fiords - large mountain lakes. Several satellite dishes are poised above the station on towers of varying heights. Blowhard's goons are busy working on the largest dish, while guards patrol the grounds below under JERRY ATRECK's command.
Bomb sneaks through the bushes surrounding the station, looking for a way past the guards. He steps loudly on a branch instead. A GUARD reacts:
GUARD
Over there!
Atreck reacts to the guard's reaction.
ATRECK
Get him!
Every guard in sight rushes toward the bushes. The STUNTMAN, wearing a fresh Bomb costume, is pushed kicking and protesting out of the bushes and into the guards' path.
STUNTMAN
No! Please! Not again!
He sees the guards approaching with fists flying.
STUNTMAN
(weakly)
Mommy.
CUT to a long shot of an extended sequence of fisticuffs and gunplay. CUT to a shot of the real Bomb, his tuxedo barely scratched, out in the open. Atreck loads an extra-large arrow on her crossbow and takes a bead on Bomb. The arrowhead is huge, steel-tipped, and razor sharp.
ATRECK
Eat arrowheads, Sonny!
BOMB
No thank you. I'm getting enough iron in my diet.
Atreck lets the arrow fly. Bomb picks up a heavy metal bar and, wielding it like a baseball bat - or maybe a cricket bat, after all, he's British and cricket's a much more traditional sport there than baseball is - on the other hand, the bar is pretty much round all the way along, while cricket bats are only round at the handle and are otherwise broader and flatter than this -
BOMB
Get on with it!
Oh - sorry.
At the instant the arrow reaches him, Bomb swings his makeshift bat and deflects the arrow into a long fly high into the air and back toward Atreck.
Not really thinking about it, Atreck sees the arrow arcing toward her, whips out a baseball mitt - I guess it was a baseball bat after all - and runs backwards to try and catch it.
ATRECK
I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I -
SHOOMP! THUD! Atreck falls to the ground with the arrow in her chest. Bomb runs to her and sees a note tied to the arrow shaft. He pulls off the note and it says: "She got it."
BOMB
What an arrow defeat.
Bomb suddenly looks off camera, and the stuntman staggers into shot, wearing a tattered Bomb costume, black and blue, bruised all over, and mad as hell.
STUNTMAN
(groans)
I hate you!
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, CHIEF OPERATIONS ROOM, DANFORTH TRACKING STATION
ANGST BLOWHARD is installing the new control circuit into the master controls of the station's satellite transceivers. A. PAULING STENCH watches close by. LOTTA BUSST is in the background, tied up in a chair, guarded by two trained skunks.
BUSST
(about to faint)
I hate you!
STENCH
(to Busst)
Ask me if I care.
BUSST
(losing consciousness)
Can't get enough fresh air to!
Blowhard finishes his work.
BLOWHARD
There, all preparations are complete. We can access the world's military satellite networks at any time.
STENCH
What do you think the resolution is on today's spy satellites?
BLOWHARD
They can easily identify individual people sitting in their own homes.
STENCH
Try 773 South Main in Reno first. I'm sure my girlfriend's cheating on me.
BLOWHARD
I've taken control of the most sophisticated intelligence and surveillance system modern technology can produce. With it I can learn all the military secrets of the world's nations and spy on their every move. And you want to use it to check up on your girlfriend?
STENCH
Hey, it's not every day I meet a beautiful young woman with no sense of smell!
BOMB (O.S.)
And no taste either.
Stench and Blowhard share shocked expressions.
STENCH
How'd you get in here! This place is crawling with guards!
BOMB
They're on coffee break. Union.
STENCH
Who'd you expect us to hire, Confederate?
BOMB
(cross)
I'll do the bad puns in this movie, thank you.
BLOWHARD
Don't just stand there decomposing, Stench! Stop him!
STENCH
(to Bomb)
Trick or treat! Smell my feet!
Stench slips his foot out of his shoe. Bomb quickly pulls out a spray can and sprays its contents toward Stench. Stench instantly starts choking and gagging, and he drops dead to the floor. The skunks take aim at Bomb. Bomb sprays them. The skunks run away screaming while Busst quickly revives. She reads the spray can's label:
BUSST
Air freshener?
BOMB
Call it a hunch.
BLOWHARD
You're too late, Mr. Bomb! I've already accessed the military satellite network, and my computers are filling with secret data, which I'll sell to the highest bidder -
Bomb interrupts Blowhard by shooting the computers with his pen laser. The computers short out with loud explosions and die with pathetic fizzles.
BLOWHARD
You - . . . YOU!
(beat)
Fine! But I still have the control circuit design -!
LOOTER (O.S.)
You mean this circuit design?
FERRETS LOOTER appears, holding a gun and a box that he shakes. The sounds in the box indicate it's full of broken ceramic.
LOOTER
Found it in the bathroom. Looks like they really were gonna use it for re-flooring.
He notices Stench's body.
LOOTER
What happened to Stench?
BOMB
I got fresh with him.
BLOWHARD
Oh to hell with it! I'm outta here!
Blowhard quickly wheels toward Busst and presses a button on his wheelchair. A hidden elevator lowers him and Busst's chair through the floor.
BOMB
You have to give him credit. He really believes in handicap accessibility.
A timer starts flashing on the remains of the computer terminal, counting down from "01:00".
LOOTER
He also really believes in blowing up bases!
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, DANFORTH TRACKING STATION
A combined team of Am-I-Sick and CIA operatives are mopping up the rest of Blowhard's minions when Bomb and Looter race out of the station.
LOOTER
THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
With a collective tired groan, everyone lies down on the ground and covers their heads with their arms to await the blast.
KA-BOOM! The entire station goes up in blazes. The tallest tower of receiving dishes suffers an explosion at the base and starts toppling over. It lands right on Bomb and Looter's position, but it's constructed of an open metal framework, and it's a gap between the support beams that lands over Bomb and Looter, leaving them completely unharmed.
When they realize it:
LOOTER
Now, this is better!
BOMB
Better? It's an even older cliche than the explosion of the villain's base.
LOOTER
But at least it's nothing to do with passing gas!
Bomb and Looter climb out of the crashed tower and rejoin their fellow operatives, who are herding their prisoners toward large boats waiting at the shore of the fiord.
BOMB
Any chance that Blowhard was captured trying to escape?
LOOTER
Doesn't look like it. Wait!
Looter looks further down the shore of the fiord.
LOOTER
Over there!
He points out toward a distant, smaller dock. He and Bomb see Blowhard powering up one of two hovercraft moored at the dock. Busst is in the rear of his hovercraft, still tied up as the craft takes off across the fiord.
BOMB
Ferrets, you take care of Blowhard's men. I'm going after him and Lotta.
LOOTER
When can I go after the beautiful girl?
BOMB
When you get your own movie series.
Bomb runs toward the dock, jumps into the other hovercraft, and takes off after Blowhard.
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FIORD
Bomb and Blowhard's hovercrafts chase each other across the fiord at high speed, bumping each other when they're neck and neck, dodging and swerving when they aren't. Blowhard tries shooting at Bomb. Bomb swerves and avoids the gunshots, while Busst tries to grab Blowhard's arm and stop him. Blowhard tries to knock her aside, and it ends up with both of them getting so frustrated they just rapid-fire slap each other's hands for several seconds until:
The chase rapidly and too closely approaches a barge covered with full clothes lines. Both boats put their fight aside and swerve to avoid hitting it, but the gale from their close passage rips several clothes off the barge. The clothes get blown onto both boats, covering their passengers. Bomb pulls a pair of panties off from around his neck.
BOMB
Funnymoney may like this. It looks her size.
The chase rapidly approaches a barge carrying oil drums. Both boats swerve to avoid hitting it, but the barge does too. In so doing, one of the oil drums falls over and bursts open on the barge's edge, smothering both passing boats with crude oil.
BOMB
Damn. This tuxedo is rented.
The chase rapidly approaches a farm boat, which also swerves to avoid collision and subsequently dumps mounds of chicken feathers on them.
BLOWHARD
(shouts to Bomb)
It's high time someone gave you the bird!
BOMB
I get birds in every movie!
BUSST
"Birds!" Haven't you ever heard of political correctness!
BOMB
This from a woman named "Busst!"
The chase rapidly approaches a fertilizer boat...
BOMB, BUSST, and CROWPELT
(in dismayed unison)
Oh no!
SCENE 7 - CAPTION CARD
"Scene omitted."
SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, FIORD
BOMB
Stench would have loved this.
(to Blowhard)
Will you kindly let go of Miss Busst!
BLOWHARD
I'm not letting go of her kindly or otherwise!
BUSST
Wait a minute! Laundry boats! Oil boats! Fertilizer boats! Whoever heard of boats like that traveling on a lake in New Zealand?
Fiord.
BUSST
Whatever!
BLOWHARD
Yes, well you see, originally the script had this as a chase between lawn tractors on a mountain highway. The writers thought that would be an amusing parody of a car chase. But later they remembered the movie already had two road chases already, so they needed to come up with something different, and so they rewrote this as a chase between hovercrafts instead.
BUSST
So they let the scene get completely unrealistic just so they could do a different kind of action sequence? That's stupid!
(beat)
In any case, they already did a boat chase way back in the teaser, so this is repeating things too! The only thing we haven't done yet is an air chase, so why not airplanes?
BLOWHARD
And have laundry planes, oil planes, and fertilizer planes? Don't be ridiculous!
BOMB (O.S.)
Who says we can't have air vehicles?
Blowhard and Busst look up in surprise to see Bomb hovering over their hovercraft, wearing U's flying beanie. Bomb swoops down, grabs Busst, and lifts her out of the hovercraft before Blowhard can stop them.
BOMB
As they say in America, see you in the funny papers!
BUSST
Say hi to Little Orphan Annie, Baldy!
Bomb and Busst fly away, far out of Blowhard's reach.
BLOWHARD
No! I won't be defeated so easily! I'll -
Blowhard's boat's motor sputters.
BLOWHARD
I'll . . . run out of gas.
The boat slows to a stop near the mouth of the fiord before it can turn away, and begins drifting into the mouth.
BLOWHARD
Wonderful! And NOW there are no other boats around! No one to lend me gas, is there? No one cares if the villain gets stranded in the middle of a lake -
Fiord!
BLOWHARD
Shut up! No one cares if I get stranded in the middle . . . of . . .
He notices the boat is drifting faster and faster through the fiord's mouth, and he starts hearing the roar of rushing water ahead.
BLOWHARD
Tell me they wouldn't.
They would: It's a waterfall.
BLOWHARD
I've just decided.
As his boat topples over the falls:
BLOWHARD
I HATE CLICHE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ES!
SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, HEAD OFFICE, UNIVERSAL EXPLOSIONS
W's intercom buzzes. MISS FUNNYMONEY calls him.
FUNNYMONEY (O.S.)
W? I have Mr. Bomb on Line 1.
W activates Line 1.
W
Bomb? I wanted to let you know the circuit has been brought safely to Britain and is now under production for the government. Good job. In fact, the Prime Minister wants you at Number 10 to congratulate you in person.
SCENE 10 - INTERIOR, LOTTA BUSST'S BEDROOM, LAS VEGAS
Bomb is on the phone with W while lying in bed naked with Busst, who is all but naked herself.
BOMB
Tell the Prime Minister I can be there tomorrow. I'm afraid I'm rather busy right now.
W (O.S.)
Who is she this time?
BOMB
Really, W. Have a little faith.
Bomb hangs up, then gazes at Busst, then looks toward the camera and smirks.
BOMB
I'm definitely keeping this role for any sequels.
BUSST
There's just one thing that would make this better.
BOMB
What's that?
BUSST
The title of this story: License to Drill. I'm dying to know what that's supposed to mean.
BOMB
Actually, that's quite simple. You see, as well as being on Her Majesty's Secret Service, I inherited the family well-digging business. And due to the depth and narrow width of modern wells, we have to use drills instead of shovels. So if I want to keep the business going -
BUSST
You need a license to drill! Ugh!
SCENE 11 - INTERIOR, MOVIE STUDIO
LOOTER
Drilling wells? What a cop-out!
BOMB
Well, we had to keep the story to PG-13 or less!
Filmed on location in the writer's imagination.
Extras provided by the voices in the writer's head.
Money provided by the underside of the writer's couch cushions.
Story presented by RC Gumby Productions.
RC Gumby Productions presented by RC Gumby.
RC Gumby presented by RC Gumby's parents.
RC Gumby's parents presented by -
BOMB (V.O.)
Oh, shut up!