Of Elves and Star Wars

By Haldirsbaby

Rated: M (for safety)

Time: Not movie or book verse.

Characters: Haldir, OC, Erestor, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Elladan, Elrohir, Legolas

Genre: Humor

Warnings: Adult Content. Implications, language, Completely Raw, and crude humor.

Spoiler: Haldir is alive, and he with his brothers and others are Rotten..its why we love them so much.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, its characters, Star Wars, or 'glow in the dark' condoms. The OC and plot, inspirations are mine. No money is made from this work of fiction. I completely respect Peter Jackson, Tolkien, and of course, George Lucas. There is no pun or malice intended in this work.

Summary: Find out what the elves decided to do to help the OC relax after a long day at work.

Note: I would like to dedicate this to a friend of a friend named Johnny. Who thought Glow in the dark condoms were cool and mentioned Star Wars.. Don't ask why he told it to me, I have no clue, He is who he is. The inspiration hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to share it. IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 TURN BACK NOW!

I came through my front door, hoping to find a decent and quiet evening at home with my hunky Haldir muse, and maybe a little chick flick action. But instead what I found, had me rolling on the inside laughing and a little appalled on the outside.

Haldir muse had told me he was going out to explore the establishments in the area, get to know the grounds around my town and familiarize himself with the people, but instead he and his brothers found the one place I never expected them to find. So you can only imagine what they were thinking by going in there.

I stepped into my door after hearing what sounded like the electronic sounds of a Light saber from 'Star Wars'. I furrowed my brow, hoping it was all innocent, with no such luck, they are elves. So I braced myself and slipped in unnoticed. Now I should say, what I found was a complete total opposite on what I had originally thought.

Inside, there sat Haldir, both his brothers, Erestor, Glorfindel, both of Elrond's Twins, and Legolas in various places about the room. All engrossed in some sort of exploration of two certain brown paper bags in which was not known to me. I watched in silence.

My eyes fixed on the eight very handsome, hunky elves, all of which has their own charming flare, it soon came to me what they were doing. Instead of them watching the flick 'Star Wars' they sat there each with a very large stick looking things in their hands that jiggled with movement and stretching out what looked like brightly colored balloons.

Something about the way the sticks were shaped caused me think on it. It looked strange and yet excitingly familiar to me. When the thought struck me and I know beyond all reasoning, I nearly fainted. Each one of the sticks had to be at least three inches in diameter and about two feet long with two heads.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head, when Elrohir and Elladan stood up after putting the balloons on the their sticks and began to spar. Each challenging each other.

Too shocked for words, and I know, cause when I tried to speak, nothing came out. My jaw dropped, my eyes fixed upon the desk. There sat this extra-large box of condoms, that read on the package, "Glow in the Dark". It got more strange when Legolas stood up, turned the lamp on and off, the little 'balloons' lit up and then off again with each flick of the switch.

After a few more moments, I heard Rumil and Orophin began to hum the theme song to 'Star Wars' and began to fight with their two sticks. Next what came, caused me to just about pee myself laughing. Haldir and Erestor, who both are usually so reserved, and so grounded, stood up and began fighting each other, both making the electronic swishing sounds of the Light sabers from the movie.

My only thought: What the Fuck!

I watched in silence as a battle ensued between the six elves, blond and dark color hair all flying about the room, their stances each matching each other. Then it happened.

CRASH! There went the computer desk.

BANG! There went the darn chest of drawers to the floor.

Then a quick "Oomph!". There went Haldir to the floor as Elladan and Elrohir knocked him over with the giant double-headed dildo saber. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I said it...dildos.

Soon, Legolas and Glorfindel, who both decided to add the special effects to the shebang both began humming the theme song again and turning out the lights so the 'dildo light sabers' could be seen. Then the grunts of Orophin and Rumil as they bashed each other with their 'little light' up swords. The fight was unlike anything I had ever seen. After a few moments in the dark, watching the fight go on, I had had enough.

"What in the Hell is going on here!" I yelled out, turning on the switch near the bedroom door.

All the elves stopped hid their little dildo light sabers behind their backs, looking innocent and completely like children in a real pickle of trouble. Haldir smiled broadly. "Hey, baby, When did you get home?" he asked taking his free hand, hoping I would not see, and knocking the box of condoms off the desk to the floor at his feet then tried to hide the box with his foot.

I walked like a sly cat into the room, making my way over to where the box of condoms now laid. I picked it up, and read the carton out loud. "Condoms of Champions: For his and her pleasure. Glow in the Dark." I reached in the box, pulled out one of the little square packages and held it up so they could all see. "Gee, I do not think I have to ask where the hell you got all these." I picked up one of the double-headed dildos and held it up. I looked at it, a sly smile on my face appeared. Haldir threw down his 'Sword' and smiled nervously. He went to speak, but I cut him off. "Save it, Haldir. Why pray tell me, are you guys playing with dildos and glow in the dark condoms?" I asked, trying very hard not to laugh at their faces as they shown with embarrassment.

Elladan looked at me, his eyes showing no signs of remorse. He smiled broadly. "It's Leggy's fault. He said it would be cool to play Star Wars."

Leggy who was now completely, utterly speechless went to charge at Elladan, but was held back by Glorfindel and Rumil. "You Lie, you dark-haired Freak of Elven nature!"

Elrohir piped in. "Yeah, its Leggy's fault. He introduced us to Star Wars the other day, and we then in turn introduced Haldir, Rumil and Orophin. We all wondered if it was different from actual swords."

I looked at the elves shocked by this blame game. "Guys, does this look like the damn Light saber from the damn movie?" I asked them grabbing the dildo at Haldir's feet. "Look it is flesh colored, rigid, and, my god, it has two freaking heads! Not to mention, it has no freaking 'turn on' switch nor does the damn condom cut through flesh like it ain't nothing'"

"Who needs a 'turn on' switch? One look and the saber just calls to the lust deep inside." Glorfindel said smiling. Haldir hit him in the chest to shut the Balrog slayer up.

Now completely amused deep within that these elves, considered so intelligent, curious, and revered among the people of middle earth, could be so, darn silly. Haldir smiled at me. "Sweetling, it was just a bit of fun. That is all. Do not fault us."

I looked at him utterly surprised by his actions. "Haldir, shut up, you silly goof ball! I thought you were just going to check out some of the stores. My God! Did you have to check out the adult store? I mean, you of all people should know about this stuff. You know better. I mean, hell, you watch lesbian porn on my computer when you think I am asleep..EWW Totally gross I might add. Did you honestly think I would not say anything about this?" I said shaking the darn dildo in my hand and it jiggled around. The others in the room began laughing at me. Haldir shook his head.

"Well it looked interesting from the outside." he defended himself. Before I could respond I was cut off.

"Okay, so this was all a gag. You can not say it was not funny. Honestly, I mean, all we did was find it interesting. A mockery really." Erestor defended their actions.

I looked at him, then the evidence around the room. The condoms they had tried on the end of these monstrous dildos. I smiled. "It was a bit amusing, but do not do it again. I mean, hell, guys, did you have to do it today?"

Haldir, being his normal self again, smiled wrapped an arm around my shoulder, kissed my forehead. "Yes. We all know how much you have been working, we thought we could help you out by creating a diversion."

Sarcastically I looked at him smiled. "Aww, baby, that is so sweet. Now get this shit out of here." Leggy, Orophin, Rumil, Glorfindel, and Erestor began to gather up the dildos and the opened condoms. Elladan and Elrohir opened the bags as they dropped them in. After they were done, and just as Rumil went to pick up the condom box, I stopped him. "No. These stay here."

He looked at me funny, smiled, then left with the others. Holding up an unopened package, I looked at Haldir, a devilish grin plastered on my face. "Hey Haldir."

He looked at me strangely as he was cleaning up the paper on the floor. "Yes?" he said cocking a brow.

"How about we see how these measure up on real hard pole." I wiggled a brow.

He cocked his head to the side then smiled. "I was thinking of that earlier today."

He stood up, grabbed me around the waist. I wrapped my fingers in his unbound hair. "Only, this time, I do not want to hear the theme song to Star wars, alright?"

He smiled down at me, and kissed my nose. "Why?"

"Because if you do, it will burned into the memories of our relationship forever. And I do not want that." I kissed his lips.

The END...until next time...

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