The First Time Yukio is Forced to Lie to Rin
Yukio has been studying exorcism for about six months before Rin finally comments about Yukio being oddly absent from their home.
"Hey, Yukio, where do you go after school?" Rin asks, his voice full of innocent curiosity.
The question catches Yukio off-guard, and he's not sure why he hasn't considered that Rin might notice him spending much of his time elsewhere. Unaccustomed to deceiving others, especially his twin brother, Yukio flounders while trying to find an appropriate answer. "Ummm… just an activity," he says, deciding to be vague.
"Really?" Rin asks, his lower lip puckering thoughtfully. "What kind of activity?"
A myriad of topics Yukio can use as an excuse flash through his mind. After a long pause, he settles on, "Softball?" He cringes at the uncertainty in his voice that sounds apparent even to him. As guilt from the lie starts to gnaw on his conscience, he tries to convince himself that training in the batting cages counts as softball.
"Do you think that maybe it's something I could do, too?" Rin asks.
Yukio feels as if someone has punched him in the gut. 'How am I supposed to answer this?' he asks himself. 'How do I discourage Rin without hurting his feelings?' As he opens his mouth to give an answer, any answer, he can't help but notice the hopeful look in Rin's eyes. Instead of uttering words, all Yukio can manage to get out is a pained squeak.
'I can't,' Yukio thinks wildly. 'There's no way I can tell Rin "no." He already suffers from isolation without me adding to that feeling. I understand the loneliness he deals with, because I feel it, too. I can't hurt my brother in the same way I hurt.' His bottom lip starts to tremble, and warmth gathers in his eyes.
When Yukio remains silent, Rin persists with pleading his case. "It's just that I miss having you around. You're gone a lot, and when you come home, you're always reading books."
Yukio's chest tightens uncomfortably. As thickness builds in his throat and wetness continues to pool in his eyes, he knows the time frame he has for answering grows shorter. Even though the idea of crushing his brother's plans of spending more time with him breaks Yukio's heart, he knows that this action must be taken to protect his brother.
So, Yukio forces himself to say, "There are a lot of people. It requires teamwork, and I'm not sure it's something that would come easily to you." Yukio feels awful at having to lie to his brother, especially when the fib is harsh and hurtful. Yukio lowers his head, too ashamed to even meet his brother's gaze.
"Oh," Rin answers.
The lackluster tone in his brother's voice alarms Yukio, who looks up once more. Rin has a crestfallen expression on his face. Inside, Yukio feels his heart crumbling into tiny pieces. He doesn't want to upset his brother like this. 'I'm doing this for your own good,' he screams on the inside, hoping that by some miracle his brother receives this telepathic message. "It's just not something I think is suitable for you," he says, attempting to explain his lie.
When the dejected look doesn't lift from Rin's face, Yukio's feelings of helplessness cause the first of his tears to fall. As he blinks, the moisture continues to stream down his face.
"It's okay, Yukio," Rin comforts. "I didn't mean to make you cry. We'll find other ways to spend time together." With that, Rin gently brushes away the wetness staining Yukio's cheeks.
Rin's placations only make Yukio feel worse about his treacherous deceit. Yukio wants to throw himself in his brother's arms and beg for forgiveness for being so unkind… and for lying. Yes, a part of Yukio desperately wants to tell his brother the truth. He has never kept secrets from Rin before. However, he understands the reasoning behind having Rin's true nature remain confidential.
Yukio supposes emotional strength is just another type of resilience he is attempting to learn from his father; however, he has never felt further from achieving this goal. Managing to flash his brother a watery smile, he says, "I'm sorry." The words seem insufficient to make up for the pain caused, but this apology is the only consolation Yukio can offer.
Losing the battle to keep his emotions in control, Yukio runs from his brother. The action may seem dramatic, but he considers it the only option, lest he starts sobbing and telling his brother all of the secrets he has been keeping. Yukio finds sanctuary in one of the unused prayer rooms of the monastery. He sits between two rows of benches, knowing this placement will make it harder for Rin to find him.
'I'm sorry, Rin,' Yukio thinks, the tears still coursing down his cheeks. 'But I have to lie to protect you. I have to sacrifice your emotions now… for the greater good of keeping you safe.' Even as he tries to rationalize his hurtful dishonesty, Yukio still can't help but feel like he is the most wretched little brother in the world.
Author's notes: Arrrg, words! I wish they'd come more easily. I wanted to do something touching between kid!Okumuras. I'm not sure if I did them justice, but I hope I did (and that you guys all enjoyed reading). As always, thoughts and con-crit are welcome.