The First Time Rin catches Yukio Sneaking Home After a Mission
Yukio returns from his latest mission in a particularly foul mood. Thankfully, tonight isn't the worst of nights that he has lived through. On the worst nights, his comrades lose their lives. Earlier tonight, Yukio saved a fellow exorcist's life, even though he hadn't been able to save his co-worker's leg.
Although back home at the monastery, Yukio still finds himself distracted by the events of his last True Cross Order assignment. So instead of using his customary stealth while sneaking back into the room he shares with his twin, Yukio enters the bedroom normally gambling that Rin won't wake up.
'I've been a meister for nearly a year, and Rin has yet to wake up during me returning from missions,' he reasons.
As Yukio heads to his closet, rage and helplessness well up within him. "Goddamnit," he whispers in frustration. Something about him, Satan's son, cursing God strikes him as comical, and he can't help his mouth from twisting upwards into a bitter smile.
'I didn't get my proposal to Mephisto fast enough,' Yukio laments, dropping his long, black coat onto the floor. This proposal, which he has been working on for the last three months, details the importance of having more than one qualified doctor assigned to each mission. Yukio meant to finish the official paperwork earlier, but with high school exams quickly approaching, he prioritized studying.
'Great,' Yukio thinks sarcastically. 'I sacrificed Honda's leg… so I could get into True Cross Academy.' With lives on the line, the concept of high school suddenly seems silly. Yukio knows that even if he does not secure the scholarship he is aiming for, Mephisto would pull strings to allow him to attend True Cross Academy for free. However, Yukio's pride rebukes the idea of accepting charity, which pushes him to put in the effort to earn a scholarship. In the end, another exorcist paid the price for Yukio's ego. The guilt that rushes through Yukio settles as an uncomfortable knot in the pit of his stomach.
With a heavy sigh, Yukio gingerly moves his left shoulder. His father redressed his wound upon his return from the mission. However, under the compress of herbs and bandages lay ribbons of slashed flesh, tendons, and muscle.
'I had to administer first-aid on myself first,' he tries to convince himself. 'Otherwise we both would have died. There's no way I could have saved Honda with my left shoulder untreated. I would have been useless without my left arm. I was the only doctor on that mission. The necrosis spread so quickly. I did the best I could...' His rationalizations do nothing to assuage his guilt. Yukio always feels responsible when people get hurt or killed on one of his missions, and his failures keep on piling up in front of him. 'I'm not sure how much more self-blame I can bear.'
"Yukio?" Rin's voice rings out from the darkness, catching Yukio off guard.
"Rin?" Yukio asks, feeling a nervous sweat break across his forehead. In this precarious state of mind, Yukio doesn't know if he can handle his brother. "What are you doing up? You're usually such a sound sleeper. I'm sorry to have wakened you."
"Nah," Rin responds easily. "It's not you. It's just that the injuries from the fight I got into earlier today are just a little painful. They've kept me up tonight."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Yukio responds. Although the sympathetic words leave his mouth easily, he can't help but feel disconnected from his brother's problems. Rin's anger management issues and petty fights don't seem nearly as serious as Yukio's own daily battles for survival. At the young age of fourteen, Yukio has already witnessed more death, gore, and violence than he would wish on even his worst enemy. Earlier tonight he had to cut out a massive chunk of a co-worker's right calf without having enough anesthetic on hand. The memory of his fellow exorcist's shrieks of agony still echo in Yukio's mind, chilling him to the bone.
"So what are you doing up?" Rin asks, his voice soft and good-humored. "Sneaking back home after meeting girls?"
"Yes, Rin," Yukio retorts, his voice full of sarcasm. "I was out meeting girls all night." Yukio can't help but think about how ridiculous this conversion is – his brother accusing him of something as frivolous as dating when in actuality he has just returned from performing an on-field surgical procedure that came close to amputation. With a sad sigh, Yukio realizes how different his world is from his twin's.
"You don't have to be mean," Rin mutters back. "Just what were you doing? I thought you always went to bed early - something about how a well rested mind does better at school."
Yukio exhales loudly. His need for sleep is one of many lies he has invented over the years to keep Rin's curiosity at bay. Yukio has been faking going to bed early for months. This lie is easier to maintain than constantly coming up with new stories as to why he needs to leave their home every night.
Truthfully, Yukio hasn't slept more than five hours a night since he has become a meister. His exorcism studies and duties, as well as normal school work take up too much of his time, forcing him to sacrifice sleep. "No, brother," he says, the lie forming in his head as he speaks. "I was downstairs studying. I've got entrance exams to take soon. Even I have to study for those." Yukio congratulates himself on the plausibility of the fib.
'When was the last time I had trouble lying to Rin?' Yukio wonders. When searching through his memory yields a blank, Yukio instantly feels ashamed that having to deceive his brother has become such a common event.
"Hey, Yukio, are you okay?" Rin asks.
Yukio hears the rustling of fabric and creaking of bed-springs.
"I'm fine," he replies, dismissing Rin's worries. On inspiration, he adds, "I was just wondering if I needed to get you some ibuprofen or something for the pain." It's another lie, but he knows Rin won't be able to tell.
The light thumping noise that gets louder tells Yukio that Rin is approaching him.
Yukio reaches out, hesitantly, his fingers weaving their way through the darkness until they collide with something solid. The curvature of the surface tells Yukio that he has come in contact with Rin's shoulder. "There you are, brother," Yukio says, dropping his hand so he can grab Rin around the wrist. "It's hard to see in the dark."
"Hey, Yukio. Thanks… for taking care of me," Rin says.
Rin's words surprise Yukio, whose heart swells with emotion. These little gestures remind him why he sacrifices his livelihood daily. Although this simple statement does not include appreciation for everything Yukio has gone through for his brother's behalf, Rin's recognition in any capacity is all Yukio needs most of the time… not all of the time, though.
Stopping suddenly, Yukio lets Rin's wrist go and turns to face his brother, only to have Rin run promptly into his chest. For a moment Rin stands still, and Yukio fights the urge to wrap his arms around his twin in order to remind himself the reason behind his sacrifices. His control trumps his emotional whim. "It's just nice to hear you say that every once in a while," Yukio whispers.
Rin grumbles something unintelligible in response, and the mood is broken. Together, the twins head downstairs, and Yukio grabs a bottle of ibuprofen and two glasses of water. He purposefully sets out two pills for Rin, and when his brother isn't watching pops a small handful of the painkillers into his mouth. As he swallows the medicine, Yukio tries to convince himself that Rin's innocence is worth the damage to his physical and mental health, because at times, especially following particularly awful missions, Yukio really isn't sure.
This moment forces Yukio to realize how different he is now than from when he started studying exorcism. At the age of seven, he was nothing more than a boy with high hopes and noble purposes. He wishes he could return to that simple, emotional state, when all he wanted to do was to repay a debt to his brother who constantly saved him in the past.
However, in the last seven years, Yukio has grown more quickly than he imagined was possible. The carnage associated with battle forces Yukio into adulthood at an early age, and he finds himself unable to completely separate his negative feelings from his twin. Every horror Yukio has witnessed, and every terror he has lived through only emphasizes the fact that he constantly sacrifices himself for Rin's sake. Sometimes he thinks that his sole purpose is to serve as a martyr for his twin.
'I'm tired of shouldering the karmic burden for the both of us.' The thought flashes through Yukio's mind reflexively. Just as quickly, shame floods his consciousness.
Deep inside, Yukio knows that since Rin is oblivious about his true identity, Rin cannot be blamed for Yukio's situation. However, Rin's very existence causes Yukio's suffering. These opposing emotions tear at Yukio's psyche. Even though Yukio's feelings regarding Rin are conflicted, his own feelings about himself have never been clearer. 'I'm such a weak, hateful being,' Yukio can't help from thinking. 'I wish I could be better for you, Rin. I wish I have the same strength of spirit as you do, to give and save selflessly. But I can't stop myself from feeling the way I do. I'm sorry that you got stuck with such a wretched little brother.'
Author's Notes: I wanted to get something out for the twins' birthday, so here it is. Basically, this chapter contrasts the previous one to show how Yukio's burden as an exorcist has affected him. His love for Rin is still exists, but things get complicated…
This chapter is probably going to be the last of this fic (at least for a while). When I started thinking about Yukio's life as a student at exorcism cram school, I thought that having classes with people several years his senior would make for some interesting encounters. However, this would require fleshing out OCs and contemplating how people we see as his peers in the series (i.e. teachers who are currently teaching Rin and potentially Shima's older brothers) would have interacted with him. I sort of started the next chapter, and it just became difficult. So I got discouraged.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and the fic overall. As always, any comments (or encouragements to continue) are welcome.