I think I'll pace my apartment a few times
and fall asleep on the couch,
and wake up early to black and white reruns
that escaped from the mouth.
All I wanted was you.
All I Wanted, by Paramore
"Dad?" I started on Monday morning, staring into my cereal bowl like it had all the answers.
"Hm," he grunted, reading the paper.
"Have you had any like, serial killers in your interview room?" I asked casually. He glanced up, looking alarmed. "Or just really good liars?"
"I've had some liars, yes," he started carefully, folding his newspaper as he stared at me, probably wondering what I was getting at here.
"Well, how do they lie so convincingly? Or how can you tell when they are lying?" He stared at me, so I just blurted out why I was asking. "How can I lie to be believable?"
"Bella you're concerning me," Charlie said gruffly. "Is this about that boy again?"
"Never mind," I muttered, going back to my cereal. After a few more long moments of staring, Charlie returned to his morning ritual as well.
I gulped as my phone buzzed. I pulled it out, my heart racing as I read the text message I'd just been sent.
From: Edward Loveofmylife Cullen
Hmm. I'd been meaning to erase that but somehow just hadn't gotten around to it.
Good morning. I trust you didn't sleep well because you miss me.
I sighed, burying my head in my hands. This was not the first text like it that I had received over the weekend. I didn't respond to it. Again. I shoved it into my pocket and resisted the urge to pull it out when it vibrated against my thigh a few seconds later.
"And I still can't switch schools?" I asked the newspaper hopefully.
"No Isabella!"
Oops.
Edward's car wasn't there when I pulled up to school. This caused simultaneous relief and panic. If he wasn't here I wouldn't have to face him. But not knowing when he was here would allow him to show up unexpectedly and catch me with my guard down.
"Hey Bells."
"Hey Mike," I said distractedly. Mike had adopted this practice of walking me into school at the end of last week and since I didn't really have any reason to object, I didn't stop him. Besides, the company was kind of nice in a backwards way.
"How was your weekend?" he asked conventionally. We stopped under an awning as we stepped onto the campus.
I shrugged. He wanted to really know as much as I wanted to tell him. "Fine. How was yours?"
"Great," he said excitedly. "I hung out with Tyler and we ran across a trailer for a new movie coming out this Friday. It looks really cool and right now I'm looking for people to come with me - "
"What movie?" asked a light, easy voice with about a thousand viles of poison laced through it. I froze as I felt him walk up next to me.
"Oh um..." Mike was glaring at the sidewalk, clearly not wanting to be telling Edward anything. "Just some dystopian drama - " I looked up, startled, to see Mike grinning at me. I had no idea Mike knew what 'dystopian' even meant, much less that he was prepared to casually use it in a sentence, " - with a little bit of action and romance. Sounded like fun for everyone."
Edward nodded, a small smile on his face as his eyes lingered on mine. "I'm in. Let me know when we're going, okay Bella?" He casually touched my arm and a shock went through us that sent a flinch through me.
Edward recovered quicker than I did. "I'll see you in class Swan," he said, smiling lazily at me. But his eyes. Oh, they were dangerous as he loped away.
"O - okay," I breathed out even though at that point he was way out of earshot. My mouth stayed gaped as I relived that brief touch in my mind and the static that still tingled my arm. Eventually Mike muttered something about getting back to me about the movie and walked away, disgruntled. I hardly noticed.
I realized quickly that it was going to be a different exercise in torture now than last week. Last week, on top of my pain, I had to watch Edward's - which hurt me infinitely more. His perfect face was brooding angry while his eyes gave away how sad he was. When I first met him, he looked almost like that. But it was worse last week - and I had done it to him.
This week, however, not only did I have to deal with my continuous pain still, but I had to deal with Edward at his most irresistible. He was charming, laughing, and would not let me escape his attention or gaze. He reminded me with every glance or clever word why I fell in love with him - and damn it all to hell if I didn't hate him a little bit for how hard he was making this. Couldn't he see this was for the best? Couldn't he just leave me in miserable peace?
Apparently not.
I had thought that at lunch I could escape the torture of being class with him by taking my now-normal refuge in the library. I put my head down to try to make up for the rest I was habitually missing at night. And was quickly interrupted by the sound of a chair scraping against the linoleum as it was pulled out next to me.
Kill me now, I internally groaned before begrudgingly raising my head to meet Edward's handsome, controlled face.
"Yes?" I asked a little testily. When he was acting miserable there was no way I could summon up any anger except at myself. But having to watch him laugh and talk normally to people all damn day gave me permission, I felt, to feel annoyed.
"You did not answer my text messages this weekend," he said, eyes narrowing. He leaned in close, too close for me to move away without making it obvious what I was doing. And I was done showing weakness. Clearly that had been a mistake.
"So?" I muttered, lowering my eyes to my prop-textbook open on the table. "I don't owe you anything."
"I thought that you said you still wanted to be friends," he said slowly. "And perhaps I was too hasty in rejecting that offer."
I bit my tongue. His messages had not contained any purely friendly content and I knew what game he was playing. But if I said anything, that would be like setting the timer on a bomb. It would blow up in my face to bring up the issue.
"Well you did reject the offer," I pointed out. "So why did I have to respond to anything?"
He appraised me, raising his head a little higher. His arm casually fell across the back of my chair, his jacket touching my back.
"You're right of course," Edward agreed. "But now I would like to take up the offer if it still stands. Does it?"
I looked into those jewel eyes of his. I thought of the first time they closed as he leaned in to kiss me, his hand tentatively touching the small of my back to bring me closer, his other hand raising to cup my cheek, the perfect first kiss I'd always dreamed of that everyone told me was not likely to happen. But Edward had never been likely to happen.
"Bella," he murmured, his eyes never leaving mine.
I swallowed. "Yes," I whispered back, both responding to his previous question and answering his current summon.
His throat flexed as he swallowed too. "Remember to tell me when we're going to that movie," he said finally. He stood up then but didn't move, looking down at me expectantly.
With a bit of impatience, Edward gestured me to rise as well.
"What?" I asked unsurely, slowly pushing my chair back as I raised to my feet.
A little awkwardly, he took a step closer and wrapped his arms around me, giving me a hug. "Friends do this," he pointed out, but he didn't pull me closer. I was glad in a way. Wrapping my arms around his warm, solid waist was heaven and hell all at once. God I missed him so much. I squeezed me eyes shut to enjoy the moment before I had to let him go. He didn't fight it when I did, letting his arms drop too.
"I'll see you in bio," Edward sighed before turning to walk away.
He only got a few feet away before I burst out with - "Wait!"
He stopped and then turned his head to look at me. "Yes?" he asked, startled.
I glared at the floor, my mouth twisted. "What did I say?" I eventually said. "Last week in bio when I fell asleep - what did I say?"
At first, Edward did nothing but stare at me. But then his lips twisted up into his infamous crooked grin. "Oh. Wouldn't you like to know," he answered silkily, and continued to walk away.
It's easier to be alone, I decided that evening.
I was sitting outside of a cafe-bakery in downtown Port Angeles on their patio. Edward and I had gone here on occasion when we wanted a more casual date. I loved their food and the relaxed atmosphere and was hoping by coming here I would be able to recapture some of the peace I'd felt before. Dealing with Edward in bio had been grueling. He just kept talking to me, smiling at me, and staring at me when he didn't think I would notice. I did not know how to handle this Edward anymore than I knew how to last week and I was getting mightily confused.
I stretched out all my belongings across the table, not having to worry about anyone else's space being crowded.
The sun had set early and car headlights disrupted the quiet darkness of my peripheral vision. Every once in a while a parked car's owner would return and they would pull out, their headlights shining on me accusingly, asking me why I was here alone. I glared down into my text book as I jabbed a forkful of salad into my mouth; given that I didn't have to talk to anybody, I didn't care if I kept eating.
The city lights were beautiful though. Two tables away a couple with their young son ate and laughed, the father listening attentively to his boy's stories while the mother chuckled along. Their eyes would meet intermittently with warmth.
My phone sat next to me, in case...Charlie called. I would see a red light blinking at me when I got a message or a call. My eyes glanced at it every once in a while but the alert light never flashed. Well, at least that meant I would be able to concentrate.
Inside, a group of friends, two girls and a boy sat on the other side of the clear glass. I couldn't help but to glance over at them from time to time. There were buoyant with private laughs shared, homework being done, and an altogether distracting atmosphere being produced. One of the girls had jet black hair, the same shade as Alice's.
A cool wind shivered past me, raising goose bumps. I closed my eyes. Yes, it was easier to be alone I decided. But it was not as rewarding.
The next day I was walking to class when I saw Alice coming in my direction on the other side of the hall. Our eyes met briefly and I flushed with embarrassment before dropping my eyes again. It was just so hard reconciling the thought that we weren't friends anymore.
I kept my head down as her shiny black Mary Janes passed my beat-up generic converses, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her torso turn in my direction.
"Screw you," she said loudly and kept walking.
I was so shocked I stumbled to a stop. It caught me off guard enough that before I could think about what I was doing I was turning toward her treating figure.
"What?" I yelled to her.
She came to a halt then too, her back straight, before pivoting to face me, her eyes glaring all kinds of daggers. "You heard me," she snarled.
My pain ignited my anger. "No," I snapped back, taking a step forward. "Screw you! Look, just because I broke up with your brother doesn't mean you get to treat me like this! I thought we were friends but I guess - "
"What?" she interrupted sharply. "I'm treating you like this? I thought we were friends too but as soon as you two break up you stop talking to me. You know, only hanging around me for him? That's fudged up Bella. Why didn't you just slap me in the face while you were at it."
"What?" It was my turn to stare blankly. "Of course I didn't hang out with you just for him! You're my best friend and I love you! I just thought that well...you would take his side. And the first time I saw you, you were glaring..."
"Because you've been avoiding me like the plague!" she yelled. We were still several feet from each other, having this strange talk across the hall and we were starting to garner some attention. "You haven't talked to me at all or even tried to! What am I suppose to think?"
"Oh." In retrospect, I realized how this had all gotten so misconstrued. My eyes watered as I realized what a fool I had been, to lack such faith in the best friend I've ever had. "Oh Alice..." I whispered. I held my arms out for a hug.
She looked back at me for a second, unmoving, and my heart broke as I briefly considered the idea that she would not forgive me. But then she started crying too before running at me and enveloping me in a bear hug that I returned with enthusiasm.
"You idiot," she sobbed into my shoulder. "He may be my brother, but you - you're my soul sister."
I breathed a choked laugh. Because I knew instinctively that no matter how much my heart was hurting - it was going to be so much better with Alice by my side.
Late update obviously, had bad writer's block on this chapter because it transitions the story to where I want it go. Should be better from now on. Review please!
- The Romanticidal Edwardian