After making up with Alice, she insisted that she come home with me that afternoon, something I was only too willing to agree to. The previous week I had had nothing else to do when my homework was finished, so I had taken to cleaning the house meticulously to ward off any idle thoughts from entering my brain because of course they would be of Edward. They were anyway, but at least if I kept busy I could have minutes of peace at a time. My and Charlie's dinners' the previous week had been extravagant affairs that forced me to focus solely on the cooking, and then of course cleaning the accompanying mess. Due to my increasingly OCD state of acting, my house was now looking clean enough to do surgery in. But I hoped that having Alice over would give the place life once more. It had certainly done heaps to rejuvenate me.
She rode home with me in my rusted old truck and we fell back in to talking about anything and nothing, avoiding the hard things for the moment. It was in that brief space of time that I realized we were a special brand of friend - "soul sisters" as Alice called it. It could never, nor would ever be difficult to be around her. We were just that way and nothing could come in between. I shook my head again at what an idiot I had been. But when we pulled up to my house I couldn't help but to ask her a nagging question.
"You're really not mad at me that I broke up with your brother?" I asked quietly.
She paused. "Bella, you're entitled to be with whoever you want to be with, and that's not anyone's decision but yours and you shouldn't be hung for it. That said, I am mad that you broke up with him, but only because I know you don't really want to so I don't understand why all this angst is necessary." She fixed a pointed stare at me, crossing her arms in my kitchen while I poured us beverages. I ignored looking at her. "So. Are you going to tell me why?"
I hesitated. I wanted to because I knew I would never be able to fool Alice, but at the same time...
Alice sighed, raising her hand against my pending objection. "I won't tell him I swear," she said. "This is between the two of you. He's already asked me and even though I wasn't sure before because someone wasn't talking to me, I do have my theories. But I kept them to myself and stuck by your charade. So I think your trust has been earned."
I handed her the glass and took a sip of my water, considering. Glancing at the clock, I realized Charlie would be home soon and I didn't want to startle him by conducting any heartfelt conversations in the common space. "Let's go to my room," I suggested.
On my bed, her expectant stare didn't let up.
"I know," I sighed. "Okay, I'll tell you. And remember that you swore not to tell him. Or anybody else." She nodded and I felt better about continuing. "It's just..." I hesitated. It was harder to say this out loud than to think it. "Edward is...special. He's going places and he's going to do amazing things, and he needs someone who can keep up..." To my horror, my throat was getting tight.
"Oh honey..." Alice whispered, eyes sad as she watched the tears start to fall down my face. Her arms were slung around me in the second, pulling me against her body. I breathed in her sweet smell of jasmine and gently hugged her frail frame back, feeling entirely grateful for the intimacy.
"And I'm not good enough Alice," I sobbed into her shoulder. "I'm not good enough for him. And we probably would've split up anyway when he goes to Dartmouth and I'm stuck at UW."
"Bella..." My heart broke as I heard Alice's voice start to shake too. "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this? You are more than good enough, I really can't even fathom what you're talking about right now or why."
"I just don't want to hold him back," I whispered brokenly.
Alice was shaking her head but she was silent as she stroked my hair.
We cried together for a short time and it was a relief to not be hurting alone, as much as her tears killed me.
"I hate that you feel like this," she finally said quietly. "You're my best friend and you don't deserve it. Bella we all love you for a reason. And the college you're going to doesn't define that. That's not what makes a person, or what makes someone worthy of friendship and love, and it doesn't decide how much happiness you can give another person." She kissed my head. "You're really kinda crazy girl."
"I know," I said, hiccuping a laugh and blowing my nose as the tears finally stopped.
"Bella," Alice said seriously. "That is not a good reason to break up with someone you love. At the very least, you know you have to talk to him about it. He deserves a choice in whether you have a point or not too, you know."
"Edward is too good to think like that," I mumbled. "When it becomes an issue in the future, it's not something he would think about right now."
"Or maybe ever, and that's my point," Alice countered.
We were silent.
"You're really going to stay broken up with him over this, without even telling him why?"
"I...I don't know." I sighed. "Yes?"
Alice was shaking her head again.
"You promised," I warned and Alice's hands went up in her defense.
"I know, calm down. But I just want you think about this."
I was hardly thinking about anything else.
"He loves you."
"He high school loves me," I murmured back. "It will fade."
"Hmm." Alice looked at me shrewdly. "Right. Well, in that case, how about I propose something to you? Give it a month. I won't push you to tell him anything or whatever, and you guys can just stay bitterly broken up. But after a month, if his 'high school love' is still breaking his heart and you are both still miserable, because he is, then I want you to promise me that you'll talk to him honestly. Deal?"
I hesitated, considering all the implications.
"If you really believe that he'll be better off without you, then this deal shouldn't be hard to make," Alice pointed out.
"...Fine. Deal."
"Alright." Alice nodded, grimly satisfied. "Then enough with the heavy stuff for right now." She clapped her hands together. "I'm pretty sure you need me to do your nails."
"And I need a facial," I added quietly.
Alice froze, shocked. I usually resisted her girly antics with a vengeance, so I could understand her amazement. "Wow..." she breathed. "You must really be feeling guilty."
For the first time in a long time, I really laughed.
"Now let's get down to Wal-Greens. You have absolutely nothing for me to work with right now."
It's short, but more is in the works to be coming tomorrow, me hopes. Alice and Bella just needed some bonding time and anything else would've been superfluous.
- The Romanticidal Edwardian