Dear Santa,
Boy, I hope this time you do better than last year.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you put a lot of thought into that present, though I don't know what it could have been. I mean, I'm sure lots of dogs would have loved that chew toy, even if it didn't even have a squeaker. I'm sure that tough plastic hiding inside the soft plushie exterior would just have hurt my mouth. It's not like the delightful squeaky noise would have been worth a little discomfort. But, just for future reference you know, Santa, not because I'm complaining or anything, a small, easily lost or stolen, toy that gathers grime in its fur so easily in dirty places that no self-respecting dog would want to chew it isn't the best gift for a dog who's living all alone, out in the dirty streets, where there are lots of thieves and places where it's easy to lose small objects.
I'm just saying, is all.
So maybe this year you'd like to do something about that instead? Far be it for me to tell you how to do your job, but it sure seems like that would be a more useful present. I'm not asking for much, it's not like you're going pay much attention to someone who's just a dog anyway, just a nice place with friendly people, and a big warm bed, and lots of food. Real food, not the mushy stuff with loads of salt and no flavor. And a big yard for running around in. Not to brag or anything, but I try to keep in shape. Maybe you should give it a try sometime. Have you seen the statistics about diabetes in obese people? Not to be offensive, but with all those cookies you eat it should be a pretty big concern.
The time I spent with those girls was pretty fun. Maybe you could just leave a nice dog house in their backyard and point them my way when they're looking for someone to fill it. One with central heating, if it's not to much trouble. I know they wouldn't make me stay out in the cold snowy weather anyway, but if I ever try it out I wouldn't want to get frostbitten paws because you let your elves get away with doing substandard work. But if you do that maybe you could slip some breath mints into Buttercup's stocking for me. I have a very sensitive nose, you know.
Just a few suggestions, The Talking Dog
P.S. In case you decide to try that whole getting in shape thing, I left you skim milk and an apple instead of your usual snack. I hope you like them. I mean, it's pretty hard for a dog to get something like that, even one that can talk. And that's not even getting into how tough it is to pour the milk when you don't have opposable thumbs. But I guess I'll understand it if you don't eat them. I mean, you were expecting sugary treats, not health food, even if it is from someone just trying to look out for you a little. Because, boy! You really do need to start counting those calories.