Chapter Five
Just as Tonks had predicted, the next few weeks went by painfully slowly. She found herself dreading each day which she'd have to spend training. The material they were covering was steadily growing more complex, and Tonks was struggling more and more and falling further and further behind. Mad-Eye was getting more and more frustrated with her, and she still hadn't spoken to any of her fellow trainees, nor had they made any effort to speak to her. Even her parents knew that there was something wrong. They'd often look at her and exchange concerned glances. She didn't know how much more she could bear.
It was the very early hours of the morning when Tonks made her decision. She knew that she wasn't cut out to be an Auror. She had wasted too long on dreaming an impossible dream. The spark which had been ignited within her during her teenage years had well and truly been extinguished.
Her heart sank. She'd have to tell Moody that she was dropping out. She'd never live that down (if she made it out of there alive, she thought childishly). He deserved that much, though, she supposed.
There'd be heaps of witches and wizards who'd give up an arm and a leg to fill her place in the Auror department. She'd known several students at Hogwarts who had wanted to become Aurors, but didn't make the cut. Who knew? Maybe she'd give someone a chance to fulfil their own dream.
She still couldn't shake the feeling of guilt which sat like a rock the base of her stomach, though. Tonks had never been one to give up easily. But that's what she was doing, really: giving up. She hated herself for it. She was letting down her parents, letting down Moody, but most of all, letting down herself. Whatever had happened to Hufflepuff loyalty? She might as well add that to her list of failings.
She groaned as she sat up in her bed. She supposed she'd better face the music; get it over and done with. She stood up, all but dragging herself to her bathroom to shower and dress. A while later (as long as she could possibly draw out getting ready), she stood in her Auror trainee robes and was ready to leave. She was glad of the fact that her parents weren't awake yet. She wasn't ready to have to explain herself to them yet. Taking a deep breath and steeling herself for what was to come, she Disapparated.
All too soon, she found herself standing outside her mentor's office, trembling with nerves. Stop it, she told herself. What can he do to you?
How about blast you to smithereens? a voice inside her replied.
Don't be stupid,Tonks thought.
Tonks took a deep breath, held it for five counts, then released it over five counts. (She had been taught by her father that it was useful to breathe deeply when you were nervous. It was supposed to keep you calm. It didn't work on this particular occasion.)
Composing herself, Tonks knocked on Moody's door. Her knuckles had barely left the wood when she heard Moody's voice call, "Enter!"
Tonks slowly opened the door, not knowing what to expect. She hoped she wouldn't regret this. She frowned as she saw something that looked like a Muggle television aerial, but was gold and oddly shaped. Her eyes were drawn around the room, which was full of all sorts of strange objects.
"They're Secrecy Sensors."
Tonks jumped in fright. She hadn't realised that she had been staring for so long. "Sorry."
It was Moody's turn to frown up at his student from the chair at which he was seated behind his wooden desk. "What are you doing here so early, Nymphadora?" he asked. "Training doesn't start for another hour and a half."
Tonks suddenly couldn't meet his eyes. Staring down at her feet, she said, "I – I came to talk to you about that, actually."
Mad-Eye's frown deepened. "Sit, then," he said. Tonks took this as an instruction rather than a request. "So what brings you here? Few find a reason to come to my quarters."
Tonks shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "Sorry to interrupt you," she began. "I understand that you must be way too busy to talk to trainees this early, but it's really important."
Moody only nodded, folding his hands on the desk. Tonks took this as her cue to continue. "You know, ever since I was probably in my third year or so of Hogwarts, I've wanted to be an Auror. I loved the idea of being able to help people, to make a difference to the world. I fantasised for hours and hours about what it would be like to be able to make the world a better place. I just didn't realise that even being able to start doing that would be so hard. I thought preliminary training would be a breeze. I thought I knew my stuff. But the longer I train, the more I know that I'm nowhere near good enough a witch to be able to do this. You said yourself that if we don't master the basics, we'll fall at the first hurdle when the real training begins.
"I've come to understand that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I used to be the rock at school, the one my friends would come to for advice and support. But I'm just not that person anymore. I'm falling apart at the seams 'cause I can't handle scrutiny from you or my classmates. The workload's getting more intense and everything I thought I knew… well, I don't know. I feel like I've let everyone down: my family my friends, myself… you." Tonks breathed in deeply. "Anyway, I need to stop blathering and get to the point. I just don't think that a career as an Auror is for me. I thought it would make me happy, but it's not. It's just making me miserable. So I need to leave. I can't do it anymore. I-I'm so sorry that I've wasted your time. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hope that it can go to someone more deserving of it than me."
Moody leaned back in his chair, just looking at the girl opposite him. He was silent for what seemed like several hours to Tonks. "You put this in the too-hard basket on day two, Nymphadora," he said, not unkindly. "You crumbled at the very thought that people didn't like you for what you were. That was the end of your career before it even began." He paused, seeming to be choosing his words carefully. "I've only got one eye and one leg, girl. I'm an old, grey, wrinkly fogy. On top of that, I'm almost completely covered with scars. To most of wizarding Britain, I'm a paranoid nutcase."
"But you're the best Auror there ever was!" blurted out Tonks.
Moody leaned close to Tonks, staring her in the eyes. "Precisely," he said. "Do you think if I cared what anybody thought of me, I'd be in this position today? I've copped more than my fair share of flack in the last four decades of my career as an Auror. I've been laughed at by my own colleagues; beaten down by my friends; been ridiculed by my own family. But did I ever let it get in the way of my dream? Hell, no.
"Back in my day, the education system was much the same as it is now. We didn't get taught the most basic of spells. So I got to Auror training, just like you, but I coped with it. Sure, I found the spells difficult at first, but I practised and practised until I couldn't possibly cast another spell. When I didn't understand something, I asked for help. When I still didn't understand, I read and read and read until I found help. But let me tell you, I did not give up. Never. Not even once. I didn't care what it took, I was going to become an Auror and nothing and no one was going to stand in my way.
"You've got potential, Tonks. You've got guts. You've got determination. So do not tell me that it's too hard. Do not tell me that you can't handle it. And for God's sake, do not tell me that I have wasted my time.
"Get yourself together, girl! Quite frankly, I don't give a damn whether the lot of them think you're a shape-shifting freak for being a Metamorphmagus, and you shouldn't either. You sure as hell don't need to let them affect you. In the end, most of them will probably end up spending the rest of their days at The Three Broomsticks serving Butterbeer twenty-four-seven, while you'll be on the field doing something real."
Moody was quiet for a moment, before continuing. "And if you need extra help with the material, I am here for most of my waking hours every single day. I can help you. Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually here to help you lot to become Aurors, not to bark instructions at you and make you feel inferior." He stood. "I hope I've made you rethink your decision, Nymphadora. I don't want to see you at training. Go home and think carefully, because if you're going to continue your training, I want you to put everything you have into it. If you're not, I don't want you in my department at all. Let me know what you've decided on Monday."
Moody then flicked his wand, Summoning a large stack of papers to his desk. Taking this as her cue to leave, Tonks shuffled to the door, shutting it as quietly as she could behind her.