A/N: I know I should be working on the next chapter of "Harry Potter and the Explosive Solution," and I am, I swear. The problem is, HPxFMA crossovers tend to have 2 parts: first there's the "let's throw these characters into piranha-infested waters and watch them flail about" and then there's the *gasps* actual plot! But fear not! I won't abandon a fanfic when the title amuses me so much.

Oh, and Amestrian is a different language, so Ed's syntax might be a little funky when he's speaking English.

I totally own both Fullmetal Alchemist and Harry Potter
*FBI kicks down the door*
I WAS BEING SARCASTIC DAMMIT

Somewhere in Hogwarts two names are added to the vast book of wizarding children. Ling Yao, 15, and Edward Elric, 15. Both names had a note next to them: To be placed in 3rd year.

Edward found himself lying facedown on an unfamiliar floor. "Bastard Truth couldn't have been more gentle?" he grumbled. He looked up at Ling, who was standing in a perfectly stable position. "Of course you would land on your feet, how could I think any different?"

"Well, I don't know, how could you think any different? By the way, would you like to get up? That floor doesn't look very comfortable."

"How the hell are you so calm?" said Ed incredulously. "You weren't this cheerful when we got eaten by Gluttony!"

"Yes, but at least this time we have a feasible possibility for a way out, even if it's not exactly an appealing one."

That brought Ed back to reality. That asshole, what kind of choice was that? If I don't kill this Harry Potter, I'll never see my family again, I can never hug my kids, or see them grow up. But... if I do kill this guy... no, I'd never be able to face anyone back home. I'd never be able to look Winry in the eye. "Dammit." He shoved his hands in his pockets for no particular reason and felt a piece of paper that hadn't been there before. He pulled it out.

Your arm bought you a few favors from me . The first one is this note, explaining the other favors. Second, a few strings have been pulled to put you and your friend in the same school as Potter. They all think you're fifteen, so try not to correct them. And third, your money's been exchanged. The gold coins are galleons, silver for sickles, and bronze for knuts. Twenty-four knuts to a sickle, seventeen sickles to a galleon.
Now get going, things don't just fix themselves you know.

Ed snarled and shoved the note at Ling for him to read, he didn't think he could speak right now without yelling the roof off of... where were they anyway? He looked around. Bed, dresser, a small desk, it looked like a room one might find and a small inn.

"So exactly how much money did you get? I wasn't exactly carrying any cash in my own palace."

Ed took a few deep breaths to calm himself before answering. "I was actually carrying a fair amount. Military pensions are good for something, I guess." He reached back into his pocket and found his wallet had been replaced by a coinpurse. He poured the contents onto the desk. Thirty-two galleons, five sickles, and seven knuts. "We won't starve, I can tell that much."

As if on cue, he heard a very loud growling stomach behind him. "That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it?"

Ling was peering up and down the corridor outside the door. "It looks like an inn, and if so there must be food downstairs!"

"Hey, wait up! Don't eat through all our money in one night!" He grabbed the coins and hurried after Ling, who was already halfway down the stairs.

There was a little old man behind the bar who smiled at them. "Hello boys! I don't remember seeing you last night, just apparated in? What can I get you?"

Wait, was he speaking Xerxesian? Sure, Ed understood it, but how many other people around here spoke a dead language? And what on earth did he mean by 'apparated'?

Ling had immediately started listing various foods, also in Xerxesian. and Ed covered his mouth with his right hand, before replying, "Ignore him, just needing date and location, please."

The barman didn't answer, and was instead staring wide-eyed. Ed followed his gaze to his, crap that wasn't good, uncovered metal hand. He immediately pulled it back and shoved it in his pocket. He had gotten used to having two flesh arms and hadn't worn gloves for years. "Shit, I don't want to show this off, do you have set of spare gloves I can borrow?"

"Uh, sure, probably a good idea." He rummaged through a cupboard and handed Ed a pair of worn leather gloves. "Anything else I can get you?"

"Date and where we are," Ed glanced at Ling, who was still rattling off foods as if nothing had happened, "Also five bowls of stew."

"One galleon, three sickles. The date is August 25, and you're at the Leaky Cauldron, in London."

London? Ed handed him a galleon and six sickles. "Thanks for gloves, could I see where we are on map?"

"Certainly, I'll right back with your stew and a map." The man disappeared into a back room.

Ed turned to Ling, switching back to Amestrian, "Alright, start talking, how do you know Xerxesian?"

"I was tutored in it, of course. It's tradition for members of the royal family to be fluent in Xerxesian, in honor of the Western Sage. How did you learn it?"

"My mom taught me. I guess dad taught her, before he ran off."

The barman came back with a tray full of stew and a map. "Here you are, five bowls of stew and a map." He unfolded it and pointed to a island. "This is where we are, London, England."

He peered at the map while Lin gobbled stew next to him. They really were in a different dimension, he didn't recognize any of the counties on this map.

"If you don't mind me asking, where are you from? I don't recognize your accent."

Ed randomly chose a tiny country and city far away from England. "Israel," he said, pointing, "Tel Aviv."

"Really? You don't look Israeli."

"Uh, my parents moved there when I was small."

"Ah, that explains it," the man said, nodding. "I'm Tom, by the way, and you are?"

"Edward," he said. He jutted a thumb at Ling, who was sitting cheerfully with five empty bowls in front of him, "Ling."

There was a tapping noise, and Tom hurried over. Ed turned around and saw that outside the window perched, of all things, two owls, who obviously wanted in. Tom opened the window and retrieved what looked to be letters from them. "Your last names wouldn't happen to be Elric and Yao, would they?" Tom asked.

"They would." Ed and Ling took the letters and opened them.

Dear Mr. Elric

We are pleased to inform that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft Wizardry. Due to your age and late identification, you shall be placed in third year. If you are in need of funds, present this letter at Gringotts and you will be provided with financial aid.
Term starts on September 1st, we await your owl no later than August 30th.

Minerva McGonogall, Deputy Headmistress

"Witchcraft and wizardry? They're shitting us, right?" said Ed, incredulously. "No such thing as magic!"

Tom looked slightly confused. "If you're not wizards, how did you get here?"

Ed and Ling looked at each other. Not wanting to go into the situation with Truth and the Gate, they opted for the easier explanation. "Not really sure," they replied simultaneously.

Tom sighed and pulled out some kind of carved wooden stick and pointed it at one of the empty bowls. The bowl grew legs and started to tapdance across the table. Ed and Ling's jaws both hit the floor. "You two must have been identified late or something. Never thought I'd be the one giving this speech to someone, but magic exists and it's damn useful. And those letters mean that you got magic too."

Ling switched to Amestrian, "Ed, it's a different dimension, mabe the laws of physics are different? Or maybe it's another form of alchemy? Or both?"

"Gah, I don't know. You think this is the school Potter goes to?"

Ling was reading through the school supply list. "Probably. Truth obviously set this up, it's way too convenient otherwise." He held up the list to Tom. "Do you know where we can get all this stuff?"

"Certainly, Diagon Alley, you'll find it through the back... on second thought, come with me and I'll show you, you might not be able to get in on your own yet."

They followed him out behind the inn, where there were a few trashcans and a bare brick wall. Tom pulled out his stick again. "Watch closely," he said, as he tapped a pattern on the bricks. The wall immediately began rearranging itself, forming an entrance to a street full of people and shops.

"Amazing," Ed breathed, "Like slow-motion large-scale particle..." he fumbled for the Xerxesian word.

"Transmutation?" Ling supplied.

"Yeah, that."

"Gesundheit," said Tom. "You'll find everything you need here, head to Gringotts Bank first; it's the tallest building, you can't miss it. I'll see you boys later."

They made their way down the street, Ling drawing more than a few (mostly female) stares. "First thing we buy is a new shirt for you," said Ed.

"What's wrong with this one?"

"It's open and you're showing the whole world your chest, that's what's wrong with it."

"Aww, but it's such a nice chest, don't you like it?"

"No, and you sound like Armstrong, it's freaky."

"Come on, Ed, you're being moody."

"Well, squinty-eyes, I can't imagine why I wouldn't be!"

Ling growled in exasperation. Grabbing Ed by the front of his shirt, he shoved him against a nearby wall, causing passerby to give them curious looks. "Look, Ed, we got a bad deal. Truth screwed us over, I know, but moping about it isn't going to solve anything!" He shook him. "Look at me, dammit! What is it you were always saying when you were trying to Al's body back, huh? Keep moving forward, find a way, that's what you always said. We'll find a way home, but that's not going to happen if you stand around brooding over your bad luck!"

Ed shoved Ling off of himself, and the two glared at each other for a few moments. Ed couldn't help it, he cracked a smile and chuckled. "Who are you and what have you done with Ling Yao?"

Ling pointed at the tallest building, which he assumed was the bank since it towered above everything else, "Look, shiny!" he said, and took off.

"What the- Hey, get your ass back here!"

A/N: Yes, I admit it, I can't really angst very much without cracking a joke, especially when Ling's around. And no, I don't have any particular reason why Ed picked Israel, it was just the first country that popped into my head.

Reviews pretty pretty please, I'm not afraid to beg!