Chapter Four – Memories Aren't Enough

Logan Mitchell sighed and enjoyed the weak and last fall-sunshines that were stroking his skin softly. He opened his eyes and let his look ran around his garden. They stopped at the sight of his beautiful wife Carol and the little kid she was playing with, his son James.

Logan closed his eyes again. James. He sighed. A lot of years had passed since the days of Big Time Rush, since the days he spent with his three friends from Minnesota. And a lot of years had passed since the day he lost the most important person of his life. Logan wouldn't lie – he never stopped thinking about James Diamond. He was 39 now, going 40 at the end of this month, and still he couldn't forget him. They were sixteen, so young, but still Logan had never felt more for anybody else in his life.

And still he hadn't.

He sighed again. Nobody ever found out about that thing that was going on between him and James, and nobody even anticipated it. Both of them weren't gay after all, but still they both couldn't deny that they loved, yes truly loved each other. Logan hadn't told anybody about them for no apparent reason. Maybe just because he was afraid he would lose it and cry for hours, even longer than he would anyways, when he would reveal his deep feelings for the tall, good-looking guy.

No, it was their secret. Nobody had to know about it. It wasn't that Logan was ashamed, no, quite the contraire actually… But still he wanted this little left memory to be his own, and his own alone. Just his and James' – forever just theirs!

A little wind stroked his skin. He shivered. He thought of James. His sweet James. He wondered how he was doing. And he wondered if he already found out the truth, that Logan never really loved Camille, always just James and that this day he didn't want to kiss anyone else but James. His James.

Also he wondered if James had forgiven him for even making him consider that he would cheat on him.

Logan surely had forgiven James for ending their relationship when it just started to happen. At least Logan wasn't afraid of death anymore. Now he would be happy to die, if this meant he could finally see James again. See his James again.

Logan laughed when memories came to his mind, memories of James freaking out about his hair, memories about James smelling like Cuda Man Spray, memories of James laughing his heart out.

Logan loved those memories. Although it always hurt a bit being reminded of James, he enjoyed the fact that he still hadn't forgotten him, still knew what every single inch of him looked like, still had all those memories.

Logan couldn't help but smile as he felt a short pain in his breast. He had cancer. Hadn't that much time left to live, probably one more year, if things were going great. He smiled because he thought it was destiny. He wouldn't want to spend any longer here without James. Without his James.

Because after all, memories aren't enough.

[A/N]

Bam bam bam! Finally there it is, the last chapter of This Is How Much I Love You.

I hope you enjoyed reading, even though it was rather sad... See you soon! :)