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Here you are then!

June 27th

At first I went just for the music.

Or, at least, that's what I tell myself.

I was drawn to the open church doors because of the music that drifted out of the doors. The whole congregation singing songs that made them sound so happy and joyful. And that's all I really wanted…to be happy and joyful like I used to be with my Mum…but that had been taken away from me. They wouldn't let me in…but that didn't stop me from sitting on the steps, listening intently to the words of the songs. I can't recall any of them today, but I remember the elation of the songs…that much, I remember. So I sat on those steps, every Sunday, thirsty for the melodies. I'd sit alone, and teach myself.

I remember being on the steps one morning in late July a few years ago. A woman stepped out of the church, a crying baby in her arms. No, crying was an understatement - a screeching baby in her arms. I watched out of the corner of my eyes, standing besides the case of stars as the woman began to cry with her child. "I don' understand," I remember her saying. "All she does is cry. There must be something wrong…the midwife is stopping by later tonight…I'm afraid of what she might find out…"

I wasn't sure who was standing there with the woman, I mean, I wasn't about to stare, but he said, "Mrs. Smith, God has a plan for your baby,"

God has a plan for your baby.

I can't be sure if I ever believed in God, or do now. I've never been to a church service…well, legitimately, anyway. I've never had any serious teaching on the subject of God. But…Somehow I managed to live on the streets for over three years. I have to believe that someone was watching over me that whole time…or I would more then likely be dead by the time I found Mum's shop. And I have to believe that…even that night…perhaps I can somehow believe that someone was watching over me then too…cause then I can start to believe that you're not just a mistake - an unwanted present - a dream come too soon - I can believe you're a gift from God.

God has a plan for your baby.

Well…Mum has a plan for my baby.

And who am I to say that God can't work through Mum, of all people?

Well….going on…

This is what she's planned out and I've thought over and over again in the last two months I've spent in her dreadful bedroom. It seems as though perhaps it could…perhaps…work.

Let me start out by clearing some things up.

Mum managed to find me a very friendly midwife early on. I sometimes wonder if it's the one she had for her baby. But we've kindly asked the midwife to keep these things private and underground. She was very sympathetic about it. Said she understood and that I would always be referred to as "just another customer". She even agreed to come very early in the morning so that it's more likely no one will spot her. I think Mum might be slipping her a few extra pennies…but why complain?

Mum's plan is to make it look like the baby isn't ours.

You aren't ours…

Well…mine.

Make you seem as though you're not mine. There.

When you, poor little thing, are born, sometime in the next two and half months, Mum's going to quickly wrap you in a small woven basket, and play the part that she found you on her doorstep one morning. Quite a good plan, I suppose. Then, as I get my strength up I'll slowly emerge into the shop and the outside again, as if surfacing from an illness or something of that matter.

It might just be foolish enough to work…eh?

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Mum says patients is one of the most important things a person can ever learn.

As of lately, Mum and I have been talking a lot about you…well we always have but…you're a lot harder to ignore now, I suppose. She was very excited when I told her I thought I was carrying a boy, and she started to go on about what I am going to name you. I was sitting in this cot and thinking about it one day…when I remembered him.

I'm not going to call him your father - I'm not going to call him anything that would in any way have any connection to either of us. If I could help it, I would never think of him, never mention him, and find a way to live in a state of mind where I was the only one who had any part in creating you. But when the sun goes down, and the room is pitch dark and silent, I can't help but think about him - his dark eyes…his superficial touch, his promise as he flipped the coins between his fingers…

And now, I'm downright terrified.

Cause I've been thinking so much about it, and even now it's making me teary eyed because I'm so bloody scared! What if you look like him? What if you act like him? What if every time I look at my baby boy, it just reminds me of him, in that dark room late at night…and what happened there.

It scared the life out of me and makes me wish again that you weren't there…it makes me wish you were a girl so you look like me or my Mum! I don't want you to look like him! I can't have that! I'm already going mad over the idea! They'll have to send me away from my baby because I can't bare to look at him.

So I pray - God…if you're really there…please make this baby mine and only mine…I know it's not possible, but I need it. I simply need it.

I'm sorry love…it must seem so much as though I don't love you and I would do anything to keep you from growing, the beautiful boy growing inside of me. But it's not true.

Mum and Toby…they counseled me away from thinking like that. But every night terror I wake up from seems to bring me back to square one.

The horrible night terrors of pulling back the little blanket from my miraculous baby's face and seeing him… god, it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me scrawl these words in utter hatred. Bolded and pointed letters…

Why did this have to happen to me?

I'll never really understand, I don't think…

I ask myself…do I really believe that if God has a plan for my baby, that part of that plan could perhaps be you looking like him?

I can't say I do believe it.

Fun Fact! So...I told you a super long time ago that Love Letters to My Unborn Child was from a book of inspirational stories I read...and God has a Plan for Your Baby is too!

Again, the book is Sories for a Teen's Heart book 1!

I should have another, longer chapter up for you really soon!