August 2nd

My heart is still racing, my fingers still shaking. It's morning now and I still feel this way!

I almost can't see straight, and I can't tell if all of this is from shock or…bewilderment…or shame or…love?

Can't be love though…I…I…hardly know what love even is…

Sorry…um…I feel partly guilty at this point. These "Love Letters" seemed to have become more about me then you and…well I guess I warned you at the beginning, eh? I apologies real quickly anyway…I have to tell you what has happened now.

I'm just…so content right now. Such a high feeling. Just lying here on the cot in the dim candlelight, writing to you with my left hand resting on your movements and this smile on my face that I can't seem to shake off.

Toby came into my room yesterday.

Not to deliver food or a book…just to keep me company. He's been doing this more and more often. And lately…hm…we've simply been lying on my cot together with our hands on you, day dreaming at the ceiling and talking about the future. It seems a foolish waste of time…but then again, what better do I have to do?

I've told Toby before how he should be out, cleaning the tables or helping make the pies. He just smiles and tells me that he's already finished.

I suspect he's lying to us.

I never thought I could ever trust a man again…but along came Toby and he…he wasn't just some boy. He was special…he is special.

So there we lay earlier last night, eyes on the ceiling and, only my fingers splayed on you at this point. Toby has told me a number of times that sometimes he doesn't feel proper lying next to me like that or rather…it feels rather awkward. I agreed. But told him you liked it…and he fell for it.

I said to Toby, my eyes tracing the crack in the ceiling, about as scenic as what I see gets, "I wish I could go outside tonight…"

And he simply muttered, "Me too…the stars are beautiful…"

My heart ached at his words. Stars…they had been my ceiling for so many nights. I longed for them now. The awning hung too far over my window for me to see them unless I bent far enough…and that wasn't exactly an easy task at this point.

"We could go…" he muttered. I was taken aback. Toby never did anything that was…well…in the least bit rebellious. He was such a sweet little thing. Wash the tables, feed the birds, help set out the pies, listen to Mrs. Lovett, visit Ella. It was all in his day, it was normal, it was expected, it was correct. But suggesting something like that? It just wasn't something I ever saw Toby going through with.

"You know Mum would be angry. I'm not allowed outside…it's too dangerous…" I wanted so badly to feel the wind on my cheeks…but I knew what was right was safe…

Toby quickly jumped off the cot, making it shake uneasily, and I struggled to prop myself up on my elbows to see what he was up too. Without asking or anything, he yanked the sheet off of my cot, bundled it in a wad, and handed it to me.

With that breathtaking smile of his, he handed it to me and whispered, "Wrap this around yourself so that it hides your stomach. If we move quiet enough, we can sneak around your mum in the parlor…"

I widened my eyes at his proposal. He really wanted this. I really wanted this. Stars, fresh air, the cold stone beneath my feet.

We both knew Mum was sleeping. Said she was never worried about us too being together and only desired to give us some privacy, so she read a book in the parlor for a half an hour or so…she often fell asleep though, leaving a clear path…

"You're serious about this?" I asked, struggling to keep my shocked voice down.

Toby nodded, smiled again, this time more of a smirk, and reached out his hand. "Not to worry, Ella. Nothings gonna harm you, not while I'm around,"

I smiled back as his beautiful voice carried me away. I hardly remember sneaking though the parlor, the shop, and out the door.

But I remember the first cool breeze running through my now long hair. I remember the cold stone street beneath my feet. I wiggled my toes just for the effect. I took in the smell of outside. It was London, not the most pleasant of all smells, but different from the floury, stuffy smell of the bedroom I had been confined to. I wanted to reach out both of my arms and spin around in the streets. But knowing myself, I probably would have tripped over the blanket hiding you…and that simply wouldn't of ended well. So I simply stood there, my eyes shut, taking it all in. I knew it would most likely be several more months before I got to see this again. By then, it would a lot chillier outside. It made me sad to know that I had missed just about the whole summer.

But here I was now, and I was gonna live in the moment if it killed me.

Don't tell Mum I said that now…

I had almost forgotten about Toby standing nearby.

He slowly had walked behind me and placed his hands over my still-closed eyes. The touch of his hands even seemed to make my heart leap. You must of known the joy I was feeling, it seemed to be your joy too, you tumbled and turned as if you knew that there was something very special about Toby.

I reached up my hands and placed them on his over my eyes. "Wot're yah doing? ?" I whispered with a giggle.

"Shhhh…when I uncover your eyes, look up straight away, yes?"

"Alright…" I muttered. I lowered my own hands and waited for whatever Toby had in mind to come to light.

Finally after a few long and precious moments, he drew back his hand and I looked up. Just in time to see a shooting star run across the stary night sky.

"Wow…" was all that seemed to come to mind.

The stars and the moon played on the sky, all in their perfect positions, lighting up, and shooting across. I wanted to lie down on the cold cobblestone and watch them all night. But I knew better then to not be prepared for anything this late on a London street. I remembered Toby's promise nothings gonna harm you, not while I'm around.

That promise managed to give me a peace of mind I've never known…

While we both gazed up at the stars and the planets and the rocks and meteors and whatever else lie out there for us, Toby slowly reached over and took my hand where it hung under the blanket.

I felt that jolt of energy again. I can't be positive how else to describe it. You must of felt it too again because you tumbled around even more. I think I can say you were as happy as me at this point. You and the butterflies flying through my veins and my mind racing so fast and everything…seemed so utterly overwhelming…but I liked the feeling.

Another falling star fell and I wished on it for both of us.

Toby must have wished on it too.

He turned toward me, and I somehow managed to take my eyes off the magnificent sky and look back at him.

His eyes sparkled in the moonlight. I felt my heart melt. That was it. This was where it's at. My whole body seemed to give anyway with the melting feeling and I felt weak at my knees.

Seems like I was just playing the little frail girl who needed help simply standing, but the light-headedness did make my knees buckle, which sent me stumbling back a few steps. I felt like a bloody fool until I realized that Toby had caught us from falling…and now he was holding me. He, perhaps subconsciously, placed a hand on my rounded stomach and muttered, "Here…sit down…"

He led me to the curb where he helped me get down to the little two inch drop from the sidewalk to the street. After giving me his helping hand, he sat down beside me.

I was suddenly aware of how close we were.

We both took another look up at the stars and the moon. And, as if we both had the same thought, we both looked down into each other's eyes at the same time.

His dingy brown hair, his beautiful brown eyes, his shinning smile, his cute little face…only inches from mine.

And in that moment…I wasn't thinking about anyone but him. I was aware of you, of course. But I wasn't thinking about Mum, and what she would think of all this. I wasn't thinking of the people who could be watching us from the shadows on the streets. I wasn't thinking about Mr. Todd brooding up in this window down at us. I wasn't thinking about what anyone would think if they saw me pregnant or the gossip that would go around. And I wasn't thinking about him…for one moment…one swift, sweet, glorious moment, it was just Toby and me.

And next thing I knew, his lips were on mine.

It wasn't planned, or thought out, it was just done.

I can't even begin to describe it…I wouldn't do it proper justice.

Our eyes closed. His hands, one sliding around my back, the other resting on you. My hands, my left finding his on you and resting on top, and my right entangled in his dingy brown hair, pushing us closer together, closing the embrace.

My heart still stops when I think about it. What an utterly blissful moment.

When we pulled away from each other…we both had that shame on our features. Neither of us could tell why we did anymore…but we did.

Neither of us said anything more as we let our arms where they were and gazed up more at the shooting stars that night.

I was on a high…and I was growing so tiered. As if the small walk outside had exhausted me.

Or maybe it was the mere notion of kissing Toby that did so.

I barely remember coming back inside, sneaking back past Mum, saying goodnight to Toby, and crawling into bed.

I take that back…I do remember a few things. I remember wanting to kiss him again outside that bedroom door.

And I remember as he walked me back into my room, asking Toby if I could name my baby after him.

He said he'd be privileged to have an amazing child like mine be named off of a dingy little orphan like him.

I told him that he was more than a dingy orphan to me and you. And his cheeks turned pink in the candle light.

I remember wanting to kiss him again, one last time before I drifted asleep last night, in that wonderful, heart-stopping, blissful state.

There you are then! Only 2 more chapters!