Dear X-Men fanfiction writers,

I'm irritated that within this juvenile nonsense referred to as "fanfiction", I am presented as some benevolent, kind, paternal figure. Such a depiction bears no sort of resemblance to my actual self.

I believe, first and foremost, that peace between humankind and mutants can never be achieved. No matter what happens, humans will always hate us. There can be no sort of existence without hate; the world needs at least one subjugated group to despise without provocation. I don't believe that humans could live if they were not allowed to mindlessly hate other people for no true reason beyond fear of the unknown.

I have no doubt that America's so-called "superheroes" will soon rally against us and throw us into prison to be monitored by scientists. I can assure that when that day comes, my forces will fight against those fascists until every one of either them or us is dead.

But no matter.

Mutants are the next stage of evolution; we are living evidence that Darwin was correct in his theory of human advancement. We are the humans that are able to adapt and survive. Those pathetic humans, who are foolish enough to think that they can control us, force us to register with their government, will soon die off.

This is not only due to their overall inefficiency to acclimatize themselves to their environment, but also because their methods of overcoming their problems, such as physical weakness and vulnerability to disease, are abysmally simplistic. Guns can break and backfire, and vaccines are assurances, but not guarantees.

Besides, wouldn't it be much more compact to have a single girl with the unending firepower of a million guns and invulnerability to all harm, rather than a plethora of objects designed for safety that still are not absolute promises of protection?

My feelings toward my students are not parental or romantic in nature, and the notion that I do retain such emotions for them turns my stomach. They are my soldiers, nothing more, merely a means to achieve freedom for all mutants. They understand the sacrifice they must be ready to make each day as they fight for my cause of mutant supremacy; they know that they are tools, weapons within a war, that may be destroyed or cast aside if deemed too far damaged to function properly.

I must consider the future of mutantkind before I consider their individual needs. Rogue, for example, holds vast potential due to her mutation. I think that I'll arrange a setup for her to steal the life and abilities of one of the most staunch public figures for mutant registration: the arrogant, presumptuous creature known as Ms. Marvel. Certainly, it's unfortunate that the process of absorbing Ms. marvel's psyche may destroy Rogue's mind, but if that's the case, then at least I'll have an ultra-powerful automaton that's easily controlled.

And the problem of Scott's eyebeams could be rectified in an instant if I were to correct a few of his memories, but by keeping him in a perpetual state of uncertainty about his mutation, he remains under my manipulation, and I don't have to worry about him daring to go against me.

Sincerely,

Professor Charles Xavier

A/N: This letter is for lychee loving, who requested Professor Xavier. I know that this more dark than funny, but I wasn't quite sure how to handle an adult parody of a character. Hope you liked it!