Dear X-Men fanfiction writers everywhere,
Why do you write these stories that feature Jean and I together? JEAN GREY IS DEAD! JEAN GREY DIED ON THE MOON! OH, GOD, THE AGONY THAT KNOWLEDGE CAUSES ME! OH, GOD!
I LOVED JEAN! (Even if I did cheat on her with that clone of her that Mr. Sinister gave to me.) AND NOW SHE'S GONE!
JEAN WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! DESPITE HER BETRAYAL OF ME WITH MY OWN BROTHER, HER ACTIONS OF DESTROYING FORGE AND STORM'S WEDDING BECAUSE SHE WAS JEALOUS THAT STORM WAS RECEIVING ALL OF THE ATTENTION INSTEAD OF HER, AND HER OVERALL BLATANT HYPOCRISY, I LOVED HER!
I LOVED JEAN MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF! I KILLED MOIRA MACTAGGERT JUST BECAUSE JEAN ASKED ME TO!
JEAN WAS SOLACE FROM MY EVERYDAY LIFE! AS DICTATOR OF THE X-MEN, EACH WAKING MOMENT I HAVE TO ENDURE MORE THAN MOST COULD HANDLE!
Seriously, I have to deal with Rogue's incompetence and helplessness, Kitty's bad attitude, Kurt's refusal to have a roommate, the Professor scheming to throw away our lives at a moment's notice for some inane cause, the New Mutants being lazy slobs, Rahne's complaints about the New Mutants being lazy slobs, Hank committing war crime against other nations, Jubilee being illiterate, Sabretooth's British accent, Pietro's constant insistence that he is actually a good person, Tabitha's marijuana addiction, Jean-Paul's psychopathy, Magneto's attempts to convince me that I'm unstable and thus should undergo therapy, Spider-Man's whining that he wants to leave the team before his contract expires, Mr. Sinster trying to get me to do father-son bonding activities together with him, and Madelyne Pryor's revival of the Hellfire Club, which is an awful band that's just a rip-off Metallica. And don't even get me started on Gambit's atrocious Louisiana accent. For whatever weird reason, it sounds as if his dialogue was written by some teenage girl who's never actually heard someone from the New Orleans talk, and so she just has him speak in third person and just throws in random French words. Like I said, weird.
Now do you understand just what I have to put up with each day? It's a miracle that I even get out of bed every morning in the first place. Sometimes I just want to hire a team of assassins to do our dirty work.
BUT LIVING WITHOUT JEAN! I HAVE TO ENDURE SUCH AGONY EACH DAY, AS I FORCE MYSELF TO GO ALONG WITHOUT HER! THE HUMANITY! THE PAIN! THE ENDLESS PAIN THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE ME, THAT WILL STAY BY MY SIDE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, UNTIL I JOIN JEAN IN THE AFTERLIFE, AND WE BURN IN HELL TOGETHER, WHERE WE BELONG!
I'LL NEVER SEE HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN IN THIS LIFE! OR RUN MY HANDS THROUGH HER VIBRANT RED HAIR! OR HEAR HER GENTLE LAUGH!
NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!
And so, seeing these stories of Jean and I together causes me immense pain, as I'm sure you can understand. Please, stop writing these stories which feature Jean and I together as a happy romantic couple. THEY BURN MY EYES! THE GUILT! THE UNYIELDING GUILT! I WILL NEVER ESCAPE FROM IT!
Besides, I've now moved onto Emma Frost. Our relationship definitely isn't the healthiest; she's a sexual predator and my affections for her stem from a case of Stockholm Syndrome. But hey, at least it's something, right? Maybe I'll be able to forget about Jean soon.
Sincerely,
the X-Men's Exasperated Leader, Comrade Scott Summers