Chapter 16

Black claimed my very being, my very soul. I felt nothing. It was as if I were floating alone in a dark, starless night on a soft cloud. I liked it here, where I didn't have to deal with anything. Being numb was something I was familiar with, and it was just so much better than the pain. Something that made me enjoy that exact moment.

Unfortunately reality was coming back to me. Slowly my eyes fluttered open. The room was dimly lit and I shifted softly. The bed no longer felt as soft as I originally thought. "Bill?" I called out.

Nobody answered and I strained my eyes. The curtains wrapped around my bed were suffocating. It felt like they were closing in on me. Slowly I sat up on the edge of the bed before standing. Something pulled in my stomach but I paid no attention. I was just glad the pain had disappeared. Pulling back the curtain slowly, I shuffled over the cool floor to the door.

A nurse looked up from her paper work at the desk outside of the door. "Mrs. Kaulitz? You shouldn't be up right now!"

I gave her a strained smile. "I need to see Bill."

"Hunni, go back in your room. He is in the other bed." She smiled kindly, walking over and grabbing my arm gently.

Together we walked back in and she sat me in the wheelchair that was in the room. Then she proceeded to pull back the curtain. As if Bill sensed me, his eyes snapped open. "Star!"

"Bill!" I tried to stand but the nurse held me down.

"You must stay in this chair or in the bed OK? You need to recover." I nodded and she finally walked away, leaving Bill and I together.

I smiled up at my husband. There were tears in his eyes. "What's wrong Bill?"

"Star," he swept my hair back from my eyes, "baby."

His voice was so quiet and it killed me. I pushed myself out of the chair and this time felt the dull pain. I gingerly reached down towards my stomach and it didn't feel right. I crawled into Bill's bed, "What's wrong with me? Why isn't my belly like it was before."

"Baby, just stay calm OK. It will be OK we will work this out." At his rushed voice worry set in.

"Bill. My baby! What happened to my baby?!?!" It had finally clicked.

"I'm so sorry baby! They had to!" He held my flailing hands to his chest with amazing strength. "It was to late."

"Bill! They can't take my baby! Why? I was careful! Oh God no! Please say it didn't happen!"

He pulled me tight to his body and held me as sobs wracked my body. His own tears dampened the top of my head. Our baby had died and I never got to meet it. We sat there for what could have been hours, lost in our own thoughts. My child. The one person besides Bill I had come to love more than anything else in this whole world. Gone.

"Was it a boy or girl?"

He shook his head, "I don't know. They wouldn't tell me anything. They were waiting for you to wake up. You were in so much pain Star. It killed me to watch it happen. But you need to sleep," his tender hands smoothed over my hair trailing until he started rubbing small circles on my back. Eventually I fell asleep.

XXX

Sitting alone in the room I allowed myself to break down. Bill had gone for a check up and should be getting released from the hospital soon. Yet they kept me here. Sure, I was often crying but it was no reason for them to keep me. It's not like I was going to go back to cutting myself. I still had Bill to keep me grounded, to be my rock.

I wrapped my arms around myself and curled into a ball, tears streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't sleep anymore. Nightmares plagued my mind all hours. In the nightmares my baby would be there, smiling up at me. His tiny arms would flail in the air and I would try to pick him up. Yet every time I got close he seemed to slip a little farther away. When he cried I wanted nothing more than to hold him.

But as cruel as life is, I couldn't live with it. I had to break down when my baby was gone. The baby I would never truly know. Little Tyler. I smiled at the name Bill and I had decided to put on the tombstone. Even though he never truly lived, he needed the recognition. My sweet, sweet baby boy.

"Star," a cool hand touched my shoulder gently. I quickly wiped away the tears and rolled over to see who it was. Lacy gave me a gentle smile and I returned a watery one. "Oh hunni," she wrapped her arms around me, "I'm so sorry."

I clung to her like my life depended on it and sobbed. She just sat there and held me close. We didn't have to speak because we both knew what the other would say. The silence was comforting and eventually I began to calm down. "Thank you for coming here."

"No problem sweety, don't worry about it. I had to come see my best friend!" She smiled again and pulled me in for yet another hug.

I smiled for the first time as I saw Andreas make his big entrance. "I hear there is one of my besties that needs cheering up in here?" The blonde jumped as the door hit the wall with a bang.

I giggled slightly and Lacy did as well, "hi Andi!"

Before I knew it I was swept up into his long arms into a tight hug. "Oh! Squeeze hug!" I shut my eyes and enjoyed the hug.

When he finally set me down on the bed I gasped for air, "Thanks Andi."

"No problem shorty!" He ruffled my hair with a goofy grin.

The room continued to fill as all of my friends came in. Tom and Amy walked in. The dreaded boy waved. "Tom! How are you feeling?" I asked with concern.

"Pretty good. A few cracked ribs and I get headaches sometimes, otherwise I'm fine." He paused, "How are you?"

I gave him a weak smile and shrugged, "I'm still living"

They all chuckled at this. We continued to talk and laugh over the next hour before Bill walked in. "Holy! Star, you're having a party and you didn't invite me? I'm disappointed." He pouted and went to his bed. "I'll just go sit alone over here I guess."

"Ok sweety, you have fun!" I gave him a cheeky wave and before I knew it he had me in his arms.

"You're not very nice, you know that?" He nuzzled my neck, sending shivers down my spine. "Guess what."

I sighed, "What Mr. I'm-pouty-so-I'm-gonna-cry-till-I-get-my-way?" I winked.

"I'm going home today and so are you!" He exclaimed, dancing around with me still in his arms.

I squealed and laughed as he danced around the room. "You're sure?" I asked.

"You betcha!" His grin was infectious, "they said you've been smiling more," he winked at me.

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's get the hell out of here!" I wrinkled my nose and everyone laughed, "Chop, chop!"

Laughing, everyone pitched in to gather everything up. Over the last week or so thousands of cards and flowers had come in for both of us from all over the world. All of us grabbed an armful as well as the home stuff that we had and walked out the door. As soon as we were outside I took a deep breath and sighed. Finally free.

Bill nudged me and I smiled up at him bravely. The smell of rain brought back the memories but I forced myself to forget. That part could now be locked away with all my other horrible memories. The place in my mind I visited as rarely as possible. The part I kept alone for when I fell asleep.

XXX

I woke up with a scream stuck in my throat once again. Slowly, shaking, I sat up and rubbed my face. The dull light from the moon fell across the bed. It seemed to reflect off of Bill's pale skin. I wondered who Tyler would look more like. I hoped it would have been Bill. His beauty was greater than my own.

The hole in my heart ached thinking about the little one. We were going to bury his ashes tomorrow beside Bill's grandparents. It seemed right to have him in that cemetery as opposed to my family's. More formal. A proper burial for my baby boy. The tears continued to fall down my face and I couldn't sleep anymore.

Slowly I got out of the comfortable, warm bed and made my way to the shower. My feet padded lightly on the floor and I walked to the bathroom. Splashing my face with cold water to wash away the tears I bent over the sink. Silently I grabbed a towel and dried my face. I screamed as I looked into the mirror.

"Star?!" Bill's worried voice echoed in the small room. "What happened?"

I looked up at him and shook my head. "It's nothing."

"Baby," Bill forced me to look at him, "I'm not stupid. What happened?" Concern was written all over his face.

"I just scared myself when I looked in the mirror," I shook my head. "I feel so stupid. My own reflection scared me."

"It's alright hun, I'm here for you. By the way, next time you have a nightmare don't be afraid to wake me up. I'm always here for you OK?" He sat down on the floor beside me and held me close.

I snuggled close to him, "It's not worth both of us losing sleep."

"But it is." He murmured. "I love you and I will always be here for you. Forever."

XXX

Bill left once again to go on tour. Yet instead of a couple months, only for a couple weeks. Yet he still left me. Jost offered to take me on tour, but I didn't want to weigh them down. Instead I stayed locked up in our house, haunted by my own thoughts. They yelled at me for not being more careful. They threatened to take away more than my baby and I was scared. I had nobody to turn to without being admitted to the crazy center.

Why did you run around like you were five? You should have been more careful!

Are you stupid? He would have lived and so would your baby if you didn't try to move that TV!

You killed an unborn child!

The onslaught of voices quickly took over my life. They were all I could ever hear and soon I locked myself in my dark room. My chest felt as if someone had stabbed me over and over again, leaving me to bleed out.

Author's Notes:

YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!!!

I love the reviews u leave and it inspires me! Thank you so much! *HUGGLZ ALL AROUND (and cookies)*

i don't know or own the boys..... or Andreas... haha...... ='[

some of you predicted wat would happen! Glad u connected the events ;-] tell me ur thoughts?

~BECKY~