Whataya Want From Me

~Adam Lambert~

For the first time in days, I got out of bed. I have been preparing for this day for a while now. Today, I was going out with Lacy and Andreas. I had to pretend I was happy. They were the only ones here to check on me, and as long as I could convince them, I was safe. It would be hard, considering they are two of my best friends, but I was sure I could do it.

I slowly climbed into the shower, letting the scalding water run over my body. My skin turned an angry red as the steam rose around me. I grabbed the poof that has sat unused for so long and drenched it in soap. I scrubbed at my body, rubbing it raw. Enjoying the scraping against my skin.

Time passed quickly, yet I remained under the spraying water. Eventually, the water began to cool and I wrapped myself in a towel. Little droplets of water fell from my hair, leaving a trail behind me. I wandered aimlessly around our house for a little while, barely sparing the nursery a glance. There was no way I could make myself face that. It was to much.

Finally I decided it was time I should get ready. I dragged my feet to my room and started to dig through my closet. Outfit after outfit ended up on the floor. It was becoming impossible to find anything. Giving up, I started on my hair. The brush ripped through the matted knots with difficulty. Yet the pain didn't register.

Eventually I put the brush down. With shaking hands, I began to do my makeup. It took little time and I stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize the woman before me. Her pale face was stretched tightly over her bones and her eyes seemed sunk in. Gently I brushed a hand across my face, realizing for the first time how gaunt I had become.

Jumping up I finished getting dressed. My mind whirled as I looked back on the last couple weeks. After losing the baby, I lost myself. I forgot who I was. I forgot those who cared about me. I probably even hurt them. Tears of anger towards myself threatened to over throw me. With a last minute choice I picked up the phone.

"Hello?" The deep voice picked up on the second ring.

"Bill," I murmured into the phone.

"Star, is everything ok?"

I smiled into the phone, "I'm sorry for everything." He tried to interrupt but I kept going, "I have been a shell. I forgot that you must be hurting just as much. I love you Billa."

"It's ok honey. I promise. I miss you."

"I miss you too," I twirled a strand of hair around my finger. "I can't wait to see you again."

"I know baby, but it won't be to long. We're wrapping up the tour in a couple weeks. Then I'll be home once again."

"I know," I sighed, "Be safe Ok? I'm going out with Andreas and Lacy tonight. I love you."

I could hear the smile in his voice, "I love you too. Have fun talk to you later." With that he was gone. I sighed and hung up the phone. If he only knew.

XXX

"Hurry up Star!" Lacy called from the front seat. I ran to the car, trying not to breath in to much of the rain-perfumed air. As soon as I crawled in she looked back and shook her head, "I like the outfit but you don't fool me."

Andi looked in the rear-view mirror and nodded, "You doing OK?"

I shrugged, "Better than I was."

They both smiled softly and I returned a small one back. "How are you two?"

"Great," Lacy answered. "The plans are almost final for the wedding. All that's left is to get the bridesmaid dresses." Her eyes flickered back to me, "Are you still up for being my maid of honor?"

My hand flew to my mouth, "my god! I can't believe I forgot! Shit!" I frantically tried to regain my composer, "Of course Lace!"

She sighed, "Thank you Star, this means the world to me."

"It's not a problem, trust me." I truly smiled, "It's an honor!"

Andi laughed, "Sure, sure." then he winked at me as Lacy smacked his arm lightly.

"So where are we going?" I asked, looking at my skinny jeans and t-shirt outfit.

They shared yet another look, "we are going clubbing!" They both laughed and I grinned, perfect!

Soon we got to the club and the music was already pumping. Lace grabbed my hand and together, we danced our way inside. The heavy beat pulsed through my veins, becoming a part of me. I swayed with the music and slowly made my way to the bar. The man behind the counter looked me over as I ordered my Caesar.

I had lost a lot of the weight I had gained during pregnancy and then some more from not eating. I knew I didn't look very healthy, but what did I care. I didn't have to impress anyone. They didn't have to like me, I never once asked anyone to. I was just lucky some did. I shook my head at my thoughts, trying to get them to leave me alone. Eventually I wandered back onto the dance floor and let myself be controlled by the music. I let myself be the beat's puppet controlled by strings attached to the pulsating speakers.

Before I knew it, I was more than a little intoxicated. The alcohol, music, and sweat became all that I was. There was no Star left, just a girl trying to party and forget. Eventually Lacy and Andreas decided we had partied enough and drug me to the car. I didn't want to leave, but decided I was in no condition to be making those choices. "Wow Star," Lace pushed my hair back, "have a little to much fun?"

I shook my head, "Just what I needed." I smiled at two of my best friends, "Thank you guys."

"For what?" Andreas asked as he pulled out of the parking lot.

I shrugged, "For the night out. I really needed it."

"We thought you would," Lace hugged me and smiled. "But now it's time we got you home and in bed."

I grinned and drifted in and out of sleep on the way home, happy to be back to my hiding place. As I left the small car I waved with a smile, "Thanks again guys! See you in a few days?"

"Of course! Now go sleep or you are gonna the most epic hangover ever!" Andreas laughed and drove off. I shook my head with a small giggle, that boy always knew how to cheer me up. I drug my feet to the door and let myself in. With a sigh I washed off my makeup and crawled into bed, ready for a good sleep.

XXX

I awoke with the sun streaming in the open window. For the first time in two weeks I had slept the whole night without a single nightmare waking me. It felt good, like the thing that had been missing all along. I still skipped over breakfast, but promised myself I would eat lunch today. I wandered the house, cleaning up the mess and dust.

I was shocked at what had gathered those few days nobody was roaming around. Embracing my allergies that arose with the dust, I worked up a sweat scrubbing down everything. With the music blasting, I sung along with my favorite songs. It felt good, like detox. At that thought I mentally cringed. A brief touch to that spot of my mind could send me into crazies for a week.

For days, I worked at cleaning the house. I found that if I was exhausted by the end of the day, the nightmares left me alone. Yet if I didn't work hard enough, they would rise in the middle of the night. Before long, I was running out of things to do and the nightmares were more frequent once again. I tried to busy myself, but it didn't always work.

Screams were my life. Happy Bill wasn't home I would sit up late at night, rocking myself. The pictures were to graphic for my mind. Being stupid and over thinking things, I let them become more than my imagination. I let them become my reality.

XXX

They pulled at me once again as I rocked myself. The images flashed before my wide eyes. A silent scream was stuck in my throat once again. The silence deafened me. They made no noise anymore, just taunted me. They held my baby, my Tyler just out of reach. They coaxed me closer to them.

It got harder and harder to stay back. I wanted nothing more than to hold my baby. Yet if I joined them, there was no turning back. I would be theirs forever. I couldn't do it. I fought them, tried to yell. A cold hand touched me and I screamed out. "What do you want from me? How can I fix this?!? What am I supposed to do!?"

"Star, Star!" I recognized the voice, yet it sounded so far away. It didn't fit with the picture. Yet they still called to me.

I thrashed around, wondering why my body felt so heavy. Screams tore my throat and I didn't care if it started to bleed. I just wanted them to leave me alone.

"Star, wake up!" Something cold hit my face and I began to come back to reality. I started to sob. "Star, what's wrong? Baby, talk to me!"

Bill's voice was demanding and I looked up at him, tears blurring his face. "They want me to hold Tyler," I whispered.

"Who do?" He asked

I shuddered, "The other side. They want me to come and join them with my baby. I want to hold my baby so bad Bill." He rocked me gently as I cried. After a few minutes I whispered once again, "but I can't leave you."

He held me close, soothing me. His hands rubbed small circles on my back and I sighed. "I love you," he murmured over and over again into my hair. Finally I regained my composer back.

"What are you doing home?" I asked him with a small voice.

"We traveled all night so we could surprise our girls." He kissed my forehead. "And I'm glad I came home. I've been missing you so much." He pulled me tight against him, still calming me. I tried to match my breathing to his, "You have lost so much weight babe."

I shrugged, "Haven't been very hungry."

He nuzzled my neck, "Are you doing OK?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I murmured, wrapping myself around him. "I'm getting by. I'm happy you're home though."

He kissed me and I kissed him back. Our lips were hot and passionate. All of our pent up emotions came tumbling out. All the feelings words couldn't describe. It was like magic the way it seemed to solve everything. I lost myself in the kiss, overcome with love. Bill pulled me closer and I pressed myself really close. Together, we forgot our pain, left it behind in our dust.

Author's Notes:

hey guys! IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been forever and I've had the worst writer's block ever!!!! Not to mention my life has been kind of insane! =[ but excuses are bull shit and so IM VERY SORRY!!! please don't kill me!!!!!!! *hides in dark corner*

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS LEFT REVIEWS! YOU INSPIRE ME TO KEEP WRITING EVERY DAY!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! **hugglz and cookies*

hopefully i will update again soon just for you guys!!! hope you like it!

Whataya want from me is an amazing song! Take a listen! Adam and Bill are a lot alike when you think about it :P

thanks again ppl!!!

~BECKY~