Las Vegas Memorial was a bit larger than Reid had imagined, but not as vast as the university hospital. It didn't take long to be directed to the neurosurgical service and to find Dr. Carson. Reid introduced himself and JJ.
"Dr. Reid, your mother regained consciousness a few hours ago. She seems fully alert and oriented and, according to the Bennington staff, is having a particularly "clear" day. We told her she'd had a seizure, but not what we found to cause it. She knows you are coming, and has been asking about you every few minutes."
Reid was relieved at the report. He dreaded sharing the diagnosis, and especially the prognosis, with her, but was also grateful to catch her on a lucid day. JJ encouraged him to go in without her, to take advantage of her clarity to discuss all they needed to.
Reid entered his mother's room with a soft knock. She was half sitting up in bed, a book in her hands. He remembered so many days she'd looked just like that, when he was a child. She would invite him to join her in the bed and read to him aloud. Although he hadn't known it then, he'd come to treasure those moments.
"Hi,Mom. I guess you've had kind of an exciting day."
"Spencer, you're here! I'm so sorry they bothered you. But I'm so glad to see my boy."
"I'm glad to see you too, Mom. I've missed you. How do you feel?"
"You mean after my little episode? I feel fine, just a little headache. But they don't seem to want to let me out of here. Talk to them, Spencer. Make them let me go back home to Bennington."
He looked everywhere but at her. How to say this? How do you tell your mother to get ready to die?
He swallowed slowly. "Mom, there's something I have to tell you." She stared at him. "The doctors did some tests to find out why you had the seizure. One of the tests found something."
Looking at his face, she suddenly knew. Somehow the pain and loss were already evident, and understanding slowly dawned.
"The doctors found a lesion—a mass—a tumor-in the left side of your brain." Her eyebrows raised, her eyes widened. "They don't know how long it's been there, but it is large, and has a very well developed blood supply. They think you had the seizure because you may have bled into it a little bit, and the sudden increase in size caused the problem."
He studied her for a response, found it only in her eyes. She looked past him, into the middle distance.
"They are worried that it could bleed again, and cause a much bigger problem. So they'd like to give you radiation, to try to make it smaller."
Now she looked directly at him. "Spencer, there's something you're not telling me. Remember, mothers always know. What is it, baby?"
Now he had trouble making eye contact. Taking a deep breath, he plunged in. "The doctors say that these kinds of tumors are often rapidly fatal. They think you may only have a few weeks"-and, trailing off, softly-"or even only a few days."
Diana wasn't quite ready for that. Her hand went to her chest. As often as she'd wished to be liberated from her thought-prison, the idea of imminent death was still frightening. And then the maternal instinct kicked in. She saw her only son, for so many years her only reason for living, in anguish about what he'd told her.
"Spencer, those doctors don't know everything. I feel fine. I'm sure it will pass and I'll be back to normal-or at least my version of normal."
It always amazed him that she managed to inject some humor into a conversation about her illness. Even though he wasn't sure she actually understood that it was humor.
"Mom, I know they don't know everything, and I hope they're wrong-but I'm afraid they may be right this time. I just…..I just thought you would want to know. I'm so sorry."
She looked at him with that penetrating gaze. "I know you are, honey. And you were right to tell me. Now go and get yourself something to eat-you're so skinny! I need to be alone for a little while."
Slowly, he turned to go, and then turned back. "Mom, when I come back, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. We work together, and she came out here with me. You remember I told you about JJ?"
"Spencer! Is she a special girl in your life? I always knew you would find someone when you were ready. I'm so glad I could still be around to meet her."
"We're friends, Mom. She has-had-a boyfriend and she's got a little boy, Henry. She asked me to be his godfather-do you remember me telling you about that?"
"No—but I think It's wonderful, Spencer. You have so much to offer a child." It had happened just after she'd gone off her meds to help him understand about his father and Riley Jenkins. Of course she might not have remembered.
"If it's okay, I'll bring JJ back with me. We won't be long."
"You do that, Spencer. Now, give me my solitude."
He gave her a quick, awkward hug and headed back to the visitors' lounge, where he found JJ waiting.
In response to her query, he said, "She's awake, alert and pretty clear in her thinking." After a deep sigh, he continued, "I told her. I don't know how much she processed it. She started to tell me how doctors can be wrong, but then asked for some time alone. I think she gets it, but I'm not sure. " And a moment later, "I can't believe I've just told my mother she's going to die. I don't even know if it was the right thing to do. How do I know what's right?" He looked at JJ for direction.
She took his hands in hers. "I don't think we ever imagine these things before we're in them, Spence. And we can never know whether any one choice we make is right or wrong. We can only know the things that do happen after we make a choice; we can never know what might have happened if we'd made another choice. I think the only thing you can do is make every decision out of love, and what happens after that, you can't control. I know you love your mother and, more importantly, I'd bet she knows it too. That's all that matters."
Reid pondered that a moment and nodded slightly. "You're right, of course. But I don't know that I can let go of the doubt. I think I'll always wonder if I should have done something differently. But I guess I'm going to have to live with it."
JJ agreed, "As am I, with the decision I made about Will-for both myself and for Henry."
Both of them suddenly realized how very tired they were. After letting Diana's nurse know they were leaving, they found rooms in a nearby hotel and went for a light supper. As they shared their meal, JJ found herself delving into stories from Reid's childhood to a degree she never had before. He seemed to alternate between the light and the darkness, between the memories of Diana with her demons and the Diana that so loved her little boy. JJ began to realize how Reid had become such a complex creature, analytical at one time, emotional another. Above all, she appreciated the monumental strength and resolve it must have taken to navigate such a difficult childhood.
Reid interrupted her reverie. "I told her I'd bring you back with me in a little while. It's strange, for so many years I was ashamed to have any of my friends meet her, but somehow I really want you to know her."
"For my own reasons, Spence, I really want to know her too," said JJ.