Yeah... I've been totally ignoring my freakin' finals. It's just Dave and Kurt are so much more interesting! Can you blame a girl? They're so yummy and tragic. Let's see what our heroes have in store for us this chapter, eh?

Warning: MxM, mentions of suicide/self-inflicted pain, some violence, profanity, some grammar and spelling mistakes. Also I'm from the USA so my English is going to be different than you darling British and Australians and such. I apologize for any confusion ahead of time!

I do not own Glee, but I would love a Kurtofsky pillow one day.

Chapter 3

After escaping the bathroom Dave walked with Puckman who looked immensely sympathetic. He was half way to his locker before some of his former 'friends' found them. Seeing them approach Dave could only think one thing. Fuck. Flinching internally, he numbly watched them approach. They stopped right in front of him. He really didn't want to talk to them, especially Strando. That guy was an even bigger homophobe than Dave had been before he figured out exactly what the fuck was going on with him. The other two boys weren't much better and Dave really didn't think he could handle another confrontation. Suddenly Rachel appeared out of nowhere before any of the group could say anything. Damn, thought Dave, this just went from hellish to pure unadulterated torture. Trying to gauge how far the nearest bathroom was from here Dave was shocked when Strando pulled him into a hug. What the hell? Dave thought dazedly.

"Dude... Not cool." Strando said brokenly into Dave's shoulder. Looking at the other jocks and Rachel rather helplessly Dave stiffly patted the other boy on the back. "Dude, I know we ain't exactly cool right now, and I was a douche, but seriously, don't fucking do that again." Ah, the near death experience, that cleared a hell of a lot up. Rachel, Dave saw was watching him worried.

"He's not holding your neck too tight right?" She mouthed over the huge jock's shoulder. Well it looked like Rachel could actually learn shit about others. He smiled gently at her and continued to pat the other jock's mountain of a shoulder.

"I'm cool Strando, s'kay. I ain't exactly the healthiest I've ever been, but they got me doped up," he was lying, he wasn't on anything that serious, but he figured it'd help, "and I've been doing these three time a week psych meeting."

"Finn's been sayin' you ain't the healthiest dude in the world, Karofsky," one of the jocks said seriously. "He says there some days they have to haul you into the house and shit. That you ain't exactly cool with people around all the time and shit." Finn you big mouthed motherfucker, Dave thought annoyed.

"Yeah, I'm not that cool with people sometimes. Depends on the day. I don't plan on running back into the bathroom today unless something really sucks." He said, sighing with relief when Strando finally let go. Deciding to move onto a saver topic he asked about the practices and the homework in different classes. Quietly acting as sentinels Rachel and Puckerman watched the whole bypass til the bell rang. About half way through Rachel had slipped over and held his hand. Something that he thought neither of them would want or be able to do. Finally able to get his stuff into his new locker he walked to class and settled into a seat in the back of the classroom. Immediately after he sat down the whispers and looks began. Clenching his pen he almost missed Finn and Mike settling into the chairs closest to his, blocking off people who almost immediately started shifting closer. Letting out a shaky sigh, he covered his eyes and mentally counted until the teacher came in. Knowing this was going to be a constant thing all day Dave could feel the sweat break out along his body. He took his notes and knew he'd have to go to the bathroom after this to change shirt. He was packed up to go about ten minutes before class ended, asking to be excused to the bathroom, Dave went straight to the bathroom and stripped off his jacket, sweater, scarf, and undershirt. Rubbing at his skin with a towel he took deep breaths. Clenching the edge of the bathroom sink he dunked his head under the spray. Then rubbing at his hair and face with the towel he looked himself over in the picture.

What the hell am I gonna do? I have to survive this for another seven hours,Dave thought. Turning off the spigot he heard the other classes empty out and knew he needed to head for his next class. Dragging the shirt on, he reached for his sweater when he heard a startled, "Oh!" Surprised, he looked to the side and saw another jock standing there. He was new, and he was wearing a football letterman. Probably the guy who replaced me, Dave thought. Smiling weakly at the other boy, Dave tugged the sweater on, then pulled the jacket on. Picking up Kurt's fabric he rubbed it before rewrapping it around his neck. Taking a deep breath he was struck suddenly by how similar it smelt to Kurt's aftershave, lotion, and shampoo. The scent instantly relaxed him and he left the bathroom with his backpack and damp shirt. Shoving it back into his locker, he wasn't prepared when someone rammed him from behind. Banging his head against the edge he felt a sharp pain. Shaking his head to clear it, he turned to see a group of giggling freshmen rushing by chattering about some inane thing. Pushing the panic and fear down, Dave took a deep breath and breathed in Kurt. Heading to his next class he adjusted the scarf so it was closer to his nose and mouth. He could almost hear Kurt saying everything was going to be just fine.

Three hours later, somehow I've made it to lunch. I see Finn waving at me from across the hall, so I walk over and sit down into a chair next to him. The seating arrangement luckily let's me put my back to the wall so no one can walk up behind me and accidentally startle me. That's something that doesn't go well for me or the person who does it on purpose or on accident. Finn's done it a couple of times and I nearly punched him once and ended up having to take one of the pill that kept me from going into a panic attack. Pulling out the prepacked lunch I dig into my sandwich. My appetite has changed and I still can't really stomach anything to heavy on my stomach. My body has turned weird and moody on me. I'm just as likely to throw up as cry after eating, during eating, or before. Poor Carole had been so worried the first time it had happened. Drinking quietly from my water bottle I watch and smile as the other Glee people join us. The girls are clearly quieter and the boys aren't as rowdy as they usually are which makes me sad. I don't want to be a downer and consider leaving early. Then Kurt shows up. Setting up shop next to me, he gives me a bump and I laugh.

"What?" I say eating an apple. I still love apples and this one's a Granny Smith.

"I should have done what you did this morning! I should have packed a lunch, it's absolutely impossible to find anything decent to eat!" Kurt complains as he digs into a limp salad. Rachel mutters something of an affirmation. She's a vegan as it turns out and the school definitely the worse place to eat for a vegan ever.

Grimacing at it I offer, "Want the other sandwich I packed? I'm not as hungry as I planned to be. I also have a bag of trail mix."

"You sure?" Kurt asks and I nod. As I over him the food, Finn starts complaining as well.

"Dude, why didn't you tell me you had more food I'm still hungry!" Finn says whining. I shake my head in disgust.

"Dude you just ate a whole pizza, two hamburgers and three bags of chips! How the hell are you still hungry? I mean seriously where do you put it?" The whole table scrunches their faces at the mention of how much greasy cafeteria food Finn has eaten. Rachel looks at me and asks, "Did he really eat all of that? Before we even go here?"

I snort in amusement, "That's just from when I got here. I was one of the first people in here, and Finn was already unwrapping the burger wrappers. He'd already finished the pizza." Kurt laughs at this and I feel even more relaxed. "I'm serious," I say laughing. "The guy saw me come up and sighed sadly when he realized I wasn't going to go buy food. I'm pretty sure if I had he would have given more some money to go buy him something. How do your parents handle the food bills?" This makes the whole group laugh and suddenly the ice is broken. They're all talking over one another, discussing how much this class sucks or Nationals. Puckerman and Artie talk about a BioShock marathon and I interject that it might not be a good idea to have Finn on either of their teams which earns me a shoulder shove. I flip him off and finish my apple. Pulling out a stick of gum I tell him to do what he does best and chew. Laughing, he takes it and we end up in a long discussion over which gun in Mortal Combat is best. Considering he usually ends up incorrectly detonating or shooting like shit, I tell him he might do better with hand to hand fighting games which gives him pause and he actually admits to being better at them. There's a break in the conversation as some of the members get up to leave. When Kurt stands up I snag his wrist and tug him down so his ear is next to my mouth, I ask, "do you have any of your body spray with you?" He gives me a superior look.

"Of course I do David." He's taken to calling me David, which I rather like.

"Could I use it for a bit?" I ask him quietly still. He cocks an eyebrow. I can't help but throw in, "Also dude, this scarf is totally my scarf now."

"Your scarf? I thought you didn't do pastels." He says snidely, and I grimace.

"There's no pastels in this scarf. It's a very manly blue plaid." I tell him in response. He merely snickers, and I feel like he's hiding something from me but he stops being a diva and pulls out the scent. Smiling he hands it to me and I spray some on the scarf, refreshing the smell I've come to rely on to get through the day. He cocks his head to the side, and yes, I admit, the motions are weird but thankfully he gives me a We'll-talk-about-it-later look. I merely shrug, return the bottle, and he leaves. Turning to pack up my bag I see the rest of the table looking at me weirdly.

"What?" I ask nervously.

"You're really not that bad a guy are you?" Mercedes asks.

"Uh... I'm a dick when playing with games and I didn't have my shit together when I was bullying you guys, something I really regret. So... I'm not that sure of the answer. I also used to be pretty influenced by the 'status quo' which made me be an asshole." I scratch my neck awkwardly and tug the scarf up over my nose and mouth hiding my neck from them as well. Taking deep breathes I let Kurt's smell calm me down.

"Well... Everyone's a dickhead when they're playing games and they're especially fucked up when they're pressured and unsure of shit." Puckerman says in reply, "but the whole weirdo scarf thing is new dude." I flush at this.

"Uh... Yeah, sorry if the scarf thing is weird." I mumble into the scarf. I really don't want to explain it but there goes Rachel being her damn pain in the ass self.

"What? That's new?" She looks me over, and continues, "it is pretty weird, why do you do it? And you're stealing it from Kurt?" Oh shit she's overheard. "What's up with that? It doesn't really seem your style." Damn, now the whole table is zeroed in on the scarf thing. Struggling to figure out how to explain it I bunch in on myself.

"I, uh," I start, "I calm down a lot when Kurt's around. Which sounds really stupid since it used to be that merely mentioning his name used to push me into being an over aggressive asshole."

"That doesn't explain the scarf thing white boy." Mercedes says. The whole table is being very careful with me, and poor Finn is looking more worried than usual.

"Do you need me to text Kurt Dave?" Finn asks. Finn already understands the whole "Kurt can calm me down and prevent me from going crazy" deal. Mercedes has an idea of it, but she doesn't realize how extreme an effect he has on me.

"No, Finn, s'kay." I mumble, I play with the ends of the scarf and my bag for a few seconds before saying, "Kurt has a way of calming me down. I dunno if it's his scent, or his voice or the fact he was the first person to know I was gay or because he was the first person I came out to... But just having him around sometimes prevents me from having one of my attacks." They all blink at the word 'attacks'. I'm sensing I'm over sharing but it's already out there and I figure screw it, they asked.

"Attacks," Tina says faintly. I really don't like where this is going but dammit it needs to be out there.

"It probably sounds weird, but I have trauma over my suicide attempt. The whole thing was due to a lot of repressed shit, and though attempting suicide calmed some of it down, a lot of it just got worse and worse. Some of the things are triggers, like not being able to sleep in my room or people saying certain things to me. I don't like people coming out of nowhere or people clinging to my neck too tightly like you saw this morning. Actually, anything overly tight around my neck can cause me to freak out, and sometimes I'll just shut down and end up in a ball somewhere." Finn nods at the last statement.

"Yeah, he ended up on the roof like that the other night." I shudder at the memory. "He and I went up there 'cause being outdoors helps him and shit, then the next thing I know he's curled up and freaking the hell out. Kurt talked him out of most of it but it was pretty bad there for a couple seconds."

"You took him up to the roof?" Rachel says aghast. I shake my head at that.

"No, he found me on the roof. He was trying to talk me down til I got pissed at him and told him being outdoors relaxed me. Which it usually does. Something about being in a closed in place after being in the closet isn't that easy for me. I guess deciding to commit suicide in a closet has made me a little claustrophobic." The group becomes pretty pale at the details of my suicide, and I don't exactly blame them. However, now that I've started talking, nothing can stop me. "He almost had me down and shit, when I choked on something and flipped out."

"Kurt got him down by talking to him, calling his name over and over." Finn says. I nod and fiddle with the ends of the scarf breathing in Kurt.

"The doctor said that since Kurt was the person I tried to contact before I did the deed and who I relied on most through my transition position means he's ingrained on me or some stupid assed shit. Apparently, I look to him as a support and a fail safe."

"Still doesn't explain the scarf, Dave," Rachel says quietly. I stroke it between my fingers.

"I started freaking out during class and ended up having to change shirts 'cause I panic sweated too much. After I finished changing I accidentally caught a whiff of Kurt's aftershave on the scarf and instantly calmed down. I tested it out again when some freshmen accidentally slammed me into my locker and I nearly overloaded," I touch the bruise on the edge of my forehead just in reflection and they all zero in on it, "and found the smell calms me down since it reminds me of Kurt. Kurt calms me down." I said. "The whole morning since has been me coping by sniffing the scarf which is why I have this weird attachment to it now and got Kurt to let me spray it with more scent." I stop and let the group process it all. Even Finn is thinking it over and he's been stuck in the middle of it for several days.

"So if you ever really freak the hell out..." Artie says slowly, "we should shove something that smells like Kurt under your nose?" I pause to consider it.

"Well... It might be easier to call him or let me cope. It depends on what's happening, you can't make me smell things when I'm having a nightmare or I don't want anyone near me." The girls exchange a glance obviously remembering I locked myself in a stall in the bathroom this morning. It's actually been one of my better days though I don't tell them that. I shrug, and say, "other shit calms me down, and if you can get me to take one of my panic pills I'll be okay after that too. And with that I feel like I've over shared." The whole group kind of grimaces.

"They, hell I, need to know what to do if you freak out man." Finn says seriously causing me too look at him. "I've been living with you the last four days and it's clear you've been trying to make it easier on others by not reaching out, but it ends up with worse spells." I frown at this.

"I thought I was getting better." I tell him timidly. He shakes his head.

"You cope better with Kurt there, but from what I've seen it just hits harder, rather than faster. The night on the roof wasn't nearly as bad as this morning."

"Well I was more relaxed that night and this morning I was already terrified. I mean even sitting hear with you guys is hard." They all look at me startled. "Yeah, I'm relaxed, but I'm always scared of what happened that week, and all the other shit I've imagined, happening. Like I said, it's not only the suicide that's fucking with me, it's the three years of denial and self-inflicted torture I've been doling out. It didn't make me happier picking on you although it always seemed that way to you. It didn't fix that I was gay, or that my mother thinks I need to go to a doctor to convince me my "gay lifestyle choice" is the wrong one. It doesn't help that my best friend turned his back on me and didn't even wait for me to explain shit to him. I've already been disowned by my grandfather and that many of my relatives, who used to compare their children to me, think I'm absolute shit. One even called me in the hospital and wished me better luck with a second attempt. My father had a field day on his brother-in-law when he found out about it, it nearly pushed back my release day and I had to be medicated heavier for a few hours." They all went pale at that except for Rachel who turns a dark reddish purple color.

"They said what?" Rachel nearly screeches out. I wince and huddle into my scarf. That causes a lot more looks around the cafeteria to become pointed in our direction. Rachel is shushed by Tina and Mercedes look just about ready to kill her.

"It's all over my Facebook, email, and Twitter account as well. My father and Burt won't let me on a computer without supervision. They're scared something will set me off again." I say simply. Suddenly the whole group is pulling out smartphones and looking up the shit. Suddenly typing and all sort of dinging sounds are being made. "Uh... What are you guys doing?"

"Getting online to raise some hell with those douche bags. Just because Santana is the queen bitch in our circle, and Kurt's the resident ice queen doesn't mean we don't become rather nasty when one of our own gets fucked with." Artie said rather fiercely. I blink at the one of our own comment and feel tears bubble up. Mercedes sees this and comes over.

"Dave, sweetie," she says hugging me, "it's okay, don't cry." I hug her around the middle and shake my head trying hold back. She rubs my back soothingly and everybody starts whispering worriedly. "Oh sugah, ain't nothin' wrong." She says and I finally breakdown crying into her stomach.

"I didn't know I belonged," I mumbled into her shirt. She hugs me tighter.

"Dude you were the most popular kid at school before you transferred," Puckerman says startled. Sobbing into Mercedes I say almost incoherently, "but I was hiding everything I was so hard that nobody actually knew me. And then everyone hated me even more 'cause I was stuck hiding and I didn't belong even more." I cry harder into Mercedes and she keeps patting my back. Finally lunch ends and Finn hands me a wet wipe. It tells you how often I breakdown when Finn, clueless sweet Finn, is carrying wet naps around with him. The whole group just watches me pull myself back together, and then Mercedes readjusts my scarf so it lays nicely. I snuggled close to it and hug her again.

"I'm okay now." I scrub my eyes tiredly after releasing her.

"Dude, you so soft now." Puckerman says eying me awkwardly, like I'm some sort of chick who is on her period. I frown at the thought of that.

"Just because I cry more, admit that I'm gay, and won't return to football because I'm not sure how I'd handle all of the other jock's reactions doesn't mean I won't or can't punch you in the mouth for being douche. It just means I'll end up upset afterward and you'll have to deal with a crying freaked out Dave while everyone else kicks your ass." Puckerman winces at me and the jocks at the next table, who over hear this obviously reevaluate screwing with me. "I mean really, who want's to set off the poor suicidal Dave?" I say bitterly. "I'm a fucking bipolar, ugly as shit mess. I'm as likely to beat the shit out of you as collapse." Finn winces at this. I instantly feel bad and apologize again, "I'm still really sorry about nearly punching you the other day Finn." He winces again.

"I know man, my mom told me not to tease you like that, I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd beaten me up, hell I nearly got thrashed by both Burt and Kurt when they found out. I'm still getting bitched at by Kurt over it." He replies giving my shoulder a friendly bump. I force myself to relax. Walking away with Mercedes, we have English together now, I hear Puckerman, Artie and Mike ask about the near punch. All I can hear is Finn saying, "whatever you do don't put your hands over his eyes from behind, and don't jump on his back. He tossed me onto the couch for the jump thing, but he nearly cleaned my clock for the whole eye thing then he cried and wouldn't leave the bathroom for an hour. Plus Kurt threatened to shave me bald and rip my eyes out. It was scary as hell. My mom yelled at me. And she never yells practically." Seeing my expression over the conversation both Mercedes and I can still clearly hear, she gives me a hug and we enter the classroom. Several of people from lunch look at me curiously. Some are also fearful, others are guarded, but there's a lot of pity. Something I'm not sure about. Putting it away, I listen to the teacher drone on about the Transcendentalist period and take notes. The next few classes are a blur while I keep my face buried in my notes, textbooks and Kurt's scarf. Sucking in Kurt's scent I feel heat pulse in my chest. So as much as I want to cling to him, I know that it isn't good for either of us. I shouldn't be overly dependent on Kurt. Kurt's going to find someone someday. He doesn't need a broken jock holding him back. So even though I love Kurt, as much as I need him... I have to start figuring out shit on my own. Breathing in his scent I hold back his tears and ignore the possibility that being without Kurt won't stop me from stepping off the ledge the next time, sucking back some pills, or walking into that closet again to properly finish the job.

OMG... This is so emotionally draining sometimes. You just feel like you've carved out a piece of yourself and plunked it down for people to grade, read, and fantasize about. I feel so bad for Dave, and I'm so pissed we don't get to see how he recovers at all. I'm so mad there hasn't been any mention of him in the next season! Urgh. Anyway, I hope you have comments, questions and concerns. I'm already a review ho. LOL and I've only had my story up like... three days. Hopefully you can keep reading!

Love and felicitations,

Amni 3