OMGOMGOMG *fangirl sqeal*! Tresspassing is out (adam lamberts new album)! To anyone who doesn't know aout him I HIGHLY suggest yo check it out! And sry guys I promised less than a week and its been 8 days im sorry but I got caught up in stuff I didn't know about. But this chapter is longer than most of my writing (even though its average or short for others maybe) and hopefully that will make up a little for my broken promises. And if anyone here is reading all is fair in love and war I know its been a while but that will be the next thing I update I promise. Okay- anybody who is still reading this- here is the second installment of the coffee shop fic, the encounter from Magnuss POV
Magnus (POV)
I went out for coffee, apposed to just conjuring it, in hopes of distracting myself, and taking my mind off things. Most of those things were Alec related. I almost changed my mind because of the vicious snow storm that had brewed but knew if I didn't get out of my loft I would succumb to another pathetic day of ignoring the calls of clients and wallowing in self pity (most likely watching romantic movies with increasingly fatty snacks). So I went outside for the first time in a while, bundled up in a mink fur coat, to-baggy-for-my-taste pants, and magically enhanced, water proof Ugg boots.
I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I thought that just being around other people would give me something to think about, or that looking for and admiring an attractive ass or two would help me get over that beautiful blue eyed boy. I might have even been going on the off chance of getting laid- but the succeeding of those never happened and the prior two didn't work.
The line was short at the time I arrived. When the cashier had asked what I wanted I gave my order without thinking, from habit.
It wasn't until my name had been called to retrieve said order I realized that subconsciously I had ordered Alec's usual drink as well as my own. Of course I did what anyone would do. I only took my own, pretending I had no association with the lonely looking espresso on the counter. I tried not to think anything of it as I found a seat, but couldn't stop the flood of different memory's that rose involving Alec and coffee.
On one of our first times alone together I conjured coffee for him. It had some vanilla in it and he made the cutest childlike face when he sipped it, scrunching his nose and eyebrows before asking for black. And then that one time at a shop like this across the street from my place in Brooklyn we had gone out for brunch and I said something that was more amusing than I thought it would be and he snorted, then spit the mouthful he had all over some poor old lady...
I would have gone to that place if I didn't think the recollections would be counterproductive. It would have saved a lot of unpleasant snow wading. I sighed and sank into my seat feeling as depressed as ever when I realized there would be no more memory's like that to create.
About ten minutes, half a cup of gingerbread latte (for the sake of the upcoming holiday season) , and a measurable amount of despair later, he entered. A gust of cold air blew in from outside and the door dinged as it was opened. I pushed my wind mused hair out of may face and glared up toward the door to see who the culprit was. When I did my eyes were assaulted by a shivering, but determined looking boy shaking snow out of his hair. Alec.
My second instinct was to duck under the table and hide. The first being, of course, to run up and wrap my arms around him and never let go, but I forced myself to look indifferent. I watched the beautiful boy as he ordered his coffee, and as the barista made that particular order, not for the first time today. As he stood looking away from me I kept my eyes on him. I was thankful he hadn't seen me yet because it gave me the chance to admire him for the first time since we had broken up. Past the winter clothes I could barley recognize the thick chested and slim wasted frame that I knew was hidden beneath. His skin was only a shade darker than the snow flecks still sparsely strewn across the expanse of his body and stuck in his untidy hair.
When the woman handed him his drink and he took the cup in the hand that didn't hold a pastry bag. I noticed her shirt hung considerably lower than it had earlier. She leaned forward further than necessary and brushed her fingers against his before he thanked her and strode away from me to the opposite side of the room, without even noticing her flirtatious behavior. I glanced sparingly back at her. She was of course pouting broodingly as she watched him walk away. Who could blame her? I still can't believe I ever had a chance with someone as raw and innocent as Alec. Yanking the collar of her shirt back up to its regular level she turned to the next customer, who had been complaining stridently at her disregard of him and the rest of the diminutive line. My attention returned greedily to Alec.
If we were still together that encounter would have played out much differently. It was always entertaining when girls flirted with Alec. My reaction to it had become a routine. I would walk up, grab his ass, and kiss him before throwing my arm around his shoulder and politely ask what they were talking about. After that the female would usually get really embarrassed and leave and Alec would be blushing like a maniac. To bad I couldn't have done that now.
Alec had taken his seat and I leaned back into my chair waiting for him to spot me. When Alec's eyes met mine I raised my hand in acknowledgment. I realized I would need some excuse to look away and snatched a forgotten, damp, moldy smelling newspaper off the table adjacent to my own. I stared down at it blankly; hopefully looking like I was immersed in the article, which, if I cared enough to check, I would know was about the pros and cons of the budget cuts to this areas school district. Instead the words blurred in front of me, and all I could think about was Alec.
I don't know how but I knew, but I could tell he was still watching me. It was painfully hard to occupy the same room and not be able to touch him, or even look at him. I missed the days we used to just sit for hours together in these little coffee shops, just talking and laughing. Smiling about nothing. Not having a care in the world. I wished I had appreciated those kinds of moments when we had them. But like they say, you never know what you have until it's gone. In Alec's case the reverse of that made sense to me too. For over eight hundred years I didn't know what I was missing until I had it. And even after I figured out I had something great I threw it away.
Why was I naïve enough to let him go? Somewhere I knew I had made the right decision, and that this would be better for us- for him. Alec would do better without me. All I did was cause trouble for him, and this would be better. If we stayed together the Clave would have eventually stripped his marks, and being a shadowhunter meant everything to him. Being a shadowhunter was tough enough with people knowing he was gay was tough enough for him already. From what I had witnessed of the obvious disapproval and shame that seemed to radiate off of others and toward him during gatherings would be amplified largely if he was involved with a filthy downworlder. Yes. That's why I'm doing this. I reminded myself. It's better for him this way. I'm just holding him back.
Plus, on the countless nights I spent thinking of him and putting all my energy into not pleading for redemption I realized it never would have lasted anyway. When we were together I had (sorta) come to terms with him dying, and with the fact that I would outlive him and comforted myself thinking I would have gotten all his attention. When he breathed his last breath I would be there and he would tell me for the last time that he loved me, and I would let him go. I knew I would never truly get over losing him but the pain would become manageable over time and I would be able to handle myself. I would be comforted by the fact he loved me and only me throughout his fragile, mortal life, and carry on knowing his last wish would be for my happiness. At least that's what I told myself.
I thought back to the night, or maybe at that point the early minutes of morning when I had sent him away. Where I had summoned the strength to do that I would never know.
I stood by my front door waiting for him. I had been standing a while… How long had it been? Two hours? Three? Chairman was keeping me company at first but after a while he had padded away and curled up on the couch in the living room. I could hear him snoring in there now, and though I should have been by then I wasn't tired or bored. I was also vaguely aware of the ticking second hand of the clock as the minutes wore on. I repeatedly went through what I would say to Alec. I would tell him I had met someone else, and that it meant more to me than he did. It would hurt him, but if I told him the real reason he probably wouldn't have left very willingly, and I was not in the mood for a skirmish. When the blue eyed shadowhunter finally buzzed I took a few breaths to gather myself, knowing it would be strange if I answered right away. All I had to do was reach my arm out to open the door. Alec tried to step in but I held my arm out and forced my gaze toward his face. It was clouded with confusion, and it took more energy than I thought possible to not change my mind. The sight of his face brought a wave of emotion over me and I had to abandon my plan, knowing I wouldn't make it through a conversation without giving up the façade. I shook my head subtlety, and without realizing it. "I know I'm going to see you around when I do work for the institute, but as for our other, more personal meetings, I think they should stop." I closed the door before he said anything and clung to it as I watched him through the peephole. He stood, working out what I had said and his eyes shone with tears that soon spilled over. When he turned to leave and walked away, shoulders slumped, eyes trained on the ground I felt my heart leave my chest to follow him home. When he was out of sight I fell to my knees. Surprisingly no tears came until the next morning. Instead I sat in a daze, listening to the snores of the chairman and the ticking of the clock until the rising sun flooded the room with light and I fell into a restless sleep.
Now I had come to my senses and allowed the bitter truth to sink in. Now I knew that never could have happened. The fact we were together at all was sweet serendipity. I was the first person he ever dated, and no one actually lived happily ever after with their first love. Hell, Alec probably never even loved me. I would bet he was just using me to dip his toes into the idea of a homosexual relationship and come to terms with himself and his teenaged lust.
That was it plain and simple. Nobody fell irreversibly hard for their first girlfriend or boyfriend and that's just the way it was. As hard as it was to admit, and I was still coming to terms with it, Alec never could have had any of deep, complex, soul consuming feelings I had for him. A part of me was taken when he had walked away that night and I didn't think I would ever get it back. Like living without a leg I wouldn't be able to function at all for a while, but would slowly become accustomed to the situation, and even though I would eventually return to a relatively normal life I would always be missing something, and never be able to dive into things with the trust or conviction I could when I met Alec, out of the fear of becoming completely crippled.
Alec still held that part of me. The part that had become to attached and dependent and in love with him to ever let go, and while it weakened me now that it was missing it was probably making him stronger. It was an implement he would always carry with him. He would probably never use it but if he ever needed too it would be there as something to lean on; just like I would always be there with a weak resolve if he ever even hinted at wanting me back.
I was weak. I had always known I wasn't strong, but couldn't comprehend the extent of my frailty until I met Alec. I fell deeply in love with him. Dangerously deeply. I made the mistake of falling so deep I wouldn't ever be able to get out, and now for the rest of my immortal life I would dwell on the mistake I made, and live with a different heart than I had once had.
I did not read over that so I hope you forgive my mistakes but I didn't want to be another day late and its getting late. Im still not sure if this is the end of this fic or if I will continue it. I don't really have a great ideas for it but I have an okay one for where this would go. If anyones interested review and tell me or give me ideas if you have them. So basically it comes down to that- if you want more review or I will assume no one is interested (how else am I supposed to know?).
Love you all!