As the flashbulbs burst she holds a smile

Like someone would hold a crying child

- "Cath…" by Death Cab for Cutie

"Hey, I'm home," Holly called out cheerfully as she stepped through the front door.

AJ greeted her with a smile, "How was the seminar?"

"It was alright. Nothing new, but Sarah and I had fun."

"Great. I missed you, you know," AJ smiled again.

Holly kissed his cheek, "And I missed you."

Holly wondered if it could be true. They had been trying for so long with no success; she was almost frightened to allow herself to think that there was a possibility of it this time. But the facts were throwing themselves in front of her, and she couldn't ignore them. Her period was late. It was supposed to have arrived two weeks ago. And it was always consistent, always on time. It was never late like it was now. So with that in mind, she allowed herself to face the possibility that she might be pregnant.

It wasn't that she didn't want it. The exact opposite was true. She and AJ had been trying for what felt like ages, and every month when it didn't happen she knew both of their hearts broke a little bit. But she was scared. She didn't want to convince herself that there was a real, actual possibility that she could be pregnant and simply end up disappointed again. It would be absolutely devastating.

But she couldn't ignore this. She had to know; she had to put her mind to rest. Her hands trembling, she opened the box she had purchased at the drug store.

AJ arrived home several hours later to find her frantically cleaning the kitchen.

"Holly?" he asked, looking concerned and befuddled.

She moved quickly with the broom. It was as if she was attacking the floor.

"You know, I've really let the dirt pile up in here," she said tersely, "If we had a kid, it would practically be a safety hazard."

"Is that what this is about?" AJ asked softly.

She didn't answer and continued sweeping.

"Holly, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Nothing's changed; everything's the same. That's what's wrong. Though I don't know why I allowed myself to imagine anything else than another negative test."

"Oh, Holl."

"Why does it always end up like this? It's like the world is trying to give us a hint, or something."

He took her in his arms, "I don't know. I hate it and it breaks my heart, but I don't know."

A few months later, she found herself at her OB/GYN's office, AJ by her side. The doctor reentered the room, test results in hand.

She smiled, "Congratulations."

"What?" Holly whispered.

"You're six weeks pregnant."

Later that afternoon when they arrived home, AJ insisted on carrying her through the front door.

She laughed, "I'm pregnant, not paralyzed. I can still walk, you know."

He kissed her temple, "I know. Gosh, Holly. This is finally happening."

She smiled, "I'm so happy."

"Me too, hun."

"I love you so much, AJ."

He kissed her again, "I love you, too."

The next week, Holly glanced at the clock anxiously one night. AJ was supposed to be home four hours ago. She had tried his cell phone on multiple occasions and gotten his voice mail each time. She was worried; this wasn't him. He was never, ever late. If something had come up, he would have called.

She had called the highway patrol an hour ago. She had hoped it was nothing; maybe he was having car trouble and the battery on his phone had died. Still, she called. She needed to be sure he was alright.

There was a knock on the front door. She placed a hand over her stomach as she opened it, as if to protect her baby from any sort of bad news.

A police officer greeted her, "M'am, there's been an accident."

"An accident?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, but we think your husband may have been hit by another car. A drunk driver."

"Oh, god. Oh, god."

She had gone to the station and identified the body. It had been AJ. They told her that her husband had been killed instantaneously, that he hadn't suffered much.

She reflected on this as she sat at his funeral.

She couldn't focus on the ceremony going on. She felt numb. This was unreal; it wasn't happening.

But it was. She felt the baby kick and it brought her back to reality. This was real. This was all real. AJ was dead, and they were putting him to rest now.

It had been a month. It had been a month since AJ's death. She had been back at work for about three weeks. They had told her to take all the time that she needed, that there was no rush for her to come back if she wasn't ready. But she had wanted to come back. She had needed to come back. If she didn't have work to occupy her, she would have sat alone in the house and probably lost her sanity.

She awoke that morning with a dull ache in her stomach. Ignoring it, she got out of bed and walked towards the shower. She adjusted the water, slipped out of her pajamas, and got in. She stood under the steaming hot water, her eyes closed. Then she glanced down. That was when she noticed the blood on her thighs.

She gasped and slowly slipped down in the shower as she realized what was happening to her.

When it was over, she laid in bed, her knees pressing against her chest. She glanced over and looked at the clock. It was late; she needed to call work and let them know she wouldn't be in today. She probably should have called her boss or reception, but Sarah's cell phone was the only number she could think of at the moment.

"Holly, where are you?"

"I'm not going to be in today."

"Is everything ok?"

"No. Nothing is ok," she said softly, sounding heartbroken, "I lost the baby."