AN: As I can't remember the exact dialogue from the game and am not playing it while writing just to get in right, I'll improvise. Meaning you (mostly) won't read the same lines from the game in in-game situations... keyword being "mostly".
Hawke wasn't one to present his feelings freely to anyone. He couldn't pinpoint the exact time when he'd begun to close himself off – because believe it or not, he used to be quite the loud, open child – but he guessed that it had been around the time when Bethany and Carver were old enough to understand the constant danger the whole family was in. He did it to give them an anchor, a source of reassurance and years later he took pride in the fact that he was all but unreadable even to his own mother.
And then... well, then there came Anders.
"Calm down," Anders suddenly said, breaking the silence. Hawke, who imitated a statue quite well in his absolute motionlessness, quirked an eyebrow at him.
"I'm calm."
Anders snorted. "Right. About as calm as Esanne right now, I imagine. Seriously, she's going to be fine."
"I know."
The openly disbelieving look he was given rankled Hawke because Anders was completely right and there should have been no indicators for his nervousness. He sent him a decidedly unimpressed look and sniffed at the innocuous smile he got in return.
For a few minutes, neither one of them spoke. Then Anders asked: "What are you so scared about anyway? She's strong enough if they sent for her already."
Hawke crossed his arms and leaned back against the cool stone wall, contemplating what to tell him. This was Anders, the one who had succeeded in getting his sister out safely, the only one who had acted completely normal when Hawke had gotten out of solitary. A friend, maybe even someone Hawke would like to trust.
"Demons are tricky business," he finally said quietly. "I know that Bethany would have had a hard time with the Harrowing because she's much too trusting. Esanne... she's just like her."
Anders didn't reply immediately. He guessed that the healer hadn't expected a serious answer – or any answer at all.
Hawke looked down the empty hallway and noted that even the templars were absent. He hadn't really paid attention while hastening to the entrance of the Templar Quarters to wait for news of Esanne. That lack of guards wasn't so unusual, though: When a Harrowing took place, the Knight-Commander often took plenty of his templars as a precaution.
"She'll make it," Anders finally said with such conviction Hawke couldn't help but want to believe him. When he got no answer, Anders sighed and copied Hawke's stance.
"Even I know that she's capable. She won't succumb."
Hawke felt his lips twitch at the grudging tone.
"Hark, hark," he replied dryly. "I guess this is the moment that the Maker returns to the Black City, yes?"
Anders made a face at him. "Oh shut up."
He chuckled quietly and his forced nonchalance turned more natural. They shared a few moments of comfortable silence. When he spoke again, it was of even more serious matters.
"Uldred and Wynne got sent to Ostagar today, did you hear?"
Anders nodded, straightening from his slouch. "Sure did. I guess that means that this Blight business is reality."
Hawke shrugged in a 'I guess' kind of way. "Greagoir's not happy about letting so many mages go down there, I know that much."
The blond grinned. "What a surprise."
Hawke didn't get the chance to snort in agreement. The door to the Templar Quarters swung open with a quiet creaking noise that made him spin around faster than he could think.
Esanne hadn't been brought up there that long ago and usually Harrowings took more time than this. So either she had exceeded his expectations or... his stomach turned.
It was like something heavy had been lifted off his shoulders when he saw a very pale, unconscious but breathing, living Esanne in the arms of one of the newer recruits (Cullen, his mind supplied helpfully).
Cullen nodded at the two waiting mages, looking slightly awkward and discomfited by the whole situation. Hawke wasn't surprised to find a certain amount of trepidation aimed at him: Many of the novice templars were wary around him because of his solitary confinement – or rather, the actions that got him the punishment. Though it had happened quite some time ago, no templar seemed likely to forget that anytime soon.
He let Cullen pass without a word and allowed himself to slump in relief for one short second before he pushed himself away from the wall.
"Anders," he murmured as the two of them also headed down the hallway. He felt Anders's expectant eyes upon him and breathed out in a sigh. "Thank you."
"Anytime, Hawke."
- DEAR TO ME –
Neria had undergone dramatic changes in personality and not in the good way. Where she had once only openly voiced her opinions on the fraternities, she now tried to convert everybody to the Libertarian party. Her manic passion was what made the younger apprentices scared of her, her uncompromising outbursts guaranteed her the wariness of all the older mages.
Hawke found that he grew tired of her company very quickly and when he decided upon taking up his research into the Fade once again, he preferred to do so alone.
Worse still, it was absolutely his fault. In private, Anders had told him in a quiet voice that Neria had taken the news of his imprisonment even worse than Esanne and her hate for the templars and the Tower as a whole had grown ever stronger since. Frankly, her behaviour verged on crazy.
Guilt was an emotion Hawke was very well acquainted with and it seemed that now he had another person to feel guilty about.
Maybe even worse than causing Neria's madness was the fact that he didn't regret a thing. As cold-hearted as it sounded, Bethany was more important to him than Neria or Esanne would ever be. Sometimes he even believed himself when he thought that.
Hawke looked up only briefly from his drafts when someone sat next to him in the library. Neria's hard hazel eyes met his. He mumbled a vague greeting that she didn't return.
As he contemplated which one of his ideas to jot down next, she spoke.
"I don't know how you can just do nothing." Neria's voice was full of disdain and yet pleading. "You know firsthand how cruel they can be and look at you! Sitting in here and playing the part of the uninvolved party marvellously!"
Hawke dipped the quill's tip into the ink and resumed his writing as though he hadn't heard her. Neria wasn't put off at all.
"With Uldred gone, we need even more support, Hawke, or the other fraternities won't heed us. You could be such an asset, your word is respected around here! And I know how much you love studying what's never been studied before, our Wards are proof of that. Just think about all the things the Chantry forbids us from studying because it is misunderstood. Take blood magic for example-"
The quill broke. Hawke looked up at her with a blank face and took in the madness that he had caused with a feeling of nausea in his gut.
"Neria," he said coolly, "Shut your mouth."
She glared at him, baring her teeth. "Am I threatening your ideas about this Tower? Maker knows you've never seemed to hate it as much as an apostate should. Got comfortable in your cage, Hawke?"
Sudden anger made his magic spike hazardously but he quelled the emotion as quickly as he could. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a templar start towards them, no doubt having felt the outburst.
"It'd be best if you left now, Neria," Hawke all but ordered, voice dangerously low. She sniffed but she disappeared without another word.
The templar made sure that she had really left, sent him a suspicious glare and then returned to his post. Hawke looked at his ruined quill and sighed. He had no spare with him so it seemed his studies had to wait a bit longer. Lunch would be soon anyway and he decided to go see if Esanne was awake yet.
- DEAR TO ME –
"Jowan, no. You know the rules, I'm not allowed to say anything."
Esanne's exasperated voice was what finally led Hawke to the Apprentice Quarters. It was kind of pathetic that he'd been living in the Tower for years now and still got lost sometimes. But he wouldn't tell anyone ever so no-one would be the wiser.
He stuck his head through the open door and scanned the hall.
"Come on, please? I just... well I want to know for when it's time for my Harrowing. If there will be a Harrowing for me."
Finding them wasn't difficult. There were few other apprentices in the sleeping quarters and it turned out that Esanne's bed was in the foremost part of the room. Hawke slowed his steps, however, when he heard Jowan's whining, perking up his ears considerably.
"What do you mean?" He could see Esanne's still slightly irritated but mostly confused face. She looked a lot healthier than before and lunch would probably bring back the rosiness of her cheeks.
Jowan looked around surreptitiously, succeeding only in making himself look suspicious.
"I'll tell you later, alright?" the apprentice had lowered his voice so that Hawke could barely make out his words but almost immediately, he returned to normal volume.
Deciding that the secret part was over, Hawke sped up his steps again.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Irving wanted to see you as soon as you awoke – best not keep him waiting!"
"He can wait a bit longer, I'm sure," Hawke interrupted smoothly, pulling Esanne into a tight hug and ignoring the fact that he just didn't do that. He wasn't the touching type. It still felt right and he would have done the exact same thing if she were Bethany.
If Esanne was surprised she didn't show it: Her arms went around him immediately and she returned the hug with a fierceness that made him want to smile.
Jowan cleared his throat, mumbled something incomprehensible and took his leave so fast it seemed like flight. Hawke watched him until he left the room.
"Guess I'm sitting at your table from now on," Esanne said with her face pressed into his shoulder. The statement was just so pure Esanne that Hawke didn't resist smiling any longer.
"Yup," he replied, arms tightening a fraction, "Welcome to the club." I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're okay. I was so worried.
He didn't voice any of it.
Esanne chuckled quietly, not protesting against his hold. I know. I'm alright. I'm still here.
She didn't voice any of it.
Hawke finally let go and made sure to wipe the smile off his face in the process. Esanne sighed and rubbed her face. "I really should go see the First Enchanter," she said in a tone that said it all about her enthusiasm to do exactly that. Hawke smirked.
"Probably. See you at lunch, mage?"
She smiled at him. "Save me a seat."