A/N: So our story got taken down because apparently our "Title/Summary not Fiction G rated and not suitable
for all audience." So, with a new summary and account name, enigma77 and bluejude, otherwise known as buzzcocks (formerly Aberinkula) now present to you, Dazed and Confused. We are not SM, otherwise we would be very rich, which we are very not. So enjoy!
(EPOV)
Oh God. What the fuck happened?
I swear I'm seeing fucking ducks flying around here. Why does my head hurt so fucking bad? I can't even remember. I'm attempting to look around, but my vision's so fucking blurry I can barely make out a thing. I hear someone open a door though.
"Oh you're awake!" It's a female voice. Must be a nurse or some shit. "I'm so happy I finally get to see those eyes!"
Yeah, too bad I can't see a fucking thing with them.
"I'm Tanya; I'll be your nurse for the day."
My vision seems to be clearing, and I can almost make out Tanya. Small waist, relatively tall – for a girl – and blondish hair. She's fucking hot. Not that I can make her out so well yet.
I can hear her rustling around the room, flipping papers and shit. What I really want to know is why the hell I'm in a hospital.
"How are you feeling, sweetie?" Tanya asks. And my head spins some more because she's standing over me now. And I don't think she's unconsciously shoving her breasts in my face.
"My head fucking hurts. What the hell am I doing here?"
So without even a word, she pulls the blanket around my legs away and stands back. So I cast my eyes downward and…Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Before I know it, I'm fucking screaming as many expletives as possible and Tanya's going freaking hysterical over me. I look over at her.
"I'M FUCKING LEGLESS! WHAT THE FUCK?"
"It's just half of one, Edward! You can still walk!"
"I'm fucking legless. Holy shit. I'm legless." My disbelief is apparent.
"You are not legless Edward. You still have one full leg and we only cut to your knee on the other." Tanya seems to have calmed down a bit. But I haven't.
"What the hell? Why am I fucking legless?" I ask her accusingly.
She sighs, and instead of attempting again, to explain to me why I wasn't technically legless, and just looks at me. "Honey, you were speeding on your motorcycle. Don't you remember?"
"Obviously not if I'm fucking asking you!"
"It must be your concussion."
Concussion? No wonder my head hurts. That would explain my fucked up vision, too. Although it's getting better by the second.
"When you wrecked on your motorcycle, you hit your head, and even with your
helmet -"
Yes I wear a helmet. I'm not a complete fucktard. "Okay, so that explains my headache, but why am I fucking legless?
"Sweetheart, the impact was so hard…. Your leg… it was severed in the crash. The surgeons tried to reattach it, but…." And she reaches down to grope my shoulder comfortingly as if I would automatically understand.
"Where the hell is it then?" What the fuck do they do with bodiless legs?
"Well, since they couldn't reattach it, I'm pretty sure it's being prepared for incineration."
As she says this, my vision is almost completely cleared. I notice something strange about Tanya then, but I tell myself, no fucking way. But as it gets clearer and clearer….
Oh hell no. Don't tell me. That is a fucking mustache. Tanya the nurse has fucking brown hairs across her upper lip. A mustache.
Alright, where the hell is Emmett? He just has to see this. Way too fucking good. I attempt to contain my laughter, but a snort escapes me. I try to make it sound like a cough.
Tanya gets up to leave, and I have no idea if she'd sensed my amusement and its reason. "Well, I'll just notify Dr. Cullen that you're awake."
When she's gone, I think of the mustache. Like holy shit, how does she have a mustache? Really. I mean you'd think she'd shave it. Or at least bleach it or something. What, is she proud of it or something? Does she think all the guys want a piece of that? What if she's the one with fucked up vision and she has no idea it's there? There are a million possibilities, but I sure as hell won't be asking her about it.
My musings about mustaches are interrupted when the doctor walks in. I stare him down and ask, "Are you the one who cut my fucking leg off?"
The doctor replies, "No one cut your leg off, Edward. It was just an accident."
"I don't give a shit if it was an accident. My leg's gone!"
Ignoring what I said, the doctor says, "I'm Dr. Cullen. I'm sure you would like to know what's going to happen after you get out of here. We can't get you a prosthetic leg right away so you're going to be using crutches for a while."
"Well, when am I getting out of this shithole?"
"You can't go home today, if that's what you're thinking, Edward," says Dr. Cullen. "You'll have to stay here until we feel that your leg is fully healed and doesn't need the bandages any longer. We also have to monitor your concussion and make sure you're comfortable on the crutches."
"Great," I mutter sarcastically. "This is just the place I'd want to be."
Dr. Cullen isn't put off by my tone. "Now, Edward, I know this isn't the most ideal situation you've found yourself in but you cannot continue to have this kind of attitude. I heard that you were yelling at Tanya—"
"The chick has a mustache," I blurt out.
Now, the doctor looks stunned. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, come on. You can't tell me you didn't notice that."
Dr. Cullen blinks. "You…you didn't tell her that, did you? That she has a mustache?"
"No," I scoff. "I'm not that fucking rude. But seriously, you've seen that shit, right? Please tell me you know that it's there."
The doctor doesn't answer me. Instead, he says, "Um, Edward, I believe your brother is in the waiting room. I'm sure he would like to see that you are all right and you'd like to see a familiar face. I'll…I'll have one of the nurses send him in here."
"Make sure it's Tanya," I tell him. "Wait, no, don't. I have a surprise for him."
Dr. Cullen leaves and while I'm waiting for Emmett, the only thing I'm thinking about is that damn mustache.
Why, why, why would a woman not shave a mustache? No guy would ever wanna go near her with something like that. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I decide not to ever allow myself to indulge in facial hair. After all, if become nauseous thinking of kissing a fucking hairy lip, why would a girl want to kiss me? I never want to inflict that feeling onto a girl. Especially one I'd like to kiss.
A few minutes into my thinking, Emmet walks in. The prick has a fucking bouquet of flowers in his hand! And… wait what? A fucking balloon? Are you kidding me?
He smiles at me and winks. All I can think to do as he walks to the sink in the restroom with an empty vase, is give him the nastiest death glare the fucker has ever gotten.
"Here you go Eddie," he says as he puts the vase on my bedside table. He tries to hand the balloon to me. No way am I touching that shit. So finally he gives up and just leaves it go to the ceiling.
"My name isn't fucking Eddie," I growl.
Emmett decides it'd be a great idea to sit on the edge of the bed, bouncing on it like it's a fucking trampoline. What the hell is wrong with him? "Oh, come on. I brought you flowers and even thought to give you a balloon. I figured since you don't have a girlfriend and all, I could at least do that for you. But I refuse to kiss you and do the lovey dovey shit. Sorry."
"Fucking idiot," I say shaking my head. And then an idea hits…. "By the way, I thought you'd be interested in knowing that I've probably got the hottest nurse in this fucking hospital."
This immediately piques his interest. And I snort considering he's got a girlfriend. "What does she look like? Is she going to come in here soon?"
I smirk. "She looks kinda like Rosalie, now that I think of it. You know. Blonde hair, blue eyes, all that shit." Of course I leave out the fact that a squirrel currently resides on her upper lip. "Look, just go out in the hall, I'm sure she's probably wheeling a cart out there or something."
"Edward, do you know how many blonde nurses are in this place?" He acts like I'm stupid.
"Trust me Emmett. You'll know. When you see her, you'll know."
"Sounds like you're in love or some shit. I mean, she's only a fucking nurse."
Ha. Haha. Yeah, I'm in love with the nurse with the fur on her upper lip. I laugh out loud at this. "Just go and look Emmett."
He's skeptical, but he steps outside the door anyway. He waits there for about thirty seconds and the impatient idiot turns around and glares at me. "There's no one fucking out here, Edward."
I roll my eyes at this. But just as he turns around, Tanya brushes past him into the room. Emmett watches her as she walks by, and his face turns from indifference to fucking mortification. He's seen the mustache.
"Edward, hello. I'm just here to check your concussion and leg." Her smile makes me think she doesn't know the reason for our laughter. Emmett is behind her, clutching his stomach, attempting to keep quiet. I personally think he sounds like an elephant.
Of course, once she's done prodding my head, nurse Tanya finds this weird and turns around to appraise Emmett. This makes him laugh even harder since again, he's looking at her 'stache. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he says through his giggles. "Edward was just telling me a joke. That's all."
"Okay," she says slowly and turns around. "I'll just check that leg and you guys can get back to whatever you were doing before."
"Wait, Ed, what's wrong with your leg? I thought you just had a concussion." Emmett's laughter finally stops and he looks at me questioningly. "Did you break it or something?"
Tanya, who was just about to rip the covers off of my body, pauses and looks at me. "He doesn't know?" She shrugs, deciding she doesn't care, and proceeds to yank the covers down.
Emmett just stares for a minute, his mouth agape. Then he slowly walks over. "WHAT THE FUCK? Where's his fucking leg!" He's freaking out; it's about to the equivalent of my reaction earlier.
"Emmett, calm the fuck down. My leg got cut off in the accident. They couldn't save it. Holy shit, CALM DOWN."
I can tell he heard nothing of what I said. He's still flipping out, practically sprinting around the room. He's going to give himself a fucking stroke or something. At least we're in a hospital.
"What the fuck? How could you not tell me your leg is fucking gone? You're going to freaking die and you didn't even fucking tell me? Are you even alive right now? Am I fucking hallucinating? What the hell is going on?"
Tanya turns around again, a horrified look on her face. When he sees her he begins an entirely new rant. He points at her mustache. "Is that even real? What the fuck is going on? Am I seeing that too?"
Tanya, of course, has no clue what he is talking about. "Shut the hell up," I tell him, glaring in his direction.
Emmett turns his attention back to me as Tanya quietly –and quite puzzled—leaves the room. Once she's gone, Emmett runs over to me and starts touching me. "Are you real, Edward? Are you real?"
I just stare at him. "Emmett, are you high or something? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Edward," he says. "You don't have a fucking leg."
"No shit, Sherlock."
Before Emmett can say anything else, Dr. Cullen walks in. "What is going on in here? Tanya just came and got me. She said one of you was going crazy. What is the problem?"
Looking at the doctor, Emmett says, "Would you mind telling me why the fuck my brother does not have a leg?"
"Well, idiot, while you were freaking out, I was trying to explain what happened but apparently, you didn't hear," I tell him.
Dr. Cullen just stands there, watching our exchange, seemingly dumbfounded. Judging from his expression, he probably thinks Emmett and I are out of our fucking minds.
Emmett just gives me a look. "I wasn't asking you. I believe I was talking to the doctor." He looks at Dr. Cullen again. "So…where the fuck is his leg?"
Sighing, Dr. Cullen answers him. "Your brother's leg was unable to be reattached following his motorcycle accident. I'm sure you were aware of the fact that he was in an accident, right?"
"Of course I was," Emmett says. "That's why I got him flowers."
Dr. Cullen looks from Emmett to me and then back again, obviously confused by the situation. To me, he says, "Edward, are you feeling okay? All this commotion isn't good for you concussion."
"Yeah, I'm fine," I say. "I'm used to Emmett's shit."
"Okay," the doctor says, nodding. "I'll be back in a minute so I can get your crutches." With that, he walks out of the room.
"So," I begin, trying to make small talk with Emmett. "That Tanya's pretty hot, right?"
"Edward…you don't have a leg."
"Shut the fuck up about my leg."
"Fine," Emmett says. He thinks about what he should say. "I wonder how long Tanya's had that mustache. I bet every guy gets jealous 'cause they can't grow one like that. I know I am."
"Yeah, remember that girl we went to school with? She had a mustache by the time she was thirteen."
Realization dawns on Emmett's face. "Oh, yeah…What was her name? Lauren Mallory. I wonder what she's up to now."
Dr. Cullen returns to the room so I can't say anything back. He's holding crutches in his hands. "Well, Edward," he says. "You ready to try these out?"
"If I say yes, does that mean I can leave?" I ask.
The doctor smiles a little bit and says, "No, but it will make things easier for you once you do get out."
"What if he doesn't use them?" Emmett says. "Does that mean I'll have to hold his hand everywhere we go? Just because I bought him a bouquet doesn't mean I want people thinking we're together."
"Emmett," I say. "Just shut your fucking mouth for once."
Dr. Cullen just shakes his head. After that, he helps me up and tries showing me how to use the crutches. It takes some time but after a little while, I'm getting the hang of it.
And Emmett, the fucking prick, just thinks the whole thing is hilarious. "I see London, I see France, I see Edward's asshole!"
"Emmett, shut the fuck up!" I look to Dr. Cullen, "Can't I put on some clothes?"
"Sorry Edward, hospital policy. Patients must wear a gown." He doesn't seem sorry at all though. In fact, he seems fucking amused by Emmett's antics.
Once he sees that I know what I'm doing, Dr. Cullen leaves the room, forcing me to be alone with my brother once again.
"Hey, uh, Emmett, I think it'd be a good idea if you leave," I tell him.
"But why?" he whines.
"I'm going to take a shower; do you really wanna stay for that?"
"Yes."
"Emmett, get the fuck out of here."
After some whining, I finally get Emmett to leave. I'm finally able to be alone.
I grab the crutches and maneuver my way into the bathroom. I'm thankful this place is decent enough to have soap, shampoo, and towel at the ready. I take off the fuck awful hospital gown and turn on the water.
I had asked Dr. Cullen about showering with my… stub thing – since it's not technically a leg anymore – and he said that the bandages and the black sleeve covering should be fine, they'd just have to be changed afterward.
The warm water feels great, and even though I still feel pretty fucking dizzy from that concussion, I love it. But, as much as I love it, I'm still not used to balancing, even with my crutches. So once I step foot in the wet tub, my leg goes flying out from underneath me and I come crashing down. China's probably freaking out over the fucking earthquake over there now.
Holy shit did that hurt. And the worst fucking part? I can't stand back up. I hear the door open and wonder who the fuck could be bothering me now. At worst, it's Emmett. At second to worst, it's tree beard Tanya. Whoever it is, I'd like them to get the fuck out of here.
I hear a soft knock at the door, "Sir, are you alright? Sir?"
I don't answer and instead try to claw my way up to a standing position, but then the door opens. And I see the widest brown eyes of my life.
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