[2]

It's barely been a week since you told Julia that you're in love with Lexie, and when she said that she knew and that it was okay, you really thought it'd be okay. She'd gotten out of bed to get something that would make it easier for you to sleep the last few hours before you had to get up for work again, and when you'd finished your glass of water, she'd smiled and kissed you on the cheek and fallen asleep.

You really thought it'd be okay. You really, really thought it'd be okay.

But it wasn't okay. And it didn't become okay, and now after the past seven days of still missing Lexie and your heart still hurting, you're beginning to think that it won't be okay.

That's the thing, though, you though it would be fine, that everything would eventually return to normal, and the realization that it just might not ever be alright ever again is like your whole world shattering again. Nothing helps. Not Derek, not Meredith, not Arizona or Callie, and even Sofia can't fix all the pain that you're feeling. You're glad these people are here in your life, but it doesn't change the fact that the one person you really want to be here just isn't. And you know, Julia isn't helping either, not anymore, and all of a sudden you're not sure if she ever really helped in the first place.

This is what you keep thinking about as you sit in surgery with Jackson and watch him sew a perfect row of stitches onto someone's face, and know that it won't even leave a scar because you taught him that well. And you think of Lexie, and how her stitches were flawless, sometimes even better than yours, and you just want Jackson to hurry up, even if it means the patient is left with a few days longer of recovery time, if it means you can get out of the OR and have a proper chance to cry.

It's just not fair.

And you have to tell Julia.

Because you owe it to Lexie.

You can't make sense of how Julia and Lexie are connected at all, how you need to tell Julia this is never going to work because of Lexie. You need to tell Julia that you need to break up with her for Lexie, even though Lexie isn't here anymore. Julia has been understanding. Julia has tried to give you everything. But bottom line is, she hasn't given you everything, and now as Jackson finishes up that last stitch, you know she never will. What's even crazier to try and wrap your mind around is that Julia can never give you everything because Lexie has already given you the world and even more. You were lucky to be loved by her, the gorgeous and funny brunette with photographic memory and a heart of gold, and that's all you know.

She would want you to be happy, because that's just the type of person she is. She held in the fact that she loved you for God knew how long, because she was the kind of person who just couldn't forgive herself if she came between the man she loved and the woman he seemed to love. She was so good, Lexie Grey. Half the time you didn't even feel like you deserved her.

So maybe that's why you moved in with Julia in the first place, because you couldn't forgive yourself for not telling Lexie sooner how much you loved her. You knew what kind of person she was, how hard it would be for her to tell you "I love you". You should've made the first move. But you were the coward and now you don't have the person you love the most, because she's gone.

But gone for good. As in Lexie's dead, and so in a way, so are you.

You know she would want you to forgive yourself, to stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't even your fault, but you try to tell her all the way up in heaven somewhere, that it's not that easy. Breaking up with Julia is a step, but you lack the self-confidence that you used to have. Missing Lexie is exhausting and it drains the energy out of your every action and honestly, honestly you just want her back, and that is what you want to tell Julia and yet again, you don't know if you can.

You scrub out of surgery.

You pace the halls for a good five minutes, ignoring the curious glances from nurses and residents and interns and attendings alike, and then you get in the elevator, ride down to the lobby, cross the parking lot, and you get into your car. And you go to Seattle Presbyterian and you tell the receptionist to page Dr. Julia Canner.

And when she comes down, she's tying her scrub cap onto her head, but she stops halfway because she's immediately worried, seeing you here when you're supposed to be eating lunch with Derek and Meredith at Seattle Grace Mercy West. She knows your schedule, you know that's supposed to make her a good girlfriend.

But maybe what makes her a good girlfriend is to see and know when to let you go.

"Mark," is all she says, and you can't help but think she knows what's coming, because she's a smart girl. All of a sudden you don't want to break up with her here, but you know that you can't draw it out any longer. There is no way this can go on without it eating you up on the inside.

"I wish it wasn't like this."

"Me, too." Julia's voice is quiet, and she's only maybe a foot or so away from you, but you have to strain to hear her voice. "I don't understand, what's going on?" You swear the volume of her voice has dropped even lower, although you don't even know if that's possible.

You know she knows. She knows you're going to break up with her, just like she knew you were still in love with Lexie, just like Lexie knew you were still in love with her and that you just didn't know how to say it and that was why she forgave you anyway for being too late.

It's starting to make sense now, standing in front of Julia trying to find the words to say.

You've never been super good with words; they don't flow well for you, not in situations like these. But you're done with not knowing, because not knowing caused Lexie to run out of time and not knowing has made you stay with Julia even though you know now that it wasn't the right thing to do.

"I shouldn't have moved in with you, Jules. I- I shouldn't have moved into your apartment and acted like I was committed and invested because I'm not, at least not anymore. I thought I was, you have to know that I really thought you could give me everything I've ever wanted. But Julia," you take her hand, give it a gentle squeeze, then let go. "You can't give me everything I want. Not anymore. Nobody can."

You want her to understand. And after a few of the most awkward seconds of your life, she nods. "I get it, Mark. I'm not her."

"I'm really sorry."

She nods again, and you can see her fighting back tears, and she pulls her scrub cap off her head and grips it in her closed fist and then she just turns and walks away. You can't help but think how sad all of this is, but for the first time in a long time, you've never felt so free.