Author's Note: This story came to me while I was listening to "Do You Believe Me Now" by Jimmy Wayne. The song lyrics are not mine. Either is Harry Potter and its many wonderful characters (obviously). Enjoy!
"Do you remember the day I turned to you,
and said I didn't like the way he was looking at you?"
Severus Snape knew that he wasn't exactly Witch Weekly's "Wizard Hottie of the Month" material. Puberty wasn't kind to him the way it was to say, Sirius Black. At fourteen-years-old, Severus still had the stringy, greasy hair and deathly pale skin of his childhood, mercilessly combined with the acne and the awkward-limbed grace of the early teen years. He knew that his name was not surrounded by hearts in any of the doodles covering the notebooks of his female peers. He had come to terms with his appearance, and decided a long time ago that it was more important to be intelligent. How else would he one-up the shallow, arrogant, and idiotic bullies who roamed the hallways of Hogwarts?
James Potter was probably the most shallow, arrogant, and idiotic bully of them all. Severus glared at his peer, who was currently located at the Gryffindor table across the room, surrounded by his three best friends. They were laughing and carrying on so loudly, Severus was surprised that Professor McGonagall hadn't yet intervened. Potter and his friends always got away with murder. If any of the Slytherins had been making such a ruckus, it would be detention for sure. Severus tore his gaze away from the band of idiots, and sullenly stabbed at his food. What did people see in that arrogant git and his loyal band of followers, anyway?
Severus glanced up as Mulciber and Avery, two of his fellow Slytherins, gathered up their stuff and left the table. He nodded to both of them in passing. They weren't exactly friends of his, but he knew that they respected his intelligence and his elementary knowledge of the Dark Arts. Considering all the people at Hogwarts who hated him, respect was certainly better than nothing. He sighed, gulped down the rest of his pumpkin juice, and stood up too. Instead of following his classmates to the Slytherin dungeons, however, Severus casually strolled over to the Gryffindor table, craning his neck for a glint of red hair. There.
He paused cautiously behind her, feeling Mary MacDonald's curious eyes burning into him as he hesitantly tapped his best friend on the shoulder. Lily Evans turned around with a momentary nasty glint in her eye, before her expression softened.
"Oh, hey, Sev," she said with a smile, "Sorry about that. For a second there I thought you were Potter. He's been annoying me all week." Severus chanced a glance over to Potter and his friends, and noticed that James Potter was watching him and Lily with an angry look on his face. He rolled his eyes and turned back to Lily.
"What a creep," Severus muttered, "I don't like the way he's looking at you." Lily shrugged.
"He's an arrogant idiot, but he's harmless," she countered. She stood up, grabbing her bag and stuffing the last bit of dessert into her mouth.
"You ready to study?" she asked him. He nodded, and they made their way out of the Great Hall.
"See you later, Mary!" Lily called over her shoulder. Mary waved and continued with her conversation with the girl sitting next to her, Megan or Martha or Marlene or something like that. Severus couldn't remember, and he really didn't care.
As they strolled to the library, Lily chatting on about how much she enjoyed today's Potions lesson, Severus couldn't help but stare at her. If he was ugly, she was, well, beautiful. Maybe he was a little biased; he had been in love with her since they were little kids. Maybe most guys preferred blondes over red heads and blue eyes over green, but Severus wasn't one of those guys. She could have green hair and red eyes for all he cared. She was his best friend, his savior, and the love of his life. She was the reason he worked so hard in his classes and the only person who could make him feel better when the other kids picked on him.
He knew he had absolutely no chance with her, but it made him feel better to think that either did James bloody Potter. Potter was well-liked, but not by Lily. He wasn't intelligent enough for the nerdy redhead, and he wasn't exactly good-looking either. His glasses were nerdy, his hair was always a mess, and he was incredibly scrawny, for someone who excelled at Quidditch. Since Severus wasn't well-liked or attractive, at least he knew that his rival didn't stand a chance Lily Evans either. And right now, that was all that mattered.
"Oi! Evans!" an obnoxious voice rang out through the hallway, snapping Severus out of his daydreams about the beautiful witch beside him. They both turned around. Severus took in the way Lily placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at the group of boys, and relaxed. It was obvious that she disliked them almost as much as he did. Almost.
"What, Black?" she snapped. Black was standing with his hands in his pockets, smirking at the pair of them like they were standing in his hallway. What a prat. Pettigrew was next to him, looking back and forth from Severus to Black in obvious amusement. Lupin was standing behind them, obviously trying to remain out of the quarrel. What a coward. It was Potter, however, who interested Severus the most. He was staring at Lily in the same way that Severus had been looking at her moments prior, almost as if… no. It was almost as if Potter fancied Lily. His Lily!
"I didn't realize you were into charity work," Black called out with a haughty grin, "Going to the library to tutor Snivellus in the fine arts of bathing?" Severus noticed Potter tear his eyes away from Lily and pull out his wand. He instantly began to do the same, but Lily grabbed his arm and dragged him away before he had the chance.
"Come on, Sev," she muttered angrily, "They're not worth it." He hesitated for a moment, as dozens of different possible curses and hexes came to mind. He knew fighting would disappoint her though, so he sighed and made a mental note to hex them when Lily wasn't present. They turned back around and continued to the library, as peals of laughter echoed off the stone halls behind them. He gritted his teeth and refused to take the bait.
"Did you see the way Potter was looking at you?" he asked tentatively.
"What do you mean?" she asked. "He's always obnoxiously staring at me."
"It was almost as if…" he trailed off, "Well, I don't know. I just didn't like it, that's all." She rolled her eyes.
"You think too much. He was probably trying to figure out how to get me to leave, so that they could hex you again. Come on, we have a whole roll of parchment due for History of Magic this week and those questions for Transfiguration and Charms aren't going to write themselves." Severus followed her into the library and sat down next to her at their usual table. Maybe she was right.
But as hard as he tried, for the next few weeks Severus couldn't completely shake the feeling of jealousy he got every time Potter looked at Lily. He didn't like it.
"Yeah, how he made you laugh.
You just couldn't get what I was saying.
It was my imagination."
It had started as completely innocent tutoring lessons. Avery and Mulciber approached him at the beginning of their fifth year, suggesting a study group in their cold, we-don't-need-you-but we-sure-as-hell-wouldn't-mind-having-you-around kind of way. Since it was O.W.L.s year, and Severus knew that he would need all the extra revision he could get, he accepted. Plus it wouldn't hurt to have some people to hang around with whenever Lily was busy with her other friends, even if Avery and Mulciber were only using him for his brains.
As the fall dragged on and slowly turned into winter, Severus realized that he was spending more time with his fellow Slytherins than with Lily. It wasn't like he didn't want to see her though. It was only because she was so busy with her prefect duties, her girlfriends, Slug-Club meetings, and the never-ending homework that accompanied all of the fifth year students. All of the fifth years walked around looking exhausted most of the time, dragging their feet between classes, meals and the library. Severus noticed that even Remus Lupin was starting to bend under pressure and looked more exhausted than usual, especially around the full moon. Hmm.
He took the time to read up on werewolves in his Defense against the Dark Arts textbook and began asking Potter's gang probing questions every time they tried to hex him in the corridors. Severus knew he had hit a low point when he let his curiosity get the better of him, and followed the directions Black had given. He had allowed himself to be goaded and bullied into action by Sirius Black. It was almost too much to bear. At least it proved that his assumptions were correct: Lupin was, in fact, a werewolf, and Black and Potter were more idiotic than he ever thought possible. It also gave Severus great satisfaction to see Potter and his gang at odds because of him, even if their anger at each other only lasted for a few weeks. At least there were a few weeks of prank-free peace for all the Slytherins to enjoy.
Yet even after all of that drama, Lily was still too busy to find any time to sit and chat with him. Severus had hoped that some of the gossip surrounding the Whomping Willow prank might have reached her ears, and that she would come straight to him, begging for every last detail. But by the time the first snowfall transformed the castle hallways into a drafty icebox, Severus realized that Lily had been ignoring him. Every time he offered to study together, to spend their breaks together, or even to take long walks around the grounds (which was always her favorite way to relax), Lily always had a hasty excuse.
Severus decided to confront his best friend sometime in mid-January, with the intention of fixing whatever rift he had unintentionally caused. He finally found her during one of their shared afternoon breaks, sitting with some friends in an unused classroom that many students used for studying. At his wordless question, Lily sighed, gathered her things, and followed him out of the room and into the castle courtyard.
They argued about how often she had been avoiding him lately, his supposedly evil new friends, and Potter's role in the Whomping Willow incident. He couldn't remember exactly what was said. All Severus could remember was the reassuring way that she had told him that she considered Potter to be an arrogant toerag. He still knew that Potter fancied her, but he tried to trust in her assertions that she would never date an idiot like that, and that he was crazy to think such a thing.
But then, nothing changed. Severus spent more and more time with Avery and Mulciber, eventually sharing his now extensive knowledge of the Dark Arts with them, in exchange for their protection from bullies in the hallway. He winced every time they referred to Muggleborns as "Mudbloods," but tried to tell himself that she was different. Lily had always been different, hadn't she? If they only got to know her, they probably wouldn't dare to refer to her in that way. The year passed by without him ever seeing much of Lily, and he spent most of his time studying and preparing himself for life after Hogwarts. His friends were completely certain that they would join the Death Eaters as soon as they were of age, but Severus always avoided speaking up during such conversations. He knew Lily wouldn't approve.
And then came that fateful day after his Defense against the Dark Arts examination. He didn't mean to say it. The combination of Potter asking her out, being bullied again, Lily rushing to his defense like that when she couldn't even spare a second to talk to him anymore, humiliation, and the influence of his Slytherin friends… it all just boiled over into one, horrible word that he had sworn he would never call her. Mudblood. With two bloody syllables, a lifelong friendship was permanently severed.
Oh, he begged. He pleaded. He waited outside the Gryffindor common room and even begged her friend Mary MacDonald to help him. When Lily finally came outside to speak with him, she told him that he had chosen his path: that of a Death Eater. And he knew that she had chosen hers. She had chosen hers from the moment a slight smile graced her lips, as Potter humiliated Severus in front of the entire school.
For the slightest millisecond, Lily had smiled at Potter, and almost laughed at his bullying antics. It couldn't have just been his imagination.
"So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy,
And I knew what I was talking 'bout"
The gossip had probably started among the Gryffindors, but it had slowly trickled its way down the Hogwarts' grapevine. Severus was annotating his cherished Potions textbook when he heard the horrible news whispered between two Ravenclaws from his Advanced Potions class.
"Did you hear?" the scrawny-looking blonde whispered to her dark-haired friend, "The Head Boy and Head Girl are dating!" Severus glanced up in surprise from the notes he was making in the margins of his textbook. He must have heard wrong.
"No way! I thought Lily hated him!" her friend whispered back. Severus turned his attention to the front of the room, where Lily was sitting between Remus Lupin and Mary MacDonald, frowning in concentration as she stirred her potion several times clockwise. Nothing about her seemed anything different, and he would know. Severus had been watching Lily's every move since they were children.
Potter would probably have a triumphant smirk all over his arrogant face if the gossip was true. But he wasn't in the N.E.W.T. level Potions class, having opted out of any classes that weren't completely necessary. Potter was only taking all the classes he would need to better himself for fighting in the resistance against the Death Eaters. Severus made it a point to keep tabs on his classmates, so that he could report back certain information to the Dark Lord. He liked to give as much negative information as possible about Potter and his gang, but he wasn't obsessive with his revenge. No, Lily had always been the most important thing in his life. Lily.
"I heard that she finally came around, after getting to know him a little better this year," the blonde replied, "I mean, they do have to work together a lot because of their Head duties." The two girls lowered their voices as Slughorn walked closer, inspecting his students' progress, and Severus could no longer hear what they were saying.
It couldn't be true, could it? Lily couldn't possibly be dating James Potter: his arch-enemy, the biggest prankster and bully in school, and one of the Purebloods who was currently on the Dark Lord's capture-but-do-not-kill list. No, he thought, shaking his head. They must have gotten the story all wrong. Steeling himself with the thought of their obvious mistake, Severus completed his potion with his usual perfect results. Slughorn nodded his approval when Severus carried a sample flask up to the Professor's desk, and Severus packed up his things a lot more hastily than usual.
He kept his distance behind the trio of Gryffindors, knowing that if she saw him in her close proximity, it would be sure to put Lily in a bad mood. He cared about her feelings, even if she didn't give a damn about his anymore. Severus sighed. He had to be patient. Once he was a full-fledged Death Eater, he would be able to provide the protection she needed. Then she would realize how much she needed him again.
He watched her talking animatedly with Mary and Lupin, the way she used to talk to him. It pained him to be this close to her, almost able to hear her conversation, but still not able to say a single word. Lily.
Once they reached the Great Hall, they turned towards the Gryffindor table. He quickly sat down with the rest of the Slytherins, nodding in greeting to Avery, who was already halfway done with his soup. Severus started to reach for his own food, craning his neck towards the Gryffindors in order to keep her in his line of sight. There she was.
She was sitting next to Mary on one side, with Lupin sitting across from them, presumably still carrying on the same conversation. Severus' heart sank when he realized that Potter was sitting on her other side, and Black and Pettigrew were sitting next to Lupin. It sank even lower when Potter wrapped his brutish, monstrous, bullying arm around the love of his life, and Lily looked up at him, smiling and blushing. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and they went back to chatting with the rest of their friends, the blush still visible on her usually pale face.
Severus blinked in shock. It wasn't just irrational jealousy: he was right to think that she could one day fall for that idiotic charm. Potter had Lily. And now… now she would never be his.
"Every time the sun goes down,
He's the one that's holding you baby.
Yeah, me I'm missing you way across town."
When had his life become so empty? Severus was only twenty-one years old, and he had already killed, tortured, and maimed innocent human beings, not to mention other unmentionable tasks he had performed while in the service of the Dark Lord.
She was the only thing keeping him going; he dreamed about her every night. He missed her more than he ever thought possible. He knew it was hopeless; she had already been married to Potter for two years, and they had a son together. Lily Potter. Just the thought disgusted him. He remembered her words like it was yesterday:
"You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." Was it too late to turn back from their separate paths? Would they ever speak again? Everything he did, he did in order to gain a higher status among the Death Eaters. He wanted the Dark Lord to trust him above all the others. He had to gain that trust so that the Dark Lord would listen to him, and spare Lily from his desired fate for all the other Mudbloods... err, Muggleborns and Muggles in the world. He had to.
He set out towards Hogsmeade, on the Dark Lord's bidding. He had asked Severus to spy on a meeting between Dumbledore and a candidate for a teaching position at Hogwarts. The future professor wasn't necessarily a threat to the regime, but Dumbledore certainly was.
"Do you believe me now, Lily?" he thought to himself, bitterly. "You're with Potter, and I'm all alone, with nothing but the memory of a friendship to live for. Do you believe me now?" Maybe he had always known deep down that she would end up with Potter but it still hurt. Even now.
He sighed, cast a powerful Disillusionment charm, and crept into the pub. Maybe someday she would understand. Someday.
"So do you believe me now?"