~~~~Chapter 5: Grief~~~~

I'm doing this one a little differently because I'm a psych nerd and wanted to incorporate that into my story. The next few chapters will be deeply personal for me and rooted in a few experiences I have gone through myself. If you like the story please review, I am going to slow down with the chapters because I'm not really getting much feedback.

-Denial-

Emmett's POV:

I went hunting with Esme and Carlisle today. Got a few mountain lions in honor of my little brother.

When I got home I sat in Carlisle's study and stared at Rosalie's ashes. I read a few books. It was like she never really left. I got inspired and walked down to the garage and started working on her car. I replaced the oil, did some tune up work. I drove to a local car wash and made sure that they cleaned it up nicely. I bought the most expensive wash that money could buy. Always the best for my Rose.

I know that it would make her feel happy if she knew that her car was being taken care of. Maybe she was looking down on me, smiling, resting more peacefully knowing that I was taking care of things for her.

That night I went hunting again, not out of necessity but for sport. I was hunting grizzlies. An homage to my Rose, she saved me from a painful death. I always thought of her as a beautiful blonde angel that saved my life, even though Carlisle was the one that turned me. He appeared in the doorway of his office.

"I will leave if you need to use your office" I offered.

"No, please, I know that this is where you are most comfortable because she is here. If you ever need to talk son, I am and here so is Esme and Jasper and Alice. We are all grieving" he consoled.

"Thanks Carlisle, but I'm fine. I feel fine."

Bella's POV:

I sat in our room in the Cullen house looking outside the balcony door.

My memory played a fuzzy video of my frail human self clinging onto Edwards back for dear life while he jumped out of his house and from tree to tree, hopping around the forest like a grasshopper with his human pet in tow. I heard Alice walk up the stairs and knock on his door gently.

"Bella, if you ever need anything we are all here for you. We are all grieving the loss of our brother and sister. " she tried to console me, but I didn't acknowledge her.

She slowly closed the door. I wasn't trying to be rude, I just needed to be alone in his room with my thoughts and myself. This isn't happening. Not to me. This is just some wild dream and when I wake up, I will be human, at Charlie's house and Edward will be there watching me sleep.

-Anger—

Emmett's POV:

Months went by. I think that grizzlies were going to start becoming extinct in the Pacific Northwest. They were all that I would eat. Their blood tasted very gamey to me. It wasn't pleasant. I once had lamb as a child on Easter with my human family. I hated it and spit it out right away. My mother scolded me for being so rude to our guests. That's what feeding from a bear tasted like. But I hunted, furiously. Daily. I didn't need to but I just did. I turned my brain off and let my vampire instincts take over.

I was merciless. I didn't harm the bears. I would always kill them quickly, made sure they felt no pain, showing them the mercy that my Rose showed me when she saved me and brought me to Carlisle to be turned. But I killed, in large numbers. By the end of the week I was averaging about five bears a day. I know I knocked at least a few trees down when I was hunting too, whatever was in my way. I was angry, no I wasn't angry I was livid and I had no one else to take it out on, no other release so I did what came naturally, instinctually to vampires, I killed.

Bella's POV:

Four months had passed, and I still hadn't moved from the same spot in Edward's bedroom. I didn't want to go to our cottage, the memories would hurt me too much. I stood up and turned to face his bookshelf. I heard Esme downstairs take a deep breath in. I traced my fingers along the delicate wooden lines of the shelves. So fragile, so easily broken. Kind of reminded me of myself as a human. I traced the outline of the spine of a book and suddenly I pushed every book on the shelf off into the floor. They knocked each other over like dominoes. It felt so good to let my anger out.

Esme came running up the stairs.

"Bella, are you alright?" She said as she assessed the situation.

My body started heaving, if I could cry I would have been crying, but as a vampire, I couldn't cry. Esme walked over to me and pulled me into an embrace. She was so much like a mother to me. If she could have cried, she would have been crying too. If a human walked passed us they would have thought that she was simply fighting back tears.

"WHY ME?" I sobbed, shudders wracking my body. Esme just held me.

"WHY DID THEY HAVE TO TAKE AWAY MY SOUL MATE? IT'S NOT FAIR!" I screamed.

"Bella, it's not just you. You are not alone in your grief. I have lost a son and a daughter, Carlisle has lost two of his children, and Alice and Jasper lost two of their siblings. We are all in pain, we are all wondering why this happened to us, you are not alone!" Esme tried to console me, but it wasn't helping very much.

"How can this happen to me?" I whimpered lower, still shaking.

-Bargaining-

Suddenly, I had an idea. I looked up at Esme.

"I know, I will give myself so they can bring Edward back!"

She looked at me puzzled.

"I will offer myself to them, like he offered himself for Nessie. They are only out for blood it will satiate them."

"Bella, you don't understand." Esme started explaining "There is no way of bringing Edward back. He has met his true death. He is-" She couldn't finish her sentence, she started sobbing at the realization of the words that she had just spoken.

Emmett's POV:

I stood in Carlisle's office. How long had I been here? Weeks, months? I didn't care. Everyday I heard everyone else go out to work, or go hunt as if nothing happened. How could they have just moved on so quickly? I knew I wasn't going to be that way. I would hold onto Rose, to keep her alive. I looked at the urn that held her ashes. It sparkled in the light. A silver urn with delicately traced roses and scrolls. Elegant. Beautiful. Just like Rose.

" I will give anything Rose. I would have given the Volturi anything. All of the money, all of the cars, the houses, the clothes, anything that they wanted to stop them from killing you. To have one more day. To be able to hold you in my arms. To see your beautiful smile looking up at me. To be able to run my fingers through your beautiful golden hair one more time."

-Depression-

I turned around and looked at the clock on the wall, it was already 22:00. I decided to go hunting again. I ran out of the house and jumped off of the front stairs. I sprinted into the woods, jumping over branches, logs, whatever was in my way. I wasn't hunting with as much anger as I did previously but I knew that if I hunted I would be able to shut my mind off and forget about what happened. I ran to Mount Rainier and started hiking up the mountain. Well, it was more like sprinting up the mountain. I caught the scent of a grizzlie about half way up. I jumped onto a tree and sprang from tree to tree until I could see it right beneath me. My plan was to jump down and get it from behind. Just as I was about to jump, I stopped.

This doesn't make any sense. Why am I feeding so much? Maybe if I don't feed I could starve myself and I will be able to see Rose again.

No, Carlisle had tried that, doesn't work.

Once the bear was gone I jumped off the tree and hiked up the mountain a little more until I was nearly at the peak. Didn't want to attract any humans by going all the way to the top. I sat down on the snow. My pants were getting soaked, but I didn't care. Two hours passed, I know that Esme and Carlisle would be worried about me, but I didn't deserve their love. I didn't stop the Volturi from taking Rose or Edward. I wasn't worthy of it. Besides, I knew they were grieving too and I didn't want to be a pain for them. I laid down in the snow that was almost cold to my skin. My hair began to soak through, but I didn't care. I didn't need anything, I didn't deserve anything. I just laid there and stared blankly into space.

Bella's POV:

"Bella, you need to hunt" Esme pointed out.

I turned around and looked into the mirror. My eyes were almost black. She was right. I opened the sliding door and jumped off of the balcony. I didn't really care if I fell and hurt myself, it was going to heal anyways. Unlike what happened to Edward and Rosalie. Suddenly I started running. I didn't know where I was going, or what I was looking for, I just ran. I leapt over boulders and logs and even some small trees. I saw Mount Rainier closing in on me in the distance. I decided to go to the mountain. Maybe I would find comfort there, not that I deserved it. Everyone else was home except Emmett who was still out hunting.

Carlisle was getting worried.

He said he'd give him another hour and then Alice and jasper were going to go look for him. I started walking up Mount Rainier, I wasn't really hiking, and I wasn't walking quickly I was just walking. A little bit past half way up I saw a pale hand sticking out of the snow.

"Emmett?" I ran towards it and started digging him out.

"Are you alright?"

He started laughing. I was pissed.

"it sure snows up here a lot!" he said humorously

"Well, I'm glad to know you're over everything that's happened already too."

"Bella, it's quiet up here. It's peaceful. You should stay up here a little bit. It's comfortable."

"but I don't deserve comfort or love, or peace, I deserve-"

"There you are" Alice chided to us. "Carlisle sent us to look for you. Jazz, they're over here."

Suddenly Jasper was at her side.