WeRRa Svey Jhno Jhno.
WeRRa Svey Jhno Mrrau.
Your words reach me.
I don't understand why.
I follow your words.
Hoping they are words of love.
WeRRa Svey Jhno Jhno~
The two of them sat awkwardly across from each other. The silence grew like a living thing between them. Antonio stared at Romano blankly, while the shorter looked down at his intertwined fingers. The Spaniard wondered vaguely if this was a good idea. After Romano's outburst Antonio had been filled with an anger he hadn't known for a very long time. It was the breaking point for him. Every second he'd spent wondering about everything involved with their relationship had been confirmed. Now he felt such a strange neutrality to the situation. He was almost surprised with how cold he was being. But there was every right for him to act as such. Romano had twisted him left and right the whole time. Not that Antonio hated Romano. He just didn't understand how someone he'd known for so long be so foreign to him.
The leather of the armchair Romano sat in was uncomfortably warm. And he knew he really should be saying something but, dammit! This seat was seriously uncomfortable! The Italian glared at the worn brown leather with disdain. He could have ranted in his head forever, claiming this and that on how he'd cruelly dispose of the accursed piece of furniture and rid the world of it's awful presence; but Antonio's voice cut through the haze.
"Romano, what are you doing here?" The older man asked blandly.
Both of them sat in silence once again. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to say it? He'd walked into this knowing there were no absolutes. But that didn't stop him from wanting this to end happily. If this whole thing would straighten itself out, he could stop feeling like this. Sighing, Romano drummed up the courage to say something at all.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly.
And again, silence fell. Antonio looked at him with that blank stare that burned through Romano's entire being. He wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but he was sure that this tired game of silence and stares was slowly driving him insane. Astonishingly, nothing happened. And as nothing continued to happen, Romano felt the need to fix that.
"Why aren't you saying anything?" Romano still couldn't look at him. And his voice still refused to make itself well known.
The Spaniard leaned back in the couch and sighed. Running his hand through his hair he replied.
"What's there to say Romano? It was made perfectly clear that it just wasn't working. What more are you looking for?" He stated.
The words stung more than Romano thought they would. But he did suppose that what he gets for being a complete idiot. Antonio watched as the Italian shifted uncomfortably and picked at the bottom hem of his shirt. It frustrated him to no end! Romano was bouncing back and forth between emotions and his actions made no sense whatsoever. It would be an understatement to say it pissed him off.
"It's just-" Romano started.
"Listen. I don't know why you felt the need to come here. And I don't particularly care. But if you've come to twist the knife, congratulations, you've done your job quite well. And if you don't have anything important to say I'd prefer if you left as soon as possible." Antonio snapped, bristling and irritated with the younger man.
Romano's eyes widened in shock. Never once had Antonio spoken like that. Especially not towards him. And he could feel his heart slowly crack. Maybe he had been too late. This wasn't as fixable as he'd assumed. And it sure hurt a hell of a lot more than he'd assumed. Tears stung the back of his eyes, and he gripped the fabric of his pants tightly. It was probably useless. But he wasn't going to leave things like this. How could he?
Antonio watched as Romano sat there, unmoving. He sat forward again.
"If you're not going to say anything, at least answer me this: Why? The whole time all I did was try and love you. But was I really the only one who felt that way? Was I completely retarded for thinking that maybe you felt the same? Did you even consider how I felt when you pushed me away like that?" Antonio's voice grew louder, and he stood up, pacing back and forth in front of the couch.
"Was I really the only one who felt anything?" He yelled.
Romano stood up quickly, looking at the man who used to be nothing but smiles and stupid love songs. He looked him in the eyes as tears flowed freely.
"Shut up! Just shut the hell up! Do you really think that? You'd have to be stupid not to see that I..." Romano trailed off quietly. He clenched his fists and lowered his head.
"I love you." He said brokenly.
Antonio had never seen Romano cry like that. And it surprised him. But his anger had overwhelmed his senses, leaving him no room to feel pity for the shorter man.
"Sounds a bit forced don't you think?" The Spaniard commented offhandedly.
The words had weighted down on Romano heavily. He had never imagined that this was how it really felt to be truly alone. Nothing had gotten through. Antonio couldn't possibly see him the same way. He could never see. He could never love him. Not like he had before. And possibly not ever again. And there was a split second where everything inside him fell. There was nothing but a dark cold feeling akin to falling of the edge of a cliff into icy waters below. And it wasn't until he hit the bottom did he realize he had quite literally fallen from grace. The hard wood of the floor stung his knees numbly. Antonio looked on in surprise.
"You don't understand. How could you? I was just so scared Antonio. I've been scared my whole life. And I thought that being alone would help keep me safe but it's only hurt me more." Romano sobbed.
"I don't want to do this anymore! I don't want to feel like this. I'm trapped and I don't understand how I'm supposed to get out of here... And it's just too hard to try anymore! I've done what I have because I'm too scared to be left like this. I don't want to let someone hold my heart because in the end they'll just abandon me. No matter how much I want someone to be there I'm just not good enough." He continued.
Antonio was silent. He didn't understand what was going on. His anger ebbed away, and the sudden realization of what was happening donned on him. Romano was having a mental breakdown right in front of him.
"And you have no idea. I love you so much Antonio, but I'm never going to be good for you. And it hurt to realize that I didn't deserve you. I kept you at arms length because you'd realize how worthless I am and go off to find someone perfect. Someone who smiles and laughs. Someone who would hold your hand and tell you they love you every five seconds. Someone who isn't broken like me. Because no one wants me. No one could ever want me. Why do you think everyone adores Feliciano? He's a better me. He's wanted. I have nothing to give. I have no use. I'm only good enough to be someones toy. But even then, no one wants a toy that's already broken. I'm only here because I was lucky to be born."
The Spaniard felt like he needed to say something. But what could you say to that? Romano had told him everything. And the pain Romano felt had consumed him in a way that could never be completely reversed. And it pained Antonio just as much. "Lucky to be born?" How could he think that way about himself? Romano had been worth the world in Antonio's eyes. When he pouted, it was arguably the cutest thing in the world. And when he scolded the Spaniard on misidentifying a wine, he was the smartest person Antonio knew. And God, the few times he smiled, truly and genuinely, Romano had made Antonio's heart clench so tightly it hurt. And as the last of the anger left him, an extreme sadness and guilt fell over the older man. The person he'd loved so deeply a mere two weeks ago was on the floor of his best friends' apartment, telling him he knew for a fact he was worth less than the dirt on Antonio's shoes and could never deserve anyone's love.
"This is so fucked up." Antonio whispered.
Romano sobbed again, bringing his knees to his chest; wrapping his arms around himself.
"I don't want to be here anymore."
The words stilled in the air before falling, making both of them feel a certain type of absolution. Romano felt calmed having finally said it. He'd finally admitted what he wanted. Because if he couldn't be of use, and only caused people trouble, he didn't deserve to exist. He was an empty waste of space. Antonio felt dread seep into his heart. When had things gotten so bad? Did Romano really mean that? In less than two second he was on his knees, holding Romano. The younger laid limply in the Spaniards grasp.
"Listen to me. I don't know what's happened to you. And I don't understand how I'm supposed to fix it. But you're not worthless, Romano. You mean the world to me. I would give anything to make you feel better, to make you smile." Antonio assured the Italian firmly.
"I love you." Romano whimpered pathetically.
"I know." Antonio replied.
Romano's breathing hitched, and he coughed over the words as he repeated them over and over, crying into the others shoulder.
"Romano please, calm down. You'll be sick. Just breathe." Antonio ran his hand up and down Romano's back in what he hoped was a soothing manner.
The smaller man breathed raggedly, reaching up cautiously to hold onto the Spaniard. Antonio pulled away slightly; feeling his heart ache when Romano's arms retracted quickly to cross over his chest in protection. Even after all of it, Antonio knew he still wanted the same thing he did two weeks ago. He wanted to hug and kiss away Romano's pain. Carefully he placed his hands on Romano's cheeks. Leaning forward slowly, the older man kissed the Italian's lips lightly. Romano shut his eyes tightly; refusing to look at Antonio.
"Romano. Look at me."
Another kiss caused Romano to cringe at the familiar warm feeling.
"I'll keep doing this until you open your eyes." The Spaniard whispered softly.
When Romano still refused, another soft kiss made him tremble. What was he trying to do? Half of Romano wanted to believe that this meant something. That this meant everything could be good again. But the other half reminded him that there was so much that had been said and done that couldn't be taken back.
"Romano, I love you."
With those words, Romano opened his eyes slowly, looking at Antonio, eyes filled with pain and fear. Antonio removed his hands so he could wrap his arms around Romano's waist. The younger cautiously held onto the arms that surrounded him.
"I'm sorry that things turned out like this. I'm sorry I've said such terrible things. I... I don't know how to work this out. And it's not going to be as easy as I want it to be." The older admitted.
Romano lowered his gaze sadly. He picked at a stray string coming from the sleeve seam of Antonio's shirt. He really should have known this would happen. He'd made a fool of himself, and all for nothing. The thought almost made him cry, though he'd had quite enough of that today. Instead he'd come to the grave resolution to enjoy this time in the arms of the man he loved, seeing as it would probably be the very last time. Romano sank further into the Spaniard, trailing his arms up to wrap around his neck. He laid his head against Antonio's lower jaw. Closing his eyes he tried to memorize everything. And if he wasn't damned, Antonio still smelled like that fucking cologne.
Antonio was rather surprised at the actions, but assured by them nonetheless.
"Romano, tell me. If you could do anything, make it happen right now, what would you want?" The older questioned cryptically.
Romano sighed. "Honestly? Fuck. I'd be too stupid to do things right if I started over. I guess... If I were being more of a dreamer I'd say I want you to have mercy on me. Forgive me and go back to being annoying and stupid. Go back to suffocating me at night. Come back home. Say you love me. But..." He left off.
"But?" Antonio asked.
"But I'm a realist, not a dreamer. And it'd be useless to get my hopes up. So, after this I'll get up, and go home. I'll clean up the mess I haven't touched for two weeks. I'll change my sheets then lay down to get some sleep. Try to forget I guess." The Italian admitted.
A short pit-fall feeling made Antonio's arms twitch, gripping the other tighter. It almost made him laugh how it really was like they were going backwards. Romano was letting go just as he was trying to keep a hold on.
"Yes, well, you won't be doing that any time soon. Not if I have a choice in this." He laughed.
Romano gave the older man a puzzled look as he pulled away. But it was soon replaced with shock as he was thrown backwards onto the floor. Antonio crawled over him slowly, smiling at the Italian's confused face. He leaned forward, connecting the both of them again, then trailing butterfly kisses down Romano's neck.
"Hey! Wh-what are you doing?" Romano exclaimed, blushing profusely.
When Antonio locked eyes with him again there was that old shine to them. He was smiling.
"Romano, be quiet. I'm trying to get into my boyfriends pants." He replied before going back to what he was doing.
Romano would have said something, but when Antonio nibbled on his jaw and softly ran his fingers along smooth olive skin, the only sound that escaped his lips was a contented sigh. Slowly his shirt was pulled up and with a little help removed and thrown across the room. Antonio's followed quickly after. Romano stared up at the man above him. He'd never thought he'd see this moment. Antonio looked down on him with as much love as he was able to provide. And behind that love was an intense want. A need. It almost made Romano tear up again. He was wanted and loved and needed. It made him shudder. The Spaniard massaged Romano's thighs, rubbing slowly from knees to hip bones. In a blur, Romano was vaguely aware of his lovers lips connecting with the skin on his chest. Romano reached out and found the skin of Antonio's back. He ran his fingertips over flexing shoulder blades softly, earning a sigh from the man above him. Lips searched and found the small peak they were looking for. Antonio sucked and bit gently, rewarded with Romano's hands finding their way into his hair.
Romano whined as Antonio pulled away. Looking down at him, Antonio marveled in the half lidded look that was sent his way. Romano lay below him with reddened cheeks and panting slightly. The smaller man reached out and the Spaniard didn't have the heart to deny him. Romano wrapped his arms around Antonio's neck; rutting against the thigh that had placed itself between his legs. Both of them were aware of their steadily growing problems.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Antonio breathed.
Romano lifted his hips and dragged against his lovers leg slowly, letting out a small groan. Letting his hips fall back to the floor he glanced up at Antonio from under thick auburn eyelashes.
"I'm pretty sure there's no going back now. I'm already hard and you're going to fix it." He panted.
There was short silence before Antonio slammed himself against the other's body, licking and biting Romano's neck as he ground against the other fervently. Two moans lifted through the air, occupying the space in place of the silence.
Author's note:
Hell yes, chapter 9 is finally done! You have no idea how long this took me. Lucky me I'm just starting on a roll, and there will definitely be smut next chapter. Until then, I'm sorry to leave you with the cliffhanger. But it had to be done. Hope you enjoyed! Reviews are love!