Holy crap this is late! I'm so very sorry, everyone. I hope you all will forgive me. This chapter is slightly shorter (1 and 2 are about 5000 words and this is about 4000) than the others but that doesn't mean it's not good! Read on!
Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, Alice in Wonderland, Inception, Soul Eater, Fullmetal Alchemist, any of the fortunes (except the last one), Jeff Dunham, Cobra Starship, Panic! at the Disco, Bambi, or any cherries jubilee recipe.
September
Due to the fact that Natsu came over uninvited for breakfast again, Lucy decided to ruin the meal she was preparing for the two of them. She burned the eggs and bacon she was making and served some still-frozen hash browns.
"Lucy, this isn't a good breakfast at all! I'm going to have to report you to the B.B.B!"
"The B.B.B?"
"The Better Breakfast Bureau."
"Natsu, there's no such thing!"
"Oh? So I guess you think that the Better Breakfast Month doesn't exist. What comes after August if it's not September?"
"It is September, Natsu."
"So you admit it!"
National Beheading Day: September 2
Lucy cursed the holiday and everything else she could think of. She was running as fast as she could in the long, frilly dress she had apparently chosen to don that morning, for an army of royal guards were chasing the poor mage. The queen, who sent her protectors after the blonde, was screaming for the guards to chop Lucy's head off. The queen, Lucy noticed, looked suspiciously like Ultear.
"Off with her head!" Lucy yelped and pushed her legs to run faster. A snickering to her right alerted Lucy to the presence of a familiar flying cat.
"Happy!"
"Aye! You know, Lucy, this is a really cliché dream you're having. You are such a weirdo." Lucy lurched awake in a cold sweat and found herself propped up against an ash tree.
"Oh…it was all just a dream."
"What was?" Lucy's scream at the sight of Natsu's scruffy suit and top hat could be heard throughout Fiore.
Skyscraper Day: September 3
Gazille was casually walking around an industrial part of Fiore while looking up at the skyscrapers. He had finished his mission in the area early and decided to explore the urbanized city. He was unfamiliar with the tall buildings that people called skyscrapers and couldn't help but stare. He stood near one of the buildings that belonged to some various business firms and craned his neck so he could see the top. Before his eyes met the edge though, he spotted a miniscule speck near the tower that was gradually getting bigger and bigger. Gazille didn't realize it was a pebble until after it hit him.
Newspaper Carrier Day: September 4
Wendy jogged through the streets of Magnolia with a beige messenger bag full of newspapers thumping against her side. She had accepted a solo mission to help deliver papers for a few streets whose normal carrier was out sick. The street she was on also contained Lucy's home so Wendy surmised to visit the stellar spirit mage while she was in the neighborhood. The dragon slayer approached the blonde's door and gave a timid knock. Lucy opened the door after a few moments and gave Wendy a cheery smile.
"It's refreshing when people actually use the door." Wendy smiled and proffered the paper she was supposed to deliver before chatting with her friend. Lucy took it with gratitude and glanced at the front page. Her eyes widened before she started to scold the poor paper girl. "Wendy! How could you deliver these? Did you even look at them?"
"N-no." Lucy showed the frightened girl the front page.
"It shows us standing in front of a demolished town! Everyone's going to hate us now!"
Be Late for Something Day: September 5
Erza glanced at a store's clock and bounded faster. She could not believe that she had allowed herself to be distracted by the new patisserie. Magic Morsels, it was called, sold so many types of strawberry cake that Erza had stood in front of the shop window for a whole five minutes. Five! And now, here she was, sprinting as fast as she could to the train station to go on a mission with Natsu, Gray, Lucy and Happy. Now the train station was in sight and Erza could see her friends waiting near their platform. Erza barreled toward the group at top speed but it seemed that the world was against her. When she finally reached her friends the redhead looked at the clock on the wall across from them before releasing a strangled cry.
"No! I'm late!"
"Yeah, by 14 seconds."
Cheese Pizza Day: September 5
"Laki, where the hell did all this pizza come from?"
"The new Pixie Pizza place. They deliver so we decided to have them cater for a pizza party.
"But where did the money to pay for all these pizzas come from?"
"Your credit card."
"What?"
"Don't worry, Master, most of them are cheese."
"Okay…how many pizzas are there?"
"A hundred. 51 cheeses and the rest have more than two toppings." It was then that Makarov fainted.
Labor Day: First Monday
On which Gazille was able to make Jet and Droy into slaves by claiming he had a picture of Levi in a swim suit. He didn't, of course, but he was able to make her teammates do whatever he wanted for the photos. (1)
Fight Procrastination Day: September 6
….
I'll do this one later.
Read a Book Day: September 6
Lisanna was calmly conversing with her sister when the fire dragon slayer's boisterous laughter caught her attention. She looked in his direction and had to rub her eyes in disbelief at what she saw. Natsu Dragoneel, fire dragon slayer, official moron of Fairy Tail (they had a vote), was reading. Thinking it was probably a picture book, Lisanna sauntered over to her friend to inquire what he was reading.
"This." Natsu showed her the cover before letting out a small chuckle. "This book is hilarious!"
"Natsu…that's the Christian Bible."
"I know! It's funny as hell! This Jesus character is a card!"
Neither Rain nor Snow Day: September 7
"And that's why you're not allowed in the guild today." Erza explained to the half naked ice mage and water mage.
"Wait, so you're saying that because it's Neither Rain nor Snow Day Juvia and I aren't allowed to enter the guild?"
"Precisely. Now run off and have fun by yourselves. We will see you both tomorrow." And on that note the swordswomen turned away from her friends and entered the guild. Gray turned toward a fidgeting Juvia in exasperation.
"What now?" Juvia was about to respond but was interrupted by an elderly man who had approached the pair.
"Excuse me," The frail looking man began. "Are you mages of Fairy Tail?"
"Yeah. Why do you ask?"
"I was wondering if you could give this package to my daughter for me." The old man coughed a few times before continuing. "I would do it myself but I don't think my body could handle it." Gray silently agreed with the man before accepting the package. "Thank you so much! Her name is Leslie and she lives in the Sunny Villa apartment complex down the street." The old man handed Juvia a few hundred jewels and hobbled away. After a few minutes Juvia and Gray arrived at the complex and quickly located Leslie's name on the roster.
"Juvia found it! Leslie Camille, room 4-D." The two went up the stairs to the fourth floor and knocked on the door. After five minutes of no response, Gray began to lose his patience. After ten, he said "screw it all" and froze the doorknob so he could bust the lock and open the door. After their crime, the mages entered the room and began to look around for the girl.
"Dammit! She's not even here!"
"Um…Gray-sama?" Gray turned to his blue haired admirer. Juvia held up a sheet of legal looking paper she found on the ground.
"Eviction notice? Son of a bitch!" Juvia and Gray left the room and went across the hall to inquire where the previous occupant was. Juvia knocked on the door and was greeted by an elderly woman.
"Excuse us but we were wondering if you knew where Leslie Camille is staying right now." The old woman thought about it a moment before answering.
"I believe Leslie is staying at her boyfriend's house right now. He lives over on River Avenue." The two thanked the woman before leaving the apartment building. They asked around to find the exact house of Leslie's boyfriend and approached the correct one.
"If she's not here I'm going to break something." Gray hissed as he rang the doorbell. Juvia silently agreed with the ice mage.
"Leslie!" The man who opened the door nearly tackled Gray but stopped himself just in time. "Oh…you're not her." Gray sighed.
"I take it she's not here." The man sniffled.
"She left me."
"Thank you for your time." Juvia sighed and Gray smashed a light post. The mages started to walk down the street with Gray unconsciously stripping and Juvia feeling lightheaded at the sight.
"Oo, look at that guy!" A manly voice cooed from behind Gray and Juvia. Juvia turned to glare at the owner of the male voice and froze when she spotted him. The man was dressed smartly in a tank top and short, denim skirt. The man's face was caked with makeup and dangling from his neck was a sterling silver necklace with the name Leslie. Juvia threw up in her mouth a little before tapping Gray on the shoulder. When Gray gave the woman his attention she pointed at the drag queen.
"Holy shit! Err…I mean…I think this is for you." Leslie looked puzzled but accepted the package. The cross dresser then turned his attention to the half naked Gray and winked.
"Thanks so much!" And that's when Juvia lost it and beat the shit out of the drag queen who dared to hit on her man.
International Literacy Day: September 8
"What the hell is this shit? There's no pictures!"
Pardon Day: September 8
"Burp" Gray belched loudly after drinking a carbonated beverage.
"That was weak." Gazille said to the ice mage. The iron dragon slayer inhaled a large amount of air and belted out a much louder belch. "That is a burp." Cana shoved both of the males away and let out a long, deafening belch that had most of the male guild members clapping in admiration.
"Excuse you!"
Teddy Bear Day: September 9
Gazille followed Wendy reluctantly. She had asked him to play with her bears with her and, due to a death glare from Levi, the iron dragon slayer agreed.
"This will be so much fun, Gazille! The last time one of the guild members played with me didn't go very well. Poor Gray." Wendy frowned at the memory of Erza beating the stuffing out of the unfortunate ice mage after he swore at one of the teddy bears. She shook off the memory and smiled at the other dragon slayer. "I'm glad the both of you agreed to play with me today."
"Both?" Gazille gave Wendy an inquiring look. "Who else is coming?" The voice that sounded behind the Gazille scared the living shit out of the unfortunate mage.
"Teddy bears are manly!"
"What the fu-"
Sewing Machine Day: September 10
Lucy decided that she would never allow Wendy to use her sewing machine again. Her thoughts were further enforced by the panicked mewls of one blue cat as he tried to detach his tail from the fabric Wendy had accidently stitched him to.
Swap Ideas Day: September 10
Lucy sighed in resignation. She had asked Levi for some ideas to include in her novel but the blue haired mage didn't have any good ideas and so asked Mira. This in turn led to everyone "contributing" ideas to be in Lucy's book.
"There should be a dragon!"
"The whole story should be a dream! Or even a dream with in a dream! Oh! Maybe you should make one person a dream!"
"You should make it a world where certain people can turn into weapons!"
"Or use alchemy!"
"Morons! Those ideas have already been done!" Lucy began to massage her temples. Today was going to be a long day.
Grandparent's Day: September 11
Nobody could explain why the guild master was so happy that day. The only explanation that anybody could think of was the mysterious letter Makarov received with a lightning bolt stamp.
Make Your Bed Day: September 11
"Natsu! Get out of my goddamn bed! It's already noon!"
National Pet Memorial Day: Second Sunday
Laki's ill-fated hamster was being remembered by its owner on this day. The unfortunate critter had died honorably in battle (he was hit in the crossfire during one of Natsu and Gray's fights).
No News is Good News Day: September 11
Since Mira was unable to keep her mouth shut, she was gagged and locked in a closet for the day. The poor gossiper had all this information and no one to share it with.
Chocolate Milkshake Day: September 12
Erza hoisted a brown cow above her head and violently began to shake it around. The hapless animal mooed in protest of its ill treatment.
"Erza? What the hell are you doing?" Gray approached the animal abusing swordswomen with caution.
"I'm trying to make a chocolate milkshake." Gray gaped at her.
"That's not how you do it! Besides, chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows!"
Defy Superstition Day: September 13
"Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice, you know." Lisanna told her sister. A charred Natsu sitting next to her begged to differ.
"Laxus didn't seem to think so."
"Fortune Cookie Day: September 13
"Levi, what does your fortune say?" Levi looked at the water mage for a moment and then broke open her cookie. Levi placed the cookie on the table and read her fortune out loud.
"By the time you finish reading this, you will have already read it." Levi frowned at the paper and chucked it into the garbage. She grumpily munched on her cookie while Juvia read hers.
"Your love will choose someone else-" Juvia abruptly smashed the cookie and shredded the paper in anger. Levi looked on in horror and chose to divert her attention away from the scene.
"So, uh, Erza? What did your fortune say?" Erza looked at the slip of paper and recited the words out loud.
"Error 404: Fortune not found." Erza blinked at the fortune and read it again. "Um…"
"Listen to mine," Evergreen pulled out her slip. "Help, I'm trapped in a cookie making factory." Gray (whom was wearing only a pair of boxers) broke open his cookie and read it quietly to himself.
"Gray, put your pants on—what the hell?"
National Peanut Day: September 13
"Natsu!" Lisanna growled at her friend as he cackled evilly. The bastard had poured a jar of peanuts down her shirt as a dare and now she was trying hard to keep her cool and not slaughter her childhood friend like Erza would.
"Are you mad?"
"No, I'm not mad."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am!"
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am!"
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am!"
"No, you're not."
"YES, I AM!"
"Assert your feelings, Lisa-na-na!"
Positive Thinking Day: September 13
On the Brightside, Natsu felt being beaten within an inch of his life by Lisanna was better than being killed by Erza.
National Cream-Filled Donut Day: September 14
Levi's random act of kindness went unnoticed by the iron dragon slayer as he bit into a cream-and-metal-shard-filled donut.
Make a Hat Day: September 15
"Congratulations on making yourself a hat, Gray. An ass hat, that is."
Felt Hat Day: September 15
When Gazille learned of Levi's kindness from one of her teammates (Jet: Be grateful, Asshole!), he decided to return the favor.
"Oh my Mashima! Gazille, thank you! I've always wanted a fez!"
Collect Rocks Day: September 16
Or, as the guild liked to call it, Collect Rocks and Throw Them at Other People Day.
Working Parents' Day: September 16
As Romeo watched his father and Cana have a drinking contest, the young boy couldn't help but wonder if Macao counted as a "working" parent.
National Apple Dumpling Day: September 17
"Um…Elfman?"
"Yes?"
"When you make apple dumplings, I think you're supposed to put apples in them. Not meat and vegetables."
"But the meat makes them MANLY!"
Oktoberfest (Begins): Day Varies
Cana was doing a small happy dance in the middle of the guild. Finally her favorite festival/holiday was starting!
"Master! I'm taking the rest of the month off for…uh…religious observation!" And so Cana proceeded to the nearest liquor store to buy out half of their inventory.
National Cheeseburger Day: September 18
Elfman decided that the only food manlier than a hot dog was a cheeseburger. Well…minus the mustard, of course.
National Women's Friendship Day: Third Sunday
"Because of what day it is, Erza, Levi, Cana and I are going to the spa." Lucy told her two male friends.
"Why are you bringing Erza?" Gray asked the blonde. "She's not a woman." Needless to say, Gray got his ass kicked.
International Talk like a Pirate Day: September 19 [Hells yes!]
"Hey guys, what's—I mean, yo-ho yee scallywags! How be you?" Levi hated this grammar-mutilating day. She wanted to shoot herself in the head due to all the improper language. While Levi had to restrain herself from slaughter, Happy seemed to have no problem with the holiday and easily belted out "ayes" and "yarrs"
National Butterscotch Pudding Day: September 19
"Ugh," Gildartz mock gagged from the pudding. "This flavor is for dumbasses. Here you go, Natsu."
National Punch Day: September 20
"Ow! Mother fu-"
"Damn it! What was that for?"
"Take that, Ice Bitch!"
"How was that, Iron Bastard!"
"That was weak! You're a—ow! Shit!"
"Oof! That blow was unmanly!" No one was really surprised how this day went.
National Peace Day: September 21
Lisanna looked around at all of her lukewarm friends.
"Anyone else think that National Peace Day comes after National Punch Day on purpose?"
Miniature Golf Day: September 21
"Damn hippo! Give me my ball back!" Gazille began to violently shake the obnoxious-looking pink hippo that had somehow swallowed his golf ball. Jet, Droy, and Levi hardly managed to squelch their laughter. Gazille's display with the hippo was much better than any comedy segment they had ever seen. "If you don't give me my goddamn ball back, I will eat you! I'm not even kidding. You're made of iron so you'll be goddamn delicious!" This comment seemed to attract bystander attention which only caused the Shadow Gear team's faces to turn an even redder shade as they tried to keep from laughing out loud. "All right you ass, prepare for the commencement of you personal hell! You brought this on yourself." When Gazille began to actually eat the hippo many events simultaneously occurred. First, the course's management arrived at the scene and began yelling at the dragon slayer to stop. Mothers covered their children's eyes to shield them from the "horrible display" and fathers roared with laughter. Levi, Jet and Droy finally capitulated to their urges and burst out laughing while the management pried Gazille off of the now headless hippo. Gazille cackled like a madman after that and sneered at the decapitated pink carcass of the hippopotamus. "What now, Bitch?"
World Gratitude Day: September 21
"Happy…what are you doing?" The white cat asked as she approached the other feline. Happy was lying face down in the dirt with his limbs spread out like a star.
"Giving the world a hug!"
Business Women's Day: September 22
"Um…Erza?" The redhead cocked her skull to the side to indicate that she was listening. "You do know that the girl scouts aren't a corporation, right?" Lucy looked at the badges on the swordswoman's sash in exasperation. "You don't qualify as a business woman." Erza waved the blonde's words away.
"Of course I do! Girl scouts are door-to-door saleswomen, and good ones at that, so we definitely qualify. We're highly successful, right, girls?"
"Yes, Den Mother Erza!" The troop (including Wendy) chimed.
"Now, Lucy, if you'll excuse us, we have cookies to sell." And with that, Den Mother Erza and her daisies left the premises.
Elephant Appreciation Day: September 22
Natsu was doing just fine "appreciating" the creatures until one decided to spray the dragon slayer; that was when animal control had to come and sedate the pissed off mage.
Checkers Day: September 23
Gray carefully analyzed the black and red board for any possible moves. Lucy was kicking his ass so far and it was aggravating him to no end. Right now, though, Lucy was fidgeting which meant that Gray had a possible move that could help him out a lot. He just had to figure out what it was. After five minutes, the frigorific mage finally found an opening in which he was able to jump over two of the blonde's pieces and get "kinged." Gray's evil grin flashed and he preformed the move (much to his opponent's disdain).
"Ha! King me! Who's your daddy now, bitch?" (1)
International Rabbit Day: September 24
Wendy snuggled the cute, fluffy bunny; nothing made her happier than small animals. These small things made you want to reinvent love to signify something along the lines of fluffy bunnies.
"Who could ask for any more?" Wendy sighed in content. The bunny, nicknamed Thumper, began to squirm so Wendy set the animal down. She really wanted to buy the animal but there was no way she would be able to care for it. She also wanted a puppy named Bambi.
National Cherries Jubilee Day: September 24
Lisanna tapped her foot nervously. Somehow, Elfman had managed to obtain his own cooking presentation at a local recreation center. He was going to show other adults how to cook certain dishes so Lisanna tagged along for moral support/assistance.
"Attention, ladies and gentlemen! We are going to be making a manly cherries julibee!"
"Jubilee." Lisanna corrected while playing with her hands. She was praying that Elfman wouldn't burn down the building like a certain dragon slayer she knew.
"I'm pretty sure it's julibee, Lisanna. Anyway, first we whisk together some cornstarch and sugar in a saucepan."
Sounds easy enough. Lisanna watched in horror as Elfman poured a bottle of rum in the saucepan. "Uh…Elfman? That's not sugar."
"Don't worry, Lisanna. I know what I'm doing. Lucy told me that rum and sugar are the same thing." Elfman whispered back to his sister. She sighed and let him do as he pleased. "Now the cornstarch." Elfman placed three corn cobs into the saucepan. "We were out of starch but plain corn should work just as well!"
No it won't! Lisanna deadpanned in her head.
"Now we whisk it together!" Elfman transformed his arm into some scaly, clawed thing and began to desecrate the corn and rum mixture. Corn kernels and rum flew as the dish was destroyed. Elfman placed the saucepan over the stovetop he was provided with. "Add orange juice and water and boil it." He crushed six oranges and threw the peels and juice into the saucepan. Lisanna blanched as he added a bottle of clear liquid that Lisanna was sure wasn't water.
"Elfman, what is that?" she hissed.
"It's water." Elfman stated, rolling his eyes. He pointed to the label as if she was an idiot. "It says H2O." Elfman poured the substance into the pan and turned up the heat full blast. Lisanna looked at the label and paled even more. Somehow, Elfman had misread the neatly printed H2SO4 (2) and thought it was water.
Shit…
"Now we stir in the cherries and let it simmer. Lisanna, please scoop the homemade ice cream into some bowls while we wait." Lisanna nodded and took out enough bowls for the whole audience and removed Elfman's ice cream from a cooler. It didn't look very creamy but it was white and frozen so she figured it was safe enough. The transformation mage scooped the white substance into the bowls while Elfman timed the cherries and chatted with the audience. As she was scooping it into bowls, Lisanna accumulated some of the white ice cream on her thumb. She licked it off and gagged.
"Ugh…Elfman, what flavor is this?"
"I believe it was shaving. It came in a can and I just froze the stuff. It's a manly flavor!"
"WHAT? Elfman, that's not—"
"Alright, the cherries are done! Now we set the cherries on fire and put them on the ice cream. Natsu!" In strode the fire mage with a wicked look in his eye. Natsu set the mixture (as well as the counter and stage) on fire and Elfman served the "julibee." "And that's how it's done! Enjoy my manly creation!" Later that day 32 people were admitted to the hospital needing burn treatment or their stomachs pumped.
National Comic Book Day: September 25
"Lucy, Juvia, look! I made a comic book! It's called, The Adventures of Gay-man!" The girls looked at the book and sighed. Juvia glared at the dragon slayer with bloodthirsty eyes.
"Natsu, why does Gay-man look like Gray-sama?"
Crush a Can Day: September 27
"Not that kind of can, Natsu! Where are people supposed to pee now?"
National Good Neighbor Day: September 28
"Here's your vacuum back, Lucy. Thanks again for letting me use it." Gray handed the blond mage the vacuum he had borrowed the week before.
"You're welcome!" Lucy gratefully accepted the cleaning machine. "What are good neighbors for?" Lucy paused when a thought occurred to her. "Where do you live, anyway?" As Gray was about to reply, Happy flew in through Lucy's window and interrupted him.
"Gray, your house is on fire."
"What? Damn it, not again! That's the eighth box this month!"
National Mud Pack Day: September 30
Natsu starred befuddled at Evergreen. She had mud slathered on her face and was lying on a lawn chair outside of the guild.
"What are you doing?" An angry sigh escaped the gorgon's mud-covered lips.
"Go away, you dumbass. You wouldn't understand."
"Understand what? That you finally realized that no one wants to look at your face so you covered it?"
"Asshole!"
(1) I have been waiting since chapter one to use this quote!
(2) H2SO4 a.k.a Sulfuric Acid. It's purest form is poisonous. Ironically, I was listening to Poison by All Time Low while typing this part.
Hope you enjoyed this late installment of Holidays. For your information, the next chapter might also be kind of late due to school and such. I will try to get it out but no promises on when. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing a contest but I'm not sure yet. What are your opinions on the matter? Let me know what you think as well as tell me if you think I'm not giving some characters enough love. I try to include as many people as I can but it doesn't always work out with the topics. See you all whenever!