A/N: You know what I just realized? (Other than the fact that y'all hate me at this point? LOL) A majority of the couples that I've wanted to be endgame…aren't. House & Cameron aren't endgame (although our ending was kinda sweet, knowing that Cam was the reason House got out); Mark & Lexie aren't endgame…& hello! Jackie & Hyde aren't together in the end, either! I've come to the conclusion that the eighth season of a lot of my shows just frickin suck, & that needs to change. Ugh.
I'm going to apologize for the somewhat choppiness of this chapter – I wanted to get something out to you as quickly as possible, & I feel that my quality has waned the last bit of chapters (I'm having some family issues, even though I don't think that's a valid excuse for poor writing). I've been reading some other fanfics in some other fandoms, & it really pisses me off when they have the main character act all out of character, & I hope to God I didn't do that here. I'd like to be as organic & true to the characters as possible, while having them do naughty things to each other & having them be honest w/ themselves & each other. I hope I've done that here.
Oh, & another thing – big up to those that read through this long ass author's note & all my readers. Even if you don't review & just follow me, that means a lot. It literally makes me *squee* everytime I get an email alert saying someone has favorited or followed or reviewed my stories. Y'all just rock my socks just as much as the new Nas album did (which was a lot, lol).
Disclaimer: Listen, homie. If you've read all the way up to here you should know I don't own these folks. If I did, House & Cameron would be making snarky blue-eyed babies together, Mark & Lexie would having sex in the woods, & most importantly, Jackie & Hyde would be celebrating years of happily wedded bliss. But they didn't, so what does that tell you?
Exactly…
Chapter 13: Tired of Not Trying
It doesn't happen often.
The clarity. The knowing.
And for some….it never happens at all.
For Steven Hyde – the clarity, the knowing – happened one rainy day in March, 1981.
For the rest of the world, the day had no special significance. No cures for cancer were found, world peace hadn't been attained, and poverty was still rampant in cities the world over.
For the rest of the world, that day in March was just one of many. It was like the one before, would be like the one that came after.
Except for Hyde…that day changed everything.
Everything.
It was on that day – the day that would shake Hyde to his very core with the realizations that had been building up for months – when he had heard Jackie's voice for the first time since his last burn on what was her last day in Point Place.
It was Jackie's twenty-first birthday.
He had gone upstairs for some of the cookies that Mrs. Forman had baked earlier that day. He had been nursing a massive hangover, and heard Mrs. Forman talking to someone on the phone in the kitchen.
He never made it past the doorway.
He had heard Mrs. Forman's trademark laugh – the real one, the one that she used when she was really happy about something, or found something really funny. It was strange, but it occurred to Hyde that he hadn't heard his surrogate mom laugh like that in a really long time.
Since Jackie left, actually.
So he was curious, and devious enough to go back downstairs to the basement, and eavesdrop on Kitty's conversation. He wanted to know who had brought out that laugh – the trademark giggles that hadn't been heard since Jackie had walked out the door.
So he sat on the couch, and, quietly picked up the phone.
"Ya know, Jackie, I just can't believe that you're twenty-one already! My God, but it seemed like just yesterday you were screaming at Michael for doing something stupid."
Jackie giggled. "You're gonna have to be a tad bit more specific, Mrs. Forman. Michael was always doing something stupid."
Mrs. Forman chuckled. "This is sad, but true. Oh, well thank the good heavens that he's with Brooke. She brings out the best in him, ya know? And you should see the way he is with Betsy. Of all those boys, I always thought that Steven – "
"Mrs. Forman, please don't," Jackie interrupted. "I don't want to talk about Ste-Hyde."
"Jackie," Mrs. Forman spoke softly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned Steven."
"It's okay," Jackie murmured. "I know he's like a son to you, but…that part of my life is over, ya know? I'm doing so well here, and Nate is so great, and he really loves me, Mrs. Forman. I mean, the Taylors have been so wonderful to me, Nate especially. I never have to wonder where I stand with him, or worry that his foot is halfway out the door, like with…him. Nate loves me, Mrs. Forman."
"And…Jackie, do you love him?"
"Of course, Mrs. Forman! Nate's the perfect guy for me!" Jackie exclaimed.
"I'm not talking about love – I can tell that you love him, honey. I'm talking about…are you in love with Nathan? Like the way you were with…you know who?"
"Kitty," Jackie paused. "I-I…I will never love someone like I loved him. Never. And you know why?" Jackie whimpered. "Because loving that way hurts. It takes everything away from you, leaves you with nothing. Loving someone that way makes you give away everything you are, and more often than not – you receive nothing back. You're the only one that loves like this, so you're the one that ends up moving hundreds of miles away, because you loved someone so much that you gave them all, and now you're the one that feels empty, crying yourself to sleep every night. I will never love someone like that, Mrs. Forman. I won't. I already did that once, and it broke me. I won't let it happen again."
"Oh, Jackie…"
"I just want someone to be there for me, ya know?" Jackie said, sadly. "Just someone who wants to love me. Stev-he didn't. I was just…there, cuz I was hot and I put out and it burned Michael. But…he didn't want to love me," Jackie said, matter of factly. "So he didn't."
A pause.
"Well, this is not the conversation we should be having on your birthday, young lady!" Kitty laughed, nervously. "Today is your twenty-first birthday, and it is a happy day! So we're just gonna turn that frown upside down, missy!"
Jackie giggled. "Alright, Mrs. Forman."
"So what are your plans for the evening? Is that man of yours taking you somewhere special? And, what pray tell are you going to wear?"
"Oh my gosh, Mrs. Forman! The Taylors…"
And Hyde hung up, unable to hear anymore.
Today was Jackie's birthday.
And she was spending it with someone else, someone who deserved her, someone who wanted to love her.
How could she think that he didn't love her, man?
"You were eavesdropping, weren't you?"
Hyde looked up from the couch, to see Mrs. Forman looking down at him.
"Eavesdropping? I wasn't eavesdropping, what are you talking about Mrs. Forman..?"
"Steven," Mrs. Forman sighed. These kids. She wasn't stupid. Although she could use a belt of Jim Beam to deal with her second son's stupidity. "I heard the click. I know it was you."
"Well, maybe Red wanted to use…"
"Steven Hyde, don't you dare lie to me!" Mrs. Forman exploded. "You know that man never uses the phone! Why can't you just admit it?"
Hyde looked at his mother…his real mother anyway, and knew she knew. Fuck, he knew the minute he caught a whiff of her perfume before she had said a word.
The jig was up.
Hyde looked down at his hands.
"Does she call here a lot?" he asked quietly.
Kitty sat down on his chair, and silently bled for him. "Almost every other week."
"Has she…has she.." he couldn't get the words out. God, where the fuck did his zen go?
"She doesn't ask about you," Kitty informed him quietly. "You and Donna are not exactly her favorite people in the world…"
He looked down at his hands. No shit. If anyone had treated him the way him and Donna had treated Jackie…he wouldn't give a fuck about them, either.
"But I know she still loves you, Steven."
Hyde looked at Kitty, his temper rising. "No disrespect, Mrs. Forman, but I'm not Eric. I'm not some little kid that you have to lie to. I know she fucking hates me. And I don't blame her."
Kitty sighed, and grabbed Hyde's hand. "You know, Steven," she began. "The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference."
Hyde looked at her, confused. "What?"
"Honey, I'm saying that if Jackie didn't still have feelings for you, she wouldn't hate you. She wouldn't have moved hundreds of miles to get away from you."
"Yeah," Hyde said sarcastically. "Cuz moving to another frickin state really shows the love. I'm not buying it, Mrs. Forman. Jackie hates me, and after all the shit I put her through, I don't blame her."
"But it does, Steven," Mrs. Forman said. "Can't you see? Why would Jackie move so far away from you? To a city that she has no ties to, a city that is as different from here as Point Place is to the moon – but she did it because she couldn't stand to be here anymore, without being with you. She still has feelings for you, sweetheart."
"Yeah, well," Hyde muttered. "It's obvious her feelings don't go as deep as you claim them to be. I heard you guys talking about her new boyfriend. I just bet he's a rich pretty boy, probably looks exactly like Kelso."
Mrs. Forman had had enough and stood up. "Just…just stop it, Steven!"
Hyde looked up, shocked. "Wha-what?"
"How dare you say that that girl doesn't love you! Everything she has done has been for you! She gave up that perfect job in Chicago, she decorated your room for you, she forgave you for not attending her graduation party, she even forgave you for sleeping with a nurse! And you can sit there and have the audacity to tell me she doesn't love you? That girl moved away for you! You had treated her so badly that you broke her, Steven! And yes, she has someone new, but her heart will always be with you! You were so wrapped up in your pride and ego and not getting hurt that you pushed away the one person who gave up a dream for you. How can you not see how much she loves you? How could you hurt her so much that she moved away?"
Hyde looked at his feet, unable to meet the plea in Mrs. Forman's eyes for an answer. "I..I..don't know…"
Kitty sighed, knowing Steven wasn't used to feeling so much, so intensely. "Was her love that bad? Didn't…didn't Jackie make you happy, honey? Why couldn't you just…love her back?"
Hyde's head shot up, disbelieving. How could Mrs. Forman think that he didn't love Jackie?
Maybe cuz you stopped showing it, dumbass. A voice, that sounded strangely like Red's, sounded off in Hyde's mind.
"Mrs. Forman, I," Hyde stammered. Then stopped, defeated. Why couldn't he just love Jackie back? Why did he have to make it so damn hard, why couldn't he take the laissez faire attitude that he had towards life in general and just love her back?
"You know, Steven," Mrs. Forman said quietly, again sitting back down on Hyde's chair. "I don't know what you think love is, but let me tell you, real love isn't easy. It's hard, and it takes work, and," she chuckled softly, "it's almost terrifying to give your heart to someone else. But…it's worth it."
"Was it hard," Hyde couldn't believe he was asking this, and he hoped to God that Kitty understood and wouldn't blab about it to everyone, "was it hard…with Red?"
"Oh," Mrs. Forman laughed her trademark laugh, and smiled prettily as the memories of her and her husband's early years flooded through her mind. "Oh, sweetheart, of course it was. You think being his wife is hard? It took the man getting blind stinking drunk to finally admit his feelings for me, even though it was painfully obvious. But," she paused. "It was hard for him to admit it. Hard for him to let me love him, even though I did, almost from the beginning. He had seen so much – the war…it was hard."
"So what made him…what made him…" Hyde was curious. If Red Forman could have a hard time admitting to loving this woman, maybe there was hope for him yet.
"Other than a bottle of bourbon?" Mrs. Forman asked, chuckling. "I loved him, from the beginning, ya know. Reginald Forman just…dazzled me. He was so handsome, so strong. But…he had seen things. Done things. Terrible things. Being in the military, seeing men around you dying," she looked down. "It changes you. Fighting for freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be, apparently," she said, sarcastically.
"So how did he – I mean, how did he…"
"You can either live your life two ways, Steven. You can spend your life hiding, from people, from the way they make you feel, for the feelings they inspire in you. Or you can embrace it, and let people love you. And love them back."
Was that what he was doing? Was he…was he hiding?
"I'm just going to get started on dinner." Mrs. Forman stood up, and placed her hand on her adopted – and her favorite – son's shoulder. On a whim, she bent over and kissed the top of his head. "You're a good boy, Steven."
"But ya gotta stop being such a dumbass."
It really didn't come as a surprise when a revelation, brought on by Leo's kickass stash, and something said by the man himself, that finally got through to Hyde in the most obvious of places.
The circle.
It was the same day – Jackie's birthday – and it was after the conversation that he had had with Mrs. Forman in the basement. He had gone out for a drive, needing the fresh air, hoping it would help the headache that last night's debauchery had left behind.
That had gotten imaginably worse the moment he had heard Jackie talking about somebody new.
Hyde wasn't stupid. He knew…Jackie was hot, man. Fucking gorgeous. And for all her shallow bullshit…that that's exactly what that was. Bullshit. Because – the reality of Jackie – the reality that Hyde was just really coming to terms with since he had forcibly pushed her out of his life…the reality of Jackie was that she was quite probably the best fucking high in the world. She had shot him up with her, and now she was there – in his mind. His blood.
His heart.
It would be stupid to think that she would wait for him to make up his frickin mind, that she would always be there, in the background, waiting for him to grow the fuck up and man up already.
She didn't wait – and he as much as he wanted to blame her…he found…he couldn't.
It was this thought in his mind and he walked into the record store, glad to see that it remained standing, even though he hadn't paid too much attention to it in the past year or two. Somehow, by the grace of God and all things rock and roll, his store had done well. W.B. had decided not to go through with selling out to that stupid laundromat chain, but he still gave the store to Hyde. Hyde was happy – the store meant money, which equated to beer, weed, and pussy – so he was cool.
And it eased the sting of having to call his dad a sellout.
Cuz that would've sucked.
At any rate, Hyde walked into the store looking for his favorite supplier – he had blown through his considerable stash the night before, and wanted to get some more. He knew there were other dealers in Point Place and Kenosha – he had tried them all before – but this was Leo. For all his confused ramblings, Leo knew his pot, man. And he would never give Hyde shit that sucked, or had been crossed with some crap. He had gone to a party once and was about to partake in a circle, when the chick that had taken the first hit started convulsing. The pot had been laced with a shitload of PCP, and the chick had to be sent to the hospital. Hyde vowed then to never smoke someone else's shit – in fact, since that party, Hyde got his pot from Leo exclusively. While Leo may not have been the sharpest pencil in the box, he loved Hyde like his own son, and would never let give Hyde pot that was laced with anything else but pure cannabis.
After a quick head nod to Forman, who was ringing up customers at the register, Hyde went to the back office where his favorite –well, only – dealer and worst employee was napping on his couch. Hyde sighed, not really wanting to wake Leo up…but…it had to be done. Regardless of the massive hangover he had, today was his doll's birthday, and there was no fucking way he was going to deal with all the things he found out today sober. Just no fucking way, man.
"Leo, hey, Leo! Man, wake up," Hyde bent over and shook Leo awake, wanting to just get his brown paper bag and leave.
"Hey, Hyde, dude! Hey, did you see that little dude from Fantasy Island running around here with Jeannie? She kept calling me Master, dude! It was far out, man," Leo woke up, chuckling.
"Sorry, Leo. That sounded like a really good dream," Hyde apologized. "Well, if you take out the dude from Fantasy Island, anyway."
"Dream? I was dreaming? Nah, man – I used to know this chick named Jeannie, man. She kept hanging out with this military dude – he was way uptight, ya know? But she dug him, although I never understood it. But whatever, man," Leo said, as he sat up on the couch in Hyde's office.
Hyde had to laugh. Only Leo would swear he knew the characters of I Dream of Jeannie personally.
"Okay, Leo. Hey, man, my stash – "
"Hyde, man, you wanna have a circle?"
Hyde smiled. "Leo, it's like you read my mind."
As Hyde took that first hit, felt the marijuana hit his system – he decided that maybe the universe was trying to tell him something. Maybe it was just…time to let Jackie go. Really and truly let go. After all the shit, and all the pain – pain that he caused, shit that he started – he couldn't blame Jackie for leaving. He had fucked up, and she deserved better.
"Hyde, man, you okay?"
Hyde looked up. "Yeah, man. I'm…I'm fine."
"Hey, dude, what happened to Loud Girl? I liked her, man. She was feisty," Leo said, smiling, passing Hyde the lit joint.
Hyde chuckled. Feisty. Yeah, Jackie was feisty.
She was his, too. Just…not anymore.
"Jackie's in New York, man," Hyde told him.
"Oh. Because of that stripper?"
Hyde looked at Leo, shocked. "What?"
"She left because of that stripper, right? Hyde, man – I didn't want to offend you or anything, but…I didn't like that stripper, man. She never gave me raisins like Loud Girl. Hey, did you know they're nature's candy?" Leo asked him seriously.
"Jackie…Jackie used to give you raisins?"
"Yeah, man!" Leo spoke excitedly. "She used to say that it was because you loved me, that's why she gave them to me. That since you loved me, she needed to love me, too. Cuz I was like your family, and she wanted to be your family, too."
Hyde looked at Leo, lit joint still in his hand, shocked.
"She-she said that? Jackie?"
Leo looked at his friend, and saw, even with his absent mind, what had Hyde tied up in knots. And even though he was as high as kite, couldn't remember where he stashed his car keys, couldn't even remember what frickin day it was – he knew this.
Loud Girl loved Hyde, man.
And Hyde loved her back.
And like the great John Lennon said, "All you need is love."
Who was Leo to argue with the greats?
"Hyde, man. You should go get Loud Girl. Cuz you love her and stuff. Ya know," Leo looked down, snuffing out the joint. "I was in love once. It was great, man. She was hot – and we got married and had a kid and everything. But I let so much other shit get in the way, dude. I just went out for what I wanted, and forgot what I needed, ya know?"
Hyde looked at Leo, awed at how completely sober he looked, and at how sincere his words sounded.
"I fucked up, Leo."
"But ya gotta try, right? I…I never tried. Don't be like me, dude."
I never tried.
Had he? Had Hyde…tried?
No.
He hadn't.
And then…clarity – who had never really before come to his doorstep – hit him.
Hard.
Jackie was…Jackie would love after him. Regardless of whatever bullshit she had told Mrs. Forman on the phone – he knew that Jackie would move on. She already sounded like she on her way there, being with that dude Nate or whoever.
Jackie could be happy without him. Jackie could be happy never hearing from him again.
But he…he couldn't.
He wouldn't.
Clarity, having not finished with beating Hyde into a pulp, hit him again.
Really hard.
He was in love with Jackie.
He didn't know when it happened, didn't know when she had crept into his heart and mind and soul and began to live there. But it didn't matter, man. It didn't. Because after everything's been said and done and repeated a billion times over, this one little fact would not, and could not, ever change – Jackie Burkhart would always have his heart, would always hold the key to it.
He was tired of pretending. Tired of acting her not being there didn't matter, tired of being so fucking zen all the fucking time and having had nothing to show for it. What the fuck had zen done for him lately? All the frickin zen in the world didn't make up for the fact that his doll was out there in New York, sucking face with some random dude who probably deserved her a helluva lot more than Hyde himself ever could. He was tired of the looks from all his friends, knowing that all of them to some degree blamed him for Jackie's departure. Tired of the looks of disappointment he kept getting from Red and Kitty – shit, even Bob was looking at him like that.
And – mostly – he was tired of looking at himself in the mirror every day, knowing that the one person who thought the man in the mirror was perfect – he had pushed her away, terrified that once she knew how much she was needed…would leave him.
And, irony – oh how he loved the fickle bitch – was that Jackie did leave.
Because she thought he didn't need her.
But need her he did.
And he was – finally – going to do something about it.