A/N: So I was thinking about inserting another past/AD chapter that would be about sex. It wouldn't be extremely graphic sex, but like the different kinds and what caused it and blah blah blah. Let me know if that's even a remotely interesting idea. At this point there's probably going to be one more chapter about the other dimension, and the rest will be during and post Avengers.
Once again, endless spoilers (this might not even be completely understandable if you haven't seen the movie) and if you look one line down you'll see that the 'f-word' is used.
So they were kind of fucked, at least enough so that Tony actually had to suit up. Steve wished he could eat his words, take Tony out of the suit and return to their argument. Imminent danger got old very quickly, innocuous yet impassioned debates were much easier to handle.
The airship had been attacked and at least one of the engines was disabled, but Tony always came prepared, so they had Iron Man. He wasn't looking forward to fixing the engine, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. He grumbled under his breath as his suit pieced together, cursing whoever had leaked the intel about the ship's shielding capabilities.
Everyone wanted to believe that Loki had put Hawkeye under some curse and that he wasn't acting of his own accord, but it was getting hard not to be a little annoyed with him now that hundreds of people were in danger.
Not to mention that Banner had Hulked and destroyed half the ship and was, according to recent sightings, falling to the ground and gaining speed at 9.81 meters per second, per second. Agent Romanoff had gotten back on her feet, though she still sounded rather shaken. Tony couldn't blame her; Banner was a chill guy normally, but the Other Guy scared the shit out of everyone. And she had to go neutralize one of the few people she trusted, which Tony found was never easy, especially after the shit with Obie.
Tony tried to focus while he restarted the engine, not wanting to fuck anything up but not wanting to have a panic attack either. He let his mind wander to anything but the metal whirring around him or the thousands of feet below him. And, you know, the possibility of getting crushed into a trillion pieces. He made a mental note to reinforce the suit with something stronger. If only he could get his hands on some vibranium.
As he gave Captain America directions, it became relatively obvious that the soldier was still way out of his time, so Tony needed to educate him a bit more. The scientist wanted to hide his face in his hands at the It seems to be powered by some sort of electricity! comment, but he was otherwise occupied. He would just have to explain it to Steve later, when everything was fixed and they could have an actual conversation.
Tony erased that thought from his mind and returned his attention to the task at hand; alone time with Steve was not what he wanted to be thinking about while encased in a metal suit without much wiggle room. Plus he had to save a bunch of peoples' lives, but that was just a minor detail.
"Pull the lever!" With their luck the Captain had no backup, and was obviously fighting off some of the rogues on the ship. Which didn't really work for Tony, who was soon going to be tossed around the bottom of the engine at unimaginable speeds if the lever wasn't pulled and the blades didn't slow down.
"I need a minute here!" Steve sounded almost out of breath, which would've worried Tony if he'd had the capacity to think beyond oh shit, I need to get out of here.
"Lever, now!" Tony insisted, making Steve get the message. If the lever wasn't pulled, there would a), be a dead superhero and b), be no one to fix the airship if the other engines failed. It couldn't be that hard to pull a fucking lever, fighting off other combatants aside. "Uh oh." Tony felt the engine speed up while his suit did not, and the next second he was getting spun around the engine like a rag doll.
Somehow, Captain America managed to lift an arm and pull the lever, saving Tony from a fast but still rather painful demise. Tony was shot out of the engine and his thrusters kicked in in the nick of time. He flew straight ahead, knocking down the person who was trying to gun Steve down. Once the guy was out for the count Tony rolled over to check on Steve. He sighed when he saw that the other man was still standing, though he was breathing heavily and sporting a few cuts.
After Loki had gotten away and Barton was on his way back to being unpossessed, Fury talked to them and told them what they needed to do. He'd guilted Steve with the blood-covered cards and baited Tony with the Avengers Initiative.
"The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more." Fury explained his idea, the one he'd covered up with all the Tesseract shit. "See if they could work together when we needed them to fight the battles that we never could. Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea. In heroes."
Tony'd had enough, so he abruptly stood and walked from the bridge. He'd heard it all before.
"Well, it's an old-fashioned notion." Fury said to Steve in Tony's wake. The super soldier had listened to all of Fury's words, had understood and empathized with his pain at losing Coulson, but he was more concerned about Tony's wellbeing. When he felt himself dismissed, he followed where the scientist had gone when he'd stormed out.
Tony had gone to look at the hole in the ship where Loki's cell had been. There was a tracking device on the cell, but it had been destroyed so Tony wasn't sure how they were going to locate Thor.
"Was he married?" Steve asked. Despite the man's obsession with him, he'd never really talked to Coulson about himself. Their conversations were all about the mission or Captain America.
"No. There was a, uh, cellist. I think." Tony answered. It wasn't easy talking to Steve about Coulson. The conversation made Tony see how dismissive he'd been of the senior agent, how he'd tried to get him out of Stark Tower as soon as he could so he could have more alone time with Pepper. Tony found himself wishing he'd just given the guy a chance to talk.
"I'm sorry. He seemed like a good man."
"He was an idiot." In retrospect, Tony thought of plenty of better ways to say what he meant. But Coulson had been an idiot, or at least acted like one.
"Why, for believing?" Steve was incredulous, disbelieving that even Tony didn't understand bravery and honor, and doing the job you were expected to do.
"For taking on Loki alone."
"He was doing his job." Tony wished he hadn't started the argument. 'Let's not fight anymore.' He imagined himself saying. "For Coulson, let's work this out." But Steve's words goaded him further, pushed him to prove his point.
"He was out of his league. He should've waited. He should've-"
"Sometimes there isn't a way out, Tony." Steve pleaded for Tony to understand, but the words came out a little condescending. Deep down, Steve was sure he'd seen stuff that would be too much for Tony to handle, had gone through things that had made him change in ways Tony didn't see.
"Right, never happened before."
"This the first time you lost a solider?"
"We are not soldiers!" Tony reminded Steve exasperatedly. Steve could be one; he could dress up in the red, white and blue and kill bad guys, but Tony? That would never be him. Sure, in the heat of the moment he could make the right choice, but he fought for himself. He wasn't courageous enough to do any better, and everyone could see it. "I'm not marching to Fury's fife."
"Neither am I. He's got the same blood on his hands as Loki. But right now we've got to put that aside and get this done. Loki needs a power source, if we can put together a list-"
"It's personal." First he'd taken Barton, then he'd killed Coulson, now he had the power and team for world destruction. It couldn't get more personal.
"That's not the point." This is the problem with civilians, Steve thought, they blow everything personal out of proportion. The bad guys always want a reaction, if you keep your cool they don't have as much power over you.
"That is the point. That's Loki's point. He'll get all of us right at where we live. Why?"
"To tear us apart."
"Yeah, divide and conquer's great, but he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what he wants! He wants to beat us, he must be seen doing it... he wants an audience."
"Right. We caught his act in Stuttgart..."
"Yeah. That's just previews. This is... this is opening night! And, Loki, he's a full-tilt diva; he wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a... monument built to the sky with his name plastered..." Tony's eyes connected with Steve's as they both realized where Loki was headed. "Son of a bitch!"
They'd headed out to get suited up together, and Tony found himself having some major déjà vu from the alternate dimension. It seemed like time was replaying itself, mocking him with memories he'd tried very hard to bury.
On the way to Manhattan Tony'd had some time to himself, and he'd related what had happened in the lab and directly after with how he and Steve had been before. They'd fought, it would be weird if they hadn't, but when they were good, they were great. Most of the fights had been stupid, anyways. They'd quarreled over minor problems like who had forgotten to install Jarvis II's new update (Tony) or why the living room couch smelled like sweat (Steve). Then they would get called in and Iron Man and Captain America's uncanny battlefield connection would fix everything. Or they would just fuck until they were too tired to fight anymore.
The argument in the lab had been much fiercer than any fight they'd had in the alternate dimension. There was real intent behind it and it was fueled by an anger that neither man knew they had until it was pushing to get out. It was all stuff they would both need to get out at some point, though Tony hoped they could do it through fucking instead of fighting. He knew it was probably a fruitless hope, but he'd made the impossible happen before.
Internally, Tony never had any problems thinking about his relationship with Steve. It had undoubtedly been one of the most productive times in his life, and he'd been relatively happy. It was just talking about or even acknowledging the alternate universe that was difficult. Their marriage was yet another notch on his bedpost of failures, a list that he would never admit to actually keeping tally of.
He tried to do that whole 'living in the moment' thing, but he also knew to learn from his many mistakes.. Though most of them weren't as bad as having a unsuccessful marriage, he thought. And just remembering it still hurt, which Tony was even less likely to disclose. He knew he didn't really have the right, but that didn't stop him from feeling like shit, it just made him feel worse.
His thoughts of the past hurt especially bad when he remembered the good times, what he'd lost. Sometimes it was the little things; Steve bringing him coffee in bed in the morning but finding something else to do so it was lukewarm at best when they were ready to get up. Or how sentimental the other man could be, even when he stuttered a bit or blushed, he was the only one Tony could stand to be sappy around. And since Tony didn't have the smallest amount of shame, he could admit that one of the major 'good things' about Steve was his body. It made Tony realize where fetishes like body worship came from, and why people were so into six packs.
But then there were the big things that he'd lost, the times he would only ever have in his mind. Like when Steve had 'accidentally' printed out adoption papers and Tony had felt his stomach drop and then turn into a million squirming worms. Getting married was one thing, but kids? Kids would really tie them together forever. And in an alternate dimension, no less.
Tony remembered the adoption papers sitting on the coffee table, left out because Steve kept forgetting the password to his office. He recalled sighing theatrically and almost yelling for Steve to please, come pick his crap up before realizing was it was.
For once Tony didn't care because it was Steve, and he really didn't give a fuck if anyone found out because up until that point he didn't know it was what he wanted, but in that moment it was all he ever could've asked for. So he'd left the papers on the coffee table and waited for Steve to come into the room. But Steve had come in as Captain America, all suited up with that look on his face that clearly said we need to go, now. It had been a rough fight, and if Tony recognized the papers he didn't say anything when one of his bots recycled them.
From his point of view, Steve really had printed out the adoption papers by accident. He'd been doing a bit of research, just for future's sake, and the smart computer he'd been using had caught on and printed them. Once they were printed out, he'd gone through them, reading all the guidelines and legal issues so he'd at least have an idea of what was to come if he ever brought it up with Tony. He'd thrown the papers on the coffee table when he'd been called in, not caring what happened to them or if Tony would be mad at him for leaving such personal things in a place where everyone who walked in the room could see.
Still, he often found himself wishing they'd had the chance to talk about having kids. Despite the fact that it would be physically impossible, he imagined a little five-year-old girl with his hair but Tony's eyes. Lily, he decided, one night when Thor somehow managed to get him drunk on Asgardian mead. Her name would be Lily and she would have Tony's awful disposition but Steve's ability to charm the pants off of anyone. And then there would be a little baby boy, a giggling brunette with shocking blue eyes and a knack for taking things apart.
Sometimes Steve thought kids could've saved them, if only from themselves. Maybe with a kid Tony wouldn't have worked such late nights, and Steve would've spent more time trying to pull his husband away from his work, instead of going to bed annoyed and alone. He tried not to linger on those thoughts.
When they returned to their dimension, and the shock of everything had passed, Steve tried to hate Tony. He wanted to hate how Tony never fought for him, not even once they were back in the real world, never spoke to him unless they cross paths through work. It wasn't until later when Pepper told him about all the times she had to stop Tony from drunk dialing him that Steve realized Tony wasn't the only one who didn't fight.
Steve wanted to hate him, but then he remembered late nights, or early mornings depending on how you look at it, and dragging Tony up to bed so they could get some sleep before whatever meeting was planned for the next day. He remembered waking up late because Tony managed to convince Jarvis II to turn off the alarm, and trying to be angry with the (technically) younger man, but then Tony would walk into their bedroom with nothing on but boxers and a coy smile. And who needs meetings when you have a very attractive millionaire, playboy, philanthropist in bed with you?
Those were Steve's little things, times that were brought back to him in crystal-clear visions when he least expected them. He'd be doing something simple like ordering coffee from Starbucks- which he'd never admit to because the stuff was awful- when some customer or barista would use one of Tony's mannerisms and Steve would freeze up. He got used to it after a while, what with how many people there were and how much they liked to talk, but each time was still an icy shock to the heart.
Or when he'd do his laundry, and he'd remember all the times he'd tried and failed to teach Tony the simple chore. His ex-husband had always been very, very liberal with the soap, which often led to bubble fights and Tony fixing the floor where the washing machine had flooded.
Steve would look at his laundry soap, the same fragrance as the one they'd used in the alternate dimension, close his eyes and sit down, and take some deep breaths on the harder days. He wondered if Tony used the same soap, if he smelled the same. He'd laugh harshly to himself, because why wouldn't he? It's not like Tony cared about what had happened between them. It's not like he wasted hours upon hours trying to just forget, like Steve had. It's not like he was devastated, like Steve was.
Because while Tony had Pepper to go back to, a whole life complete with Fortune 500 company and several houses in every developed country, Steve had nothing. Steve had a room at HQ and old newspaper clippings with pictures of people who died before anyone even began to unearth his body.