Helen Santos was a wreck. She had argued with Matt until after 2 in the morning.
She had stayed up long past 2 because she was unable to sleep once Matt closed
the debate. He had argued, debated, and reasoned, but Helen was having none of
it. She wanted her family out of this town and back in Houston where they could have
some semblance of normalcy for a few days.
Finally, Matt simply told her he was going to go ahead with his speech at the church
and she could wait at the hotel with the kids while he went, but he WAS going. Helen
slammed the bedroom door and sat up in the living area for hours afterward.
The Secret Service had determined that the shots fired came from one Latino man
who had fired in the air to warn off some members of the African American
contingent that he felt were becoming physically threatening. The man was under
arrest, and the Secret Service were convinced that the shots fired were not intended
to hit anyone, let alone the Democratic nominee for President. Still, Helen just
wanted to take her family home. Surely this incident was proof enough that tempers
were running too high for Matt to wade out in these waters.
If he insisted on going to the church, he was going to have to go alone. She wasn't
going to leave her children alone with the sitter they had hired to travel with them.
Not after yesterday.
But at 10:25, just minutes before he was scheduled to leave for the church, Helen
Santos appeared dressed and ready to go with him.
"You're coming with me?" Matt inquired.
"It looks that way." Helen replied and grabbed her purse; exiting the room behind the
Secret Service without another word.
Josh and Donna exchanged concerned glances but followed behind the Santos
couple. Josh was pretty tired himself; Helen Santos wasn't the only one who didn't
get much sleep the night before. The four of them rode together to the church but
not a word was spoken until they were pulling up to the church.
Josh handed the Congressman the most recent copy of the speech that David, in
conjunction with a little help from Sam Seaborn, had come up with. Matt just handed
it back to him without even looking at it.
"I know what I want to say." He said simply and got out of the limo. Helen paused
before she got out of the car and looked over at Josh. She had been so wrapped up
in the effects of the incident yesterday on her family, she had completely forgotten
that Josh may very well be dealing with some after effects himself.
"I realized this morning, that much to my shame, I never thanked you for all you did
for Miranda yesterday."
"Mrs. Santos-" Donna began.
"No. I was, understandably, distracted when we got back to the hotel, but later, after I
got Miranda to sleep, I should have come and talked to you; thanked you. Miranda
told me how you held her and tried to distract her by asking stupid questions during
your 20 questions game. It meant the world to me that someone was with her who
cared about her and tried to comfort her when she was alone and frightened. Thank
you." Helen kissed his cheek and followed her husband into the church.
Donna took Josh's hand and went to stand in the back of the church to listen to
Congressman Santos speak.
"Good morning. My prayers are with Ronnie Burke's family today. I know yours are
too. My prayers are with Officer Rafael Martinez and his family. They are not
struggling with the loss of a child, but they are struggling with a terrible truth. My
prayers are with those families and with this one.
"You know, I find myself on days like this casting about for someone to blame. I
blame the kid, he stole a car. I blame the parents. Why couldn't they teach him
better. I blame the cop, did he need to fire. I blame every one I can think of and I am
filled with rage. And then I try and find compassion. Compassion for the people I
blame. Compassion for the people I do not understand, compassion. It doesn't
always work so well. I remember as a young man listening on the radio to Dr. King in
1968. He asked of us compassion, and we responded, not necessarily because we
felt it but because he convinced us that if we could find compassion, if we could
express compassion, that if we could just pretend compassion, it would heal us so
much more than vengeance could. And he was right: it did but not enough. What
we've learned this week is that more compassion is required of us and an even
greater effort is required of us. And we are all, I think everyone of us, tired.
"We're tired of understanding, we're tired of waiting, we're tired of trying to figure out
why our children are not safe and why our efforts to to make them safe seem to fail.
We're tired. But we must know that we have made some progress and blame will only
destroy it. Blame will breed more violence and we have had enough of that.
"Blame will not rid our streets of crime and drugs and fear and we have had enough
of that. Blame will not strengthen our schools or our families or our workforce. Blame
will rob us of those things and we have had enough of that. And so I ask you today
to dig down deep with me and find that compassion in your hearts. Because it will
keep us on the road. And we will walk together and work together. And slowly, slowly,
too slowly, things will get better. God bless you. God bless you and God bless your
children."
The Congregation rose to its' feet when the Congressman finished his speech and
he shook many hands on his walk back down the aisle.
"That's why we're here, Joshua." Donna told him. "That's the man who should be the
next President." Josh nodded his agreement but kept his eye on Matt and Helen
Santos. There had been a lot of tension between them this morning.
The sight that lessoned his concern was when he saw Helen reach for her husband'
s hand while they walked out of the church side by side.
Chapter 19
"I don't feel like I've got your complete attention, Josh."
"Why is that Stanley?" Josh asked as he flicked through the cable news channels.
He was careful to keep the sound on mute, but with the news scrawl he could keep
up on the headlines without missing a beat.
"Probably because you're busy doing something else like looking over a report or
flipping through television channels." He commented and Josh froze mid-flip. That
was seriously freaky.
"Don't be ridiculous." Josh retorted but turned away from the TV just to be safe.
"How are things going?" Stanley asked again.
"Good. Fine. We're within the margin of error with Vinick, but we can't seem to push
past that point." Josh complained.
"Well, that's disappointing, I'm sure, but I was talking about how things are going for
you personally." Stanley drawled.
"Better." Josh replied succinctly.
"Why is it that for any other question you can give me 10 minute answer that
includes some vocabulary I'm unfamiliar with, but the second I ask about your
personal issues, I get a one word response?"
"I don't know Stanley, but you'd think that was the kind of thing a psychologist could
figure out. Damn." Josh involuntarily exclaimed when he turned back toward the TV
and saw a California newspaper was endorsing Vinick.
"What was that?" Stanley questioned.
"Uh…nothing…I just hit my foot on something while I was pacing around the room."
"Then stop pacing at sit down." Stanley advised him. "Donna tells me you haven't
been getting much sleep lately."
"We're in the final weeks of a Presidential campaign, Stanley, nobody has been
getting much sleep lately." Josh tells him, but plops down in a chair as instructed.
"True, but she tells me you're not even trying to get sleep when you can. Aren't you
afraid that's going to affect your decision making as you go into the final stretch?"
"Jesus, does she have to tell you everything? Isn't there some kind of confidentiality
clause or something?"
"Between you and me, yes, between Donna and me? Not so much. Why aren't you
sleeping Josh?"
"You know why I'm not sleeping Stanley. Sleep deprivation may affect some of my
decision making skills, but a nightmare induced psychotic episode will seriously put a
damper on things."
"Josh, you are not now, nor have you ever been psychotic. Believe me, I'm an expert
in this area."
"Well, I'd rather not have any evidence to the contrary at this point in the election
cycle."
"Who would know about the nightmares besides Donna?" Stanley asked.
"Ummm….you." Josh noted. "Then anyone who heard Donna talking to you about it
or you talking to me about it."
"I think you're way too smart to use such a shitty cop out." Stanley told him. "What
you're really concerned about is what is going to happen to you if you think too
much about what happened at the rally."
"Nothing happened at the rally. We're all fine; nobody was hurt."
"Maybe you weren't affected physically, although I wouldn't put any money on that,
but you were undoubtedly affected emotionally. Are you going to try to bullshit your
way out of that?"
"No." Josh answered in an uncharacteristically quiet voice. "I don't think I can go
there right now; delve into all of that. There's too much riding on this campaign and
on me. I can't afford to have some sort of mental breakdown."
"Ironically, it is by talking to a mental health professional that helps to avoid mental
and emotional breakdowns." Stanley waited for a reply and when none was
forthcoming, he decided to push a little more. Doing therapy over the phone had
distinct disadvantages. He couldn't see Josh so he was unable to tell if Josh was
stonewalling him or just lost in thought about something they were discussing. "Have
you and Donna picked a wedding date yet?"
"Whoa, that was a bit of a conversational jump Stanley.' Josh chuckled.
"Not really. The last time you were going through something like this, you were
alone. If and when you had a nightmare or a PTSD episode, you could hide it pretty
easily."
"Not from Donna." Josh corrected him. "She knew something was wrong before I did."
"Yeah, and that was from a distance. Now she's living with you, sleeping with you; I
don't imagine there's any privacy, especially working a national campaign."
"What's your point?" Josh asked wearily.
"My point is, that if you trust Donna enough to marry her, you should trust her
enough to let her see what you're going through. So I was just wondering if you had
set a date."
"We're a little busy trying to get a man elected President over here."
"I wasn't implying that you should get married before Election Day, Josh, but picking
a date might make you feel a little more secure in your relationship with Donna."
"I'm already secure in my relationship with Donna. She's the one who keeps putting
off setting a date."
"Really…"
"Yes, really. So much for your theory that 'Josh is afraid to make a commitment'."
"I never said I thought you were afraid to make a commitment. I think you're eager to
make a commitment. But I also think you're worried that Donna isn't." Stanley argued.
"That's complete bullshit." Josh sat up straighter and his voice got a little louder.
"She's always on the phone with somebody or other about wedding plans."
"And yet, she never agrees to set a date."
"She wants to wait until after the election to do that." Josh's defense sounded weak
even to his own ears. "So what?"
"So somebody could read all kinds of things into that. Then when you throw in the
complications from PTSD, one could even be concerned that confronted with the
evidence of a lifetime of dealing with this issue, someone might change their mind
about setting a date at all."
"Go to hell, Stanley." Josh said intently into the phone.
"That's what you're really afraid of isn't it, Josh? That if Donna sees how damaged
you are she won't want to marry you anymore. And now, after all these years of
waiting, of resisting temptation, she's finally with you in every way a woman can be
and all you can think about is what will happen to you if she changes her mind."
"Why are you doing this?" Josh whispered carefully into the phone.
"Until you can verbalize what it is that's scaring you, you can't do anything about it."
Stanley told him, losing patience with Josh's stubbornness.
"People with guns scare me, Stanley." Josh replied.
"No, Josh, it's the nightmares and the anxiety attacks from the people with guns that
scare you." Stanley corrected him. "You need to talk to me and you need to talk to
Donna, or I swear that you will be helpless to do anything except push her out of
your life."
Stanley's prediction sent chills down Josh's spine, but there was no way he was
going to let Donna see how weak and powerless the PTSD made him.
"Josh, tell me about the nightmares. Let's start there."
"I…I can't right now. I have to go." Josh lied and Stanley was having none of it.
"Donna said she cleared your schedule for an hour." Stanley reminded him.
"Regardless of what you both think Donna doesn't know everything. I have to go."
Josh shouted at Stanley right before he hung up the phone with a snap. He was in
desperate need of a drink, Josh decided, and went out into the living room of the
hotel suite he shared with Donna to retrieve a drink from the mini-bar. He was
startled when he saw Donna lying on the couch reading some reports. She looked
just as startled to see him.
"Are you done with Stanley already?" Donna asked. "He told me to clear an hour for
him."
"He had an emergency." Josh lied no better to Donna than he had to Stanley. He
tried to avoid eye contact with her as he got a beer from the mini-bar and kept his
back to her while he popped the top and took a long swallow.
"Josh?" Donna had moved up to a sitting position on the couch. He answered her
without turning around.
"I'd like you to go to Oregon with Helen tomorrow. She may need your help preparing
for the speech and the Q & A there. They just passed the universal health care bill
for all residents under 5 and it's going to bring up a lot of the Congressman's
initiatives."
"But that's a three day swing." Donna noted. "I thought you wanted me here to prep
Leo for his debate?"
"Leo's got me and he's got Lou. We'll be fine." Josh responded. He'd turned around
to face her direction but he still wasn't looking at her.
"Helen has given that speech a thousand times and-"
"Would you stop debating me and just do what I ask you to do for once?!" Josh
exploded.
Donna blinked in surprise at his harsh tone and waited for him to realize the line he'd
just crossed and apologize, but he just continued drinking.
"Josh. Would you like to talk about your conversation with Stanley?" Donna offered
quietly.
"What I'd like is for you to do your job and stay the hell out of my head." Josh said as
he walked to the door and slammed it behind him as he left the suite. Donna sat
stunned by his outburst. She was tempted to call Stanley herself, but she was afraid
Josh would just take that as another betrayal.
When Josh returned to their room around 7 am, Donna and her things were gone.
He felt sick and relieved all at the same time. He didn't have to be at their strategy
meeting for another 2 hours, so he decided to take a nap until then. He stripped off
his clothes and after requesting a wake up call for 8:45, he slid into bed and fell into
an exhausted sleep. The nightmare came just as he expected it would and when he
woke with his heart pounding in his chest, struggling to get air into his lungs, he was
at least grateful for the fact that he was alone.
****************************
Helen watched Donna carefully for the first hour of the flight. Donna's head was
bobbing as she struggled to stay awake. She looked absolutely exhausted, but
beyond that she looked incredibly sad.
Helen waffled back and forth for awhile over whether or not to approach their
campaign spokesperson. Finally she sat down next to Donna and handed her a cup
of coffee.
"You look like you could use some of that." Helen smiled at her.
"I don't know…does it have any whiskey in it?" Donna tried to joke, but it came up
flat.
"I don't think we should start the whiskey before the luncheon." Helen opined. "Josh
would certainly have both our heads on a pike if he found out."
Donna gave a half-smile in response and Helen's antenna went all the way up.
"Donna, are you okay?" Helen asked quietly.
"Sure…" Donna sipped some of her coffee, but couldn't keep her smile in place. Her
lips quivered and her eyes filled. Helen leaned closer and put her arm on Donna's.
"What's wrong?" Helen inquired.
"Josh is…there's something wrong with Josh and he won't talk to me about it." Donna
admitted. "He doesn't want me asking him about it either. That's why he sent me on
this swing with you. He doesn't want even want me near him." A couple tears slipped
down her face.
"I know that's not true." Helen said adamantly. "I can't pretend to understand Josh
Lyman all the time, but I do know that man adores you." That statement just made
Donna cry more. "Donna, what can I do?"
"Nothing. Neither of us can do anything." Donna told her. "We'll just get through this
swing and hope he's been able to sort a few things out by the time we get back."
"Well I, for one, am very glad your plans changed." Helen explained. "We haven't
had enough time on the road together lately. I've been stuck with either Lester or
Lou and neither one of them seems to have an appreciation for the Sisterhood."
That got a smile out of Donna. "You know, you may be right. I think it's time to
remind everyone that women make up the majority of the electorate."
Chapter 20
"The AP is reporting that Mrs. Santos called for birth control to be covered by health
care plans." Ronna hesitantly told Josh when she interrupted Leo's debate prep. Josh
made no response. Ronna exchanged glances with Leo, who shrugged. "She said if the
Republicans are serious about reducing abortions, they should join with the
Congressman in demanding that birth control be covered by health insurance."
Still no response from Josh.
"Maybe we should throw something into the Congressman's next stump, just to clarify
things." Lou suggested.
"Don't worry about it." Josh finally spoke up. Nobody replied. "It's just a little love note
from Donna. Don't worry about it. Annabeth, I want Otto playing Sullivan for our next run
through."
"I'll take care of it." Annabeth promised.
"David, let's come up with another answer on the school vouchers." Josh instructed.
"What's wrong with the answer we've got?" David inquired.
"I could say that it sounded moronic, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, so let's just
say it missed the mark." Josh told him.
"Oh-Kay." David got up and left the room. Annabeth gave Josh a dirty look.
"What? I re-phrased it." Josh defended himself.
"It doesn't help much when you re-phrase it out loud instead of in your head." Lou
noted. Josh's temper had been at record proportions the last two days and few had the
courage to call him on it. Lou, however, was one of them.
"He's a big boy." Josh maintained. "That's all people. Everyone back here at 3 for a final
run through." The room emptied except for Leo and Josh.
"Donna's sending you love notes through the AP?" Leo asked.
"We've never been a traditional couple." Josh answered without looking at Leo.
"Truer words were never spoken. Still…I can't help but notice you've been a little more
on edge than is typical for you at this point in a campaign. I'm hoping that's not entirely
due to my lackluster performance in these debate practices."
"You're doing fine." Josh lied smoothly. "This is all new for you, which is why we do this
prep."
"Very nice piece of misdirection, son, but why don't you tell me why Donna is
communicating with you through AP and Stanley hasn't been able to get in touch with
you for the last few days."
"I've been a little busy, in case you haven't noticed, and what the hell is Stanley doing
calling you anyway?" Josh demanded.
"He was a little concerned when you refused to answer or return any of his calls. He
called me to find out if you were unconscious or something."
"Not yet." Josh quipped.
"You need to call Stanley back, Josh. In fact now would be a good time." Leo suggested.
"Maybe you haven't noticed but I don't work for you anymore Leo. You can't order me to
call Stanley or do anything else." Josh told him forcefully and Leo was surprised by the
anger he saw in Josh's eyes. Leo felt the pain of Josh's jab stab him right in the heart.
"You think this is about work?" Leo asked, the hurt he felt evident in his voice.
"I think that my communication with Stanley and Donna is none of your business." Josh
replied.
Leo blinked. "This is why you sent Donna on the swing with Helen. You're pushing her
away too, aren't you? Did you suffer some blow to the head that is impairing your
cognitive functions?"
"Don't talk to me like that, you're not my father." Leo doubted Josh could have said
anything designed to hurt him more.
"That's really too bad since you could use one right now who could kick your ass for
treating the woman you love like shit." Leo opined. "But as you say, that's your personal
screw up and none of my business. What is my business is how you're running this
campaign and treating our staff. You'd better straighten up soon, or I swear to God,
Joshua, Matt Santos and I will bench you." Leo threatened before he left Josh alone.
When the team re-convened at 3 for the final run through before the debate that night,
Leo was all business and didn't look at or talk to Josh at all. The run through went as
well as could be expected but Leo was still shaky. On top of that, someone was leaking
details of Leo's less than stellar performance to the press and Josh was on a rampage
about it.
Leo finally called an end to the whole deal, claiming he needed food and some down
time before the debate started. The room emptied out completely leaving Josh in a
solitary confinement of his own making. He was thinking about going back to his hotel
room but Donna was returning shortly and he didn't want to deal with that before the
debate. So he stayed and worked in the conference room, skipping dinner and ignoring
anyone who came by.
At 6:00, just 60 minutes before the debate was due to begin. There was a knock on the
conference room door.
"Josh Lyman?" a young voice asked.
"Yeah, what do you need?"
"I have a delivery for you." The young man told him and began to unpack cartons of
food. Josh opened them to find a burnt hamburger, fries, and a salad.
"Thanks." Josh said quietly and handed the kid a tip. It looked like Donna was back.
"Donna!" Annabeth exclaimed when she opened her hotel room door. "You're back. You
and Helen have done a great job the last few days." Annabeth looked curiously at the
luggage Donna was toting behind her. "Did you get locked out of your room?"
"Not exactly." Donna fidgeted nervously. "Would it be okay if I stayed here tonight,
Annabeth?"
"Of course." She agreed without any hesitation. "Is everything okay, Donna? Never
mind, of course everything isn't okay or you wouldn't be bunking with me. Can I do
anything?"
"No, but thanks. I need to work some things out with Josh, but I don't want to disturb him
before the debate. He's going to have to do spin and respond to press…"
"I get it." Annabeth assured her. "But aren't you coming down to the auditorium too?"
"It's kind of in my job description, so yes, but I wish I would skip it." Donna admitted.
"Leo did a little better in our last run through." Annabeth grinned. "However, that's not
saying much."
"Annabeth!"
"Donna, I adore the man, you know I do, but seriously…I'm concerned about tonight."
"Why don't we ignore the last part of that statement and concentrate on this first. I
couldn't help but notice there seems to be an electric current in the air between you and
our Vice-Presidential candidate." Now it was Donna's turn to grin.
Annabeth tilted her head. "You don't think it's a bad idea? Leo is always going on about
our difference in age."
"I think that although it would be nice, we don't get to choose who we fall in love with."
Donna offered. "I think if you're lucky enough to find that with someone, you shouldn't
give it up over the small stuff."
"Are you taking your own advice, Dr. Donna?"
"Unfortunately, the stuff with Josh isn't small stuff. So I need to be cautious about how
and when I proceed, but I have no intention of giving it up."
Annabeth nodded, pleased with Donna's answer. "Then let's get changed and head to
the auditorium. We may have a long night ahead of us."
The debate was terrific; Leo had been lowering expectations all along it seemed. Donna
and Annabeth exchanged happy grins as it concluded and they, along with the rest of
the staff, gathered around Josh for their marching orders.
"Looks like Leo messed with all of us this week." He noted. "He gave us plenty to work
with so go out and sell it. The numbers are telling us that health care and education
were the topics to hit tonight, so please emphasize the details of the Santos Health and
education plans. I'm on my cell if anyone needs me."
Josh watched as Donna walked away without a word to him. He couldn't really discuss
anything with her now, anyway, but he would have liked to have at least had a word or
two with her. It couldn't be helped; he guessed and turned to face the reporters coming
his way. They'd have time and privacy to talk tonight in their hotel room after the post
debate spin.
Josh hadn't seen Donna in almost an hour by the time he finished up at the debate site.
He figured she'd gone back to the hotel with some of the others. When he entered their
rooms it was eerily quiet. Maybe she went out for drinks with the gang or something.
Though it hurt that he hadn't been included in their plans, he didn't really blame them
for excluding him given the way he'd been acting lately.
He settled down on the couch determined to wait up for her until she returned and
turned on the TV to catch some late night election coverage. The next thing he knew,
he woke up from dozing to see that it was after 3 AM. First, he felt a trickle of alarm that
Donna wasn't back yet. Then a though occurred to him. He went back to their bedroom
and saw none of her stuff. Even if she went out with everyone after the debate, she
would have first dropped off her luggage and stuff, yet none of it was present. Donna
wasn't coming back here after all, it seemed.
Josh threw himself down on the bed and fell into a restless sleep. He thought he was still
dreaming when he heard her call his name.
"Josh? Josh, wake up."
"Donna? You came back." In his half conscious state, he moved automatically to touch
her face with his hand. "What time is it?"
"A little after 5. You have to get up. There's been a nuclear accident at a power plant in
San Andreo California." Donna said urgently. "The Congressman wants everyone in his
suite right away."
Without another word, she turned and left him looking after her.
Chapter 21
"I say we go completely dark. Let the press go after Vinick on their own." Josh
suggested.
"I'm fine doing nothing on this issue." Santos replied.
"I mean nothing on any issue... We just stay right here." Josh countered and Donna
could see the wheels turning in the Congressman's head. Because she had some
discussions with Helen, she knew Matt was concerned about Josh's state of mind. Now,
she imagined, Matt was trying to decide if Josh was brilliant or insane.
"Okay, we go dark." Matt agreed and several members of the staff left to cancel
engagements and inform the press of their change in plans.
Donna risked a look at Josh. His eyes were heavy lidded and had dark circles
underneath them. She resisted the urge to go to him. It would have to wait until they had
a moment alone. Matt Santos turned up the television as news clips of Vinick touting
nuclear energy during the debate were being played over and over.
Tracy, the sitter who traveled with the Santos family, came in. "Mrs. Santos, Miranda
woke up crying again. Can you come?"
"Of course." Helen hurried out of the room. Donna knew, because she'd been traveling
with Helen and the kids, that Josh wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping, but she
could see the look of concern that crossed Josh's face at the thought that Miranda was
suffering.
"Congressman, is Miranda…has she been having…is she alright?" Josh asked.
"She's been having bad dreams since the shooting. She seems okay during the day,
but something happens at night." Matt told Josh who really needed no explanation of
how that could happen.
Donna couldn't watch the interaction. She went over to the laptop set up on the table
and began a search.
Two hours later, she was standing in front of Matt and Josh holding the valuable
information she'd uncovered.
"Vinick pushed the licensing commission to get San Andreo up and running 25 years
ago." She told them and handed the paper to Josh who shared it with Matt. They read it
twice before looking back up at Donna. Matt handed it back to her.
"Hide it under a mattress." He instructed her before turning to Josh. "We are not leaking
that."
"I'm fine with that for now, but there may come a time we need to help the story along,
sir."
Matt indicated the television that was doing nothing but covering San Andrea and Vinick'
s statements about nuclear power over the years. "I think the story is getting along just
fine without us. You were the one who convinced me we can't appear to be making
political capital out of this."
"Again, there may come a time-"
"No." The Congressman repeated, then made eye contact with Donna to be sure
everyone understood his intentions. She nodded her comprehension.
Various staffers had been coming in and out of the Santos suite for hours without giving
even a cursory knock on the door, so it surprised Josh when he heard several loud raps
on the door to the suite. Puzzled, he walked over and opened the door to none other
than Stanley Keyworth.
Stanley walked in without invitation, merely nodding his head toward Joshua. Josh
turned an accusatory glance at Donna.
"What the hell did you do?" he demanded.
"I made a phone call, Joshua; at the request of the Congressman, to-"
"Then the CONGRESSMAN can damn well meet with him." Josh exploded. "I'm busy
running a Presidential campaign right now."
"Doesn't look like you're doing much at all, actually." Stanley interjected.
"We're not." Matt agreed. "We've decided to stay dark today, maybe tomorrow too
depending on how this plays out. However, I-"
Matt was interrupted by the arrival of Helen Santos.
"Dr. Keyworth?" she guessed. "Thank you so much for taking the time. When Donna
told me how good you were and that you were relatively close by, I took advantage of
the relationship you have with her and asked her to call in a favor for Miranda."
"It's not a problem, Mrs. Santos. That's what we do at ATVA." Stanley responded.
"Helen, please. I just wanted to be sure that you know how much Matt and I appreciate
the trip you made out here. Where do you think it would be best to talk to Miranda?"
"Anyplace that she feels comfortable, Helen, would be fine."
"Tracy is going to take Peter down to swim for a bit, so you could use the kids' room."
Helen suggested. "Did you want to speak to her alone, or should one of us be with her?"
"I'd like you to stay until she gets to know me a bit, then I'll send you on an errand."
"Then you'll meet with us and let us know how it went?" Matt inquired.
"Absolutely, Congressman." Dr. Keyworth assured them both.
"Come right this way and I'll introduce you to Miranda." Helen gestured the direction and
Stanley followed behind her. As he passed an open mouthed Josh, he quietly said,
"Some people are actually glad to see me." and cracked a small smile before
disappearing into the kids' bedroom with Helen.
Josh pivoted back to Donna, mindless of their audience. "You called Stanley for
Miranda?"
"People involved in traumatic events frequently need help." Donna let that set in a
moment before she continued. "When Helen asked my advice about what they could do
for Miranda, I suggested calling Stanley at ATVA."
"Since we're sitting here, just a couple hours from his office, it seemed like the perfect
opportunity to set something up." Matt added.
"Yeah, he's…he's very good." Josh noted.
"He certainly is." Donna agreed with a pointed look at Josh before she too, left the room.
"You need to go talk to her Josh. Now would be a good time." Matt suggested. Josh only
hesitated a second before hurrying after her. He caught up with her in the hallway, just
before she let herself into Annabeth's room.
"Donna, wait…" Josh called to her from down the hall. "Can I…can we talk for a minute?"
"Sure." Donna answered but didn't move from in front of Annabeth's door.
"Someplace more private than a hotel hallway?" Josh suggested. Donna nodded and
pulled out the extra key card to let them into Annabeth's room, but Josh stopped her.
"You got a different room?" he asked, his face all scrunched up with hurt.
"I stayed with Annabeth last night." Donna corrected him.
"Why?"
"I didn't think you wanted company." Donna told him plainly.
"I did." Josh told her and she looked at him skeptically. "I sort of did."
"I need a little more than to be sort of desired for company."
"I know." Josh admitted. "Will you come back to our room with me? To talk? If you don't
want to stay with me, that's fine…well, it isn't fine, but I mean-"
"I know what you mean, Joshua."
"You always do…Will you come back with me?" he asked frightened of the answer she
might give either way.
Donna simply nodded and followed him further down the hall to where they had been
staying together. Josh impressed himself and Donna by getting the door unlocked on
the first try.
Once they were inside, Josh got them both a bottle of water form the frig before sitting
across from her in the sitting area.
"What are you doing Josh?" Josh's head popped up at her blunt question. "Why are you
pushing me away from you?"
"I'm not trying to push-"
"The hell you're not." Donna replied hotly, tired of the denial. "If you've had some
change of heart about us.."
"Donna, no, I swear, that's not what this is about."
"Then what is it about?" she pushed.
"I'm not entirely sure." Josh said sadly.
"Gee, maybe you could talk to someone and try to find out." Donna drawled. "If only we
knew someone in the mental health profession…someone who could talk you through
this and help you sort things out."
"Please don't mock me right now."
"Then don't treat me like this, Josh." Donna responded. "I have done nothing but try to
help you, and you have done nothing but try to hurt me for it."
"I couldn't…I didn't want you to see me like this."
"Like what?" Donna asked incredulously. "Hurt, scared, upset?"
"Mentally unbalanced!" Josh shouted.
"Josh Lyman I've worked with you for 8 years, if you don't think I've seen you mentally
unbalanced on more than once occasion you are sadly mistaken."
"This is not funny, Donna."
"It certainly isn't." she agreed. "It's not funny that you would ask me to marry you and
then at the first sign of trouble, ship me off on a campaign swing to avoid talking to me
either."
"That's not what I- okay, it's a little what I did." Josh admitted. "I didn't want you to see
me falling apart. I'm a mess Donna, and Stanley or no Stanley, there is no cure for
PTSD."
"How can someone as bright as you be so blatantly stupid?" Donna asked sincerely and
had Josh bobbling his bottle of water. "When you came to Germany, I was about as
broken as anyone could be. They told us there was a chance I'd never walk again. If
that had been the case, would your feelings for me be any different?"
"Of course not." Josh answered.
"Then why would mine change about you because of what you're going through?"
"It seems too much to ask anyone to deal with. I have all these scars, Donna."
"I've seen every one of them. Your scars are part of who you are; of the man I love."
"I just don't get why."
"You're an idiot." Donna answered. "And you don't have to get why I love you, but you
do need to believe that I do." Donna leaned closer to him and kissed him softly. "I've
missed you so much, Josh."
"I've missed you, too." He said quietly and kissed her back. It quickly became heated
before pulling away to look into her eyes. "It wasn't just this that I missed." He indicated
the physical contact. "I missed talking to you, holding you…just being with you. Don't
stay in Annabeth's room anymore."
"Okay." Donna agreed and earned a grin from Josh. A hour later when Donna went
back to Annabeth's room to get her things, she opened the door to find Leo and
Annabeth engaged in a very serious discussion and Leo was holding her hand; which
he quickly dropped when he spotted Donna.
"I'm so sorry." Donna apologized. "I was just coming to get my things. I'll come back
later." She exited before they had a chance to say a word. When she returned to her
room, Josh looked at her lack of belongings with puzzlement.
"Where's your stuff?"
"I'm going to have to get it later. It seems I interrupted Annabeth and Leo."
"They can do campaign stuff while you get your things." Josh said obtusely.
"No, Joshua, I interrupted Annabeth and Leo." Donna repeated and watched as her
fiancé struggled to interpret what she was saying.
"Annabeth and Leo doing what…Oh, you've got to be kidding me!"
"I'm really not."
"But he's…she's…"
"Don't you dare, Josh Lyman. You just take care of your own personal relationship and
keep your nose out of theirs. Understand?"
"No problem." Josh shook his head. "I wouldn't be caught within a city block of
discussing that with anyone."
It was nearly dinner time when Josh got the call he'd been waiting for. He told Donna he
was leaving and walked down the hall to 'accidentally' run into Stanley Keyworth as he
left the Santos suite.
"Josh, funny running into you here." Stanley said sarcastically.
"I asked the Congressman to call before you left." Josh replied seriously. "I know I don't
have an appointment or anything, but I was hoping maybe I could buy you some dinner
and we could talk."
"Josh Lyman, are you asking me out?" Stanley asked and had Josh barking out a laugh.
"Maybe if I weren't in a committed relationship right now." Josh teased back.
"Are you in a committed relationship right now?" Stanley shot back.
"December 20th." Josh replied.
"Pardon me?"
"Our wedding date. We set it a couple hours ago." Josh explained.
"That does sound committed. Well then, since a relationship is out, I guess I'll settle for
dinner." Stanley quipped and slapped Josh's shoulder while they walked to the hotel
restaurant.
Chapter 22
"December 20th, huh? Where is this momentous event going to take place?" Stanley
asked after they'd ordered their dinner.
"The White House." Josh broke into one of his famous grins. "Dr. Bartlet is apparently
insisting."
"A White House wedding after a year of Presidential campaigning and, what, 6 weeks
after the Presidential election?" Stanley noted. "Just how are you going to pull that off?"
"They're called mothers, Stanley. We each have a biological one, and then there's Dr.
Bartlet, who has kind of adopted both of us. The big bonus is that they'll take care of
everything and Donna will be spared any more of the planning calls. It's a win/win."
"That should be something to see." Stanley commented.
"We'll make sure you get tickets." Josh assured him before sobering his expression. "I'm
sorry I lied to you the other day; about having to get off the phone."
"This may shock you, but it isn't the first time someone has lied to me to avoid talking
about a painful subject. It isn't even the first time that YOU'VE lied to me to avoid talking
about a painful subject."
"Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry about that."
"So why did you decide to talk now?"
"I figured if an eight your old child could deal with her demons I ought to be able to deal
with mine…plus, I sort of promised Donna." Josh's trademark dimples appeared.
"That I believe." Stanley responded. "Tell me about the shooting."
"There's not much to tell that you haven't already gotten from the news, Stanley."
"I couldn't get your perspective from the news."
"We were walking to the rally. Miranda and I had fallen a little behind the rest of her
family. She was asking me questions and it was hard to hear her, so we had to stop a
couple times…Anyway, she had just pointed something out to me in the crowd when we
hit the ground. The Secret Service was on top of us. Next thing I knew I was carrying her
to a van, the agent with us shoved us inside and we sped away. Miranda was practically
hysterical. The rest of her family was in a different vehicle. They wouldn't even let us
talk to them until we were back at the hotel."
"An hysterical 8 year old girl who'd been separated from her family. How did you handle
that?"
"I've gotten to know Miranda pretty well during the campaign, mostly because she
adores Donna and is always hanging around her. I just held her, talked to her, and tried
to distract her."
"That's about all you can do in that situation Josh. How did Miranda respond?"
"She was still upset. 20 questions distracted her a bit, but I could tell she was still
scared."
"She told me you suck at 20 questions." Stanley smiled.
"Isn't it like a break of confidentiality to tell me what she told you?"
"She also said she didn't know what would have happened to her if you hadn't been with
her."
"The agents were right there. She'd have been fine." Josh insisted.
"Maybe, but that wasn't her perception. In her mind, you saved her. Just like in your
mind, you didn't save Joanie."
"This has nothing to do with Jo-"
"Are you going to try to tell me that wasn't going through your mind as the van was
speeding to the hotel? An eight year old child, separated from her family, wondering if
anyone in her family was injured or dead. You're way too bright not to see the parallels."
Josh rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. "I just wanted my mom and dad; the night
of the fire. I just wanted to see them or hear their voices. Every time Miranda asked for-
begged for her parents it made shivers go down my spine."
"How could it not? Then you compound that with memories from Rosslyn…I'm surprised
you were still able to stand when you got to the hotel."
"It was close, but I made it to our room before my knees buckled." Josh looked lost for
moment before he continued. "I sank to the floor and if I'd had the power of movement, I
would have left before Donna got back."
"I would have thought that was the one person you'd want to see. Having someone you
love beside you when you're going through difficulties is one of the best things about
having someone you love."
"Not when the someone you love is me."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that anyone who gets too close to me is… I'm a catastrophe magnet, Stanley.
It's like some kind of Midas touch in reverse."
"So far, I seem to have avoided any freak accidents." Stanley responded.
"That's because we've mostly interacted over the phone." Josh countered.
"You seriously believe that your relationship with people puts them at risk?"
"I feel like it does." Josh corrected him. "My sister, my Dad, the President, Leo, Donna,
even Miranda-"
"Whoa…slow down." Stanley interrupted.
"It's the truth Stanley."
"It feels like the truth, Josh." Stanley threw his own words back at him. "You're not
keeping Donna safe by keeping her away from you, you're keeping yourself isolated
and hurting the woman you love."
"I don't want to hurt her." Josh insisted.
"No, you want to save her; and in this case that means removing her from close
proximity to you. It's the same dynamic that's been playing out for you since you ran out
of a house that was on fire."
"I'm not…Stanley, I'm not saying-" He was interrupted by the waiter delivering their
dinners. "Thank you." He said to the waiter. "I'm not saying that what happened when I
was kid-"
"You mean the fire that took your sister's life."
"Yes." Josh said shortly.
"And the fact that you're pushing Donna, and anyone else you care about away from
you also keeps anyone from seeing how disturbed you've been since the shooting at
the rally."
"Yes." Josh said again.
"Just like you've had to learn how to remember Rosslyn without re-living it? You're also
going to have to remember the fire without feeling like you're responsible for your sister'
s death."
"But-"
"There's an 8 year old girl upstairs who would tell you what your presence and your
connection with her meant to her when she was scared and vulnerable. There's a
woman upstairs who would tell you how you've changed her life forever since the very
first day you met her. Your Dad, the President, Leo; each one would tell you that you've
added to their lives, not detracted from them."
"What about Joanie?"
"What about her?"
"You're not going to give me some line about how it wasn't my fault she died in that fire?"
"You know that already."
"Then why did this, bring all that, back into my head? Into my nightmares?"
"I believe being with Miranda is what set everything off. It was just too close a
resemblance to what you went through; except for the tragic ending. You're biggest fear
is someone you love leaving you, but it's inevitable that people will leave you Josh. It isn'
t punishment and it isn't personal."
Josh continued to pick at his food, but Stanley could see he wasn't really interested in
eating.
"What if this…I…get worse?"
"PTSD isn't progressive, Josh."
"I know that, but things were going really well for awhile. Now it all feels like it's going to
hell again."
"It's a temporary thing. The more you talk about it, the more you share your fears, the
more bearable things will be and you'll get back to a place where you're doing really
well."
"How soon could I expect that to happen, exactly?"
"The less you hang up on your therapist, the sooner it will occur." Stanley told him,
tongue in cheek.
"The nightmares…they're pretty intense. All the scenes get mixed up together. Rosslyn,
the rally, the fire, even Gaza and I wasn't even there!" Josh complained.
"But someone you love was." Stanley pointed out. "Your emotional psyche is trying to
sort everything out. People who've been through trauma have to work through it and if
they don't do it consciously, then the unconscious will take care of it."
"Right."
"In the meantime, I wouldn't have a problem giving you a short term prescription for
some sleeping pills; provided you keep our telephone appointments."
"You're not worried about giving me sleeping pills?"
"Do you think you're suicidal Josh?"
"No, but I don't feel like I'm in control either."
"That would be because you're not. That's part of your problem. When you're in charge
of everything you're responsible for everything. Maybe it's time to admit you're not in
charge and let go of some of that responsibility."
"I can try."
"Josh, that's all any of us can do."