Author's note: Yes, I am aware that this took a heinously long time to come. It was a pretty tricky write, and things cropped up IRL (damn that stygian hellhole!). Delays happened, you know how it is.
In any case, thank you for your patience, and for the reviews you have all been so kind to give. I love you all! Except for you, Clive, you will never earn my love.
Chapter 2-Spelunking, Spiders and Dragon Baiting
"Great eight above, what do we do? What do we do?"
"For a start, it would help if you stopped panicking," Ralof said to Lorentus as he hopped up and down on the spot, wringing his hair.
"WHAT DO WE DO?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"
"We're getting out of here."
"THERE IS A DRAGON OUT THERE! A DRAGON! A BIG, FIRE BREATHING DRAGON THAT'S EATING EVERYONE AND SOMEHOW FLYING ABOUT IN COMPLETE DEFIANCE OF THE LAWS OF PHYSICS! IT CAN BREAK PHYSICS! HOW DO WE STOP SOMETHING THAT CAN BREAK PHYSICS! WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK OUT THERE?!"
"We can get out of here through the rest of the castle!" Ralof snapped. "There's a whole load of caves underneath it, we can escape through those."
Lorentus paused.
"So we don't have to go back out there?" he asked.
"No."
"Oh. Why didn't you say so?"
Ralof merely shook his head.
"Never mind," he said, casting around the large, circular room that they had fled into. There was a dead Stormcloak lying slumped against a wall, and the Nord nodded at the body. "Might as well take Gunjar's things, seeing as he won't need them any more."
"I would," Lorentus said. "But I've still got these ropes on." He waved his hands to prove his point. "Right now all I can really do is miniature jazz hands at people."
"Right, of course," Ralof said. "I suppose freeing the person who has already proven himself to be a sociopath with borderline psychotic tendencies is a good idea, isn't it?"
"Oy, less snarking, more cutting these ropes off," Lorentus said, waving his hands. "Or I'll…I'll jazz hands you."
He waved them again, and added; "Grr."
There was a pause as Ralof stared at him, expression unreadable.
"What?" Lorentus asked.
"I'm just considering leaving you tied up," the Nord said. "It looks like it'll be entertaining."
"What? You can't bring me along to a fight with my hands tied just because it would be funny."
"I can't help but feel that you'd do that to me if we were in each other's shoes," Ralof pointed out.
"Well yes, but that's different. I'm not the one tied up in that scenario!"
"And you see no moral dissonance in that?"
"Moral what-now?"
"Gods give me strength."
There was the sound of footsteps and distant conversation, and Ralof glanced at Lorentus.
"Get into cover," he hissed. "We can ambush them."
"Ambush them? How am I supposed to-"
"Shut up!"
Lorentus ducked into the shadows on one side of the doorway, Ralof on the other, the Nord drawing his axe. There was the sound of a chain being pulled and the grill that served as the doorway clanked upwards. A pair of Nords hurried through, one of them wearing the armour of a Legionary, the other in a set of hastily donned leather armour.
"Jazz hands!" Lorentus yelled as he leapt from the shadows. "Fear the jazz hands!"
The two gave a yell of shock and leapt back, weapons drawn. Ralof cursed as he stood up.
"What kind of ambush is that?" he asked.
"An ambush with jazz hands," Lorentus said, waving them at the two Nords.
"Hold on a minute," one of them said. "Ralof? Is that you?"
"Jorlif," Ralof said. "By the Nine, you're alive!"
He glanced at the Legionary.
"What's he doing here?" he asked.
"Well, there was a dragon flying about outside and I didn't really have time to be choosy about who I got to cover in the keep with," Jorlif said. "And Hadvar here was holding a door open for me, so I legged it in."
"Wait, you all know each other?" Hadvar asked.
"Yeah," Lorentus said. "We were all execution budgies together."
"What?"
"Execution buddies, even. Shut up."
He waved his hands at them again, and raised an eyebrow.
"Aren't you going to recoil in horror?" he asked. "You did just a minute ago."
"We were ambushed by somebody from the shadows yelling 'jazz hands' at us when we were expecting a fight," Hadvar said. "Of course you made us jump."
"Oh," Lorentus said. "So I haven't manage weaponise waving at people, then?"
"That is…no," Ralof said. "Of course you damn well haven't."
"Gods damn it."
"Sorry," Jorlif said. "But as interesting as this conversation is, shouldn't we leave before the massive dragon outside burns the place down and kills us all?"
"Beefcake has a point," Lorentus added. "Also, can somebody cut me loose."
"No," Ralof said.
"Why not?"
"Because you're clearly a complete lunatic!"
"Oh come on, you've been fine with Hadvar being here, and you're a damn Stormcloak," Lorentus said. "You two should be at each other's throats."
Quiet fell across the group as Hadvar and Ralof looked at one another.
"You're a Stormcloak?" Hadvar asked.
"And you look like a Legionary," Ralof said.
"Well this is awkward," Lorentus remarked.
"Shut up," the other three chorused.
"Anyway," Jorlif said. "We need to get out of here. We can focus on who's one whose side later. I mean, honestly, we've spent about ten minutes standing around in this antechamber thing just talking. With a dragon outside. You'd almost think we had no sense of urgency in this sort of situation at all."
"He's got a point," Ralof conceded with a nod.
"Agreed," Hadvar said. "Let's go."
"Can I be cut loose?" Lorentus asked.
"No," Jorlif replied. "No you can't."
They hurried down into the depths of Castle Helgen, a not-so byzantine sprawl of passages that all seemed to lead downwards underground, in a manner that would seem quite bizarre to those unfamiliar with the history of the castle. It was, in fact, quite bizarre, as the upper levels of Castle Helgen that were above ground were simply an empty dummy building that was supposed to draw the attention of enemies away from the underground passages by placing a large and incredibly noticeable building on top of them. If you are, quite understandably, wondering why on earth that would be done, then it should be noted out that its architect, Johannsson the Bloody Stupid, earned his name for a very good reason; he was a man who, when it came to architecture pushed the envelope so far and so violently that it embedded itself in the wall of the sorting office.
The combat that they had found themselves engaged in was a confusing and ultimately baffling affair, legionaries seeing Ralof as a foe and Stormcloaks wanting to murder Hadvar, and both of them trying to kill Jorlif and Lorentus for whatever reason it was. Considering that both of them touted themselves as keepers of law and order, it was rather strange that they would attack a pair of complete nobodies, but in the general confusion of things it might have been understandable. It certainly didn't help that Lorentus had got bored while they were making their way through a cellar and had taken to yelling "jazz hands!" at everybody they came across. After all, if some maniac threatened me with jazz hands, then I'd certainly act to defend myself were I armed with a sword. They would quite clearly be completely loopy.
The small group that Jorlif seemed to have found himself in charge of (though, considering their composition was a Stormcloak, an Imperial Legionary and Lorentus, a more accurate term might be 'herding') finished the fight they had been taking part in, a vicious brawl in a large room bisected by a small stream that ran through its centre. Jorlif panted as he rested on the pommel of his newly liberated claymore, tip resting on the floor as he wiped the sweat that had gathered on the ground.
"Everybody alright?" he asked.
"Fine," Hadvar said.
"Alright," Ralof added.
"I'm good too, for a person with his hands tied in the middle of a fight," Lorentus added, with a dead Stormcloak at his feet. "Really appreciated you all keeping an eye on me there. Was doing just fine."
"Well so much for that plan for getting rid of him," Hadvar remarked to Ralof.
"Lorentus, how did you kill that Stormcloak?" Jorlif asked.
"Jazz hands."
"Jazz hands?" Jorlif asked.
"Yeah. I used jazz hands on him. Killed him."
"I…I won't ask," Jorlif said. "I'm not sure my sanity would hold up if you actually explained that to me."
"His didn't hold up, certainly," Lorentus said, prodding the Stormcloak with his foot. "Think that's why he died."
There was silence.
"What?"
"I just don't want to think about that, that's all," Jorlif said, shaking his head. He gestured towards a passageway that led out of the cave. "Come on, we should get going. I think I've had enough of caves and dungeons already."
Ralof frowned.
"There a problem, Stormcloak?" Hadvar asked.
"I don't know," Ralof said. "I just have the strangest feeling that there should be someone nodding knowingly at that comment."
"Don't be silly," Lorentus said as they made their way to the corridor. "Why on earth should somebody nod knowingly? I mean, that would imply some kind of ironic foreshadowing."
"He has a point," Jorlif said as he pulled a lever that sent a drawbridge blocking their way down to the ground the room beyond was a platform of paved stone that opened onto a natural cave. "I mean, what on earth would that foreshadow?"
"Just forget it," Ralof said as they descended into the cave itself, splashing across the stream that ran along it.
They made their way through several passages of the natural network of caves that ran underneath of Helgen Keep and stopped only when they encountered a particularly large cavern. It was decorated by a great number of spiderwebs, and also inhabited by a great number of spiders, as is the usual case when lots of spiderwebs are present. To make things worse, they were not the usual small things one finds in the tub; these things were the size of a large dog, with fangs large enough to make short work of just about any armour and more eyes than anything should have. In short, they were pretty much your average spider if you happened to live in Australia.
Jorlif, Hadvar and Ralof burst into action and, in a flurry of violence that was really rather shocking, dealt with the spiders in short order (this is a comedy piece. Detailed and serious fight scenes aren't really that funny). In just a few short minutes, the oversized arachnids were dispatched, and the combat came to a lull as the three Nords watched the final spider chase Lorentus around the cave.
"Help!" the Imperial wailed as it pursued him. "Jazz hands don't work on it and it has too many eyes!"
"Should we do something?" Hadvar asked.
"Not for a few more minutes," Ralof said as Lorentus continued to try and flee, running around the cave and whimpering in the way only a man being chased by a giant spider could whimper. "This is entertaining."
The spider hissed as it pursued Lorentus, which roughly translated as; 'Please wait, I only wish to embrace you as a friend.' Lorentus, unable to understand, yelled back at it; "Bugger off, you bloody thing!"
'Why are you running away? I mean you no harm.'
"Why aren't you idiots killing this thing?"
'Please stop fleeing. I only wish to be loved.'
"Aaargh!"
After a few more moments of fleeing, Lorentus tripped on a web and toppled to the floor. He yelled as the spider clambered over him with a hiss of 'Yay! Hugs!', trying to kick it away. The spider's attempt to embrace him was cut short as Jorlif's claymore sliced into its head, sending yellow ichor dripping over Lorentus before the blade flicked the spider away.
"That," Lorentus said as he got to his feet, looking over the noisome substance that had splattered down his shirt. "Is probably the second most disgusting substance I've ever had on my clothes."
"The second most?" Jorlif said.
"Don't ask. Honestly, don't."
"Not sure I want to."
Jorlif hauled Lorentus to his feet, the Imperial nodding his thanks, and readied his claymore as he headed towards the next section of the tunnel. It twisted a few times, but soon enough they found themselves in another large cavern. Jorlif went in first, crossing the stream that ran across it, and then jumped behind a stalagmite with a hissed curse of; "Gods almighty!"
"What is it?" Ralof asked.
"A bear," Jorlif replied. "Just over there, it's a bear."
"There's a bear?" Hadvar said. "Over there, a bear?"
"A bear? Right there, a bear?" Ralof added.
"There's a bear, right there," Jorlif confirmed.
"Alright, I get it that there's a bear right there," Lorentus said. "Let's just shut up and sneak around the damn thing before it mauls and eats us."
"Agreed," the others chorused.
They crouched low, skirting the edge of the cave. Halfway across, Lorentus suddenly piped up; "You know, if I had a bow, I reckon I could snipe that thing from here."
"Lorentus," Jorlif said. "It's a bear. You don't shoot bears, because if you do, the bear kills you. And besides that, nobody wants to give you a weapon, or untie your hands."
"Oh come on, you're going to have to do it eventually," Lorentus complained. "I can't around with my hands tied up forever."
"Not now," Hadvar said. "There's a bear right there."
"I. Bloody. Know," Lorentus hissed back as they continued on their way.
The small party continued on their way, Ralof occasionally prodding Lorentus in the back to make sure he moved, getting out of the bear's reach and finally reaching a cave entrance that was lined with snow for a reason none of them could explain.
"You realise," Lorentus said as they stepped out into the otherwise temperate outdoors. "That that cave back there was basically one massive back door to the castle, right? I mean, the entire thing we went through basically seemed to be one massive corridor that lead right up to Helgen. Did nobody ever think to just block this cave down?"
"There was that drawbridge that could only be opened from the inside," Hadvar pointed out.
"Right, because that problem couldn't be solved by a bit of burning oil and a few planks, yeah," Lorentus replied. "Of course, seeing as the entire place has been dragoned now, I guess that that's all a bit academic, but still."
"Yeah, speaking of dragons," Ralof said, looking skywards. "We might want to get into cover."
Overhead, with a beat of massive wings, the dark forbidding shape of Helgen's destroyer swept, high up in the sky. Ralof, Jorlif and Hadvar ducked into cover, and Jorlif glanced back at Lorentus.
"What are you doing?!" he asked.
"Oh, it's miles away," Lorentus replied. "Why are you bothering to hide? It's not as if it can see us."
"It's a dragon! Do you want to attract its attention?" Jorlif pointed out.
"I'm saying that attracting its attention isn't possible," Lorentus replied as the massive flying lizard approached a mountain topped with a structure of hollow archways and was about to disappear behind the hill. "Look. OY! OY YOU, YOU FAT-ARSED LUMP OF SCALES! LOOK OVER HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE! BET YOU CAN'T HEAR ME!"
There was a roar, and the dragon turned in midair back towards them.
"Okay, it can," Lorentus noted, sprinting for cover behind a rock.
"You are such a bloody idiot," Jorlif remarked from next to him as they tried to shrink down from it.
"I was just conducting an experiment," Lorentus replied. "To see if dragons could hear people shouting at it over a long distance. That's just science."
"Science doesn't involve yelling at dragons," Jorlif said as the dragon swept overhead.
"Well then what does it involve?" Lorentus shot back. The dragon completed its circle and began to head back the way it came.
"Test tubes and lab coats and stuff," Jorlif said. "Not yelling at dragons."
"Yeah, it also involves double checking your experiments to get rid of erroneous results," Lorentus replied. He stood up and took a deep breath, but got no further before Jorlif clamped a hand around his mouth.
"Don't worry," he said, glancing at Ralof who had drawn his axe. "I've got it. Besides, I'm not sure an axe would do much good against a dragon."
"That axe wasn't for the dragon," Ralof replied with a glance at Lorentus.
After a few more moments spent making sure that the threat was now departed, the small group followed the path down to Riverwood, journey interrupted only by a pack of wolves who were quickly dealt with through the medium of swords, an axe and Lorentus' debatably useful employment of jazz hands. Not long afterwards they made their way through the small gate that segregated Riverwood from the rest of the world.
"This is a bit of dump, isn't it?" Lorentus said as he looked at the village, arranged as it was along the side of the main road with a single street branching off from that.
"Are you going to say that about everywhere we come across?" Jorlif asked.
"I won't if I like them." Lorentus replied.
"And what would make you like them?"
"Probably…I don't know, maybe if they were made of diamond? Had streams of booze in the street and a population of lonely, sexually frustrated supermodels?"
"You're a man of low standards, aren't you?"
"Whatever," Lorentus said, turning to Hadvar and Ralof. "So we got away from the dragon; what's the plan now?"
"First of all, I should probably check back with General Tullius in Solitude," Hadvar said. "As for you two, I need you to go to Whiterun and warn Jarl Balgruf about the dragon threat; Riverwood will need some extra guards if there are dragons abroad."
"I should probably do the same with Jarl Ulfric," Ralof said. "Perhaps check on my folks, while I'm here."
"You have family here?" Hadvar asked.
"Yeah, they work the mill," Ralof said, nodding to the mill by the river.
"Oh," Hadvar said. "Mine run the blacksmith's, just next door."
There was a long silence.
"This wonderfully awkward, isn't it?" Lorentus piped up.
"Shut up Lorentus," Jorlif said. "Right, I don't mind reporting to this Jarl about the dragons, seeing as somebody has to, but why do I also have to drag Lorentus around with me as well?"
"Well, let me put it this way," Ralof said. "Do you want him running around the place without any supervision?"
Jorlif looked at Lorentus, who was now engaged with giving a chicken the evil eye.
"You make a compelling argument," he said. "Alright, you have a deal; you go talk to your bosses, we'll get some guards over here in Riverwood. Lorentus!"
"Yeah?" the Imperial asked, breaking off his staring match with the chicken.
"You're coming with me," Jorlif said. "Hold out your hands, will you? I need to cut those ropes off."
"Sure," Lorentus said, doing as asked. "About bloody time, too. You got a dagger for that."
Jorlif's claymore sang as it was drawn from the scabbard he had taken for it and sliced through the ropes. They fluttered on the ground, and Lorentus stared at his now unbound wrists in quiet disbelief.
"I have some pretty important veins in those, you know," he said after a moment. "Having a claymore lodged in one of them wouldn't be very good for me."
"Oh stop complaining," Jorlif said. "You're fine."
"Hmph," Lorentus said. "Well if we're going to be going to Whiterun I'm going to need some things, first. Bow and armour and whatnot. Not exactly safe to be running around the place without any weapons, after all."
"I guess not," Jorlif said. "Well, I've got a whole load of stolen weapons and armour and stuff; we'll find a trader and get you something useful."
"You mean like a daedric bow or something?" Lorentus asked.
"Something useful, not something I'll have to sell my own kidneys to afford," Jorlif replied. He saw the look Lorentus was giving him, and added; "No, you're not going to sell my kidneys."
"Dammit," Lorentus muttered. "You're no fun."
Jorlif simply shook his head. He had a feeling that it was going to be a long trip to Whiterun.