"You have a visitor." A nurse said as she came into the room. I didn't react, I just laid there.
"Can I come in?" I looked over to see Jake standing in the doorway. I nodded a little. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "You feeling okay?"
"Depends on what you mean." I said flatly.
"Physically?"
"I hurt but it's getting a little better."
"Mentally?"
"I've been way better Jakey." I said honestly. He took my hand in his.
"I know." He said quietly. "Can I ask you something?" I nodded. He just looked down at my hand for a long time before looking back at me. "Why didn't you tell us?" I just looked into his eyes for a long time before letting out a heavy sigh.
"I don't know, things were complicated and I was scared."
"But it's us mom. You shouldn't be scared to talk to us." I looked away from him.
"Jake, you're too young to understand."
"So explain it to me." He said as he pulled my hand in his direction. I looked up at him and felt ready to fall apart.
"I'm your mother Jake; I'm supposed to have everything all figured out. I'm not supposed to make big mistakes and screw up." I said angrily as tears burned down my face. "I'm supposed to be the strong one; I'm not supposed to be weak like this." He squeezed my hand angrily.
"You're human mom, that's what you are, human. You're not weak; you're the strongest person I've ever known. I'd still be proud of you even if you did everything wrong along the way. You loved us and tried to raise us the best way you could, that is the reason we love and respect you the way we do; not because you're perfect." I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I cried.
"Why does it matter now Jake? What's done is done, I can't take anything back."
"Because we love you." He said quietly. I didn't respond. "I heard what you said to Cheyenne and Kyra." I felt like crying harder. "They know you're hurting mom. Why won't you let them in? They can help." I just looked at the wall towards the foot of the bed.
"No one can help me." I said quietly.
"We could still try." I shook my head.
"I just want to be by myself with this one." He didn't say a word. A few minutes later he stood up.
"I have to go to work. I'll be back later okay?" I nodded. He was careful as he hugged me and kissed my good cheek. "Be good okay?" I tried to smile.
"Only if you are." He smiled as he left the room. A second later there was a soft knock. I looked up to see Brock standing there.
"You're looking better." He said from the doorway. I just looked at him. I don't feel like talking much lately. "Care if I sit down?" I shook my head no as he walked over and sat where Jake was.
"Why'd Jake come home?" I asked as I looked at the door.
"He wanted to come back the day of the shooting but he couldn't get away from class. I went and picked him up a few days ago." He let out a sigh. "You should've heard him all the way here, he wouldn't shut up till he could see for himself you were alright." I smiled a little bit.
"He's a good kid." He nodded.
"He's crazy about you Reba, definitely a mama's boy." He said with a little smile. My smile grew a fraction.
"As it should be." He was quiet for a while. I didn't feel like breaking the silence, silence is what I enjoy most lately anyways.
"I've heard you've been keeping some things to yourself lately." I shot daggers at him.
"None of your business what I keep to myself." I snapped. I didn't like everybody knowing about my lost child. I can't lash out at my kids for it, but Brock can handle it.
"When I know what it's going to end up doing to you it kind of is my business." He said smoothly.
"You're not my husband Brock." I said in a nasty voice.
"No, but I am your friend." He said defensively. "You won't talk to Scott, so I figured I'd try talking to you." I rolled my eyes.
"So you thought you'd try to play hero?" I said in a cold voice.
"If it means saving your life, then yeah." He said a little iritated.
"Get out of my room." I spat. He didn't budge. "Get. Out." I said through clenched teeth.
"I'm not going anywhere till you talk to me."
"Where was that attitude ten years ago when I actually wanted you around."
"People change. I'm here now." I rolled my eyes.
"You will never change and you're only here to earn brownie points." He half smiled.
"You're wrong." I didn't say a word as I lay on my back and looked out the window. "How far along were you?" he asked quietly.
"Four months." I said unmovingly.
"Do you know if it was a boy or girl?" I didn't say anything for a while.
"It's written down somewhere. I never got to see it; it was going to be a surprise."
"Was it healthy?"
"It was so healthy it was growing faster than normal." I closed my eyes. "Untill the stairs."
"Were you happy?" he asked quietly, avoiding the comment about the stairs.
"It was one of the happiest times in my life. I was honestly very happy." I whispered.
"What're you going to do now?" I didn't say a word; I didn't know how to respond to that. I don't know about anything anymore. "I've only ever seen you like this once before." He said breaking the silence. "It was when your childhood dog died. Three years into our marriage." I didn't move. "I didn't know what to do, you kept shutting me out and pretending everything was just fine." He stopped for a minute. "That's when I learned the most about you, was when you shut me out like that. I had to learn the real you, not the you, you wanted me to know. I had to learn you all over again." I didn't say a word. "I think this will be good for you and Scott." he said cautiously. I still didn't move. "Just don't push him away like I know you're getting ready to do. You need him right now and we all know it." I closed my eyes.
"Why do you see me so predictable?" I heard him laugh.
"Because for 30 years of my life I lived just trying to figure you out."
"You didn't do a good job." I lied.
"You're still not a good liar." I didn't say a word. I just felt so low. I just wanted to be by myself to morn my baby.
"Mrs. Hart, time for your medication." A nurse said as she walked into the room. I didn't move as she came over to the IV and stuck a needle in the tube. After a minute I felt a rush of relaxation flow over me. "Feel any better?" I nodded. "Good, if you need anything, push the button and I'll be right back okay?" I nodded again. She was a sweetheart.
"She's nice." Brock said to break the silence.
"She loves her job. She told me she hates what she sees when it comes in here but loves the feeling of nursing life back into someone." I said not looking at him. My gaze was lost out the window.
"That'll take a toll on her eventually."
"Why are you even still here?" I asked as I looked over at him, suddenly angry. He looked completely caught off guard.
"We were talking."
"No, you were talking, I was forced to listen." I snapped. "Get the hell out of here." I said in disgust.
"Reba, what just happened?" he asked in confusion.
"You done pissed me off, now get." I said flinging my hand in the direction of the door like he was a dog or something.
"Is everything alright in here?" the same nurse said as she stepped into the room.
"No, please make him leave." I said pointing at Brock.
"Sir-"
"Yeah, I'm going." He said standing up. He walked towards the door. "I'll talk to you later." He said looking back at me. I just rolled my eyes. When they left the room I could still hear them talking in hushed voices.
"Don't take it offensive, it's the medication that does this to her on top of all the emotional things she's going through." The nurse said.
"She just liked snapped, she was fine then wasn't."
"Her body hasn't adjusted to the medication yet. She's never been a medicated person, very healthy her whole life. Since she's been in here, she's had more medication than her entire medical history. Her body doesn't know what to do with itself, causing severe mood swings and a few other side effects."
"So stop giving her so much."
"It's required. We should be giving her more, but she wouldn't be able to handle it if we did."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Mr. Fisher." She said a tad bit louder. "She's wide awake right in there, be cautious though, I just gave her a heavy dosage."
"I don't need to be cautious, she's not a wild animal in a zoo, she's my fiancée." He said in an angry stern voice right before he entered the room. "How you feeling? Did the migraine go away?" he asked as he set a few bags on the little table to my right. I shrugged.
"If it's not one thing it's another." He came over and sat on the edge of the bed.
"What is it right now?" I let a sigh out.
"I don't know, a little bit of everything."
"Bad day again?" he asked as he pushed my hair out of my eyes.
"Are there any good ones anymore?" he patted my hand softly.
"They'll get better soon." I just looked at him. He stood up and went over to the little table and reached in one of the bags. "I brought you something." He said looking back at me.
"What is it?" he smiled as he walked over to me with it behind his back.
"You know how your shoulders and neck were killing you because of this bed?" I nodded a little. He pulled a little vibrating back massager from behind his back. I cracked a little smile. "Figured we could fix that." He said smiling at me. I rolled my eyes as a little bit bigger smile spread across my face.
"Kiss up." He laughed.
"Don't worry, I got you babe." He said like Sunny with a wink. He knew Sunny and Cher were some of my favorites from back in the day. I started laughing.
"Why're you so goofy?" he shrugged.
"Cause goofy is fun." He said as he sat on the edge of the bed. I just rolled my eyes. "So do you want to do this now or later? How bad is it right now?" I shrugged.
"Everything always hurts." He cupped my face in his hand.
"Let's try it a little bit now, then we can a little bit later too." I nodded as he helped me to sit up and turn some. He was right behind me to help steady me when I got a little light headed.
"I'm alright." I said putting my hand up.
"Tell me when you need to lay back down okay?" I nodded. "Can I untie the top tight? The knot is right in the way." I nodded again. I felt a shiver run through me as his fingers brushed the back of my neck softly. I wanted to flinch away from his touch, he hasn't touched me since I lost the baby; his touch feels so odd to me now.
"How long will this take?" I asked quietly. Suddenly I didn't want to be touched at all.
"Not long, why? What's wrong honey?" he asked as he leaned around me to look at me.
"Nothing."
"Do you still want to try this?" I didn't respond for a minute before nodding my head. "Just tell me if you change your mind okay?" I nodded again. He turned it on and guided my head to lean forward before gently pressing the little massager to my lower neck. Automatically I closed my eyes and felt myself relax as he moved it slow and softly. I inhaled slowly and exhaled with a little bit of a moan.
"Down just a little bit, between the shoulders." He lowered the massager to hit the spot.
"That feel okay?" I let out a little moan again making him laugh. "Well I'm glad I thought of this then." I cracked a smile.
"Me too." I could feel his hand on my bare back and it unnerved me. He put it there with no intention; I could tell it was there without thought.
After a good 45 minutes he made me lie back down and relax. I was reluctant but as soon as my head hit the pillow I was almost asleep. Scott lay down beside me. He must've thought I was asleep when he started running his fingers down my face softly.
"I love you so much Reba." He whispered. I didn't react, I played asleep. "I know what you're feeling, I know you'd never believe that and I know it's just not the same for me as it is for you, but I feel it too. I know things won't ever be the same again, but I love you. I want to make things work still. I can feel you pulling away from me at every turn." He got quiet as he stroked my cheek. "You letting my massage your neck and shoulders today made my whole week. I was afraid you'd never let me near you again." He was really quiet for a long time. "This scares me so much Reba. I don't want to lose you. I love you so much." He leaned over and softly kissed my cheek. I could feel him looking at me before softly and quickly giving me a peck on the lips. I nearly jerked away in shock and horror but managed not to move. "I love you." He whispered before lying down beside me again.
I opened my eyes and just looked at the wall. Suddenly not as tired as I thought I was. I just laid there and thought for a good long hour.
"You're still awake Mrs. Hart?" a nurse said walking into the room. I nodded as I looked at Scott who was sound asleep. "Can I give you your medicine now or do you want me to wait?"
"Now please. I'm ready to get some sleep." She smiled before putting my medicine in the IV and after a minute, I felt the relaxing rush of the meds in my system. I closed my eyes and felt myself drifting already.