After three and a half weeks I was allowed to go home on a few conditions. Condition one, I have to continue my therapy, I am not to miss a single appointment. Condition two; I have to come in for checkups once a week. I agreed as long as I could get out of there.
"Why're you smiling so big?" Lori Anne asked raising an eyebrow as I sat in my wheelchair. They had the wheels locked so I couldn't make an escape again.
"I get to go home to my own bed." I said plainly, making her laugh.
"You mean you and Scott's bed right?" she corrected me. My smile fell some.
"I guess so."
"Aren't you excited you get to sleep beside Scott in a bed now instead of just his head resting on your bed?" I shrugged.
"I don't like him touching me. At night he likes to hold onto me in some form. I don't like it." she rolled her eyes.
"Didn't you tell me a while ago that you loved that? That it made you feel safe?" I just glared at her. I did say that before but things have changed now. "Why has your opinion changed?" I could tell by the look in her eyes that she already knew and fully understood.
"He was the father of my lost child." I looked down at my hands. "Every time he touches me all I can think about is that baby." She reached over and held my hand.
"You're going to have to get past that honey, I couldn't bring myself to and look where I am now?" my eyes filled with tears I refused to let fall.
"It was a child, not a lost ballgame. I can't just 'get past it' like that."
"You don't think I understand that?" she said with tears hinting in her voice. I looked up at her to see the hurt and anger in her face. "I lost two children Reba. The first one I pretended never happened; when Cory and I lost the second baby I didn't know what to do with myself. If you don't remember, I went through so much grief from both babies that I had to spend a few weeks in the suicide watch at the hospital. I was in counseling for six years after that. Don't you dare act like I don't know what you're going through." She said in a hard voice.
"I do remember Lori Anne but how am I supposed to change this?"
"Therapy helps. Listen to what they tell you okay?" she said in a softer, very understanding voice. "If you keep going the way you're going, you're going to end up just like me. I don't want that for you honey, it's a cold lonely life to live." I closed my eyes.
"I don't want that either. I want things to be normal again. I want to marry Scott and have our baby, I want to spend the rest of my life happy raising our family but I can't. I never can now because I lost my baby." I said angrily as I fought off tears. I failed as the tears took over.
"You don't think I understand that?" Lori Anne snapped as she grabbed onto my wrist. I tried pulling out of her grasp but she held me firm. "You don't think I feel exactly the same as you do right this very minute? That seeing you go through this, my bestfriend, brings back those feelings for me?" She was near tears as she yelled this at me. "I know Reba, I do. Stop treating it like you're alone cause you sure as hell aren't!"
"What the hell are you doing?" Scott snapped as he pushed Lori Anne away from me.
"Trying to knock some sense into her, that's what." She said as she pulled away.
"What did you say to her?" he asked as he held me to his chest as I cried. "She hasn't cried like this in a long while now. I leave you alone with her for then minutes!" he was mad, I could feel it in his heartbeats.
"She's avoiding the truth!" she nearly screamed in anger. "She needs to fix the true problem if she ever wants to have a normal life again."
"She's going to get there, just give her some time alright? And what would you even know about any of this?" I could see the hurt look in her eyes after her said that.
"Leave her alone." I said stern as I could. He pulled back to look at me.
"I thought she upset you."
"It doesn't matter if she did or not, just leave her alone." I said wiping my face.
"Alright Miss Reba, time to check you out." A nurse said as she walked into the room, completely oblivious to the tension between all of us.
"Good." I said as I tried to wheel myself over to her but didn't budge. "I can do it." I said when Scott unlocked the wheels and started to push me.
"No chance Miss Nascar." He said with a laugh as I rolled my eyes. I wiped my face again as he pushed me out of the room.
"Let's go Mrs. H." Van said with a big smile as Scott pushed me into the lobby. I had to smile back.
"Get me out of here." I said with a smile.
"Van, if you want to go back to the room and get her bags, I'll take Reba out." Scott said as he started pushing me. Van stepped in front of us.
"Can I take Mrs. H out and you get the bag? I haven't seen her in a long time." He said blushing some. I cracked a smile.
"Let him wheel me, I wanted to talk to him anyways." I said as I looked up at Scott. He just looked down at me with a suspicious stare.
"You're planning on running aren't you?" I rolled my eyes.
"I won't let her run Scott, I promise." Scott sighed but headed for the elevators.
"If she takes off it's on your head." Scott said pointing at Van with a smile.
"I believe that, but she's in good hands." At that he unlocked me and started towards the parking lot with me.
"How come Cheyenne didn't come?" I asked Van to break the ice.
"She's been kind of busy with her preg-" he stopped dead, mid word.
"You don't have to shelter me Van." I said evenly. He still didn't say a word. "I don't want you guys to pretend things are just dandy, that I'm some little girl that needs to be protected."
"I'm just worried about you Mrs. H. We all are." I closed my eyes.
"I'm getting better Van, just don't make me a fake reality." We stopped at the car.
"I'll make you a deal then." he said as he crouched by my side. "As long as you're honest with me, I'll be honest with you. On everything." The corner of my mouth turned up.
"Sounds good to me." He smiled.
"So now I'm going to ask you something." I raised an eyebrow. "Are things really getting better?" I just looked at him for a long time it felt like.
"I'm trying. Some days it is, others I feel like I'm backtracking." He just studied me.
"How can I help you?" the corner of my mouth turned up slightly.
"You can't. I have to do this on my own."
"That's a lie. It's me Mrs. H, I have to help you."I reached over and took his hand.
"I love you for wanting to help me Van, but some things I don't even understand enough to help myself. Just having you here for me is enough. I never could've imagined having such a good son-in-law in a million years but you are. That's enough for me." He smiled a little.
"I'm here for you, you're like my mom. The way you shut me out when Scott had left hurt. I don't like seeing you like that Mrs. H; I want to help you, even if you think I can't." he squeezed my hand.
"I promise, I'll be open with you this time around." He smiled.
"Good, cause I missed you." He said standing up to hug me.
"What, no fighting?" I heard Scott say from behind Van. We both looked to see him only half joking.
"Nope, just an understanding." I said as Van got my seat ready for me.
"Well good. I have a good feeling things are going to turn around for us." I smiled.
"I hope so."
X xx xxx xx x xx xxx xx x xx xxx xx x
The car ride home was quiet. I sat in the passenger seat while Scott drove, Van drove separate. After a few minutes Scott reached over and took my hand off my lap and held it between us. I just kind of looked at our hands, our fingers entwined automatically like always. I looked up from our hands to Scott to see him smiling to himself. I could tell just how much bringing me home meant to him.
"I've missed this." He said looking over at me. My eyes fell back to our hands when he caught me staring at him. He laughed a little.
"It's been a while." I said quietly.
"Too long." He said giving my hand a soft squeeze. I looked down at my hand and saw my engagement ring shining in the sunlight. "You never took it off the entire time you were there." He said glancing between the road and my hand. "Even when you weren't in the right state of mind you held onto it." He got quiet. I just sat there quietly studying him. "That means the world to me." He looked over at me and I could see the honestly in his eyes.
"I don't remember any of that." I said quietly.
"You did. You would go into a panic attack if I let go of your hand too. The doctors wanted me by your side the whole time because just by me being there, you calmed down." I cracked a little smile.
"You were always the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes."
"I would sit there and wait for you to open your eyes. I loved watching that."
X xx xxx xx x xx xxx xx x
"Mom's home!" I heard Jake yell from behind the front door, I started to laugh.
"Can I walk in?" I asked Scott. He just gave me a look. "At least let me walk through the door then put me right back in this stupid chair." He laughed.
"Alright, but just through the door." He warned. A big smile spread across my face as he helped me to stand. It wasn't exactly standing, but him holding me up and me pretending to walk. Van opened the door for Scott and pushed the chair through. I could see Cheyenne, Kyra, Adam, and Jake all standing near the door.
Slowly but surely, I made my way into the house. As soon as I was through the door Scott set me in the chair as all the kids applauded me. I couldn't stop smiling.
"I'm so glad to see you here mom." Kyra said as she hugged me around the neck.
"I'm so glad to be home kiddo." When she pulled away I could tell there was something going on. I gave her a curious smile but before I could answer, I saw someone stand up in the living room. When I turned my head to look, I was in pure shock.
"Hi Reba." An all too familiar woman said nervously. My jaw was dropped and I just couldn't bring myself to close it.
"You okay Mrs. H?" Van asked at my side.
"What the hell is she doing here?" I said in shock.
"I heard what happened." She said not looking me in the eyes. I felt my shock start to be replaced by anger.
"So that gives you the right to welcome yourself back here?" I snapped.
"I felt like I needed to come see you myself." She defended.
"You never called." I stated. "I tried keeping in touch with you Barbra Jean, but you threw us all away like we meant nothing." I barked in angry hurt. She looked ready to cry.
"I couldn't face you guys." She said looking down. "I was scared and so alone."
"You had all of us. You chose to be alone." I said firmly.
"Calm down mom, we've all been through a lot." Cheyenne said quietly.
"She has no right to let herself back in my home like this." I said looking form Cheyenne back to Barbra Jean.
"Then I'll go." She said as she picked up her purse. I didn't say a word as she walked to the door. She stopped when she was beside me. "I'm sorry to hear about the baby." She said quietly before she left. I felt like everything around me came crashing down again.
"Reba." Scott said quietly as he took my hand. I pulled away again trying not to cry.
"I'm home, but I don't have my baby." I said quietly with tears in my voice.
"Sorry I'm late, traffic was pretty bad." Brock said as he rushed through the door. Everybody just looked at him. "What's going on?" he asked confused.
"Your ex wife, that's what." Scott snapped. Brock looked completely confused.
"What about her." Scott pointed at me.
"Not her, your other ex wife." He said through his teeth. Brock's eyes went wide.
"Barbra Jean? When did she come back to Houston? Why was she here?"
"Hell if we know, maybe you should find out." Van stood in front of Scott now.
"Calm down Scott, Mr. H didn't do anything wrong." Scott was so angry when he looked at Van.
"She had no right."
"I know, but we didn't know. We'll fix it now." Van said just as angry.
"You okay mom?" Cheyenne asked as she touched my shoulder. I looked up at her.
"I need the phone."
"Who're you going to call?" Kyra asked as she handed me the phone.
"I need to talk to my therapist." I saw Van smile proudly at me out of the corner of my eye.
X xx xxx xx x xx xxx xx x
I opened my eyes to see Scott watching me. I adjusted myself slightly and looked at him.
"Why're you looking at me like that?" he smiled.
"You're so peaceful when you sleep. I haven't seen you sleep like this in a long time." I cracked a smile as I curled under the blankets.
"I haven't been in my bed for a long time." He laughed a little as he pushed my bangs out of my face. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the touch of his fingers. He cupped my face in his hand. He leaned in and kissed my forehead lovingly. I opened my eyes to look at him.
"Too much?" I could tell by his face just how much he misses touching me like this. Just little loving ways.
"No." I tried to sit up and he helped me. When I was in more of a sitting position, I took his hand.
"I've missed you so much Reba." I looked down at our hands.
"Dr. Bradley said I shouldn't push you away. He said I should try to act like your fiancée again." I watched his thumb rub the back of my hand gently.
"You don't have to act like anything you don't want to Reba. If you're not comfortable with us yet, then we can take our time. Start over again." I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.
"I'm scared."
"I know you are. But you don't have to be." He said rubbing my cheek softly.
"It's hard." He pulled me to him and I rested my head on his chest and just felt myself relax a touch.