The first thing he sees as she walks around the corner of her penthouse is her significantly larger stomach, and it makes him smile.
'You're here,' she states once she sees him, a soft smile, a ghost of a smile he used to know, playing on her lips.
'Of course.' They walk in the living room, and she nestles in between pillows and packets of junk food. He sits by her feet and places them in his lap, naturally, completely and utterly not awkwardly at all. And he's been doing it for so long now, it doesn't even cause her to sneak an uncertain glance in his direction.
'It's manic outside. There are cameras and reporters everywhere...' he complains, as his thumbs rub over the soles of her feet.
'And this is before they even know what's going on. Once they find out I'm pregnant, they'll scale the building to get a picture of me and this,' she says, and a hand rests on the top of the curve of her belly.
He smiles. He steals a glance in her direction; her eyes closed, an unmoved hand, a content smile on her face. She looks bright, and happy, and carefree. She glows. And for the briefest moment, he ignores it all and just imagines what his world would have been like if this moment would have played out in a loft in Brooklyn, with quiet outside their windows, a half-ready nursery and the terrifying thought of a baby in less than a month.
But moments like that don't last, and he wakes up in the real world; a world which differs from what he wants simply by his own doing. A world where people make mistakes, where Blair Waldorf lives on one side of Manhattan, and a hopeful family on the other side of America. A world where he loves in vain, where it hurts to love, and it only hurts because it is blind and stubborn and easily confused. A world that is not intertwined to Serena's anymore. A world he wanted to change.
'Isn't it going to be hard?' he blurts, grasping her attention. 'Giving it up, I mean.'
Her eyebrows bend slightly. She swallows what feels like the biggest lump of emptiness and looks away. 'Honestly,' she starts, and her voice sounds like it would break at any time, but she is strong, stronger than she thought she'd be, so she can at least manage to remain neutral until alone.
'It will probably destroy me. But there are no other options for someone like...'
'You don't have to.' He interrupts, and her words are just halted even when she tries to force them out. 'No one is asking you to. No one wants you to, not even yourself.'
She suddenly breathes in a long, wet breath. 'Dan, please... Not this again,' she whispers, and touches the back of her hand to one of her eyes.
He kneels beside the couch, so that their eyes level. 'Serena, I have been so patient these past few months, waiting for you to change your mind. But here we are, three weeks before your due date, and nothing about you has changed. And I see you suffer, I see you rub your stomach, and I hear you talk to it, and, after you think I'm gone, I hear you cry yourself to sleep. And it is so damn frustrating to know that the only reason you're doing this to yourself is something that you know isn't true.'
'Dan...'
'Tell me, honestly tell me, that you believe I wouldn't be here for you. That I wouldn't love my child. That, after everything, I don't love you more than I ever have.'
'Stop talking...' she pleads, a fresh flow of tears running down her cheeks once her eyes close.
He attempts to hold her hand in between his, but she forcefully pulls away and tries to get up and away from him. 'You know I love you, Serena. It would be unfair of you to deny that...'
'Don't you dare talk to me about unfairness, Dan! This psychological manipulation thing that you're doing is not going to work on me again.'
She pushes away from the couch, and her legs shake underneath the pressure of her pregnant body, but once again, she is stronger than she anticipated, and there is a confidence about her that allows her to forcefully walk away from him.
He follows, soon by her side, tugging gently at her arm, and turning her to face him.
'I'm not trying to manipulate you, but I don't want to lose you, and I definitely don't want to lose my child.' His hand is still firm on hers, and his heat, mostly from anger, transfers to her. And it feels like summer love. Fresh tears fall at the sense of nostalgia caused by the differences of that time.
'This baby is not yours to lose anymore. And you might have still had me while you were sleeping with my best friend, but you sure lost me when you said all those lovely things to me after what happened between us. And you know what, Dan? I want to thank you for it. Because it is so much easier to hurt over someone you loved than someone you're in love with but can't have.'
Her words shock him, still him, paralyse him, and he doesn't even realise when she pulls her hand away and slams the door to her bedroom.
He stands where he is for a while, and tries to think it all through. Everything. But there is nothing he comes up with. He wishes he knew what to say, and there is a part of him that thinks he's said all the right things. But 'actions speak louder than words' is repeated over and over in the other side of his head. And once he puts it all together, once he makes a mental note of every decision he's made, beginning with Charlie and ending with 'I never have to see you again', he realises that, if the roles were to reverse, he couldn't have loved or forgiven himself either.
'I wish I knew what to say to make you forgive me,' he whispers after he marches into her room and sees her crying on her bed. 'But I don't. I have no clue, and nothing that pops into my head even sounds like a good start.' She sobs in her pillow, and he sits by her side, trying to keep his eyes dry and the heartbreaking sight of what he's done.
'I want you to tell me. Just tell me what you want me to say, and I promise you I will mean it with everything I am. Because, Serena, I am nothing without you.'
She looks up from her pillow, and the way her lip trembles makes his do the same.
'You won't believe me when I tell you I love you. Why do you not believe me?' he asks, his voice the weakest it's ever been. This moment, it's everything moments haven't been for him before. It's raw, and deep, and open, and he is so vulnerable to the power of the words she would utter, it is the scariest thing he's ever experienced.
She gathers herself, and wraps her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest. He holds her tightly to him, and she is closer to him than she's been in ages. But at the same time, she feels so far away, it seems like he just can't reach her anymore.
'Because I can't,' fills the silence.
And he just knows there's nothing else he can do.