Note: Because interviewing 6 applicants in 1 chapter is too long, I broke it down into 2 parts. Therefore the two interview parts are actually one interview, and there are 4 more chapters (fillers not included) until Larry finishes the story…
Claus's POV:
It's been 30 minutes already since Bowser started the commercial break. There's something I still wonder. Why did Dad take Lucas back home and not me? Anyway while waiting, I chatted with some of the stage crew until Bowser called me.
"We're filming in 10 minutes!" Bowser called from the stage. I put away my Playstation, and ran to entrance to the front stage. I heard Bowser talk to the audience about who they're interviewing and I also heard him talking about Porky (ex-boss) and Jeff (some guy I hardly know).
Bowser's POV:
"To continue our Mother themed episode, we're now interviewing Claus, Lucas's brother and the Masked Man." I announced into a microphone. The crowd clapped while a palette swap of Lucas walked into the room.
"Sorry for delaying you. We didn't have enough time to interview you last episode." I apologized. I looked at the application written in pencil.
Super Smash Bros Character Auditions
Your Character: Claus
Weapons (your best): PSI, unnamed yellow saber, arm cannon
Armor (your best): Masked Man helmet
Your Abilities: PSI
Your Accomplishments: Commander of the Pig Army
What game are you from? Mother 3 (Game Boy Advance), Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii, sticker, palette swap)
"Here's something we're all wondering about. You died in Mother 3, but you're still alive. How did you do this feat?" When I said it, the crowd gasped.
"Some people said that my mom sent me back here to 'have a chance to lead a full life'. Others say that the Dark Dragon revert the Pigmask's actions, which resurrected me. My dad and Lucas also know the real answer, but they're respecting my wishes by keeping it a secret. It's so we can let the fan's imaginations run wild, just like how people think that Lucas's friend, Ness is my dad." Claus twiddled his fingers.
"I heard about your ability to also transform into the Masked Man. How are you going to use it? Are you going to use it as a final smash or use it as a special move like Zelda or Sheik?" I said. Claus transformed into the Masked Man and toyed with the buttons on his arm cannon.
"I'm not sure. I'll leave that to Master Hand if I make it." Claus replied. He pressed a blue button on his cannon and a few bullets came shooting at me. At the same time, Flint came back on the stage.
"Claus! We're goin' home in…" Luckily, I dodged the bullets, but they sped towards the cowboy, hitting him in his left arm. Lemmy, who was serving Claus some food, ran backstage.
"Just like Lucas, you're grounded when we get back." Flint told Claus. Lemmy came back and crudely wrapped a gauze bandage around the cowboy's arm.
"What the…" Flint interrupted Claus by picking him up and attempting to drag him out.
"That's still going on my show!" Roy said while holding a cell phone. He must had woke up and hanged around.
"How did you wake up so early?" Flint yelled. He dropped Claus and chased Roy around on the stage.
"OK, I give up!" cried Roy. He tossed Flint a can of Easy Cheese and walked away. The cowboy glanced at the can, confused. "Come back here and tell me what's that!" he demanded. Immediately, Roy walked back in.
"It's spray cheese. Now if you don't like what I do on my show, leave me alone." Roy replied.
"Well I never heard of it, but it looks interesting." Flint fumbled around with the can, until he found out how it works. However, the can sprayed cheese all over his face. Embarrassed, he picked up Claus again and dragged him out successfully. I placed Claus's application into the box and checked the list. There were still 4 more characters to interview; they were Jeff, Porky, Sora and Knuckles. I heard a whoosh and a scream, and it distracted me from my checking. I looked back and saw Wendy crying because some bottle rocket hit her in the eye.
"Sorry!" a prepubescent voice called. "Porky tried to take it from me, but it got out of control."
"I did not!" cried another prepubescent voice.
"Stop fighting!" I demanded. "We need a Porky Minch on the stage now, or we'll cancel the interview!" A short, chubby boy waddled on the stage, before teleporting to the couch. He has blond hair that covered his eyes and wore worn blue overalls.
"Is that how you talk to the Pig King?" the boy said in a rude voice. Several pig soldiers walked in and surrounded me. They look weak and I can beat them up, but I'm not sure if it will provoke Porky.
"…" I said.
"Can we just get the interview started? I have a meeting with Claus." Porky whined.
"Fine, but Claus went back home with his family." I said. Porky handed me his application. He wrote the application in black pen, and it was slightly wet. Maybe it was his tears after crying about the loss of his friend.
Super Smash Bros Character Audition:
Your Character: Porky/Pokey Minch
Weapons (your best): Spider Mecha, yoyo
Armor (your best): Absolutely Safe Capsule, Spider Mecha
Your Abilities: PSI, the ability to command some Pigmasks
Your Achievements: Joined a cult, chief advisor for a mayor, stole a helicopter, nearly destroyed the world, traveled through time (twice) raised an army, became king.
What game are you from? Earthbound/Mother 2 (SNES), Mother 1 + 2 (Game Boy Advance), Mother 3 (Game Boy Advance), Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii, boss, sticker, trophy)
"Just a vague question, but why do they call you Porky?" I read from a paper.
"Pork jokes, pork jokes, everywhere. My name is Pokey, but my fans like that Tomato guy found out that my name is similar to Porky. So they thought its 'funny' to make some pig-related puns about me. Nintendo joined the fun by even calling me that in Super Smash Bros Brawl." Porky said.
"Hey Hogzilla, lose some weight! If you need some help doing that, join the Pen 15 club. All you need to do is let us write it on your hand!" Brandon called. Porky said nothing but pointed at the Pokémon trainer. A couple Pigmasks jumped up to the seat where Brandon was sitting and dragged him out.
"That's better." Porky took a bite from a hamburger before burping.
"Why do you want to upgrade your role from boss to playable character?" I asked.
"Ness recently taunted me with a leaked document from the Smash Files about me being a playable character." Porky showed me the paper.
Earthbound/Mother 3 Series:
Characters:
Ness
Lucas
Kumatora
Porki
I noticed that they misspelled Porky's name and they also struck it out too. It said "Let's add Lucas instead, we need some Mother 3 stuff. At least we can make Porky a boss." Ness walked in and noticed Porky too.
"Come and get me, loser! Spankety, Spankety! Spankety!" Ness taunted before sticking out his tongue. Porky snapped his fingers and pointed at Ness. Several green Pigmasks came out of nowhere and started chasing Ness.
"OW! I'M SORRY!" Ness yelled.
"Bowser, put some commercials over this!" Ness cried. "Please!" We both glanced at Ness while Porky ripped open a bag of Pork Chips and offered me some.
"This is going to be good." Porky chortled. I grabbed a few pieces of Pork Chips and popped them into my mouth. It has a greasy texture, but tasted like dried bacon.
"How could you Bowser?" sobbed Ness. The green Pigmasks were using him as a beach ball and playing some catch with it.
"Joke's over boys." one of the green Pigmasks said. He slammed the kid on the ground, just like Ganondorf did to me and Groose. Porky looked at his Pig Watch.
"My time is up, see you around." Porky said. He teleported out, while the Pigmasks walked out. Jeff ran on the stage.
"Is he gone?" Jeff panicked.
"He is." I said straightly. "Porky also left some chips that you can eat." Jeff walked to the table and took a bite from a single chip, before spitting it out.
"Yuck! I hate grease!" sputtered Jeff. Two kids wearing hats which look like fruits came in.
"Are they also here to join the crew?" I questioned.
"No, they're just here for support." Jeff replied. "Orange Kid recently patented his egg unboiling method in the Smashville Patent Office and needed something to do." The three of them sat down, while the kid in the apple hat handed me Jeff's application. Jeff wrote the application in fountain pen and I can tell by the ink splotches in it.
Super Smash Bros 4 Auditions
Your Character: Jeff Andonuts
Weapons (your best): Gaia Beam, Multi Bottle Rocket, Heavy Bazooka
Armor (your best): Souvenir Coin, Cherub's Band, Star Pendant
Your Abilities: Repairing, Spying
Your Achievements: Snuck out of a boarding school, son of Dr. Andonuts (famous scientist), expelled zombies from a city, saved the world
What game are you from? Earthbound/Mother 2 (SNES), Mother 1+2 (Game Boy Advance), Mother 3 (Game Boy Advance, cameo), Super Smash Bros: Brawl (Wii, assist trophy)
"Tell me more about why you want to upgrade your role from an Assist Trophy to a playable character." I said, in a slightly muffed voice (I was eating Pork Chips at the same time).
"Last year, Paula, Poo and I auditioned for Super Smash Bros: Brawl. I made it, but they replaced me with Lucas because Mr. Itoi wants to promote Mother 3. They gave me a role as an Assist Trophy to make it up. We get the same perks like the Smashers, but we don't live in Smash Mansion." Jeff replied while fixing an item.
"He said Poo again! He's another comedy genius along with that sandwich making bitch!" Hilbert yelled from the audience. Jeff pulled out a remote control from his pocket.
"What did you just call my friend?" Jeff said in a slightly angry voice.
"Oh, is she your girlfriend?" another Pokémon trainer mocked. He has a red newsboy cap and wore a blue jacket.
"NOW!" Jeff yelled. He pressed the button, and a bottle rocket came out of nowhere hitting the Pokémon trainer.
"My eye!" yelled the trainer. He ran around before Hilbert had to escort him out.
"Where do you get all those parts for your weapons?" I asked curiously.
"I've lived here for a while, so I get the parts from Snake, broken Wire Frames and Alloys, and R.O.B's used….." We heard some hissing sounds from under the couch. I tried to fish it out, but it was superglued to the floor.
"Larry, I know it's you!" I yelled.
"Listen Bowser, I can't make bombs from scratch!" Larry hollered back. We got some more evidence from this theory. The bomb is professionally made, so Larry couldn't have done it. It has a white smoke coming out from it, so it couldn't be that Magnus guy (his bombs are purple).
"If it wasn't you Larry, then who planted the bomb?" Jeff asked.
"That would be me." Hilbert replied. "I got sick of all of you overreacting to us. Why can't you take a joke instead of ramming a bottle rocket into Brandon's eye. And that was to distract you from the beeping."
"Beep…Beep…Beep." The hissing noises changed to some beeping.
"BOOM!" The whole stage exploded, while we could all hear Hilbert's evil laughter.
Ganondorf's POV:
Why does the stage have to get destroyed every now and then? I know we have the Easy Button, but why can't Bowser and the applicants act more careful? I walked in and saw Bowser, Jeff, and two kids with an apple and orange hat lying on the ground. I shoved them off the couch and looked at the list of interviewees.
Claus, Porky, Jeff, Sora, Knuckles
"Our next interviwee is also from Square Enix, that one company who makes all those weeaboo games." I told the crowd negatively.
"Shut up Ganondork. You're just jealous that Sephiroth won by a landslide in a video game villain contest." one girl commented. She wore a t-shirt with Sephiroth's face on it.
"Why do you have to bash someone's opinion? It's his opinion to hate the company I work for, but he's putting his job over personal preferences." a teenager criticized while entering the stage with some strange key sword. He looks like Pit, but he wore a white and black over jacket over his red jumpsuit, a pair of white gloves, some yellow boots, and a crown necklace.
"OMG ITS SORA!" yelled the girls.
"SORA, I WANT TO MARRY YOU!" yelled a blond girl. She reminds me of those Justine Bidoof fangirls. Sora ignored the comments and sat down. He took a bite from a chocolate popsicle, before wolfing down the thing.
"This is good, but the sea salt ice cream is better." he replied. "Anyway, here you go." I received his application and read it over.
Super Smash Bros Character Auditions:
Your Character: Sora
Weapons (your best): Keyblade, my friends.
Armor (your best): I don't wear armor.
Your Abilities: Time Travelling, camouflage, Keyblade, magic, superhuman strength
Your Achievements: Wielder of the Keyblade
What game are you from? Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (Game Boy Advance), Kingdom Hearts 358/2 (Nintendo DS), Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance (Nintendo 3DS)
"Bowser recently told me that one of your friends, Cloud came here to become Square Enix's Super Smash Bros rep. Why did you also come?" I cringed my eyebrow.
"They sent me to also promote Disney games. Apparently, Disney isn't one of those people who wants to send their popular cartoon characters, so they chose to send me."
"I've seen you with those Key swords in-game. How do you use it?"
"It's actually made from a lighter metal, but it's still heavy. So Square Enix pays for our massages after filming." Sora replied.
"Had any of you seen my kid?" Flint interrupted, while he entered the stage. I hate that goddamn cowboy ever since I made fun of him once, and I'm pretty happy he didn't bring poor Lucas too.
"Which one? The blond or the red one?" Sora questioned. Flint took out a photo showing Claus. Cameras? Isn't Tazmily a low-tech village who didn't use electronics?
"Cool story Flint, but I have a better story. It's a fairy tale. Once upon a time, no one gave a shit. The end." I mocked. Sora and the audience laughed, before the keybearer realized something.
"That's the man who used his father-in-law as dragon bait! I saw it all on TV!" Sora laughed.
"I did not!" Flint yelled. He grabbed a nearby piece of lumber and attempted to attack Sora and I. We both dodged the attack, but we noticed Bowser, Jeff, the apple kid and the orange kid waking up. The keybearer and I took refuge behind a couch.
"No! Don't do it Flint! It'll make everything worse if you do!" the apple kid warned. Flint replied with a whack to the fat boy's stomach. Bowser tried to grab the lumber from the cowboy, but Flint managed to whack him on the head. Jeff came and tried to grab the lumber too.
"Please stop, the audience is listening!" Jeff begged. The cowboy ignored him and hit his body. Everyone gasped because an adult had hit an innocent child. I'm predicting tomorrow that Flint will be the main subject on newspapers and rumors about him and Lucas will spread like wildfire.
"I'm going to stop this madness." Sora whispered. He walked in front of Flint and sliced the lumber in half, but the cowboy used the other half to hit him hard. I notice a weird dragon in red armor teleport behind Flint and bashed his/her sword on the head. I take it as "HeadStrike, apply directly to the forehead." The cowboy fainted, and the dragon transformed into a human/hybrid boy.
"Next time, don't kick the girl out. She makes a good security guard." the boy commented before exiting the stage. Girl? I don't remember kicking any girls out from the show. Unless it was Bowser. Sora quietly left the stage before Flint could wake up, and I looked at the list Bowser left. Knuckles was still yet to be interviewed.
"Our next interviewee is Knuckles." I announced. I looked at the entrance and he hadn't come out yet.
"Knuckles?" I called. The stage was so quiet that you can hear the crickets chirping. I called a couple of times, but the red echidna didn't come out. Maybe it was because Sega prevented him from coming because Sonic is their representative for Super Smash Bros.
"IF YOU'RE NOT COMING, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. WE ALREADY HAVE SONIC IN THE GAME!" I hollered. No reply. Lemmy ran in with a paper.
"Lemmy, I thought you were supposed to help the cameramen?" I questioned.
"Sorry. Toadette wants me to give this to you." The Koopaling handed me a note. It has the official Sega logo, so the letter might tell us what happened to Knuckles.
"Dear Bowser, Knuckles is not attending for a personal reason. From Bob Sega." I read.
"Sorry guys, Knuckles isn't coming. Sega logic perhaps?" I questioned. The crowd whined as I told the cameramen to finish filming.
"Next episode, I will take over the interviews again until Bowser recovers. Therefore, I'll handpick the interviewees for the next episode. Send the fanmail, fans!" I called.
"This episode is brought to you by the Game Actors Guild. Protecting the rights of game actors one after another." a male voice said.
I wanted to make Flint slap Claus with a 2x4, but I omitted it due to child violence/abuse. Larry isn't a problem because he trespassed on the stage on purpose.
Because the chapters are beign churned out at longer intervals, I'm going to give the readers two choices. The first choice is that I will release more chapters, but less people will be interviewed. The other option is to let Bowser interview more people, but they will take longer to be made.
Weeaboo = Wannabe Japanese
Porky becoming a playable character in Brawl is a made-up story. Don't waste your time Googling it.
Hint for next chapter: Two fillers, one about Larry, the other about why Knuckles didn't come to the interviews.
In other news:
Like I said in the earlier chapters, I have school. Here are my plans for September-December:
September: More chapters for Bad Luck Bowser, various oneshots, new chapter once a week or so.
October: Super Smash Bros Halloween special, series finale for Bowser's Interviews
November: Phantom's Mother Misadventures (MapleStory/Earthbound crossover, about Phantom's misadventures in the Mother series, not the final title)
December: Christmas special (Super Smash Bros)