Disclaimer: …You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you? *sigh* I do not own Kingdom Hearts (or Axel) and this fact depresses me greatly. Now I'm gonna go sulk in a corner. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. Oh, I also don't own FF or the actual movie referenced in this chapter.
A/N: w00t! Here it is! The thrilling conclusion to this massive cluster #!% that I'm proud to call my fanfiction. :D Do you like how I get all excited about a story that only like, three people ever read? HOORAY FOR INAPPROPRIATE SELF-CONFIDENCE! Now, I know Roxy especially is psyched for this installment, because she knows that this is where I have to include the "item of interest". When I throw these stupid things together, I get a pairing, an event, and an item of interest, all of which must be used in the crack!fic. So far I've used the pairing (Riku and Xemnas *twitch*) and the event (blind date). I'll come right out and say that the item of interest for this story is "hot pink pumps".
I'm sorry, Riku.
I truly am.
Also, I would like to thank my anonymous readers for their reviews and give them metaphorical chakram cookies! *HERE YOU GO 3* Thank you all! I'm glad my insanity amuses you!
Bon à lire!
-Slay
Match Maker
Chapter 3 – Awkward Tacos and Romcoms
-o-o-o-
It took twenty minutes and a lot of death-glaring, but Riku finally managed to escape the Restaurant That Never Was with Xemnas following patiently behind.
"We are going to the theater now, right?"
"Er, yeah. It's uh…it's just down the street," Riku said distractedly, tearing off the stupid yellow bowtie and stuffing it in his pocket, where their movie tickets sat like keys to his ultimate doom. He hadn't even looked at which movie they were seeing. He was pretty sure he didn't want to know.
Riku pulled the band out of his hair and shook the silver tresses loose over his shoulders. "I…hope you like romcoms," he said dumbly.
"Indeed."
"…"
Xemnas fell in step with him, and for several minutes the two of them walked silently down the street, thankfully drawing little attention from passersby despite Xemnas' reputation as the local weirdo.
After a while, Riku tossed a brief glance over his shoulder to make sure Sora wasn't following them in a freaking trench coat or something. He didn't see Sora, but he did catch the shape of a person stealing into an alley they had just passed. It had looked like that bluenette from the restaurant…
Nah.
Riku turned his attention forward. Sora's stupid antics just had him wound up—he was starting to imagine things. They walked another block or so and crossed an intersection. The Moogleplex Cinema was visible one block down on the other side of the road, but Riku barely noticed it. An eerie feeling was creeping up his back, like he was being watched. He turned his head and was startled to see the same flash of blue as that stranger ducked out of sight.
Riku stopped walking. "Was that…Is there someone following us?"
Xemnas didn't break his stride, passing Riku with his hands linked decorously behind his back. "Nonsense. What would anyone want with us?" He chided passively. He didn't sound even remotely concerned. Then again…why would he? Of course a weirdo like Xemnas wouldn't be bothered by some creep following him on the street.
Unconvinced, Riku stared at the dark edge of the alley, waiting for their follower to reveal himself—but he never did, and Riku had to jog down the street to catch up with Xemnas before he reached the ticket counter.
Riku flashed the tickets they already had so they could get through, and tried to ignore the strange look the vendor gave him. After he got the shortened ticket stubs, Riku decided to see what the damage was. The stub only had enough space for the word "DUDE", which Riku used to refer to the marquis behind the vendor. The match he found was Dude, Where's My Chocobo? at seven-thirty, starring Cloud Strife and Zack Fair. Sora had picked the movie his cousin was in. Surprise, surprise.
He sighed and slid the stub into his pocket. At least it was PG-13.
"Let's grab our seats first," he suggested, moving right past the concessions. "I can make a snack run later." That was just common movie-going strategy, right there.
Xemnas nodded in agreement, and they made their way to Cinema #7, which only had a handful of people scattered in the rows when they arrived. Riku plopped down into the first seat he saw, staying as close to the exit as possible, not caring that he'd have to watch the movie from way too close and at way too weird an angle. Xemnas didn't question his actions, and swiftly took the seat to Riku's right.
And then they just sat there.
Watching pre-previews.
They were half-way through ads for some "brilliant" and "compelling" mob drama that was coming to television next year when someone passed in front of them.
Normally, Riku wouldn't have even noticed—it was just another movie-goer looking for a seat. Except that the overhead lights were still on and the man who passed them had bold, blue hair.
His blood ran cold. Why the hell had that guy followed them to the theater? Who the hell was he? Riku tensed in his seat and tried not to flinch when he heard the man sit down directly behind him. He looked over at Xemnas, who apparently hadn't even acknowledged the man, as he was staring intently at the upturned palms of his hands. "These…" he muttered, "These are the hands that shall build it…my beautiful Kingdom Hearts…"
Riku's eye twitched a little. He stood up, Xemnas' weirdness and the pressure of that creeper's eyes boring into the back of his skull too much for him to take. "I'll just make that snack run now," he announced anxiously. "Want anything?"
Xemnas didn't look up from his hands. "Those soft pretzels are…shaped like hearts, aren't they?"
"I guess if you use your imagination—"
"I would like one of those. Nothing else."
"Heart-shaped pretzel. Got it!" With that Riku ran for his life.
-o-o-o-
Riku was seriously considering bolting from the theater and high-tailing it home before any more weird shit could happen. He tore out of the cinema and down the halls, then rounded a corner without looking and smacked right into whoever was standing there. He didn't knock the person over, but they did stagger back with a yelp. Riku propped his hands on his knees and caught his breath, apologizing to the floor. "Shit, I'm…I'm really sorry—I, I wasn't watching… where I was going…"
"That's okay. I'm not hurt." The voice was small and sweet, and completely unoffended. From where he was hunched over, Riku could see the person's narrow feet—clad in hot pink heels with provocative ankle straps and matching toenails. Oh, good. As if this night wasn't screwed up enough, he'd almost trampled some poor girl to death at the movie theater. "I really am sorry," he said again, straightening up and preparing an apologetic smile.
From the high heels he followed a pair of long, tanned legs. They ran into light pink shorts and a baby-blue sweater that sagged alluringly around her collarbone, where the pendant of a simple cerise necklace rested. Sprigs of soft brown hair jutted haphazardly from under the rosy wool cap on her head, which sported a brazen yellow flower on one side. She had a very pretty face—smooth and youthful, with thin, glossy lips and a cute, pointed nose, a flurry of lush, dark lashes and the biggest, most beautiful cobalt eyes he'd ever seen. They almost reminded him of… of…
"Psst, Riku—it's me, Sora!" A hand lifted the wool cap enough to show how prone the hair was to spiking straight up, and one of those cobalt eyes winked playfully at him.
Riku just about died.
He could feel his brain melting. His blood boiled in ungodly heat and swarmed beneath his skin. His tongue went leaden. He couldn't feel his toes. "S-S-Sora?"
"That's right!" Sora nodded enthusiastically, completely oblivious to Riku's mental breakdown. He irked his slim body this way and that, flaunting.
"Pretty great disguise, huh? Kairi helped me put it together." At one point, while Sora was twisted to one side, Riku noticed something in particular that Kairi had helped him with—Sora had donned a modest but perfectly convincing bust.
…Dear God…
Sora stopped winding and regarded Riku with a slightly worried brow. "You okay, Ri?"
Ri. Why'd he have to be so goddamn cute? And why'd he put so much effort into this getup and not the other one?! Why was he even dressed this way? Why was he disguised at all if he was just gonna announce himself like that? Why? Why?! WHY? IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! With the legs and the clothes and the eyes and the lips—it was giving Riku an aneurysm! Was Sora trying to kill him?
"…Ri?"
He was. Sora was trying to kill him. And Kairi was in on it, too. Damn them.
Riku shook his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to will away the tightness coiling in his chest—and other places. "Nothing—nothing…"
After a moment Sora shrugged. "So, how's the hot date going?"
"Please don't say hot."
"What—?"
"What?"
"…So how's it goin'?"
Riku made an effort to glue his eyes to the floor, but found them straying up Sora's legs over and over. F# $!
"I'm…on a snack…run…" he said tautly. "Pretzels…and shit."
"Oh! Cool, I was just thinking of grabbing a slushy, myself."
Of course you were!
"C'mon, Riku! We can go together and you can tell me all the juicy details!" He curled his hands around Riku's arm—this did not help—and pulled him toward the lobby.
"Y'know, I don't see what girls are always complaining about," he chattered. "Walking in heels isn't so—ACK!" As he said it, one of Sora's ankles caved over the heel of the shoe, sending him pitching gracelessly sideways. Riku reached out reflexively and caught Sora in his arms like a ballroom dip, those dazzling zaffre eyes staring up at him, wide with shock.
Not helping. Not helping. Not helping.
"Whoops," Sora giggled—giggled, damn him!—and gripped Riku's shoulders to right himself, pressing their bodies together for the most torturous split second of Riku's life. "Don't tell Kairi I said that!" He laughed and patted Riku's chest like it was the funniest. joke. ever.
"Eh-heh, yeah, sure okay. Snacks."
"Right, right. So what're you gonna get, Riku?"
"Cock rocks—I mean Pop Rocks! …I'm getting Pop Rocks…"
"That's cool."
That was close.
They finally made it to the concession stand, and Riku almost forgot to buy Xemnas' stupid pretzel because the clerk's eyes were roving his cross-dressing friend like a freaking buffet, and Riku had to stare the guy down with the blazing intensity of a thousand suns before they could leave.
"You never told me how the date was going," Sora noted as they headed back to Cinema #7.
Riku trained his eyes straight ahead in a determined attempt at self-control. "How do you think it's going?!"
When Sora just gave him a blank, slushy-slurping look, Riku rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't even know, Sor', this whole night's just been really…" There wasn't a single word in Riku's vocabulary to describe how utterly ridiculous this entire thing was. "This isn't right," he said. "Xemnas is so…so…" He didn't have a word for that either. He sighed. "Can't we just call this all off? It's seriously freaking me out."
"Ah, Riku. You're just nervous. It's not like you do this very often." Sora smiled warmly and gave him an encouraging shoulder-nudge.
"No, Sora. It's not—"
"I know! What if I come sit with you guys? That way, if it gets awkward, I can help you out!"
"It's a little late for that, but okay."
Sora beamed. "You think Xemnas'll mind?"
Riku shook his head. "I don't think Xemnas will even notice." Not if he was too busy staring at his hands like a pothead.
-o-o-o-
Xemnas didn't even eat the soft pretzel.
Instead he just sat there cradling it like it was his first born child, muttering random nonsense about Kingdom Hearts to himself.
On the other side of Xemnas sat Sora, sucking on—DRINKING—his slushy and watching the movie innocently. When his cousin first came on the screen, Sora leaned forward and gestured excitedly to Riku, who couldn't help but smile and the brunette's enthusiasm.
They were about twenty minutes in, and nothing new had gone wrong. Even the creeper sitting behind him wasn't up to anything. Riku was actually able to ease up and watch the movie.
"How wasted were we last night?"
"Well, I touched Tifa Lockhart's hoo-hoo, we're on the hook for two-hundred-thousand dollars that belongs to a transsexual stripper, and my motorcycle's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted."
The theater erupted in laughter, and for a moment this almost felt normal.
Almost.
Not really.
Xemnas suddenly seemed way too attached to that pretzel…
Out of the corner of his eye, Riku saw Sora wave for his attention. When he looked, the brunette was offering him Pop Rocks behind Xemnas' head. (Since his thoughts were on a part of his body very different from his stomach, Riku had just dumped the box on Sora before they entered the theater.)
Without thinking, Riku reached over, stretching his arm over Xemnas' shoulders. It wasn't until Sora snatched away the candy and grinned mischievously that Riku realized what he'd just done. He felt Xemnas' hair brush his arm as the man slowly turned his head, fixing Riku with a dangerously blank stare. All he could do was try and smile awkwardly. "Ah-hah…uh…n-nice movie, huh?" GODDAMMIT SORA I WILL MURDER YOUR SEXY ASS IN YOUR SEXY ASS SLEEP!...DAMMIT!
Xemnas just stared at him for a few seconds, then slowly turned back to the movie. "Indeed."
Riku was about to spastically retract his arm, but was stopped by fingers digging painfully into his shoulder. He glanced behind him—"WHAT THE!?"
The bluenette was there. Right there. Right in his face. He held Riku's shoulder in a lethal grip, amber eyes bearing down on him like the Wrath of God.
Riku fidgeted and tried to break away, stuttering out broken curses and questions. As he squirmed, the blue-haired man lifted what looked like a radio to his mouth.
"Axel…it's time."
"Axel? Who the f—" At the back of the theater, Riku saw a guy with wild red hair stand up, holding aloft a match and…was that a beer bottle? "VIVE LE FEU!" He cried, touching the lighter to the bottle and hurling it in the air—
—and then the theater went up in a ball of fire. Flames tore up the aisles and rode along the ceiling, shredding the movie apart as its screen was incinerated. The redhead in the back was laughing his ass off, and the guy behind Riku had a disturbingly triumphant smile on his face.
WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?
"Sora!" Riku leapt up and yanked the brunette out of his seat, and they were among the first people to shove through the emergency exit, fleeing onto the city streets as the Moogleplex went up in flame.
"You wanna know why I don't date, Sora?" Riku asked once they were safely across the street, surrounded by rubberneckers who were drawn by the light of the pyre. He flung his arm at the theater. " 'cause SHIT LIKE THIS happens!"
Sora managed a lopsided grin. "At least you can't say it was dull."
The silverette sighed heavily though his nose and looked pointedly at his friend, who was still dressed like a—very attractive—girl.
"No, Sora," he huffed. "…at least I can't say that."
A/N: … :D
Yeah so this fic just kinda exploded near the end—literally. What? I was suffering from pyro-withdrawal. I needed my Axel. So what if there's no closure? (Pff. Closure? What is this?)
Quiz: Your unrequited love is going on a date with someone else. What do you do?
A. Tell him how I feel
B. Move on with my life
C. Burn the theater down because dammit, if I can't go on a movie date with him NOBODY CAN! Saïx Logic.
And no, Riku. Sora's not trying to kill you. I am.
And in case you didn't recognize it, the movie I parodied was Dude, Where's My Car? I know that's not actually a romcom, but my story is that Sora lied because he just wanted to see his cousin on the big screen, and I'm stickin' to it.
Just be glad I sent them to "Dude, Where's My Chocobo" and not "Brokeback Midgar". My fellow FF nerds will understand.
So there you have it. My derpy, jacked-up crack!fic, complete with Molotov Cocktails and a cross-dressing Sora [insert Riku nosebleed here].
…
Please don't kill me.
:D
Review for a chakram cookie~
Flame for a Molotov Cocktail to the face!
-Slay