AN: There are no words to say how sorry I am for this late late late late really late update. I've been trying to write this chapter for like...8 months and I couldn't get it right. I still don't feel it right but hey, maybe that's just me loathing my work. I don't know. You'll be the judges of that. But I wanted to do this. I wanted to finish this story before I turn twenty so I can say "hey, I finished a story before turning twenty. Four for me. I actually accomplished something. Highfive to self :D" and of course it probably don't mean anything to you but it means the world to me so I just wanna share the joy.

And if you're reading this, I just wanna say thank you and that I'm really sorry for the wait. And I guess I should stop now because there's a story to tell.

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From where he stood, Julian Larson could see the faraway ghost of a blonde woman sucking in the beauty surrounding her and despite how much more miserable the trees looked like, how the white sky had turned gray and heavy, how the birds had stopped singing; he couldn't bring himself to hate her.

Instead, he hated himself.

He remembered the day, ten years ago, when the trees had looked just as miserable, the sky was the same shade of gray, the birds didn't sing for three years, and a different ghost with blond hair had also disappeared behind a door taking everything Julian loved with him.

Once it happened, he learned to be more cynical –never trusting happiness because it's the perfect moment to destroy a life. And he'd promised himself to never give someone else that opportunity ever again. Julian would be fine as long as he remembered happiness was nothing but a time bomb.

Of course, that was before Logan was born.

The first time he took Logan in his arms, he felt a heavy weight leaving his heart, and after holding his gaze for only three seconds, Julian had seen in those intense green eyes the promise that everything was going to be okay from there on.

So when Julian spotted next to Marianne's ghost the image of a five year old with fluffy, oak hair turning his head around just so he could steal a last glance from his daddy before waving goodbye it suddenly hit him:

His child, the only Logan that ideally would never leave him, was also going away. The bomb went off. His knees gave out.

It seemed more glamorous in the movies.

When the strong, independent woman decides she's had enough of a life she doesn't deserve, she usually packs the essentials, takes her kids out of the house and drives to the horizon without looking back.

Now, Marianne was as strong and independent as Susan Sarandon or Claire Danes, and every step closer to the cabin she was more convinced about that.

But as soon as she set foot in the cabin a sudden panic assaulted her. What was she supposed to do now? Pack the essentials? What was essential, anyway? Car keys, purse, phone, a coat, that Louis Vuitton handbag she got in an auction, the Marchesa dresses she bought in the morning… and Logan's things! A coat, maybe some food, a blanket in case he falls asleep in the car (plus, it's getting chillier outside), that stuffed lion his father bought him and –oh crap, did she pack the Louboutins or did she leave them back in L.A? A change of clothes for Logan –and maybe she should leave the phone here because Julian could call and the strength and independence Marianne had would vanish in a matter of seconds. Or maybe Logan would pick up and he was a smart kid, it wouldn't take him too long to realize daddy isn't coming; and then hell would break loose and Marianne was strong and independent but Logan's crying was stronger than her.

"Mrs. Larson, is everything alright?"

She realized she hadn't moved from where she stood under the door-frame at Dana's concerned voice.

"Yes. Uhm. We're leaving." Brilliant. If Dana came with them, Logan wouldn't ask much about his daddy.

"Oh, okay. I'll take the suitcases out."

"No. Not suitcases. We're…leaving." Dana's frown was something Marianne could skip over because Susan Sarandon didn't have to explain herself. "Just grab a coat. Logan and I will wait for you in the car."

Because, thank god, her son was a heavy sleeper.

She was afraid what would come when Logan woke up.

Glamour my ass.

"Jules?"

Last time he had seen that expression in Julian's face was almost twelve years ago.

After Adam, the fire and waking up from a coma to realize the consequences of that night, Logan had been prepared for sorrow, for guilt, pain, tears, screams, broken pieces…

And that came. Eventually.

But the first four weeks he saw nothing.

Logan had wondered if that cloud he saw in Julian's eyes was the same one people saw in him when he took his pills. If the complete opposite of his voice while singing was Julian's when he needed to talk. If that was how death looked like.

In those four weeks Logan longed for screams and hurt because that way he'd knew Julian was still there, alive, feeling something. The brunet was nothing but a walking corpse and Logan had decided one night, when he went to check up on his friend and heard him cry in his sleep, that he would do everything he could to never see him like that again.

Almost a year later, after closing a door and walking down a hallway, he realized he couldn't even keep the most important promise he had ever made to himself.

"Julian. Jules, c'mon. Stand up." He tried to pull him up by the arm but Julian didn't even flinch. "Please. Please, Jules, please, stand up. We can still reach her. Please. Please, Julian, if we move now–"

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Logan kneeled in front of him and tilted Julian's chin up hesitantly, not surprised to find wide eyes, not brown but gray (gray as the sad and ugly sky above them), in a daze. However, if Logan focused long enough, he could see the small glint of panic eating Julian away.

The blond cupped his face with both hands and tried his best to keep his voice steady even though his eyes showed everything he didn't want Julian to notice. "Listen to me, Julian. It's getting dark and we need to move now because every second we stay here Marianne uses it to–"

The wind blew harder in response and Logan closed his eyes, letting out a long breath. This wasn't supposed to go like this. He had imagined long talks, apologies, kisses, a damn happy ending for them because, damn, broken people deserve a happy ending too. He'd had this stupid scene playing in his mind ever since he read Julian's name in that email –I still love you. I've never stopped loving you. I'm still broken. I am broken too. Do you believe in happy endings? I do, do you? I do. Do you think we can have a happy ending together? I do, do you? I do.

He wasn't supposed to be married. He wasn't supposed to have a son.

But, then again, Logan didn't mind because he was sure that scene playing in his head wasn't a dream, it felt too real to be just it. No; at every passing hour, he'd managed to convince himself he'd seen the future –his future with Julian. He could be married, he could have a child, but Logan was blinded by a vision where the two of them ended up living happily ever after. Because that was what felt right. Not this. This didn't feel right at all. Not the woods, not the darkness, not Julian's dead eyes.

He bit his lower lip, closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Julian's. His voice came as soft as a whisper that could've gotten lost in the woods. "I will carry you back there myself if I have to. You know I will."

The sudden cold air hitting him straight in the face forced him to open his eyes. Julian had pulled back, blinking quickly, frowning slightly, looking at Logan every now and then until his lips twitched up and huffed. "Why's that, Logan?"

Now it was Logan's time to blink puzzled at the guy who was sitting on his calves with a lopsided smile on his face. "Pardon?"

"I said "why's that?"." His tone was casual, his smile was polite, his eyes showed a real interest on what Logan would say next. "Why is it that you want me there with Marianne if I'm all yours now? Wasn't that what you wanted all along?"

It was. "I, uhm…-"

"I don't have a wife anymore," Julian cut him off and the tone was still casual, the smile was still there and Logan was scared. "Not a son, either. You took all of that away from me so I could be all yours and well," he held out his arms and finished nonchalantly, "here I am."

The blond blinked and shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous." He cleaned up his palms on his jeans and stood up, feeling uneasy. "Move. We've lost too much time."

But Julian didn't move. He kept smiling and looking up at him. "Isn't this what you wanted, Logan? Now we can be together."

"That's it, you're being an asshole." He grabbed Julian's wrist and tried in vain to lift him up. "Julian!"

"Logan!" He chuckled with malice, "Hey, let me ask you something. How does it feel? We're together again because I have no one else in my life."

The clear vision of their happy ending played for him one more time but now the image was blurry and Logan couldn't recognize voices or figures. Suddenly, the scene broke down into a million pieces and he was left facing reality, standing in front of Julian's wide eyes and venomous smile.

"We can still catch her."

Julian kept smiling. "I don't want her. I want you."

"Stand up."

"I love you."

"No you don't," he sighed. "Move."

"Why, Logan?" he tilted his head and faked innocence. "We can be happy together now."

And it suddenly hit Logan.

No they couldn't.

Not together. Not the two of them. Not in this life. Ten years ago, when he closed that door he had thrown away that chance. He'd broken his promise, and ten years later he had found the opportunity to fix it –the chance to give Julian his happiness back. And he wasn't involved in Julian's happiness anymore.

He stared at the purple sky for a while and laughed without humor, shaking his head. Funny how what he thought he deserved was the only thing he would never have if he wanted to make it up to Julian for everything he'd done in the past. The only happy ending for them was if Julian got his.

Logan sat down, his knees touching the brunet's, with a smile on his face. His wasn't full of venom, though. His was a smile of resignation –like the hero accepting his death when he sees himself surrounded by men pointing guns at him –he was embracing his pathetic future. "Remember that time… Sophomore year I think… You'd come back from LA two days before scheduled and I went to your room to say hi and you… I remember it clearly," he chuckled, "I remember you were staring at the roof oblivious to the rest of the world and said "What the fuck is happiness, anyway?"" He was grinning at his lap, shaking his head slightly at the memory. Julian only stared, his smile long gone, so as the gray in his eyes. "And after a while I told you "Who the fuck cares?" and you looked at me for a really long time with this…this bitchy, judgmental face you had –have –had –I don't know anymore. Anyway, you kept quiet for a while judging me and then you…started laughing. This…this ridiculously loud and obnoxious but still contagious laugh and I don't know if it was because of your laugh or because I realized how stupid my answer was that I laughed too and we laughed for a very long time. You even fell off the bed and we laughed some more and we didn't stop for what it felt like hours…" Julian felt Logan's smile in each of his words and wished he could see it away from the darkness. "And when we stopped, when we finally stopped laughing, you said –"

"I said I do." His voice almost got lost in the night. "And you said –"

"I said I do too." He reached for Julian's hand and put it in between his. "And then, in Senior Year, we were happy together."

"And then we weren't," he gulped and covered hesitantly Logan's hand with his free one.

"And you found happiness again." Julian said nothing. "So you shouldn't allow anyone to take that away from you, not even an ass like me." The brunet snorted and he laughed in response. A short silence followed. "We can still reach her."

"We can't," Julian shook his head and squeezed his hand lightly, "not anymore."

Logan nodded slowly and looked at the direction Marianne had disappeared. "I bet she's still packing, though," he stood up and brought Julian up with him, their hands still clasped together. "I mean… She brought clothes to stay for at least three months here; it'll take her a while to pack everything."

Julian chuckled in return and ran a thumb across Logan's knuckles. "That actually makes sense," and he allowed himself to walk hand in hand with Logan throughout the darkness.

They didn't make it.

Even before getting inside the cabin Logan knew it and Julian knew it too but neither of them said a thing. The latter opened the door of the cabin and flicked the light on to find everything apparently intact. There was a long, white coat and a leather purse in a sofa, shopping bags at its feet and Julian felt a pang of hope hitting him on the guts. "Logan?" He headed directly towards his son's room and Logan stood still, looking at a pair of sneakers on the carpet, the same ones that the kid had to take off by request of her mother if he wanted to climb up on the sofa for a five-minute nap. "Lo?" He knew Julian wasn't talking to him. He'd left his son's room and had walked towards the master bedroom in a matter of seconds. The sound of doors opening and closing, the muffled voice of the actor when he checked the bathroom and every closet, always calling for Logan, always hoping to find his son, was ripping Logan's heart up but he kept looking around. The dining table was already clean except for two small, read and blue car toys on top of it, the ones Logan tripped over with while getting to his place in the table at which the five year old giggled sleepily and told him to be careful next time.

"Maybe he's outside…"

"Julian…" Julian was already opening the backdoor calling out for his son. His voice came loud and shaky, Logan didn't move until the brunet came back.

"I told you it was too late."

"I'm sorry."

"I saw her coat and…" he couldn't keep his eyes off it while talking, "I really thought-"

"I know."

A heavy silence invaded the room for such a long time that they both jumped when something started buzzing against a wooden stand next to Logan.

It all happened in a matter of seconds. After sharing a horrified look, Logan was the first to react and grabbed the phone with both hands before shouting Marianne's name and throwing the device frantically at Julian who fumbled with it as soon as his fingers touched it and almost dropped it when Logan shouted something about Julian's inability to catch objects in the air.

"Heh –hello?"

"Daddy?"

Julian choked as soon as he heard his son and started breathing heavily. "L-Lo-Logan? Lo?"

"Daddy, are you coming or not?"

Logan suddenly appeared by his side and was saying something Julian couldn't decipher. "Uhm, where are you, sweetheart?"

"Hiding." It was hard to focus on Logan when the other one kept mouthing instructions at him and hitting Julian's arm. "Took mommy's phone with me because she wouldn't let me call you."

Julian frowned and hit Logan harder just so he could completely focus on his son for a second. "Yeah, mommy is a bit upset right now but we'll be alright, Lo. Hey, listen to me, where are you and mommy?"

Logan tugged his sleeve and cocked his head towards the doorway. Julian followed and by the time the little kid finally managed to tell Julian they were at the airport, Logan had already started the car and was tracing a map on his mind to find the fastest way to get there. Ten minutes later, Julian hung up and took a deep breath before hitting the window. "Godfuckingdammit!"

"We're almost there," Logan lied.

The actor shook his head and bit his lip, eyes filling up with tears. The phone was still in his hand, clutching it for dear life; there wasn't a sound but the engine roaring louder every time Logan hit the gas pedal.

"You shouldn't have come at all, Logan."

He blinked when he heard his name and took him a moment to understand what Julian had said. The brunet was looking at the darkness outside, elbow on the armrest and hand holding the phone up to his lips. Logan stopped in a red light and took a deep breath.

"I know that now."

Julian turned around. "Why did you, anyway? What was the plan?"

"The plan was…" He grew desperate with the eternal red light and pressed the heel of his hands on his eyelids. "I didn't have a plan. I only had this stupid idea of us getting back together."

"Despite my wife and kid…"

Green light, finally. "That's why I said it was a stupid idea."

"No, this is beyond stupid," he hadn't looked away from Logan since he set his eyes on him and it was getting to his nerves. "I'm familiar with your stupid ideas and you outdid yourself with this one."

He was right. Logan hated when Julian was right. As soon as they got to the highway, he took it out on the gas pedal.

Do not panic.

You haven't lost your son in an airport.

There are no people staring at you wondering if you're Marianne Larson. Because you're not. Not anymore.

You are Marianne Phelps.

And you haven't lost your son in an airport.

Trying not to look desperate when you are actually desperate is hard when you're running without actually running in an airport looking for your missing son that isn't actually missing. The last thing Marianne needed was people judging her parenting skills when she was about to file for divorce.

"Anything?"

Dana shook her head frantically. "It's all my fault. I looked away for a minute and –"

Susan Sarandon would have slapped Dana into her senses but she couldn't risk it, people were already looking. "Security is already looking for him, he can't be that far," she muttered while keeping an eye on every person that pointed at her while whispering things.

And then nothing mattered.

Something had caught her attention.

One of Julian's latest movies was screening in a TV at the Radioshack store. Behind it, the head of a lion toy popped out for a moment and then disappeared again. Marianne strode her way into the store, turned left and there she found her son, talking to the stuffed animal and watching his father on the screens behind the big one he was using as a cover. She released a breath she didn't know she was holding and walked towards him.

"Hey, Lo."

Logan turned immediately and then went back to the TVs. "When I get to see daddy?"

She wasn't Susan Sarandon anymore.

"We'll meet him in LA," she kneeled by his side and brushed a lock of hair off his face. "He isn't coming with us."

"Why not?"

This wasn't the time, not even the place to explain it to her son. She looked down and found her phone on the floor. "You talked to daddy?" she smiled.

The little boy nodded and focused on his toy. "He said you two will be alright…"

"We will." It even shocked Marianne the sincerity of her answer. She remained quiet for a while –they will be alright just…not together anymore. "But now mommy needs to go back home. Would you come with mommy, Lo?"

She kissed the top of his head when Logan nodded again. "But he's still daddy, right?" He was talking at the Julian on the screens.

Marianne also looked. Logan's smile was as big as his dad's and she loved that. She loved Logan with all her heart; she'd do anything to keep that smile on his face, and one of the main reasons Logan smiled was because of his father. Marianne didn't have the heart to take that away from his son. Maybe Julian was Logan's favorite but that didn't mean anything to Marianne. She'd still kill and die for him.

"He'll always be daddy."

Everybody's broken and hurt. She wasn't going to break and hurt her son. Not now, not ever.

"And now that we're on the subject of your stupid self…" Logan growled and overtook a car with an abrupt maneuver. "After all this time I think I now deserve the truth."

"You already heard the truth–"

"Bullshit."

Logan kept driving in silence for a while, feeling how Julian's eyes were digging a hole on his temple waiting for an answer. An answer, he realized, he wasn't sure he had. "I did panic about us," he stopped but Julian's silence encouraged him to keep going. "But I mostly panicked because I knew I'd eventually fuck everything up. And, you know, before you were there to help me with my boyfriends but then…you were my boyfriend so if I fucked it up with you…." He didn't know how to finish that sentence for it was the first time he'd said it out loud and to other one but himself. When the silence became uncomfortable Logan turned to look at Julian who was staring at him dumbfounded, and winced. "Please say something."

The first thing he got after a couple more seconds of silence was a punch in the arm.

"Ow! Julian!"

"You fucking dickhead!" Another punch. "That was your fucking reason for breaking up with me?" Punch. "You didn't," punch, "have a," punch, "fucking," punch, "savior anymore?"

Logan managed to catch Julian's wrist when he went for the final blow and held it while still trying to drive at 80 mph on the highway. "It is called growing the fuck up, Logan! Taking responsibility for your actions." He freed himself from Logan's grip and scowled. "You can't depend on somebody else to help you clean up your mess. And if you would've wanted this –us," he made a frantic movement with his hand in the space between them "to work out, you would've at least tried."

There was another silence. Logan squeezed the steering wheel in distress but didn't bring himself up to look at the brunet. "It wasn't… I was trying to save you from myself as well."

"Oh, gee," he deadpanned, "aren't you so full of shit…"

He took the airport exit and slowed down a little. "We were a bomb ready to explode, you know that."

"No, actually," Julian turned and both held each other's gazes until Logan broke it to focus on the road. "I thought I'd found happiness with you."

"And how long do you think that'd last? Until I stop taking my meds, until I have a rage fit, until you go away for months to god knows where, until you realize I wasn't worth the shot–?"

"Stop. Stop saying that…" he shook his head. "Yeah, we were going against the odds. There were a million reasons for us to not be together but we could've done it. I was willing to fight for what we had."

"It's not like I wasn't, Jules." Another red light. They were close. "I wanted too, more than anything. I didn't want you to be just my friend anymore." He looked down at his lap and frowned, feeling a lump in his throat. "I asked you out, I was taking my meds, I was going to therapy, I wanted this to work because I thought you were the One, you know?" He turned at him and smiled sadly, Julian kept quiet. "Capital O, One. I loved you that much."

The light turned green and it took Logan a while to get the car back on track.

"And just when I realized how much I loved you," they passed a sign that read Airport - 5 miles and he knew they would never finish that conversation. "I also realized that I'd be nothing but a constant threat to our relationship."

"You don't know that…"

Ten years ago, Logan had heard the same tone on Julian's last I love you. Broken, sincere, hopeful, defeated… -everything that made Julian Larson Armstrong Jules. The person behind the mask, the actor tired of acting, the guy who had let his walls down for Logan to really know him.

Broken, sincere, defeated yet still hopeful Julian Larson Armstrong.

"Oh, but I do. I'd fuck it up because that's what I do, I sabotage myself when things are going swell and I would've dragged you into that hole with me eventually. I couldn't do that to you, Jules. I couldn't make you stay because I loved you that much. One morning it just hit me, you know?" They were at the gates now and it was hard for Julian to see anything but blurry lights. Logan cleared up the lump in his throat. "You were my capital O, One. The person I'd do anything to see happy. And so I did. It took me weeks to realize that I had to break you one last time for you to hate me. Because if you hated me, I'd be surely out of your life for good and you could get the happiness you deserved, and I'd be happy because you were out there with someone else that would never hurt you the way I did or would've done…"

"Logan…"

He smiled and looked down at his lap. "Of course that last part didn't come out as planned…"

"Lo…"

"We're here."

He said nothing in response and then blinked at the sound of the doors unlocking. "I'm taking responsibility from my actions now. I'm trying to get at least this right. I've literally drove you to your happiness, which is your family; not me –not anymore. So I'm begging you to walk away from me and get that happiness back. I'll promise I'll be happy for you… you know, eventually."

Logan smiled and Julian smiled back, a tear running down his cheek. He nodded, opened the door and before getting out he looked at Logan one last time. "You were my capital O, One too."

"Go before I regret this whole growing up thing."

Julian closed the door behind him and Logan looked at him run until he got lost in the mass of people coming and going. Oblivious to what had happened inside a car, oblivious of the guy who had let the love of his life go twice in his life. Oblivious of the pain in Logan's hand after having punched the window over and over again. Oblivious of everything but their comings and goings and their own stories…

Most importantly, they remained oblivious of how, after almost twenty-five minutes, someone knocked slightly that same window and Logan froze for an instant before fumbling with the lock and stepping down the car to examine him, to know that this was happening, that Julian -Jules was standing in front of him with huge eyes and smiling sheepishly at him.

Neither of them knew what to say next.

"On a scale of one to ten how inappropriate would be if I kiss you right now?"

Julian blinked at the question, dipped his chin to his chest and let out a long breath. After considering, he nodded and smiled at the floor. "Eleven."

"Figured."

"Divorce's still on." He raised his head and put both hands on his hips, pursing his lips. "She doesn't hate me, she just… Like she said, I need to sort my shit out –no, she didn't actually say 'shit'." Logan nodded and they didn't say anything else for a long time.

"I can't be with you, Logan. I can't be with anyone right now, actually. My life's too fucked up at the moment as you can see."

"Yeah…" Logan looked down and smiled to himself. "The fifth time I punched the window I realized that. I think I need to work on myself too –I mean," he ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, "breaking up a family just so I can get my ex back clearly reveals that I have issues."

They both shared a short laugh. Julian leaned back on the car next to Logan's and put his hands on his pockets, staring down at his feet. Logan pursed his lips, looking at the lights of a plane that was gaining altitude by the second. "I thought we could start over… When I read your name on that list I thought you wanted to start over, that's why I came."

"Good to know," he muttered with a nod. "Marianne was the one that put my name there, actually, I wasn't planning on going…"

He let out a bitter laugh. "That actually explains a lot."

Julian smiled in return. Another silence.

"Need a ride?"

"Nah, I'll just," the actor looked around, shrugging, "I think I'll just take a cab."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Logan got into his car, started it and rolled down the window. "Hey, what's the time limit to apologize for a really bad break up?"

The car was slowly moving backwards, Julian was following the pace of the car and laughed, considering. "Ten years."

"So I still have time?" He chuckled when Julian nodded. The car stopped. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that and for messing up your life again."

He shook his head and shrugged. "We weren't okay, anyway. The only thing that kept us together was Logan."

They didn't look at each other anymore. Julian was looking at the sky, hoping it'd rain. Logan kept his eyes on the road in front of him. "Have a nice life, Your Majesty."

His lips twitched up and he wasn't happy but he would be. He was still convinced broken people deserved happiness and that thought and his hope was the thing that'd keep him going. "Likewise, Princess."

Julian was the first to move. He was walking back to the airport. Logan battled with himself but finally decided not to look at him go. He just drove away.

They didn't see each other for ten months.

AN: Expect the epilogue before November 2nd. On the meantime you can tell me what you think. Or not. It's all up to you.

Love,

Sandra.