Chapter 5: Snake In the Grass

Dean groaned quietly, eyes heavy as the sun creeped up on them much like a lion creeps up on its prey in the brush. Or how a child sneaks up on their friend to give them a good scare. His left arm had an uncomfortable buzzing to it, must be asleep. He shifted his head to make sure. Dark hair flooded his blurry vision, he blinked a few times allowing his eyes to adjust to the light.

That's right, he and Cas had come out here last night. The two must have fallen asleep like this and spent the night out here. Dean inhaled deeply, feeling the weight of Castiel's head pushing down on him. It was strange, when Cas was lying like this it seemed like his whole life was in Dean's hand. He could reach down and snap his friends neck without him ever knowing, if he wanted to. He watched as the noble's head rose with him their breathing synchronized, this was what harmony looked like. Cas rolled over a little his hand resting on Dean's stomach. He sighed reluctantly. Cas didn't want to wake up apparently, a small smile drew up at the corner of Dean's lips.

It was cute, so despite the discomfort his arm was in he decided not to wake his sleeping angel. He rolled his head back to the center, so that he might face the morning sky. Rays of light were peaking through the clouds now, pinks and purples flooding his vision. It was a beautiful morning and if he hadn't been laying with Cas he might have fancied a walk. He exhaled, the morning air was brisk so he could see his breath. Castiel groaned quietly beside him, clutching at his shirt fabric. He looked like a helpless child, gripping his blanket tight. Vulnerable was the first word to come to mind. Innocent following there after.

For this moment in time, Dean was able to feel a sense of peace that he often lacked in his day to day life. With Castiel sleeping there on his chest, he felt that someone was relying on him. Yet not the same way that Sam would rely on him. This was different, it was as if Castiel was relying on him because he wanted too. There was nothing forced about his actions- a genuine act of trust. Dean kind of liked the sound of that.

In laments terms: he had made a friend all on his own. Now that friend trusted him, but not because someone said he had too. This was all Castiel, well- Castiel and Dean.

Strangely that wasn't something Dean did often, trusting didn't come easily to him. But it seemed to come easily to the noble who was resting silently on his chest. Castiel seemed to love blindly and unconditionally, putting his faith into the people that he cared about. In that way, he seemed very childish. Cas loved others and wasn't afraid of their scorn, he wasn't afraid to be thrashed by the whip of cruelty and manipulation. He chose to think the best of other people, a trait Dean usually found disgusting.

Yet on Castiel, it was quite charming. Maybe one would even say it was a redeeming quality that few people possessed. The type of person who loved recklessly and blindly was always the type of person that brought others together. Even if they didn't always know that they were a neutralizer. Dean wagered that if two people who were polar opposites were placed in a room with Castiel, by the end of the evening Cas would be able to make them part as unlikely friends.

The type of person who could ease the tension in a room, much like when someone coaxes a crying baby. The type of person who was capable of making others feel that they were safe, despite all circumstances. Which was odd, considering Castiel didn't fair well in a fight. He wasn't physically fit, nor mentally capable of doing real harm to someone else. He would rather reason with others then try and force them into conflict. He was at heart a lover, not a fighter.

Sadly though, he wasn't a romantic lover. Castiel was the type of person to view all love as platonic. People like him who were able to love others so freely and look for the admirable qualities rather then the bad ones often didn't fall in love. They were far too busy being caught up in the bounty that life had to offer. In this way, he would always remain a pure entity. A being that was beautiful, unbroken, and unscathed. Castiel didn't need to eat the apple in Eden, there was a whole garden to explore. He would always be pure, so he couldn't fall in love as that would mean sacrificing a part of that purity.

Almost certainly, he would never be able to fall in love with someone like Dean. A man who was dark and weathered. Who has stared into the abyss, only to the cold eyes of nothingness staring back. A person who routinely stared down death, violence, and human vice- a person who never blinked. Dean was a pessimist, a drop of black ink that would soak into Castiel's snow white paper. Altering it for life, they could remain as friends but nothing more. Dean was the dark to Castiel's light, the lion taking care of the lamb.

Not that Dean was thinking about them being anything more to Castiel the idea was just 's interesting where one's mind wanders off to when one cannot move because of a sleeping angel on their chest.

Castiel clutched Dean's shirt again, tighter this time. He murmured under his breath, as his dream continued one. "Michael..."

"Cas you okay?" Dean said, his words barely audible above the sounds of nature. Cas groaned again, offering no explanation. He rolled a little more pressing his face into Dean's chest as if it were a pillow. "Hey."

"What?" Cas asked quietly, pushing his head further into Dean.

"Art thou alright?" he repeated into Cas' hair.

"Aye." he answered. "Just let me linger here a little longer, I wish to dream of the home I once knew."

It was hard to argue with that. When one wishes to indulge in nostalgia they should be left to their own private thoughts. Dean could respect that being that he often wished to dream of his family. To dream of a peaceful world where there was no need for Robin Hood. A place where his mother never passed, where Sam could have a girl with whom he shared a special connection, and their father had no reason to put pressure on Sam. Strange how when he pictured his family happy there was nothing that he wanted. Just the fact that they would be happy was enough.

Dean let himself relax again, using his free hand to brush the top of Cas' head. Cas exhaled loudly, readjusting his head so that he was comfortable. Then once again he drifted out of consciousness leaving Dean alone in reality. Not that Dean minded of course. "What was thine home like?" he asked quietly.

"Warm when everyone was together. When we were all happy. Mom and dad together, then me and my brothers... The room would light up- my brothers have such an energy. They can fight but at the end of the day, they'll forgive each other. Even now, I have hope that one day they'll be able to see eye to eye someday. But, when everyone was off on their own doing their own business- the place seemed unnecessarily spacious. It seemed empty and cold without all of us together. A home with no hearth to keep it warm feels... barren and hallow..."

"When did it start feeling so empty?" Dean asked, engaging in the conversation with a lazy tone.

"When my mother left." he said sadly. "The light in my father's eyes left, he stopped caring about others. He became cold and detached- very sad... It tore my brothers apart. It tore me apart- to see them that way..."

"I know what that's like. When my mother passed, my father became so angry and driven. All he wanted was revenge... Some days- some days I worry that Sam will be just like him. I want him to live a full life, not one filled with hate."

"Hate is like a big black pool of tar. Once a person steps into it, the pit pulls them down. Then the more they struggle against it- the harder it is to escape. Only when one surrenders themselves to the mercy of others, only when they trust that that person will save them- can they truly be pulled out. Even then, they'll still be covered in black tar. They need others to help them scrap it off too. The best idea is to decide not to hate." Castiel paused. He was right, in a way. His analogy made sense, but it hit close to home. Dean felt himself on the verge of hate so many times, he felt himself so angry at those who were hypocritical. Often he felt himself wanting to hate, it would be so much easier. But like Cas said, if he started to hate would he ever be able to stop? He didn't want his sole purpose to be hate and revenge. That was a dangerous game to play. "I sense hate in you Dean."

"What?" Dean jumped a little. "No I don't..."

"But not the person one would think." Castiel observed quietly. "Its not the evil in the world you hate, its-"

"I don't hate Cas." Dean answered.

"I see... my mistake." Cas said softly.

"Ye don't believe me?"

"No, I do." Cas reassured weakly. "There are just moments, when I see anger in thy heart. Moments when you seem to be sad at the way the world is. Or angry about the way the world is..."

"Well, that's a true statement. I mean, out there in the real world there are so many bad people. There's so much crap that drags down good people. There's just chaos and violence, it drags innocent lives down. There are good people out there- they don't deserve the evil that's exists. But those people always end up screwed because they refuse to be selfish."

"But those people, the ones that thou says are always... 'screwed', they don't care. Because those people aren't looking to get a reward out of life. The reward that they receive is, its life Dean."

"Life?"

"Aye. Life." Cas repeated back. "Hath you ever just sat and listened to nature? Or enjoyed the taste of a freshly picked apple. Maybe you hath just sat back with thy family and been reinvigorated by their energy. Life, the things that fill you with energy. Family, nature, progress, whatever it is that's important to you. That's the reward that life hath to offer to those who are willing to receive it."

"That's a different perspective." Dean said thoughtfully, while he palmed ideally at Castiel's hair. "We should get up, before Sam comes out here and gives us funny looks."

"Fine." Cas agreed reluctantly rolling off of his cushion.

"So, would ye sleep on thy brother or is that just an exclusive thing?" Dean sassed.

"Oh hush." Cas answered, smacking Dean in the shoulder. "And yes, I have fallen asleep on my brothers in the past. So don't torment me about it."

"There's no point in telling me not to torment ye about something. Thou should know by now I shall torment you on what I see fit. I'm a pain like that." Dean smirked. Castiel offered no words merely followed behind Dean as they headed back into the cave. Sam was still asleep when they got inside, "Good for us." he whispered to Cas.

Cas laughed under his breath, Bobby's phoenix flying over and landing carefully on his shoulder. Dean wondered silently why it was that animals were just drawn to him. Cas turned his head to the side, giving a tiny smile to the bird. It was strange how Cas seemed to be more comfortable with animals. They were innocent, like he is. In some way, they belong together. When Cas said that nature was invigorating to him, he wasn't kidding.

"Come on. Rise and shine Sammy." Dean sang smacking his brother playfully. Sam rolled over, pulling his cloak over him and frowning. He looked like a hibernating animal, curled up in his cloak. Dean leaned down by where his brother's head was, an evil scheming smirk at one corner of his lips. "Wake up!"

"Go home." Sam mumbled barely coherent. Dean shrugged then grabbed the cloak, stripping Sam of his blanket. Sam groaned and protested loudly, but Dean was adamant that his brother wake up now.

After about fifteen minutes Sam was up and ready to go, almost like he was a completely different person. They had their campsite cleaned up in a matter of minutes. It was always much easier to do things when everyone was pitching in. Before they knew it they were outside on the beach, following the ocean shore.

By high noon they were halfway to the town. At the rate they were going they would probably make it by night fall. Dean stretched towards the sky happily, his horse doing most of the work giving him time to feel relaxed. He was a little tired from the swimming with Cas yesterday. Dean leaned his head back to the sky, "Mm. It doth feel great for us to be out in the sun. I wonder how many more days we'll have like this."

"It's true." Sam agreed. "It sure doth not feel like October."

"I wonder if we shall have a warm winter." Dean thought aloud.

"Ah don't jinx it!" Sam shouted, throwing his arms out to the sides.

"I'm not going to jinx it!" Dean returned defensively. "You're the jinx not me!"

Castiel chuckled quietly, content to watch the brothers argue. They didn't mean any harm to one another so it was okay. They were just being playful and having a disagreement. Dean looked over to Cas quickly, hearing his friend laughing quietly. "It's not funny, Cas. Stop laughing."

Dean watched as Cas quietly clammed back up, as if someone had just shot him down with an arrow. His features went a little darker, a crimson color creeping into his cheeks. His eyes going downcast, to hide from Dean. He didn't mean to snap, he meant for it just to be a simple jest but instead it came out forceful. The words crippling Castiel's budding wings. He was trying to get out of the nest and Dean just threw a rock at him. "S-sorry." Dean stammered, feeling stupid.

"Its alright." Cas replied quietly.

Idiot. Dean repeated over in his head. Here he was trying to be kind and be silly and it all just came out wrong. He chewed his lower lip, trying to think of something to say to help. Dean reached for Castiel's shoulder but Cas brushed it off pushing his horse forward. The Pegasus' wings spread, flapping a few times creating a strong wind that made Sam and Dean stop. Then with no further warning, the horse dashed up into the skies.

"Nice. I think you hurt his feelings." Sam declared, making Dean feel even more like an idiot.

"Yeah, thanks- I got that." he frowned.

"What happened last night?"

"What?" Dean asked, his neck snapping to face his brother. He felt a blush creeping up in the sides of his cheeks but he forced it back down. Sam wasn't allowed to see him looking flustered or flushed, that implied vulnerability. Vulnerability that he wasn't allowed to show around Sam or his father. He was supposed to be a man, a soldier, Robin Hood. These people weren't emotional or flustered. They were confident, endearing, capable.

"Thou didn't come back last night." Sam observed.

"We were on a walk." Dean half lied. What they were really doing was laying under the stars and sharing stories. Talking.

Connecting.

Something that Dean hadn't done in a long time. He was always Mr. Soldier, far too busy to be having frivolous conversations under the moonlight with a man. With a man. That kind of thing was really taboo unless it was your family. It was rare for two men to be together in public, that was always the type of thing that people kept a secret. It was just unnatural. Two men did not belong together, as there was no way they could ever conceive. According to his father: "In order for two people to have a successful relationship they must have the right equipment. One must be capable of bearing children. If a man and a woman weren't together then how would the human race progress? And that's not even touching on god."

God.

His mother believed in god, she believed in angels too. She believed in a higher power and every time she would tuck Dean in she would whisper: "Angels are watching over thee." His mother believed in god and his mercy, his plan for everyone. Even so, she never said that two men would burn in hell for being in love. She believed that people are born to fall in love, it doesn't matter who it is that you fall in love with. God would always forgive you because he is just.

But if god was so just why did he kill Mary Winchester? If god was so great then why did he choose to make John Winchester a revenge driven sociopath? If god was so perfect, so merciful, and so caring why did he let Sam and Dean Winchester be raised to avenge people? To take from those in a higher place and give to those in need.

Dean believed in the cape, he believed in helping those who couldn't help themselves. He didn't believe in revenge or in hatred- but Sam did.

If god was such a wonderful person why didn't he give a damn and why was he so cruel?

"So you took a walk, for two hours?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"What dost thou mean, 'I guess so'. It's not a guess it is or it isn't." Sam said skeptically. He didn't seem to be buying what Dean was selling. Which wasn't uncommon, Sam always had the uncanny ability to annoy Dean into telling the truth. But here the truth seemed almost dangerous. Instead of being an elephant in the room, it was more like the snake in the grass. A poisonous snake hiding underneath the brush waiting to make one decisive strike.

"It is. Okay? We went for a walk." Dean replied, egging on his horse to go from a saunter into a gallop. The breeze rushed against his skin, sea air smelling fresh and clean. He pushed his horse to go a little faster, but Sam didn't give chase. Instead he hung back, apparently he wasn't as interested in forcing Dean to speak.

Which was good because Dean no longer felt like speaking. It was time to ride the wind, to feel the air, to be free. Despite his desire to feel free though, he still felt trapped. The weight of expectation weighing heavily on his shoulders. So he rode faster, the wind changing into a violent gust against his face.

One cannot outrun themselves. They can't outrun there fears, expectations, anxiety, sadness, guilt, frustration, and most importantly their past. But Dean Winchester was determined to try. The faster he went, the more frustrated he felt. The more he wanted to run to the nearest cliff and jump off into the ocean. The more he wanted to turn into a bird and fly away.

But he couldn't run forever. Eventually he had to slow down, his horse returning to a slow stride now that he was maybe a mile or two ahead of Sam. God knows where Castiel was at this point. Miles away in the atmosphere, trying to catch clouds with his bare hands probably. "I'm an idiot." he whispered to no one.

"Nay. Just someone who makes mistakes." a voice said from behind.

Or rather what he thought was no one.

Dean jumped a little, turning his head to see Castiel. "I- I figured thou would hath stopped over by Sam instead of me."

"As I was descending, I saw thee first. So..." he shrugged lightly.

"I said something careless." Dean said quietly.

"Aye." Cas agreed. "But, that doesn't mean that one cannot make up for it."

"How can you just be okay with it?" Dean asked, borderline snapping again.

"I just can. I hath had time to process it and to move on." Cas replied, his eyes focusing on a distant object. Dean glanced over quietly, noticing the distance in Castiel's eyes. He wasn't looking at Dean, his expression was just vacant. Like there was nothing behind those blue crystals.

"So what? Ye fly up into the sky, think, and everything is fine?" Dean asked.

"Pretty much. I should take thee next time." Cas said thoughtfully.

"Uh... I don't do heights."

"But, it feels wonderful. The wind whipping against one's face, one can reach out and touch the clouds. Its wonderful, I can put you in front of me so you'll be safe." Cas reassured passively.

"I don't do heights." Dean repeated. He meant it too, he was afraid of heights. Something about falling made him feel helpless. Like instead of falling through the air, he was falling apart. Going further and further, until he hit the ground and smashed completely into pieces. Like the most precious and delicate vase that was knocked from its place on the mantel.

What was worse then falling apart, was falling in a dream. You would never know when you were going to hit the ground. Falling could take hours, there was no way to tell. Dean swallowed hard, anxiety squirming like worms inside his belly. He felt sick and nauseous at the thought of falling- in any context. But he bit back the feeling, hoping that Castiel couldn't see his weakness. Especially since Cas seemed to be forming a habit of looking straight through him.

On the upside, Castiel remained silent beside him. Dean decided to steal a quick glance at him, hoping he didn't say something offensive again. A stoic figure rode alongside him, eyes distant and cool in the moment. Cas gazed over passively observing Dean, who was observing him. So almost immediately Dean found himself looking away.

"Hey! Wait up!" Sam's voice chided from behind them as raced to their sides.

Weird day. Dean thought silently.

Another short chapter. I keep feeling like I should apologize but rather then do that I'm going to just explain why I haven't been updating. I have been thinking critically about going back to school. Really weighing pros and cons, I'm happy to say that I have applied to a school. So I've been busy trying to get things together for them, since I'm applying to The Art Institute. As you may not know, I am an artist as well as a writer. It's been a dream of mine to get a degree in animation so that I might apply to work for Disney.

Just a little tid bit about me.

So yeah. That's been keeping me busy. I'm thinking I'm going to work out a schedule for updating but I haven't quite worked it out yet. I'm trying to figure out how I can keep writing while returning to my normal life. Baby steps my friends, baby steps.

That doesn't mean I'll stop posting. I really encourage you to follow me on tumblr (its lookingatthepieces) if you want to read some of my meta and theories. I love discussion and I'd love to debut about characters if you guys have time. Most of the times I just drown in feelings but I really do talk about what symbols, parallels, and other things I notice as I watch Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries, really anything. Also if you would like to look at my art work (though I haven't updated in a while and I really should get some more current stuff on there) you can go to my Deviant Art page which is also lookingatthepieces.

Just saying, I'd love to connect with my readers in a place where its more of a discussion.

This Fanfiction is really inspired by the soothing sounds of Ingrid Michaelson. Her songs are so Dean and Cas it hurts. A lot.

Also did you guys hear? Felica Day is returning to Supernatural in 8x11 'LARP and the Real Girl'. Really excited about that- because Charlie. Fuck yeah. And Garth is supposed to be in 8x06. Yayness.

Anyway, I'm rambling so I'll end it here.

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