The weekend came and he went back home, so I was free for two whole days without any distractions or confusion. After the whole Seifer incident plus Axel's flare up, I figured it would be best to just stay away from anything or one that would make my head spin, and Axel definitely makes it on that list. But when he came back, I made a point to avoid him and any awkwardness that would come by being near him.
I was avoiding him like he had a deadly disease, and I hated how shallow I felt at the lengths I went to to make sure we didn't run into each other, but I couldn't help it. I'd look out my door before I'd leave to make sure he wasn't in the hallway; I'd make sure I didn't see his towel hanging over any shower curtains; stupid paranoid stuff like that. For a whole week I acted like I couldn't be anywhere near him, and one day when I was tip toeing down the hall, I felt a hand on my shoulder, yanking me backward.
"Whoa!" I yelled as I fell into his hands.
"Calm down." He said, looking serious.
"Did you have to give me a heart attack?" I said, trying to control my racing heart.
"Did you have to break mine?" He folded his arms and I looked at him funny.
"What are you talking about?"
"Come with me," he turned around, not even checking if I followed, but I knew I could only avoid him for so long, since it really was a lot of work.
"What is it?" I asked after he shut the door behind me.
"Answer me this Roxas: Do you really not remember, or do you just not want to remember?"
"Remember what?" I said, getting angry and impatient.
"Remember your Aki!" He said, pointing to his chest.
Wait a second. He….he's my Aki? My best friend, from my past?
"Aki?" I asked. My memories of him were vague at best because I was little, but now that I thought about it, he did look a lot like him.
"Yeah, your Aki! How many fucking redheads do you know?" He pointed to his hair as I gulped.
"You calling me stupid?" He had a point, but it's not my fault I forgot.
"Maybe careless." He scoffed as I grew frustrated. "Roxy, I held you and took care of you when you were sick and when your parents would ignore you. I kissed you and loved you when you would cry that no one else would." Axel looked at the floor, looking so sad, and so I joined him by staring at my shoes with a frown.
"Those memories seem too good to be true."
"Well they are true and it's not fair that you're taking whatever issues you have out on me!" Axel yelled and I got angrier.
"Issues? Excuse me that I don't want to be used and hurt!"
"All I want to do is love you." Axel said irritably and I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, that really proves it."
"You know what Rox, you can go fuck your cocky lil self all alone for all I care." Axel crossed his arms and bent down to be eye level with me, and before I could stop myself, I slapped him.
I didn't even realize how my eyes were watering.
"Fuck you! I am all alone because my Aki left me and I couldn't find him! I'm sorry if I don't want to be loved, but I don't know what it feels like and I'm scared because I don't want to have to look for anyone again. I don't want to be alone." I sobbed as I covered my face with my hands, and to my surprise, I felt his arms around me.
"You don't have to be alone Roxas. Your Aki is back. I'll love you and care for you, just like I used to." Axel whispered but I pushed him away.
"Who says I want your love anymore? It's too late!" I opened his door and ran into my room, scared of what could have happened next if I didn't; scared that I could have accepted his tempting offer, or that I would have snapped and made the situation much worse.
From now on, I really have to avoid him. I have to make sure I never end up alone with him; cause as afraid as I am of being alone forever, I'm more afraid of being loved and having to love in return.
It wasn't long till Axel came knocking on my door, but I never answered it. I heard him calling my name, but I never responded. Thank god he didn't have my number, but I know I never would have gotten my lazy, selfish, ass out of bed. Was I being selfish? Or just careful? Either way, I had to protect myself. From what? I'm not exactly sure, but it's out there, whatever 'it' is, and I refuse to let myself fall victim to it.
Thanks to all of my busy classes, I hardly ran into him for the next week and a half. I went a long time not having to see that perfect face, those dazzling eyes, or those tempting lips.
I worked hard to be invisible, but on my way back from class one day, I felt a hand pulling my arm and next thing I knew, I was in his dorm, backed up into the closed door, his palms at the sides of my hair.
"Axel?" I asked, trying to squirm to leave, but he wouldn't let me move as he pinned my wrists above my head and pushed my legs into the door behind me with his.
He didn't say anything; didn't look me in the eye, but he did kiss me. He pressed his lips hard against mine as I fidgeted, trying to escape. When I pushed hard enough, he backed up.
"What the fuck?" I yelled, running out of his dorm and into mine, locking the door behind me. I don't know why, but I started crying. I sat against my locked door, sobbing to myself as I hated him more for making me hate myself.
I didn't love him, didn't want to love him; I just wanted to be alone in my lonely life and move on. Right? Fuck, I can't even lie to myself. His lips were so warm, so smooth and friendly, but it was painful. It ached my heart to the core, just feeling the love escape from his flesh and onto mine. I didn't want it. I didn't want him. I just wanted to go back to how things were, before he cared about me. I just wanted to go back to being invisible. I know I used to bitch about it, but at least when I'm invisible, I'm alone in my misery. Now, now I dragged Axel into my drama, and I hate feeling so guilty for other people's suffering. I was the blame for my parents problems, and I never want to be the reason for anyone else's pain. That's why I need to be alone. Not just for me, but for everyone else.
I moved to my desk and worked on my essay for the entire day before I got up to shower, praying on my life that we wouldn't run into each other.
I was in the clear as I made it down the hallway, but when I walked into the bathroom, I saw him. I tried to ignore him as best I could when he grabbed my wrist.
"Let me go!" I snapped, but when we made eye contact, it was clear that he had been crying.
"I'm sorry." He looked at the ground beneath us and I sighed.
"It's ok." I whispered before he pulled me into his shirtless, toweled body.
"I love you." He said, kissing my forehead when I pried my body off of his.
"Just stop kissing me." I shivered as I went into my stall, secretly blushing. That forehead kiss may have been unwanted, but it was warm and it felt good. Not just sexually, but somehow, it felt good inside. I put my hand over my heart, just breathing, thinking about what his one kiss was doing to me and how I felt about that. I was scared. I was nervous. Was I angry? I don't really know. I just felt vulnerable, and I didn't like that; but I also felt warm, and that always feels nice.
It was so conflicting, because I was still so bothered by everything. I missed feeling like I was invisible, no matter how much I used to hate it, but the warmth of his presence and the butterflies caused by his company are not something that can be easily ignored. I wanted answers, from myself, without having to think about the solutions. I wanted to be invisible, but I wanted to be warm. Loneliness is beyond cold; it's freezing with a yearning for arms that care and hands that cradle emotions with delicacy and love. Love. Yeah, that's what I want.
After my shower, I ran to my dorm before he got out of his, and when I was back inside, I finished my homework as I listened to some music.
The next day I saw him walking down the hall away from his dorm as I was walking towards mine.
"Hey beautiful." He smiled and I looked at him funny.
"Excuse me?"
He pinned me against the wall, looking up and down the empty hall. "I told you I love you; I will stop at nothing to earn your love back." He said as I shook nervously. "I love you Roxas." He smashed his lips against mine as I wriggled against his body and the wall. "Keep moving, it's only making me harder." He whispered and I froze.
"Ah, Aki," I couldn't help but utter, feeling his tongue sweep across my trembling lips.
It was tantalizing. It was erotic yet innocent; it was burning with passion yet it left me shivering all the same. I couldn't understand what it was that he was doing, or how, but as I stood trapped between his body and the wall, I accepted my fate as his prisoner. I couldn't move, couldn't think, could hardly breath as his legs pressed firmly against mine. As I felt his knee rub up into my crotch, feeling returned to my fingers, causing my brain to switch back 'on'.
"Let me go, creep!" I pushed him off me and quickly ran into my dorm, turning around at the last second to see him smiling at me.
Again, I slumped against my locked door, trying to figure out all these crazy thoughts and emotions flowing through me. I didn't want him to love me, didn't want to love him, but at those words, I couldn't help but feel something.
No; stop. I can't allow him to win me over, as if I were some prize or some game. No matter what, I have to stay strong. No matter what, I can't love him. This can't work. It's not even a matter of what I want. It's what needs to be.
That night, I dreamt of memories, flashbacks really, of what used to be. I was reminded of just how much Axel had always meant to me, back when I was little, back when I had no one, except him.
I was five, and I, I was alone in my bedroom. My parents were out with Sora, spending munny on him, spoiling him, making sure that he was always smiling; all while I sat in my bedroom, bored. Then, out of nowhere, Axel climbed up the wall and into my window, luckily on the first floor. Even in my dream, I had the same smile as I did those years ago, where I could hardly contain my joy.
"Aki!" I clapped as he stood up.
"Roxy!" Axel hugged me as I squeezed him.
"Missed you." I didn't let him go.
"Me too." Axel ruffled my hair. He would always try to sneak in my room at night, but he didn't for the two nights prior, and that made me miss him dearly.
"You, you can stay with me tonight, right?" I had to be sure, even though he had spent nearly every night with me for the past year.
"Mhm." He nodded quickly.
"Good!" I took his hand and held it.
Axel yawned as he nodded.
"You're already sleepy?" I asked him and he gave a shy nod.
"Sorry," he rubbed his eyes.
"It's ok, come on, let's sleep." I rushed in bed before I snuggled up to him.
"Aki? Can you read to me?" I asked, because my reading still sucked at that age, and I always fell asleep to his voice reading to me.
"Uh-huh."
"Can you read this one? There are pictures." I remember how every day I would rent a book at the library, where I spent most of my time when I knew I had to wait for Axel to visit me in my room. Then when Axel came at night, I would have him read to me, so I could fall asleep to the sound of his voice.
"The Cat in the Hat?" Axel read the title. "This is for babies." He said, but I shook my head.
"I think it's funny." I giggled.
"I think you're funny." Axel giggled back.
"Aki?" I closed my eyes.
"Hm?"
"I like you." I rolled over, nervous to see his face as I tried to fall asleep.
"I like you too Roxy." Axel held me and read to me as I fell asleep. When I woke up, Aki was gone, but my book was in my bed.
I remember going back to the library that day, renting more books, and waiting for Aki that night. I stayed up as late as I could with my window open as the wind blew inward, causing me to shiver as my hopes of his entrance died.
I got myself situated in bed, tears forming in my eyes as I realized just how much I needed him.
"Goodnight Aki," I sniffled to myself, wishing he were there to say it.
Nothing.
"Night Roxy," I said for him in his stead, but it just wasn't the same. I wiped my eyes before I started crying harder, missing him badly. It had only been a day, but it felt like an eternity at that young an age.
"Don't cry." I stopped rubbing my leaking eyes to see Axel climbing into my room. I jumped out of bed and tackled him for a hug, accidentally knocking him onto the ground as I fell on top of him.
"Oof!" Axel grunted.
"Sorry!" I apologized, standing up and extending my hand.
"It's ok. I'm happy you missed me." Axel smiled wide.
"I always do." I sniffled.
"Don't cry Roxy. I'm right here." He hugged me.
"I like you Aki." I smiled as I swayed from side to side in our embrace.
"I like you too." He whispered, as if we were saying something forbidden, yet true.
"I, I thought you weren't going to come." I shivered.
"Sorry I'm late." Axel apologized.
"I was worried." I frowned.
"I wouldn't miss your birthday eve." Axel smiled. "Happy almost birthday Roxy." Axel pecked my lips as my cheeks stained red.
"You, you remembered?" I asked.
"Of course." Axel giggled.
"I'm so glad you're here!" I choked him with a tight hug.
"I'm glad you're here." Axel smooched my cheek.
"Can we go to bed now?" I asked and he nodded, holding me as I used his arm as I pillow.
"Goodnight Roxy." He kissed my cheek.
"Goodnight Aki." I squeezed his waist. We fell asleep, and when I woke up to see him still with me, I smiled.
"Happy birthday Roxy." Axel rubbed my side.
"Thank you Aki." I inhaled deeply.
"Now that you're awake, I should probably leave." Axel sat up with me still on his chest.
"No! Don't go!" I begged.
"I don't want you to get in trouble, or me." He frowned. "I just wanted to say happy birthday once you woke up."
"Aki, please don't go. I," my eyes watered. "I don't want to be alone on my birthday." I started to sniffle.
"I'll be back tonight." Axel stood up.
"Don't leave me." I followed him as he walked to the window.
"Roxy, I will come back. But I'm not supposed to be here right now. I'll come play later, ok?" he asked with a smile, so I nodded.
"I'm gunna wait right here." I pointed to where my feet were planted.
"Hehe, ok Roxy. I like you." He kissed my cheek as I bit my lip.
"I like you too Aki." I hugged him as tight as I could.
"No crying on your birthday, ok?" he pointed a finger at me and I nodded back.
"Bye," he said before he disappeared out my window.
That entire day, my parents took Sora out, but I stayed home. They didn't ask if I wanted to go with them, as if they expected me to be all alone on my sixth birthday.
I didn't care; I had a job, and that was to wait patiently for Axel, which I did.
For hours, I sat on my bedroom floor, trying to improve my reading, since I wanted to impress Axel so badly.
"Roxy?" I heard a tiny voice out my window, so I ran.
"Aki!" I cheered as I helped him up.
"I'm back!" he hugged me, so I laughed as I hugged him back.
"I'm so happy." I smiled.
"Good. You should be happy on your birthday. You're six now, almost as big as I am!" Axel pointed to himself.
"I want to be seven so badly." I huffed.
"Hehe, one day." Axel sat on my bed.
"Oh, Aki, look!" I took a book out of the stack on my floor. "Green eggs and ham," I started reading as Axel watched. He corrected my few errors, but when I finished, he started clapping.
"That was great Roxy." Axel patted my head.
"I can't wait to be as good a reader as you." I pointed at him.
"Keep practicing." He smiled, but it looked tired.
"Are you ok?" I could tell that something was wrong.
"Just tired." He shrugged.
"Come on, we can nap." I fluffed up my pillow.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be bored on your birthday." Axel was always so considerate.
"Mhm, as long as you're here, I'll be happy." I got cozy in bed as I watched Axel do the same.
"Roxy?" Axel asked as if he were thinking.
"Hm?" I was curious to hear his thoughts.
"I have a present for you, but I left it at home." Axel frowned.
"A present?" I got excited.
"Mhm. I can go get it now if you,"
"No, it's ok. I'd rather wait. Just want to hold you." I put my arms around him.
"Hehe, ok. I'm glad. Cause I want to hold you too. I'll bring your present next time. Promise." Axel put his arms around me.
"Goodnight Aki." I curled up into his embrace.
"Goodnight Roxy." Axel held me throughout the night. When I woke up, he was gone, as usual, and as always, I grew as sad as ever.
At least, that was until that night came, and Axel didn't show up, and I learned a new definition of the word 'sad'. When the third night passed without his visit, I couldn't help but cry. Four nights passed, then five, and when the sixth came and went, I was sure that something had happened to him.
Then, on the eighth night, he came, and I was so happy and so sad all at once, that I cried even as he held me.
"Why did you leave me?" I sobbed in his arms on my bed.
"I'm sorry." Axel looked more tired than usual. He always showed up to my house, ready to sleep, but there was an exhaustion about him that couldn't be explained.
"I, I missed you." I sniffled onto his shoulder.
"I'm sorry." He repeated.
"Don't leave me again, ok?" I ordered as I rubbed my cheek on his chest.
"Ok." His voice seemed hallow, but I was too confused in my saddened happiness to question it. Instead, I fell asleep in his arms, and when I woke up, he was going out the window.
"Aki!" I called out to him.
"Roxy? Go to bed." He said.
"I'll see you tonight?" I asked, but he looked like he was thinking.
"I love you Roxy."
My eyes went wide. Even as a kid, I knew not to throw that word around.
"Aki?" I was confused.
"I love you," He smiled, but he looked hurt, like he was going to cry.
"I love you too." I smiled, and then his smile grew.
"Bye Roxy." He waved, and I waved back, feeling a sorrow deep down inside me. We never waved goodbye. Never. There never felt a need to do such a thing, but somehow, this goodbye felt more real than all the previous ones. But I held onto the promise that he would return, and give me my birthday present, and hold me as I slept, as he always did.
Little did I know that that would be the last time I would see Axel, until college.
Author's Note: I have an exam in my Japanese class in two days so that's why I've been gone for a while, but after that things should mellow out. Also I've been super busy looking at random cosplays. I wish I was good at arts and crafts cause I suck at that sort of thing, and I really wish I knew how to make them, or at least I wish I could make munny out of writing fanfiction so I could afford these cosplays Anyway, onto the story. So, we see some history between the two, and a cute/sad one at that! But Axel is stepping up, bold and brave! Although, it looks like Roxas' frustrations and fears are getting in the way. Shame.
To twilighttimefan: Thank you for your enthusiasm! I appreciate all the support! Please keep reviewing ;)
To Chibiseme97: I'm fangirl squealing at your fanboy squeals! Hahaha! Yay for accurate predictions.
To luckycat222: hahaha, yeah, it was pretty obvious that it was Axel all along, and I feel like the Roxas in this story would act all bipolar/stubborn like that! It's so frustrating, it makes for a better story lol.
To barnabas Collin: Thank you! Such an encouragement to hear!
To ReliveTheGreat: Yeah, it is frustrating when something you're anticipating doesn't happen because someone got drunk….. I'm going to add a new chapter into this story that is going to be nearly word for word a personal experience that just happened to me a few days ago….you'll see haha.
To RoxasVentusHikari: Hahaha, your last review made it seem as if I would let things work out all perfect and smooth! Sorry, but you know I can't do that . Meh, life is busy, and family struggles are getting worse, but as for me personally, I'm still hanging in here, so its all good ^_^ I hope you're doing great!
To Fanfic-over-published: CONGRATS on making your account! Welcome to fanfic haha. Omg, I'm so glad that people see my tumblr! I'm always liking things, but never posting (I think my ex found my account and now I'm scared to post my yaoi :/ ) anyway, yes, I have TONS of KH yaoi, so please check it out, and thank you so much for reviewing this one!
To makoblue93: Thank you for the paopu cookies! They were yummy ^_^ I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Love, Sarabellum
To xion113: Aww, thank you so much, I appreciate hearing that so super much!
To kindofabadger: *bigger hugs back* Haha, isn't intoxicated Roxas just too cute? I mentioned to another reader that I'm going to add another chapter that will encompass my first intoxication, which happened just a few days ago (I know, bad Sarabellum!) but I'm hoping you will all get a good laugh out of it :P
To ZeltaFrost: It will all be revealed in due time whether or not they did anything while Roxas was intoxicated. And yeah, its not supposed to be clear, so you aren't slow, don't worry! I'm doing much better, just down from school and my mom's poor health. But I'm staying positive, so it's helping. Thanks for all of your support!
To Purple Rin Ninja: Thank you! Such sweet complements in your review, I appreciate them all. Yes, Roxas and Axel re just too perfect! Thanks for reviewing!
Announcement: I have been getting a TON of requests for stories lately, and I really am SO honored and happy to be a thought in your mind when thinking of an author. Due to recent struggles, but financial and time-related, I'm going to request a small fee for any story. It'll be cheap, so no need to worry! Short stories (like one-shots) will be about $5, for your very own pairing and plot. Longer/more developed story will rang based on plot ideas, but I will provide estimates before any 'deal' is made. I hope this doesn't discourage anyone from requesting a story. I've actually been told by several people that they would pay, so please don't be scared to ask for an estimate! (I accept )
Thank you everyone for reading!
Love, Sarabellum