I had these weird dreams every night for nearly a whole week after he last kissed me. In these dreams, I didn't fight back; I didn't push him away or reject his affection. I just…I let him love me. I let him hold me; I let him tell me that he loves me; I even let him kiss me. In those dreams, I got my Aki back. When I wake up, I don't know how to feel. I guess I have this sense of longing, like, like maybe I miss him. But then I get angry. Bitter at how we used to be such perfect friends and perhaps even more when we were little. But then it all ended when he left me.
I remember when he first came into my life; the very day I met him.
I was bored, early into my fifth year, exploring the nearby woods that surrounded my neighborhood. I used to spend a lot of my time wandering about the area, since I knew that my parents didn't care enough to warn me not to. By the time I was five, I already had my very own secret hideout, and I was on my way there when I heard a noise. Naturally as a child, I became frightened, and when the noise of snapping twigs got louder, I gulped.
"Whose there?" I jumped through a bush, officially entering my secret place, a small patch of grass that was hidden perfectly by tall bushes and shrubs.
"Whoa?" A tall redhead boy stood up, caught off guard.
"Who are you?" I asked, curious as to how he found my secret spot.
"I'm Axel." He said shyly.
"Ahki-sickle?" I failed.
"Axel." He shook his head.
"Ah-key-si, Aa-ku," I grunted at myself as I struggled to say his name.
"A-X-E-L." He said slowly.
"Aki, how did you find this place?" I abbreviated his name.
"I just found it." He shrugged simply.
"Hmm, it's my secret place." I pointed at my chest. He looked at me curiously before I pointed to the yellow thing on his head. "What's that?"
"This is my fireman hat." He patted it.
"You're a fire man?!" I asked enthusiastically.
"Mhm!" he nodded happily. "Well," he frowned. "Not yet. But one day I will be!"
"Why?" I was curious.
"Cause I want to help people.
"Wow, so you're going to be a hero?" I was mesmerized by the bigger kid.
"I guess." He put a finger to his innocent lips.
"So you'll save me, if I need help?" I asked.
"Well," he looked around. "There has to be a fire."
"Nu-uh!" I argued. "Hero's help people, no matter what!" I pointed at him.
He thought for a moment before he nodded. "That's true. Ok, I'll help, no matter what!" he fisted an open palm.
"Promise?" I asked and he nodded. "You have to say it."
"I promise." He held up an honest hand.
"Good. I'm Rocks-ess." I tapped my chest.
"Roxy-is?" he asked and I shook my head.
"Rocks-ess! It's easier than your name, Aki-sickle."
"It's Axel," he giggled.
"Aki." I nodded with a goofy grin.
"Hehe, you're funny." He took off his fireman hat.
"You too." I sat down looking up at the tall trees.
"So how did you find this place?" Axel asked me.
"I live there." I pointed in some random direction. "I come here a lot."
"I just moved here." Axel sat next to me, keeping his hat in his lap.
"Do you have friends?" I asked, but Axel shook his head with a frown. "What about me?" I asked, hurt.
"Huh?"
"Want to be friends?" I asked and he nodded.
"Ok."
"Good, cause I get lonely." I clicked my shoes together, my legs extended before my body.
"Me too." Axel said quietly. It went silent before he stood up.
"Where are you going?" I asked, not wanting him to leave.
"Home."
"Oh." I frowned. "Will you come back tomorrow?" I asked.
"Ok." He shrugged.
"Good." I smiled.
"Bye." He ran off as I stayed for a little while longer.
That next day, I didn't see him, so I figured he either didn't show, or he was there when I wasn't. I couldn't explain why, but I really wanted to see him again. Just one encounter with him made me want to keep him at my side for forever. To be honest, he was my only friend. And we hardly even knew each other, but still, I could tell that he understood me. The day after, I had gotten in trouble with my mom for not listening, so after she scolded me, I ran to my secret place, crying.
"Roxy?" I heard Axel voice as I cried, sitting on the grass with my face in my hands.
"Aki?" I sniffled.
"Why are you crying?" he asked curiously as he sat next to me.
"Cause nobody, no, nobody loves me!" I sobbed.
"Your mommy loves you." He said but I shook my head.
"She just loves my brother."
"What about your daddy?" he rubbed my back soothingly.
"Him too." I rubbed my leaking eyes.
"Your brother?" he guessed next.
"Mommy wont let me play with him." I chocked on some tears. My mother had my twin and I segregated, as if she were afraid I'd somehow mess up his perfect life. "Nobody likes me." I cried harder.
"I like you." Axel said quietly.
"You, you do?" I paused my tears to ask.
"Mhm." He nodded with a sincere smile.
I, I like you too." I swallowed hard.
"Good." He patted my head.
"Did you come yesterday?" I had nearly forgotten about my sorrow.
"Yeah, but it got dark, so I went home." Axel said.
"Oh. I came too, but you weren't here." I cleaned my face with my sleeve.
"Roxy?" Axel asked, sounding serious.
"Yeah?"
"It's cold out here. And it's going to get dark soon."
"We can go to my room." I stood up.
"Ok." Axel stood up next. "Where is your house?" he asked, so I took his hand. It was warm. I'll never forget that. His palm was soft and warm and I wanted to hold onto it without ever having to let go.
"This way." We made it out of the forest and up to my bedroom window, just above my head, facing the pathway we had just trotted.
"Here, I'll give you a boost." Axel lifted me up into my window, then used his height to climb in next.
I quickly shut my bedroom door and sat on my bed while Axel glanced around my room.
"Wooow, you have a lot of toys." He said in awe.
"They're my brothers old toys." I mumbled. All of my toys were the ones that Sora either got bored of, or broke.
"You have a lot of books." Axel pointed to a corner in my room.
"I want to read."
"You don't know how?"
"It's hard!" I complained.
"Hehe, I can help you." Axel offered with a smile.
"Really?" I asked with excitement.
"Sure." Axel sat on my bed.
"Gee, thanks!" I smiled wide. Axel and I played with my toys in my room for a few hours before we got tired.
"Aki? Can you read to me?" I asked with a yawn.
"Are you sleepy?" he giggled as I nodded. "Which one?"
"This one." I pointed, my thumb in my mouth.
"Roxy, you're not a baby." Axel laughed at me.
"I'm sleepy!" I whined back.
"You're cute." He said, causing me to blush shyly.
"Am not!"
"Uh-huh, but it's a good thing." He smiled.
"Thank you." I whispered.
"Ok, I'll read this one." Axel took the book I had pointed to and began to read as I laid down in bed.
Before I knew it, the sound of his calm voice reading was putting me to sleep, and when I heard creaking, I rushed to sit up.
"Aki?" I rubbed my sleepy eyes to see him walking to the window.
"Night Roxy." He said as he got ready to exit.
"Don't go," I reached for him.
"Bed-time." He said.
"It's dark!" I was scared for him.
"You'll be fine." He reassured me with a smile.
"But you'll get lost." I frowned.
"I live right there." Axel pointed to the house right next to mine. He…he was my new neighbor.
"Can you come play tomorrow?" I asked, and he nodded.
"Goodnight." He repeated before he crawled out the window.
I fell back asleep, and from then on, we spent time together almost daily.
I sat up in bed one night after another one of those dreams, curious to find out the truth; curious to know why he left me. I put my ear to the wall that divides our rooms and I could hear light music playing. I figured that if he were still awake, then I had a right to ask him and find out what happened. Looking like a sleepy mess at two in the morning, I banged on his door.
"Well if it isn't my favorite blondie boy." Axel grinned, leaning against the doorway.
"We need to talk." I said, squeezing myself past him and into his room.
"Um, ok, whats up?" I could tell that he was confused and caught off guard by my determination as he jumped onto his lifted bed and I climbed onto it as well, sitting quietly beside him.
"What's on your mind?" he asked and I inhaled big. I was scared. Sure I wanted an answer, but do I really want to know? What if finding out the truth only makes it worse?
"Where did you go?" I asked, starting at my shoes that dangled off the edge of his bed.
"What do you mean?" He asked and for some reason, anger overcame me.
"Where did you go?!" I yelled, slamming my fists on his bed.
"Whoa, Roxas, calm down." Axel put a hand on my shoulder but I shoved it off.
"Why did you leave me? Where did you go?" I demanded an answer, but he only looked away.
"Answer me!" I thought I was going to lose my voice, but when he turned to look at me, all I saw was hunger in his eyes. The next thing I knew, he had me pinned to his bed with his body on top of mine as his lips held mine captive. I squirmed and tried to break free, but he was too strong. When I begged for air, he sat up, and I panted as I tried to decipher my thoughts, feelings, and my emotions. I sat up next to him, silent and still until he gulped.
He looked at me, and when we made eye contact, I couldn't help but slap him. His red cheek turned to the side, giving me the view of the consequences of my actions. When he turned to face me again, his demeanor sad and troubled, I slapped him again. He stared at the floor, then sighed.
"I'm sorry." His voice was so quiet, I almost didn't hear it.
And for a reason I can not describe or understand, I started crying. Something inside me made me feel so vulnerable and so lonely, and I broke down.
"Why did you leave me?" I sobbed, letting my head fall onto his shoulder.
"Shh, you're Aki is here." Axel wrapped an arm around me, and like the helpless being I was, I cuddled into his embrace.
"I missed you." I sniffled and could feel his soft silky hair on my crazy spikes.
"I missed you too Roxy."
"Then why did you go?" I asked, trying to keep more tears from leaving.
"I'm sorry." He said, and I waited for an explanation I never got.
"Why?" I asked again but he only sighed loudly.
"I can't tell you."
"Why not?" I started sniffling again, hating how I only had half a puzzle to work with.
"You wouldn't want to know anyway." Axel let go of me and I instantly missed his warmth and care.
"Of course I want to know! I deserve to know!" I shouted, angry that he wouldn't tell me why my life sucked from the second he left it.
"It was my life Rox!" He argued back but I hopped off his bed and yelled back.
"But I loved you! That makes it my life too."
"I'm sorry." He repeated poorly.
"Once you left, my life went to hell!" I started to get worked up again and he sat silently. "My parents forgot all about me because they only loved Sora! I got pushed into the back of everyone's minds until I was convinced that I had truly become invisible. I started dating a dick of a guy but I finally thought that I had some kind of value, but then he dumped me because I was dull and because he found someone better; someone worth noticing. All I wanted was my friend back; my companion and love, but he left me. I thought I lost him, and I tried looking everywhere for him, but I couldn't find him. And now he shows up as my dorm neighbor, and he's willing to confess his love to me, but he wont even tell me why he left me?" I became so overworked, I felt like I was drunk again.
"I'm sorry." He shrugged and I jumped off the bed, and with all I had inside me, I slapped him again. I could feel my own hand stinging, and I could only imagine how badly his red-stained cheek must have felt.
I froze at my own actions, cause the tears streaming silently down his cheek were becoming too much for me to handle. I sniffled a couple times before I ran out of his room and quickly into my own, slamming my door shut, locking it, and sobbing wildly on my bed, wishing I had never found out who he really is.
That night was restless as I could feel the unending stinging on my hand mixed with the empty cold on my lips, almost as if they missed his presence. I tried to suffocate myself in my blankets, but I couldn't achieve the warmth that he so easily provided.
I hated myself so much for what happened, but I still couldn't help but blame him. All I wanted was proof that he really loved me; I just wanted an answer that would make me realize that he never wanted to leave me back then. Instead, he just apologized and told me that he couldn't say. What kind of answer is that? How does he expect me to hear that and be ok? I just wanted an explanation, and instead, I got angry; angry enough to hit him. The first two times I slapped him were more like warnings; but the last time, damn I can still feel the icy connection between my palm and his cheek. I dint want to hurt him, but at the same time, I did. I wanted him to feel the pain I had to endure during my childhood once he left; I wanted him to experience the stinging that broke my heart when he abandoned me.
Still, I felt bad about making him cry. I don't think it was because of the pain though; maybe it was all the yelling and shouting I targeted at him. It was nearly three in the morning when I realized that I had hardly caught a wink of sleep due to all of these confusing thoughts.
It was a Saturday too, so no class, which meant that I could sleep during the day to make up for last night. But that doesn't take care of my problem with Axel. I sighed as I actually considered knocking on his door to apologize. What would he think of me? Then again, would he think worse of me if I didn't? And why did I even care what he thought?
With each minute I spend deliberating, I began hating myself more. Only I could make something so simple and turn it into something so completely complicated.
Before I could change my mind, I stood outside his door, knocking. I knocked for a while before a white slip of paper came from under the door that read, 'go away'. I crumpled it up and knocked louder, banging harshly on the door.
"I'm sorry." I said, hoping it'd be enough for him to open up.
"Go away." I could barely hear him say.
"I'm trying to apologize!" I said, getting angry that he wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to be sympathetic.
"Go away!" He yelled and I kicked his door.
"Fine!" I went back into my room and fell on my bed, angry. I tried to be civil; I tried to apologize. If he doesn't want to listen, fine. He can go fuck himself.
I fell into an uneasy sleep, not waking up until the day was half over.
"Hey, you in there?" I heard someone ask as they pounded at my door. I couldn't recognize the voice, but since I knew it wasn't Axel, I opened it.
"Huh?" I asked, still clearly tired. It was that blonde boy with the half Mohawk, half mullet.
"Look, I'm Axel's neighbor, and I heard yelling and pounding last night. I haven't seen him all day and he wont answer my texts. What happened?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. I didn't owe this guy and explanation when I was still waiting for one from Axel.
"I don't know." I shrugged and he narrowed his eyes on mine in an intimidating way.
"Look, blondie, I'm just trying to make sure Axel's ok. I know he likes you, so I thought maybe you could help. I'm scared." The blonde breathed heavily and I gulped. He always seemed so friendly and smiley on our floor, but he was acting like a different person.
"My name is Roxas, and I'm trying to get a hold of him too." I said, scared of pissing him off, angry that he called me blondie, and a bit unsure of how I felt that I actually wanted to talk to Axel.
"I'm Demyx. Look, if you find him, tell him I'm worried, ok?" Demyx said, appearing much more friendly and even concerned. I nodded.
"Ok."
"Thanks. And look about me being worried, I just, I care about him, ok? I won't get between you to two, so don't worry, alright?" He asked with this weird look in his eye as if he were asking if I understood.
"I get it." I said, trying to keep him from confusing him or myself further.
"Alright, well, I'll see you around." He turned around and went into his dorm and I wondered where Axel could be if he wasn't in his room or answering his phone.
Once I closed my door, I went right to the wall and put my ear against it, trying to find out if I could hear anything that would prove that he's hiding in there. Nothing. Complete silence.
For the rest of the weekend, his door never opened or closed.
I wondered if he went back to his home in the middle of the first night, after he yelled at me to go away, and I hoped that he was coming back soon. But when I realized how I was actually missing him, I got mad at myself. I was angry at him, so why would I miss him? But then again, I still needed to apologize to him. Fuck, I just keep making this harder for myself.
That Sunday night, I went out and bought a six-pack of beer, illegally since I'm under age, and snuck it into my dorm, hoping to get completely wasted. Now that I was alone and already sad as could be, I figured I had nothing to lose by getting drunk. And like always, I was wrong.
Once I was completely intoxicated and hammered beyond control, I got a knock at my door. It was none other than my Axel.
"Hey," Axel said, looking down like he was sad, but since I was drunk, I wasn't.
"Hey, I missed you." I put my arms around him but he pushed me away gently.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you." He said and I waved him off.
"Don't be. You wana come in?" I pointed behind myself and he entered my room.
"Did you drink all these?" He pointed to all the empty beer cans lying around as I nodded with a sly smile. "Look, I don't want to go through all that drama again from the last time you got drunk."
"But, I really did miss you." I batted my eyelashes at him and he sighed.
"Roxas, I love you too much to let you hurt me again."
"But I wont hurt you!" I was getting angry and he stared at me emptily. "You hurt me cause you left me! I just want to go back to before all this drama. Can we do that? I want to so badly." I bit my lip.
"Prove it." He crossed his arms and I smiled devilishly as I, in my drunken state, took of my shirt, walked up to him, and stuck my hands up against his torso.
"Mmmm," He moaned with closed lips as I teased his nipples with my fingers, kissing his chest with my lazy lips.
"Does that feel good?" I asked as I slurped my saliva up after I let it leave a trail down his tummy.
"Oh yeah." He sighed as he put a hand in his hair. I knew I had him.
"Then wait for this." I grinned as started biting his nipple, loving the soft pants and moans that escaped his barely open lips and the look of hunger through his heavy lidded eyes.
I put one hand on his ass and squeezed, about to unzip his pants when he pushed me away.
"Stop." He said, trying to collect himself as I stood there hard.
"I thought you wanted this?" I asked, twisting my legs as if I were doing the potty dance.
"I do, but not while you're drunk." He looked so sad.
"I promise I wont forget this time."
"That's beyond your control."
"Please, let me please you. Let me make it up to you for hurting you." I cupped the cheek that I slapped and stared deep into his eyes, which were beginning to water.
"I don't want you to forget." He said through baby sobs.
"I wont." I kissed his cheek. "Please?"
Axel shook his head. "It's not easy to refuse you, but it's harder to be hurt by you." Axel sighed disappointingly.
"Aki," I whined loudly.
"I just want to love you like I used to." Axel took my chin in his fingers as he kissed my temple.
"I want to go back in time." I sniffled again and he put his arms around my head.
"Me too Rox." He sighed and let go of me, making me feel so incredibly cold.
"Where are you going?" I asked when he started heading for the door.
"Back to my dorm." He said.
"Stay here." I said, sober enough to mean it.
"I cant." He opened the door.
"Why not?" I asked, wanting to run to stop him, but my drunken body knew well enough that I couldn't handle it.
"I don't want to hurt you again." Axel said, opening my door, then shutting it. In my attempt to forget my first failure of an attempt of intimacy with him, I drank the rest of the alcohol I had.
Author's Note: Originally this chapter was written completely different, but I thought that some editing needed to be made. Anyway, here we see more ups, more downs, more about their past, and more curiosity about what made them part. I just wanted to say thank you for all of the support I've been getting from this story, it means a lot!
Oh, also, in case anyone was wondering how I came up with "Aki" for the nickname, it's not just cause its short and somewhat similar to Axel. In Japanese "AKI" means "AUTUMN" and the 2nd Kanji character for AUTUMN means FIRE, so Aki means Fire pretty much :P which means Aki means Axel XD I love it! Just had to share the backstory lol.
To ChibiSeme97: Hahaha, yes, Roxas seems to be having inner conflictions with what his heart wants and with what the scars are leaving behind. Emotional scars, of course.
To Luckycat222: Haha, I never liked that book much but I actually don't really like in general, but I'm glad that you liked the chapter!
To Twilightimefan: Of course I shall continue this story until the very end! Thanks for reviewing!
To kindofabadger: You will find out what the present is when I figure it out myself hahaha. Oh, and Axel's exhaustion in the past will be explained as well =) Yeah, I mean, when you are heartbroken, you tend to over-react, so its natural I'm sure. Aww, thanks for your support, so kind of you!
To ReliveTheGreat: Thanks! Aki means Autumn, and the Chinese character for the second half means Fire =)
To LechugaMuchacha: Hahaha, I love tension in a story, so I'm glad that you like it and yet can't wait for Roxas to let Axel in already! Soon, in due time! Lol. Thanks for reviewing.
To RoxasVentusHikari: Uh, I found out that I really did fail my Japanese test but screw it, I'm going to start studying now so no point in crying over the past right? :P Oh wow, dude, no way! I haven't told ANYONE over fanfic yet, but I actually am going to join the Marine's after college, as an officer! I know, random for a writer, right? Haha. Anyway, congrats to you sis! Awww, I'm glad to hear that you like this story, and trust me there will be more backstory, and everything will be explained. Thanks for reviewing!
To AliceofHoenn: Lol, I'm in Japan, so there are many Japanese classes haha. My high school only had Spanish and French, so I took German my 1st two years of college! Sehr Spass. Aww, thank you! I appreciate the feedback! Bye ^_^
To ZeltaFrost: Lol, thanks, I loved that line as well, glad to hear you enjoyed it too. I know, I want to hug both so badly lol. Oh wow, well I hope things go smoothly at your school, sorry to hear about that.
To Purple Rin Ninja: Awww, yay, great timing! I hope you had an awesome birthday! Haha, I agree, I should have Axel waiting in Roxas' bed like, "about time, eh?" haha. Awww, I'm so happy to hear that you enjoyed it this much! Always a pleasure! Thank you so much for your amazing review, and I truly wish you the best for your birthday, sorry it's late .
To Fanfic-over-published: I know, such a sad past, poor Roxy. Axel was there for him when he needed it, but things changed and it affected Roxas deeply. Thank you so much for reviewing!
To Xiola-Nobody: I can guarantee that I've never read a story like this, but if there is a similar story out there, well I guess there are only so many things to write about lol. I actually don't read fanfic for that reason. I don't want people to think I copy other people's work -_- it'd be an insult to me and the person I'd 'copy', so yeah, that, and I never have time to read, I'm too busy writing XD Thanks for reviewing!
To Genesisluv98: Haha, glad to know you aren't giving up! Thank you! Hope you enjoy everything you read ^_^
To Ash Kh158: Aww, thank you so much for such a sweet review! Means a lot to me!
To AquaStone4: Thank you, you are too kind. I shall continue to write and post, so please continue to review, I appreciate every single comment =)
Thank you everyone for reviewing and reading!
Love, Sarabellum