Fifty Shades of Flannel Chapter 7
Christian looked like had just cancelled his standing laser hair removal appointment.
I thought we agreed never, ever to speak of my most shameful secret. Christian was trembling.
What could be so heinous that it brought this stallion of a man-boy to his knees? And not because he thought Hugh Jackman was standing at a card table.
Had he been hurtful to someone who hadn't agreed to his labyrinth of perversion?
(note to self "labyrinth of perversions"….good one. Use in future…).
Perhaps he had ruined a company, a family, or worn man capris, flip-flops and a confederate cap whilst doing errands?
What could it be?
You might as well know Mrs. Steele, I was married at the age of 20 for 6 months.
His head fell into his hands but was still attached to his body.
Sheesh. Is that it? That's your big dark hard LeBron James and me in a hot tub…sorry I mean big dark secret?
I looked at Dr. Wellsworth who had the glow of a woman who had had just found a Tory Burch cashmere coat at TJ Maxx for 80% off.
Listen you two. You've both got some boundary issues. This is nothing…nothing I tell you! I flung my hands in the air (now covered in Lanz gloves).
I regarded Dr. Wellsworth.
Why are you making him feel so terrible? Believe me, Mr. Butt Plug over here has plenty to be sorry for, but not this. I sat on a small paddling bench, making sure my lower Lanz was still folded in my Hanes.
Dr. Wellsworth was defiant.
Well, he, I mean, that's a pretty bad secret…being married for such a short time. He should atone.
Christian began a P90X ab workout.
I took control.
Hey Liberace, it's atone not tone.
He stopped jabbing at the air. I continued.
Really? Of all the weird things you two have clearly been involved with, it's this, Dr. Hoo-hoo Housecall, that he needs to disclose or feel ashamed of? I had her attention.
You really need to take a good long look in the mirror. There's a blonde chin hair about 2 inches long, and you are being bizarrely smug. Boom goes the dynamite, because she quickly took her Hermes and made like one.
Christian looked at me with real tenderness and thanks. Like a Hawk ready to take flight, his eyes darted skyward as he clapped his hands and two manservants wheeled in a large Gucci wardrobe.
Mrs. Steele, no one, and I mean no one, has ever stood up for me before. I am truly grateful. And I want you to have this.
Each Bermuda-short wearing servant slowly opened the wardrobe to reveal: The entire Lanz Summer and Winter Nightgown collection. Tartans, shamrocks, hearts, roses, edelweiss…it was too much.
Now we were getting somewhere.
I take back the Liberace crack. I told him humbly.
Christian smiled at me, and for the first time, I smiled back.