Fifty Shades of Flannel Chapter 9
A look that surpassed desire, rounded the corner to pure adulation and double-parked in front of wonder, shown in Christian's eyes.
Mrs. Steele, have you told another living soul about The Lady Cork? He gently put me down and appeared to shift from would-be molester to seasoned businessman.
No, I sputtered. No one knows. I only thought of it the other night when I wanted to sleep but was kind of nervous that you would…you know…"visit" me. I realized that I needed was some kind of a barrier, a gatekeeper, if you will.
It took me a minute to collect myself, and I privately celebrated my success at guiding his attention from my lady business to real business.
Christian took out a titanium iphone and dialed.
That thing must weigh a ton. He spoke with authority and another dose of foreboding.
David, fire up the jet. Mrs. Steele and I are going to New York. Call Wim Weatherston at Goldman and tell him I have something…and it's big. He ended the call.
It's not big necessarily, I told you about the three sizes "Small, Medium, and What the Hell Have You Been Doing Down There…" I knew I was babbling but I was excited and nervous.
New York? I asked.
Do you mean we're leaving this 9 and ½ Weeks, set piece? I'm still getting used to having conversations while looking at 23 phalluses mounted on the wall, but I'll kind of miss the ole chamber…"
It was true.
They say you adapt to your surroundings, and I had become accustomed to the Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Beluga omelets, scented baths, leather masks, impromptu pap smears, White Bordeaux and comings and goings of various lackeys. It wasn't a bad life. Especially if you could, as I had, avoid unpleasant unveilings and foreign insertions.
Not that I'm judging. Anyway, Christian was in full billionaire mode.
Is the Lady Cork a proprietary idea? Christian asked as he pressed a button and a mini Armani store (ladies section) appeared from behind one of the walls.
I'm going to need you to look as professional as possible for our meetings on Wall Street. Are you familiar with your clothing size in European apparel?
How dare he! I had tried on Burberry shirts during the Nordstrom Annual Women and Children's Sale!
I most certainly am, and I can tell you I'm not too happy about it. I'm a 42…a 42! What woman wants to wear a 42? That's the reason the European financial market is in such a shambles. If those bozos can't get on board with a woman's desire to be a single digit size…well, it's no wonder Spain owes China half of Portugal. Or is it Greece that owes Germany a third of France? I hope the French have some sort of sovereign rule by the Norwegians. God, they're unpleasant. Hey, Pierre, howsabout a Speed Stick applied liberally in the underarm area a few times a year? You're not going to win any new wars by stinking us out. Smelling like ripe Camembert went out with Mitterrand.
Christian looked bored and I knew I was burbling again. However, it was my kind of fast mind work that had invented The Lady Cork, so he'd better get used to it. A Megan Fox look-alike dressed all in black appeared in the Armani store.
I've leave you to it, then. We depart in an hour. Please ask Francine to get you anything else you need: a scarf, shoes, bag. I have a large selection of accessories and leathergoods as well.
Oh Geez. How can I get through to this guy that this is not normal?
A spare toothbrush and a t-shirt or two? Yes. Fine. But a modified Bergdorf in your bachelor pad spelled "Problem" with a capitol G.
None of that was important. What was important that my product (designed to help women everywhere) was about to see the light of day and so was I.
Like an episode of "What Not To Wear," I spent the next 35 minutes being transformed into a vision of female authority. I looked like an expensively garbed middle school principal with high morals and no fun.
For luck, I had folded a shred of Lanz flannel into a pocket square and placed it in my breast pocket.
Francine threw up a delicate amount in a rosewood wastebasket as I did it.
I was going to New York. The last time I went was for my neighbor's 40th birthday. If you consider watching the Today Show behind police tape, and a matinee of Thunder From Down Under at Radio City Music Hall a good time, then this was your dream trip.
I walked towards the doors to my future, threw them open, and stepped into my destiny.
I would not rest until every gal in America, nay the world, was sitting on a Lady Cork.
Literally.