Fifty Shades of Flannel Chapter 14
I never pledged a sorority in college (Eastern Kansas Methodist didn't allow them), but the performers' area of Black Widow was what I imagined one would be like.
But with a lot less turtlenecks and corduroy.
Christian, Dr. Wellsworth, and I were ushered in VIP-style to the dressing area, which was extremely crowded as ladies of all shapes and sizes prepared to go on-stage.
We shouted to hear each other.
I'm going to find Max, the owner, Dr. Wellsworth screamed and headed down a hallway.
Christian and I nodded, his gaze drifting from me to the talent around us.
It was some sort of costume party that night: there were ladies dressed as schoolgirls, police officers, firewomen, witches, and plumbers.
They seem to be rushing the Halloween season, I shrieked at Christian as he was buffeted on a sea of scantily clad nuns.
He put his hand to his ear and shook his head.
I said, they seem to be rushing Halloween! I know Target has their candy out, but even Wal-Mart has only just put Fourth of July on clearance…
Suddenly, Christian was nowhere to found. I was hollering into the ear of a man who looked just like Mr. Clean if he was Russian and straight.
Wordlessly, he placed his baseball mitt-sized hand on the back of my neck and firmly pushed me ahead of him. He spoke into his Bluetooth.
Naughty housewife walking. Stage left in three.He used his free arm to clear a path for us, and a Tinkerbelle and a Dutch girl, scattered.
A woman patted my face with a large foundation-soaked sponge.
Was this some kind of ambush makeover? Frankly, I'd much prefer Yard Crashers. Our mulch could use a bit of freshening.
I may not be a genius, but as I took three steps up some linoleum stairs, and a crouching man yanked open a curtain, I realized that I was about to add "Exotic Dancer" to my list of occupations.
The list had previously included Dairy Queen worker, wife, mother and Catholic school volunteer (it's much less glamorous than it sounds).
The last several weeks with Christian had been a crash course in Male Libido 101 and if ever I was to use my newfound knowledge to good use, it was now.
They want what they can't have. I told myself confidently.
Well don't have some of this!
I squinted as I stepped onstage. My only performance experience was a well-received stint as an acorn squash in the 1979 Hillwood Elementary Thanksgiving play.
This audience didn't look a whole lot different from the Dads and Moms of yore. Emphasis on the Dads.
People were hooting and yelling.
There was a pole ahead of me. I was thankful for the free coupon for a "Stripper Pole" class that I had redeemed once at the local Curves.
Summoning my inner courage and a good deal of core strength, I hoisted myself up and made it around twice, my Lanz billowing nicely.
More whoops and clapping. I was a natural.
A voice sliced through the din like Sarah Palin in a library.
Nehmen sie das Lanz ab!
I understood the Lanz part. I peered into the crowd to see who was familiar with my sleepwear choice.
Four men garbed in traditional Austrian business attire were waving gleefully at me.
I could barely believe my eyes, and my luck. Each of their hats was trimmed in Lanz fabric.
They smiled and pointed proudly at their hats.
Wir sind Lanz!
I shimmied closer to the edge of the stage.
One of the men stood and cupped his hands.
We are the Lanz. We make your gown.
I couldn't have expected a bigger tip that night.
The mother ship had arrived. And she was full of Tyrolean nightgown executives.
Lanz was in the house.
I jumped up and down to express my glee, and a few men rushed the stage to peek under my gown.
Little did they know I had re-purposed the Lanz bloomers from a few weeks before.
I took a deep breath and leapt off the stage.
A beloved old-world brand was about to meet the future.
Because the future was a housewife/stripper/inventor with nerves of steel.
And a last name to match.