Hello all again! XD I see that the Yaoi lemon went off well last time :) I'm glad to hear it, I was worried sick that it was all wrong.
OMG thank you all for such amazing reviews! I just don't know what to say!
Anyway, this chapter is a little more intense. Just what will Gary say about Ash confessing? Will he return his feelings? Who knows! Well... I do but thats beside the point.
I just want to say a huge thank you to all you great people who have faved this fic, I never ever thought it would be this popular, so thank you.
Chapter Thirteen: There's no me, without us
Slumber was beginning to leave my body as the rays of sunlight shone directly on my face. Flickering my eyes open sleepily my blurred vision depicted that last night was not a dream.
Here I was, still in bed with Gary.
Smiling to myself I snuggled comfortably into the embrace of the mattress, inhaling that distinct scent, the scent of both Gary and sex that lingered in the room.
As I pulled the sheets up I saw that I was still naked and that the incriminating evidence from last night was now stuck to my stomach like glue.
I need a shower, so I better get up. Even though I kind of just want to stay here with him forever.
Sitting up and yawning loudly it was then I noticed that Gary was already awake.
Of course he would be, he wasn't a heavy sleeper after all, unlike me.
His back was to me as he was starting to dress himself.
"Morning," I uttered sleepily, continuing to smile like crazy. Gary did not even turn to look at me when he mumbled;
"Yeah, morning,"
As I shuffled my body to the edge of the bed I retrieved the boxers from yesterday and put them on.
Well, I kind of didn't want to go to the shower wearing nothing, I mean what if Mr Mime caught me? He would be totally scarred for life.
After putting them on I just looked at Gary, who had now finished putting his clothes on and was just sitting there in an awkward silence.
I wondered if he was okay, or if something was troubling him. He could always talk to me about it, I would help.
"Gary, are you okay?" I asked nervously, watching as he stared at the ceiling.
"Meh, I suppose," He returned.
"If something is bothering you then you can tell me,"
Shuffling over to the emerald eyed boy I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, which he just knocked away.
"I don't want to," Gary replied coldly.
I just knew that from his body language and his mannerisms that something was really wrong, and it was probably because of me.
Did I upset him?
Looking downwards at the bed sheets and now feeling incredibly guilty I just wanted to know what had happened. Last night was just so perfect, and now everything was just awful.
"Gary... is it about last night? Because if it is... last night was..."
"...a mistake," He interrupted me, standing up.
My eyes widened as I could feel my heart slowly beginning to hurt with every beat.
A mistake? Is that what he thought of me?
"A... mistake?" I repeated, struggling to keep my voice at a reasonable pitch without it going octaves higher.
I swallowed hard, watching as Gary refused to even look at me, and stayed standing with his back towards me.
This was unfair, last night Gary had snatched away the only shred of innocence I had left, and now he was telling me it was a mistake?
So I didn't matter to him? Was that it? Was I just some toy to play with and then when he got bored he would just throw it away?
"It shouldn't have happened, I am sorry," He mused weakly, walking over to the wall and placing both his hands against it for support.
My heart felt like it was suffocating me, making every breath that much harder.
Why did he feel this way? It wasn't like I regretted it, so why did he?
"Why Gary? Why are you saying this now?" I mumbled weakly, my eyes continuing to look downwards as my hands fidgeting furiously in my lap.
This wasn't making any sense to me.
"It was a mistake okay? Just forget it!" Gary spat, turning towards me for a moment before turning back to the safety of the wall.
I could feel tears begin to well up inside as my stomach knotted into something extremely painful. Being told that I was just a mistake and that I should forget about last night was unbearable.
I even told him that I loved him, did that even matter?
Standing up I continued to fight that overwhelming urge to break down and cry, I wasn't going to let him see me like that.
Glaring into the back of Gary I decided that now was the best time to let it all out, even if he didn't want to hear it.
"How can you say that? Did last night really mean nothing to you at all? Well, newsflash Gary, it did to me! You took that last shred of innocence I had and I willingly gave it to you, and you want to know why? Because you mean that much to me! You always have! All this time we have spent together really has shown me how sensitive and kind you really are, you were always so supportive and never wanted me to be upset. Because you behaved like that it made me really begin to like you Gary, and now I know it isn't just something as simple as liking you. I guess, what I am trying to say is that... I love you,"
There was a silence as Gary's body tensed at the final words.
Did he really not want to hear them? Was it all one sided after all?
Feeling a sadness begin to consume me I bowed my head and looked at the floor, wanting it to open up and take me away right now.
How could I have been so stupid as to think someone like Gary could harbour emotions as complicated as love?
I raised my eyes as the taller boy turned to me, his face a mixture of pain and disgust at my speech. Through gritted teeth he grunted;
"I don't have time for this,"
With those words I watched as he escaped my room.
Immediately I gave chase, walking ever quicker down the stairs following his form.
Why was it so damn hard to realise that I loved him? What the hell was the problem?
"Gary! Where are you going?" I called out, almost running after him as we got to the front door.
He paused and I watched as one of his hands balled into a fist. He trembled, probably in anger.
I just couldn't believe that after everything we had been through now he was just going to walk away from me, and leave me all alone.
I had foolishly believed he was better than this.
"I need some air," He said bitterly, his hand reaching for the door.
"WAIT!" I cried, now feeling a wet substance dribble down my cheeks.
Great, I was crying, and I swore to myself he wouldn't see it.
Desperately I latched onto one of his arms, hugging it tight to my chest as more tears consumed me. I just wanted to give up and have the Earth below me swallow me up and take me away from here. Anything was better than this heart rendering pain.
My chest felt like it was caving in and with every beat of my heart a shock wave of heartache and despair echoed through me.
"Please... don't... leave me..." I mumbled pathetically, holding onto his arm for dear life.
I didn't want him to turn his back on me, not now, not after everything we had been through.
Closing my eyes tightly I could feel a river of tears cascade down my reddened cheeks and my nose was beginning to get stuffy.
"Let go of me Ash," Gary retorted coldly, tugging his arm slightly to try to get me to release him.
There was no way I was going to allow that to happen. I refused to let go, he was the only thing in my life that was stopping me from breaking down permanently. With him in my life I had hope, even if it was just a small spark.
"Gary.. p-please... don't... d-do this... to me..." I cried, trying to hide my heartache but of course I couldn't.
My body trembled in sadness as I kept his arm in a vice grip, never wanting to let go.
Suddenly I felt that comfort being snatched away as my eyes raised to his, that beautiful soft emerald spark was now nothing more than a fading distant memory and it pained me to see. With narrowed eyes he growled;
"I WAS FUCKING STRAIGHT UNTIL I MET YOU!"
And with that said he left the house, slamming the door behind him.
I was frozen, no movement coursed through my body as I just stared at the door. My body trembled slightly as tears continued to fall from my eyes.
No, this was not happening. Gary did not just leave me, he didn't! And he will be back, right?
Slowly I sunk to my knees, my head bowed slightly as a rush of pain flooded my body.
How could Gary blame me for being Gay? Those words really hurt, and I have no idea how I am going to cope now.
Closing my eyes I placed my head in my hands and cried loudly. I did not care who heard me or if I sounded pathetic, none of it mattered.
The only thing that mattered was Gary, and now even he had decided to leave me.
Gripping my head harder I felt like my heart was being stabbed repeatedly and then slowly torn apart.
Why was he doing this to me? What had I done to deserve this?
"Mr Mime?"
I heard Mr Mime's voice not too far away, he must have obviously been doing chores in the kitchen and heard the commotion. Even though right now Pikachu would be the best offerer of comfort at this precise moment I did not care.
Breaking down right here in my living room seemed like a good idea.
As my body trembled and I continued to sob loudly I felt two thin arms wrap around me and gently rock my body as if I was a child.
"Mr Mime... Mime..."
Mr Mime was obviously here, making sure I was okay, which was kind of sweet. Obviously he had watched my Mom do this to me when I was upset before and now he had learned to do the same in her absence.
Mom... oh God I need you! Why aren't you here? You always know how to make me feel better when I feel sad... and now Mr Mime is reminding me of you, it hurts of freaking much!
Crying loudly I just allowed the Psychic type Pokemon to try to make me feel better, even though deep within my cursed heart it wouldn't even register.
Gary had really gone and he probably hated me now.
Just when I thought things were going so well I had to go and ruin it all by saying I loved him. I am such an idiot!
With the back of my hand I wiped my face, feeling how damp my cheeks were under my touch. I didn't realise that I had been crying that much.
Not even a gentle word of goodbye or anything, he was just so cold and bitter towards me.
"What did I do Mr Mime? Was it something I said?" I asked the Psychic type Pokemon, who just looked confused at my question.
Of course he had no idea, Gary was a very complicated boy who just loved screwing around with my head and heart.
I knew that now.
After a few moments I managed to stop crying and calm down slightly.
The house was so deathly silent and lonely without his presence felt. It made me feel so alone and mentally weak. He had no idea how much I relied on him to keep me strong through this tough time, knowing that my Mom was sick in hospital and still trying to make me smile, I was grateful for that.
But now, he was gone.
Will... he come back? Maybe he is just confused or... something?
Standing up shakily I decided I needed to shower, after all, it might do me some good to get rid of this grubby feeling that consumed me.
My eyes darted over to the plush Teddiursa that sat on the sofa, instantly reminding me of Gary.
The love heart in it's paws, the message written on it's form, the whole memory in general was tearing me apart. Swallowing hard I tried to ignore the pain that was building up once again and hastily walked past it, and made my journey towards the bathroom.
When I walked into the bathroom I turned on the shower and watched as the spray of water cascaded down like a waterfall onto the cold marble.
Grabbing some towels from the shelf my mind was still a complete and utter mess.
Why did he leave? Why couldn't he just talk to me, and tell me what was on his mind? All I wanted was the truth, even if it hurt me.
I placed my hand underneath the spray of the water to check the temperature. It was pleasantly warm enough so I placed the towels nearby on the radiator, slid off my boxers and stepped inside.
As the warm water trickled down my back I could almost feel it washing away my sins.
The soothing sound that echoed around the room was actually making me feel a lot better.
I deserved better than this, I didn't deserve to be played around by anyone, especially him. Even so, whenever I tried to think negatively about him I just couldn't.
He has really burrowed into my heart, huh? Still, I just wish he was here, and I wonder if he is okay? He seemed pretty pissed off when he left so I hope he hasn't done anything too stupid.
Rubbing my forehead with my hand I decided to stop dwelling on Gary and try to rationalise my thoughts again. Being in this state of mind was not healthy and with the added pressure of Mom being in hospital it would be a matter of time before my world crashed down completely.
Once my body was completely soaked with water I grabbed a bottle of shampoo, which was conveniently situated not too far away, and squeezed an average sized amount into my hands.
As I started to massage it into my raven hair I still could not help but feel sad. I have never felt this way in my entire life, no-one has ever impacted on me this strongly before.
Of course I am so stupid for letting him in. I should have put up more of a fight. Falling for someone like Gary was just asking for trouble, I mean he used to always give his cheerleaders the cold shoulder so why did I expect anything different?
Allowing the spray of the water to rinse away the shampoo I stood motionless, one hand placed against the wall as I tried to remove this agonising feeling in the pits of my stomach.
I need to talk to someone, anyone about this. I don't think I can cope with all this on my own. But who would I talk to? Hmmm... maybe... Misty?
As the water trickled down my back I contemplated phoning her.
She was already displeased with the fact I got into a relationship with him, so if she found out that already he was messing me around I think she would probably hit the roof.
I cracked a weak smiled, at least I knew she cared about me.
The idea didn't seem so silly now, perhaps if I spoke to her about how Gary behaved she might be able to give me some information, after all, talking to a girl about this might be better than talking to a guy. I don't think Brock would be able to help me out much here.
Sighing I just allowed the water to wash away my sins of regret.
Gary and I were not that different, yes he was a lot smarter than me and better looking, but deep inside we were similar. I knew that now, he has a sensitive side that no-one else got to see and that's what made me realise that he wasn't so horrible. He did care, in his own little way. Having that one shred of human decency in his body made me hang onto the threads of hope.
Maybe I could've been the one to save him from the dark.
Oh who I am kidding? He just walked out on me without any feelings of remorse. That kind of proves to me that he definitely doesn't need me any more. Man... I feel so used...
After my shower I got dressed, wearing a new t-shirt, which was a pale baby blue and clean jeans. All my jeans looked similar, all baggy and loose because I hated tight clothing.
I had no idea how Gary used to be able to sit comfortably in tighter jeans, it kind of made me feel confined.
Scrubbing my hair dry with a towel I decided that it would be a good idea to phone Misty. The probability of her being busy was slim, and I knew that she would be there for me no matter what the problem was. I was lucky to have a friend like that.
As I walked into the living room I noticed Mr Mime was busying himself in chores, right now he was polishing the coffee table, happily singing to himself.
It made me smile weakly.
How was it that he was so oblivious to everything? Maybe he wasn't and he was just extremely optimistic. Give me some of your optimism Mr Mime!
Sighing I placed the towel on the arm of the sofa and settled down.
The Teddiursa plush doll sat beside me, looking at me through beady eyes.
Even after everything I could not hate Gary, everything he had done for me over the past week was just amazing and I was eternally grateful for that. So what we had a spat, it doesn't mean I would turn against him. Everyone would probably want me to though for my own dignity.
Sadly my dignity did not even register when it came down to him.
Gathering my thoughts for a moment I reached over and grabbed the telephone ready to dial Misty's number. As my fingers pressed the buttons and I waited for a response I felt uneasy.
I just knew she would go ballistic and want to come over to see me, right now though I just wanted to talk and didn't fancy having visitors. It didn't take long before I heard her voice;
"Hello?"
"Hey Misty, it's me," I mumbled, trying to conjure up everything I wanted to say to her. I heard her enthusiasm on the other end of the phone.
"Ash! It's great to hear from you, is everything okay?" She enquired.
I shook my head, but then quickly realised she couldn't see my actions through a telephone.
"No... sadly I'm not," I uttered weakly, placing my free hand to my forehead, rubbing my temples. Her voice raised in pitch;
"Why? What's happened? OH MY GOD! Is it your Mom? Is she okay?"
"Yes, yes, she is fine. It's not about Mom," I issued calmly, trying to settle down the overreacting red head.
Well of course everyone would assume it would be about Mom, after all, she was fighting for her life in hospital.
"What is it then?"
I sighed, removing my hand from my forehead.
"It's about Gary..."
I cringed, already feeling her rage through the receiver. If I didn't know better she had already made up her mind about the situation.
"He's hurt you hasn't he?" She said, her voice sounding very foreboding and again I cringed.
I didn't want World War Three to commence, I just wanted advice, but Misty was a fiery person and it didn't take a lot to wind her up.
"Well... the thing is," I tried, feeling guilty about confessing my relationship to the girl who still had deep feelings for me, but what else could I do? Trying to steady my nerves I carried on;
"Gary and I... well... last night... we had... ummm..." I kicked myself, not thinking of the right words to say.
"...you did the deed?" Misty exclaimed over the phone.
I nodded and sighed, then decided on answering properly.
"Yes... then this morning he just tells me it was a mistake and storms out of the house, saying that he was straight until he met me,"
I swallowed hard, trying to fight off the tears that were starting to build once again. Just replaying that abhorred scene in my head was once again ripping apart my heart.
There was a pause.
"THAT BASTARD!" She cried in anger, making me wince and hold the phone at arms length;
"I SWEAR TO GOD WHEN I SEE HIM I'LL TEAR HIS BALLS OFF AND RAM THEM DOWN HIS THROAT!"
Okay, this wasn't going to plan. I do need to calm her down, after all, I don't want her to physically hurt Gary. It wasn't like I hated him.
"Misty... calm down," I pleaded knowing that it was useless and she was going to continue raging until the red mists had cleared.
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM! HE FUCKING TOTALLY RAN OUT ON YOU!" She cried and I sighed.
Of course it was all true, I had no idea how I was being so calm.
Maybe because a part of me knew that he wasn't doing this in spite and to cause me pain, maybe he was in pain himself?
"Misty... I know Gary, he wouldn't do that for no reason," I tried, feeling her anger radiate through the receiver.
"You obviously don't know him that well. Come on Ash, for Christ's sake, you have sex with him and then he ditches you? Doesn't sound like an act from a genuine person does it?"
I looked down at the floor, knowing that it all added up to that.
Was he playing me, was that it? Like it was all some sort of sick game to him, and that my feelings didn't even come into the equation?
Gritting my teeth in denial I tried to fight off the urges to shout, but instead I remained calm.
"I know... but maybe there was a reason for it,"
Misty scoffed at the other end of the phone.
"Ash... are you deluded as well as naïve? What sort of reason would be good enough to explain his actions? He just ditched you and didn't care! If you ask me you're better off without that jerk anyway,"
Even after her harsh words of criticism I could not help but weakly smile.
I knew she always despised him, not always for how he behaved towards me but because there was always that spark between us. Jealousy is a powerful motivator after all, and it was obvious that all along she had been jealous of Gary.
"But Misty..." I tried, also wanting to confess that I didn't just like him, I loved him and was IN love with him. Leaving him wasn't as easy as it looked and truth be told I didn't want to. If it was possible the idea of sorting out this mess was exactly the medicine I needed. She sighed;
"No Ash! You're being walked all over and used! I won't let some scum-bag who thinks he's Gods' gift hurt you like this!"
Her words rung in my ears.
Was it actually true? Was I allowing myself to be used and get walked all over?
Feeling a wave of sorrow wash over me I tried to remain strong, and get my point across.
"Misty... I love him."
There was an awkward silence on the other end of the phone which made me bite inside my mouth in worry.
Now I knew things were going to get worse, and her anger would probably intensify.
Surprisingly she did not rant or rave, she appeared kind of sad at my words.
"I know..."
The fact she knew I loved Gary was probably very difficult for her to understand and come to terms with, after all he did tell me she liked me a lot more than just a friend. Helping me with my relationship problems must've been hard for her.
Now I felt guilty.
"But... sooner or later you have to open your eyes and smell the coffee Ash, if you're being used then don't stand for it. If you allow yourself to be treated like that then people will keep walking all over you,"
I thought about it, once again her words had hit it on the head.
Maybe I needed to toughen up a bit, not be such a naïve person and actually stand up for myself? If I acted more like that would that mean Gary wouldn't treat me like this?
I scratched the back of my head in apprehension, trying to think if that sort of behaviour was really for me. I wasn't the sort of person to go out and hurt someone, so trying to behave more like that was going to be difficult.
"I know Misty..." I mumbled half heartedly, not actually liking the idea of becoming a mini version of Gary. I would soon become a lonely heartless jerk with no friends, and that wasn't very appealing.
"I'm... just worried about you Ash," She said softly, her voice smothered in regret.
Why was she worried? It wasn't like I was in danger or anything, but it was still a nice thought to be cared about.
Smiling I answered;
"It's okay, I know,"
"I don't trust him, and after you told me all this... well, let's just say if I ever see him again he will know about it,"
I chuckled a little, the thought of Misty pummelling him was actually kind of comical in a way and I knew Gary could take a hit or two.
Letting all the information sink I decided maybe it would be good for me if I went for a walk, I always found that it was the best remedy for anything.
"I bet, anyway thank you for being here for me, I seriously don't know what I would do without you," I complimented the red head, knowing that it would probably catch her off guard. She coughed uneasily before answering;
"Ash, you know no matter what I'll be here for you, even if you annoy the hell out of me sometimes. I'm your friend, and friends stick by each other,"
Inside I cringed at her speech.
How corny, so unlike her to make a stupid friendship speech. I would expect it from maybe Dawn or May, but not her.
Even so I smiled.
"Thanks, anyway I think I'm going to go for a walk to clear my head,"
Looking up at the clock I noticed that it was still early and not time yet for me to visit Mom so I could go for a stroll and get to the hospital as well.
"Alright, just make sure you be careful around him," She warned, making me roll my eyes.
God, she was acting like my Mom now.
It just made me miss her more, and when things were tough I couldn't rely on the one woman who had been constant in my life. I nodded at her words;
"I will, goodbye,"
"See you later Ash,"
And with that the conversation ended and I put down the receiver.
Sitting on the sofa for a moment I allowed my brain to get into the right gear before deciding my walking journey.
Eyes narrowed looking at the floor I wondered if I should go back to the hillside, the place where Gary and I first confessed that we both had feelings for each other.
Wincing I digressed, it was only going to make things worse I was sure of it, but a part of me hoped it would offer some comfort.
A noise startled me and I turned my attention to the window.
To my dismay it was raining, and heavily too. Being on the phone I hadn't been aware of it's onslaught against the window pane, and the thought of actually braving the elements was slightly foreboding.
Just get a coat and walk Ash, a little bit of water isn't going to make you melt. You're not wretched monster that is afraid of water.
Standing up I slowly walked over to the coat rack, retrieving the only coat I had.
As I hastily pulled it on my body I noticed that the weather was slightly worrying Mr Mime. He obviously got a little spooked by bad weather.
I just smiled hoping that he would cope being here for a while by himself. I didn't plan on going out for too long, just long enough to think about things. Gary and I being the main subject.
Sighing a little I grabbed my keys which I threw down last night and opened the door. The rain was hammering downwards and I just knew that I was going to get absolutely soaked.
As I stepped out into Mother Nature's wrath I contemplated my next move.
I will go back to the hillside, it will give me time to think along the way. Still, I wonder what Gary is doing and if he is okay.? Even though he treated me like shit earlier I can't help but care about him. There must be something troubling him, he wouldn't act like this. But I do know one thing, that there is no me without us.
Waaaahhh! Holy Jesus I'm evil! Smack me now!
Don't panic, next chapter will explain everything ^^ just enjoy the drama and tension :P
Again, thank you all soooo freaking much for all your support! XD it just makes my entire day to know that you all like my stuff. Its really hard writing from a guy's perspective, especially (I'm a girl so I don't really know) Lucky for me I ask my boyfriend lmao!
Anyway I'll stop rambling and toodle off to write the next chapter! Au revoir!