Title: Kiss Me, Break Me, Love Me
Fandom: X-Men: First Class (movie verse) + some Iron Man (movie verse)
Pairing(s): HankRaven, HankAlex, slight ErikCharles, hints of TonyPepper and others
Genre: romance/drama/angst
Type: one-shot
Rating: R – NC-17
Other Notes: modern AU – no powers, from the livejournal 1st class kink meme
Disclaimer: Not mine. All mistakes are my own. I took some liberties with the characters, so shoot me. It's called fiction and creativity for a reason.
Summary: He was hopelessly in love with Hank and if being "the other guy" was the only way Alex could have him, even if it was for awhile, even if it was just a fallacy, then Alex would do what he could to keep his well-constructed fantasy.
From this prompt: Hank and Raven are married. Alex is his colleague at the office who he shags on the side. For whatever reasons he has, Hank has no intention of leaving Raven for Alex but he has no intention of stopping this "thing" he has with Alex either. Raven has no idea what's going on and Charles is the politically influential brother-in-law. Throw in as much angst as possible, bonus points for Scott being the disapproving yet supportive (in the sense of he does not like the emotionally destructive relationship Alex has gotten into, and not because he's homophobic) older brother. Ending up to writer anon. Surprise me.
AN: It's done! I've changed so much in this part, it's not even funny. Anyway. Here's the third and final part.
III. Love Me
Love without pain isn't really romance
Röyksopp – Only This Moment
Nearly one year later and Alex had settled into Hilo quite nicely. His new colleagues were fantastic and he enjoyed studying Kilauea and its energy potential. He'd call Scott and Gabe often to catch up, and Erik updated him periodically on anything business related, and very rarely his personal life. Though Hilo was a little too quiet for his tastes, he could overlook the monotony by focusing on his work.
Scott and Jean had moved to a new apartment and John had easily integrated into the Summers' family dynamics. Gabe and Bobby were planning on moving to the East coast as soon as Bobby graduated high school, and Gabe had applied, met, and was hired by Erik; he'd start work the following summer after he was moved and settled. Apparently John and Bobby were getting closer than ever, too. Alex was glad that his family was doing well but he still missed them.
Alex still had a hard time sleeping sometimes, his mind lingering on what ifs and what could have been, and his traitorous thoughts wandered back to Hank and his eyes. Always his eyes; they were what had drawn him to Hank in the first place. He wondered how he was doing sometimes and would almost ask Erik for updates, but he'd stop himself before the words could even make it to his tongue
Because he still remembered the hurt and how helpless he felt whenever he was with him. And he really didn't want to feel that way again.
The night he had ended it, Alex had said 'goodbye' and to him, that was finality. Nothing could transcend 'goodbye'; that's why Scott and Alex (even Erik) – and now Gabe – never said the word to each other. 'Goodbye' was a way for Alex to shut Hank out of his life for good. 'Goodbye' was another way of Alex saying 'I'll never see you again' and though it still pained Alex to be without Hank, Alex knew that it was for the better, and tried to convince himself that the pain without him was more bearable.
And he tried to believe it. He tried to believe that he was over Hank and his impossibly blue eyes, his shy yet endearing smile, his smooth voice. Because believing otherwise would test the walls he had tried so hard to reconstruct. And for a while, everything was okay. Alex was moving on.
But then the impossible happened: Hank came back into his life.
Erik had called one day out of the blue telling him that he was coming to visit the facility in Hawaii. It was a surprising announcement, but what really threw Alex off-kilter was how soon he was arriving and whom he was bringing.
So when Erik strolled into his office a few days after the phone call like nobody's business, with Charles Xavier, Sean Cassidy, and Hank McCoy in tow, Alex very nearly had a heart attack.
Alex took in the sight of Hank greedily, guiltily, and the dull ache in his chest suddenly surged through him uncontrolled. Hank was in his usual khakis and button down, looking a bit uncomfortable. Then he met Hank's eyes and he forgot to breathe. Pain, hope, and fear flashed in those eyes and Alex had to tear his gaze away to compose himself.
Erik said something that Alex barely registered, but his voice was enough for Alex to snap back into the present.
"Hold your fucking horses, Erik," his eyes narrowing, heart beating erratically in his chest. "A moment, if you will?" He glanced pointedly at the three other men in the room then to the door, and thankfully Charles was the first to catch on and ushered Sean and Hank outside.
Once the door clicked shut, he turned on Erik angrily. "You're a fucking shithead, I can't fucking believe you."
"Alex," Erik sighed.
"You're an asshole. Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he barreled on. "What the hell is going on? You fucking know that I'm still trying to get over him!" he nearly yelled the last part, but had enough tact to rein himself in; he didn't want anyone to overhear him. Though he was probably sounding just short of hysterical.
"He's the best biochemist we have, Alex. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you; I knew that you'd reject the idea if I did."
"No shit," he growled. "What the hell are he and Cassidy doing here anyway? And did you really have to bring Charles with you? I mean, seriously."
Erik sighed, "The board of directors have been hounding Tony and I about the reports you've been sending us. They've been 'unsatisfactory' to keep the project going."
"What do you mean 'unsatisfactory'? Our results are amazing." He frowned, contemplative. "There's so much potential here. And all those times we talked about the project, you said everything was fine," he said accusingly.
"Everything was fine. But the positive results may very well be our downfall. Harnessing geothermal energy is still dangerous, and there are critics out there who accuse us of possibly causing more eruptions and earthquakes with the work you're doing."
"But that's bullshit. I mean, yeah it's difficult to harness and control the earth but there are bound to be side effects. The repercussions we've recorded so far aren't anything to be concerned about; they're minor."
"The 'so far' is what the critics are worried about," Erik conceded.
"All right. Fine. Perfect," he groused, rubbing a hand over his face. "This is a nightmare."
"I'm sorry Alex, but I just need you to work with him for at least six months, then I can pull either or both of you out."
"Six fucking months?" he groaned. "That's torture, Erik. And what's the fucking point of pulling him out if he's the best and he's already here?" He buried his face in his hands, "This is fucking ridiculous."
"Alex," Erik said softly. "Please."
He glanced up and scowled, hating it when Erik did that to him, because Erik never said 'please' and he'd even said 'I'm sorry' with ease which means that the reasons why Erik had brought Hank to Hawaii was pretty fucking serious. "Fine," he finally relented. "But don't expect anything good to come out of it."
Erik gave him a small smile. "Thank you."
"I still haven't forgiven you," he said after a moment, standing and moving towards the door; he had to show Hank and Sean the labs, wanting to get it over with.
"I know," said Erik. "But you may want to hear his side of the story first."
Alex snorted, "What, you have?"
"Yes."
He paused and turned to face Erik again. "What?"
"Ask him."
Alex frowned. "I can't. You know I can't."
"I know what he did wasn't fair – " Alex mumbled 'no shit' under his breath, but Erik ignored him " – But he had his reasons."
"Everyone has their reasons, Erik. It doesn't mean that they're right." And he knew that he was also referring to himself, of his own choices.
Erik sighed, "I know. But weren't you the one who schooled me on forgiveness?"
Alex eyed him speculatively. He had, he remembered. It was shortly after he found out about Scott's affair with Emma, and though Alex had resented Scott for months, he couldn't stay angry with him. He was family, he was his brother, he loved him. Just like when Scott had found him after a decade apart, Alex, though bitter, had been internally happy beyond belief. Because, after so long of being in foster care, he finally had someone he could truly call family. But how could he forgive Hank for his transgressions? This kind of hurt was so vastly different from the pain he felt from Scott's mistakes; Hank's had hit him hard at his core while Scott's were indirect.
He didn't think he was ready to forgive. Not yet. And Alex knew that he would. Eventually. Because they were only human and everyone makes a wrong choice once in awhile. No one was perfect. "Charles has been a good influence on you," he finally said.
Another small, secretive smile, "He has."
"You going to tell me why he's here, too?"
"He wanted to come. And he knows more than you think."
Alex sighed, "Well that's fantastic."
Erik chuckled, "You'll see." Before Alex could question him, Erik strode forward and pulled open the door, stepping out into the hallway. Charles, Sean, and Hank were chatting amicably (or rather, Charles was gesticulating enthusiastically about mutations and genetics) while Sean looked half bored and Hank had an amused smile on his lips. They all looked up when Erik made his way to Charles and pat the shorter man endearingly on the head. "You don't know when to stop, do you?" he said fondly.
Charles pouted cutely then turned to Alex, expression changing to a bright and easy smile. "It's good to see you again, Alex. It's been a while."
"It has," Alex replied smoothly, gladly latching onto the distraction, though a bit discomfited that this man was Hank's brother-in-law. "I was just going to show Cassidy and McCoy the labs, if you wanted to see as well?"
"Oh, that'd be splendid!" Charles said, eyes lighting up.
Alex nodded and turned to show them the way. He felt Hank's gaze burn the back of his head but he staunchly ignored it; he wasn't ready, and he probably wouldn't be for a while.
A week later, Erik announced that he and Charles were heading back to New York. He had set Hank and Sean up with their apartments and duties – though Alex was still head of the program – and he could only trust Tony so much to ensure his company was running properly; Alex suspected that Pepper and Emma were probably doing most of the work.
The day before their departure, Charles surprisingly asked him if he could speak with him in private. Curious yet nervous, Alex invited him to his office for some privacy. The door clicked shut behind him and Alex offered Charles a drink.
"No thank you, Alex. I apologize in advance if this is untoward, but I wanted to talk to you about Hank."
Alex stiffened then let out a breath. "What about him?" he asked, trying to keep his voice steady and avoiding Charles' gaze.
"You still love him."
His head snapped up at that, eyes wide. "I don't – " he faltered. He pursed his lips and clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to cease his sudden trembling. Alex sat on the edge of his desk, frowning. "Erik said you knew more than you let on. So how much do you know?"
Charles gave him a small smile. "Enough," he said vaguely. "I don't blame you, neither am I one to judge. But Alex, he loves you, too."
"No he doesn't," he refuted, maybe a bit too quickly.
The older man sighed. "It's not really my place to reveal this, but Hank's parents are . . . controlling. They pushed him hard into something that I don't think he was quite ready for. He loves biochemistry, there's no doubt about it, but his parents were too caught up in Hank's genius that they overlooked the child that craved their acceptance and pride.
"When I met him, he was already molded into a mindset to please others before pleasing himself." Charles shook his head. "It's not to say that selflessness is a bad thing, but for Hank's sake, he never knew what it was like to take happiness for himself. It was heartbreaking."
Alex was silent and Charles fixed him with a sad look. "Raven was the first to understand him. Truly understand him. I found her on the street, you know. She didn't even know who her birth parents are. I brought her home with me and convinced my mother to adopt her by any means possible. But mother never fully accepted Raven as her own, no matter how much she tried to be whoever mother wanted her to be. She eventually gave up, thankfully. And the bold young woman you met a few times is who she grew into without constraints, without the desire to satisfy someone else, without longing for acceptance."
"Why are you telling me this?" Alex suddenly asked, his brow furrowed.
"Because I don't want the best thing that's happened to Hank slip away. His one chance at true happiness." And Charles looked so sure of himself, so honest.
"What about my happiness?" he said defiantly.
Charles gave him an indulgent smile. "May or may not be with Hank in your life, and the decision is completely yours. I understand, truly. But Hank is extraordinarily tenacious when he wants to be."
Alex looked away, conflicting emotions simmering inside him. "But Raven's your sister. How can you say that when this – I – have the potential to hurt her? To break them up?"
"That is something that I really should leave to Hank to reveal," he said, shrugging apologetically. "But, I honestly think that it was pure infatuation on both of their parts. And infatuation isn't the same as love."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying," Charles said, stepping closer so Alex could see the earnestness clearly in his eyes, "That everyone has their faults, and sometimes they need to be forgiven. And from what little Erik has told me about you, I think you'd understand that more than anybody."
Alex released a shuddering breath, his heart clenching. This was too much information at once. He was finally getting some insight to Hank's decisions and he wasn't even sure he even wanted to be privy to Hank's reasoning anymore. It confused him. Charles confused him, Hank confused him, this whole fucking situation confused him. He felt a firm grip on his shoulder and looked up, meeting Charles' eyes. They were silent for several moments before Alex finally spoke, "How can I forgive him? Trust that he won't do the same to me as he's done to Raven?"
He chuckled softly, "It'll be easier than you think, Alex. And I'm absolutely positive that once Hank has happiness, he will do his utmost to ensure yours."
Alex did his best to ignore Hank unless it was absolutely necessary; he even made it a point to never be alone with the man. It didn't help that his and Charles' conversation kept replaying in his head, and he didn't know what to make of it.
Why would Charles be pushing him to forgive Hank, possibly even start a relationship with him again, when he was Raven's sister? Why wasn't he furious at Alex? How could he condone adultery?
He was missing a vital piece of information, he was sure of it, and on top of that, Hank always looked like he had something else to say. But Alex would cut him off with work related issues before he could bring it up and he'd immediately leave the room if he was in danger of them being alone together. Because his mind was a boggled mess and he didn't understand anything.
However, he could only avoid Hank so much, and Alex was finally cornered in the labs after nearly a month.
"What do you want?" he asked, trying to sound intimidating.
"Raven and I divorced and my parents disowned me," Hank said in a rush, as if he was never going to get another chance. Well, maybe he wouldn't with how much Alex had been trying to evade him. But still, Hank's news hit him like a ton of bricks.
"What?" he asked shocked. Was this what Charles had eluded to?
Hank seemed to gain more confidence with Alex's confusion. "I finally told my parents that I'm bisexual; they didn't take it well."
"That's an understatement if they disowned you," Alex quipped, still tense.
Hank managed to laugh nervously. "Yeah, well," he shrugged helplessly. "I married Raven to please my parents," he continued. "And I did love her, for a while. But then you came along and you were just so fascinating, so vibrant. I couldn't ignore what I felt about you. That's why . . ." he trailed off.
"You wanted to fuck me on the side," Alex said, voice hardening.
"I – yes," Hank admitted. "I just – I've missed you and I wanted to say that I love – "
"Don't you dare," Alex hissed. "Don't you dare say that to me." He didn't think he'd be able to contain himself if he heard Hank say those elusive words he had longed to hear for so long.
Hank shifted, eyes downcast, shoulders taunt. "But it's the truth."
"My heart's been broken more times than I care to count, McCoy. By you. Every fucking time you told me you had to go back to her, when you refused to explain yourself. I'm not about to risk it again."
"She cheated on me," Hank blurted, and Alex managed to hide his flinch, but he continued to stare at him silently. "With this . . . Russian guy. I don't know his name."
Alex still didn't say anything, gaining more resolve by the second and Hank started to fidget uncomfortably. It was almost ironic that both Raven and Hank had committed adultery. Ridiculous and completely stupid, really. "Did it hurt?" he asked finally. "Her betrayal?"
Hank bit his lip, "Yes. Yes it did."
The blond nodded, "Good." He stepped around Hank, "I'm done here."
"Wait, what?" Hank grabbed his upper arm before Alex could move away. "That's it?" he asked, eyes wide and desperate.
"What did you expect, McCoy?" he said coldly. "That I'd come running back to you once you asked for forgiveness? It doesn't work that way." Alex wrenched his arm out of Hank's grip.
"You still love me," Hank said with confidence. "I know it."
Anger sparked inside him and he was this close to sucker punching this infuriating man. "Why does that even matter?" he snapped. "It didn't matter then and it sure as hell doesn't matter now!"
"It does!" Hank cried. "It does and I'm sorry, Alex. Please."
As much as he wanted to believe him, Alex steeled himself and managed to spit out, "No," before fleeing. No matter what Charles said, he still couldn't do it. Not yet.
He left the facility early and drove home, disregarding the speed limit. Alex paced his living room, agitated. How can Hank say all of that after Alex had been through so much and expect everything to be okay?
Fine, fantastic that he had finally divorced Raven but would he have done it if she hadn't cheated? Which, really, is absolutely fucking ironic because Hank had cheated on her first and, as far as Alex knew, she still didn't know. Why hadn't he done it sooner if he claimed that he loved him?
Answer: Hank's parents.
He had said that they disowned him. It was likely because they were homophobic fucktards who couldn't handle the fact that their genius son was screwing guys instead of being 'normal'. Fine, that must have been a huge blow for Hank and even if they were jerks for not accepting Hank for who he was, they were his parents who were supposed to love and support him. But hadn't Charles said something about them always pushing Hank for more, in spite of Hank's own feelings? And he had known from before that Hank was emotionally neglected as a child.
He'd said that he married Raven to please his parents; Charles had said something about that, too. Regardless, it took a lot of courage (which Hank apparently lacked a year ago) to risk losing his family. It made Alex grateful that the only family he had left took his homosexuality in stride and almost made him feel pity – no, pity implied degradation. Sympathy – for Hank.
But he couldn't – refused – to feel sympathy, because that would release the floodgates on his emotions and he wouldn't have the strength to deny him. His heart had both soared and shattered when Hank had said the word 'love', but he had panicked and cut him off before he could finish the phrase. So he lashed out, which was his usual coping mechanism.
He hadn't wanted to believe Charles' words, but now it seemed like the truth was staring Alex right in the face. But what was he going to do about it?
Despite his own beliefs on forgiveness, Alex simply couldn't do it, and damn him if he let Hank back in after he had hurt for so long. His mood swings were unpredictable; one moment he'd be coldly dismissive, the next moment passionately angry, then suddenly numb and indifferent. Alex hated emotional rollercoasters; he'd much rather not have to deal with possible breakdowns every few minutes, thanks.
He dug his phone out of his pocket and dialed Scott's number, sitting heavily on his couch.
"Alex? You haven't called in awhile."
"Hank's here," he said as way of explanation.
He heard a sharp intake of breath on the other side. "For how long?"
"He's been here for about a month. Erik says I have to deal with it for another five," his voice was shaky. Dammit.
"How are you holding up?"
"I'm not, that's the whole point. I mean, fuck, I thought I'd never have to deal with this again."
"I don't know what to say," Scott said honestly.
"Fuck, I don't either!" He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "His parents disowned him, he divorced Raven, and he was about to say that he loves me. How the hell am I supposed to swallow all of that all at once? Hell, even his brother-in-law talked to me about forgiving him. But I can't, Scott. I just can't."
"His brother-in-law?"
"Charles, Erik's partner."
"Why would he do that?"
"Fuck if I know," he sighed. "Though he said some shit about Hank never knowing what it was like to take happiness for himself because his parents were demanding, stuck up assholes."
There was a soft chuckle on the other line. "Only you, Alex." Then Scott sobered again, "Do you believe him?"
"I don't know."
"And you still love him," Scott said; it was more of a statement than a question because Scott knew the answer.
"I do," Alex replied weakly.
"You may not be able to forgive him, maybe not yet, but you could try." Alex made a noise of rejection but Scott continued, "Jean and I wouldn't still be together if she hadn't given me another chance."
"Your situation was different." Though Alex knew that his excuse was incredibly flimsy.
"How was it different?" Scott asked calmly, though it had a bit of an edge to it, a challenge.
"Your relationship was already established."
"That's hardly a reason, Alex."
"Yeah it is," he said defiantly, childishly.
"No, it isn't," Scott sighed, knowing that Alex was refuting him just because he could. "Jean and I still loved each other and that's why she was willing to forgive and I was more than willing to prove my love, to get her to trust me again. She deserves better, and I know that, and that's why I cherish her more now. You and Hank love each other and if you give him a chance, it could very well make your relationship stronger in spite of the betrayal."
"I don't know how she could do it," Alex admitted. "I'm terrified, I don't have the courage. I just – I don't want to be hurt again."
There was a short pause before Scott said, "Do you want to talk to Jean about it?"
"What?" he startled. "God, no!"
"She'd have better advice than me in this respect."
"Shit, I know, but no. I don't think I could handle talking to her about this," he confessed.
"All right," Scott conceded. "Aren't you supposed to be at work?" he asked, changing the subject. "Isn't it three o'clock there?"
"I left," he said, a bit sheepish. "I couldn't stay."
Scott chuckled. "Of course."
Silence settled then Alex said, "Thank you. For listening to me."
"Always, Alex. Always."
Alex mulled over Scott's, Charles', and Hank's words over the next few weeks while still trying to avoid the brunet scientist; he had somehow managed to develop a sort of sixth sense to the biochemist's presence. He wasn't sure if he should be embarrassed by it or not. Did he know because he wanted to see him or because he wanted to run? Alex still felt a strong magnetism towards Hank, but he was resisting as much as he could.
Hank didn't corner him again, but Alex could see a fierce determination in those blue eyes and it made him shiver each time he met Hank's gaze. He could feel his resolve fraying, and Alex threw himself into his work, barely eating or sleeping, rarely going home. The disparity between his two distinct desires was taking a toll on him and he didn't know what to do.
He was at his limit nearly two months after his encounter with Hank until he finally decided to take a short leave of absence. Alex had been so focused on work that he hadn't realized that he had done everything important that needed to be done for the next month and a half. Which meant he'd have nothing to distract him from his whirling thoughts.
So he went home, exhausted, and collapsed into bed, succumbing to slumber almost immediately. He didn't know how long he slept, but was awoken by a tentative knock on the door. Groaning, he sluggishly made his way to the foyer and opened the door without even thinking about asking who it was (why would he?).
It was Hank.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he blurted, suddenly wide-awake.
"I wanted to make sure you're all right," Hank said. "And to talk to you."
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Now go away," he said petulantly and tried to close the door, but Hank pushed forward and Alex was forced to back up.
"You're not fine." Hank looked him up and down, and Alex suddenly felt self-conscious; he hadn't changed out of his work clothes and he probably looked frumpy and disheveled.
"What do you know, McCoy?" he growled, feeling like a cornered cat, prickly and cautious.
"Enough," he replied calmly.
"Oh, fucking hell! You annoy and confuse me so damned much!" he cried.
"I know that I've caused you to do this to yourself, though inadvertently," Hank continued, ignoring Alex's outburst.
"And what are you going to do about it?" he snapped. "Neither of us can leave, not until Erik tells us the project is on solid ground again."
"I want to help you."
"Fuck you, McCoy, I was getting along perfectly before you came back into my life and goddamn you for bringing all the emotions back."
"I've been talking to Charles," he said suddenly, and Alex's breath hitched.
"You what?"
"He said that he spoke to you before he left," he continued. "What did he say?"
The blond narrowed his eyes, "He didn't tell you?"
Hank shook his head, "He told me to talk to you, said that we should work this out on our own."
Alex snorted, "God fucking dammit. What the bloody hell is he thinking?" He sighed then abruptly turned and stalked to his couch flopping down and running a jerky hand through his hair. Hank followed. "Do you know how fucking awkward it is to have your brother-in-law talk to me about your relationship?"
Hank gave him a weak smile, sitting on the opposite end of the couch, not crowding him but close enough for either of them to reach over and touch, if they so wanted. "I can only imagine."
Alex's fingers tapped an erratic rhythm on the armrest, his thoughts a confused jumble. "Why should I believe you?"
The brunet nibbled his bottom lip and Alex had to consciously avert his eyes. "I don't know," he finally said.
He quirked an eyebrow, "You're being honest, at least."
"I – " Hank's gaze fell to his lap. "I'm trying."
"Trying what?"
"To be more honest. With myself and with others."
Alex eyed him speculatively, warily. "Why?"
"I love you."
He made a strangled noise in the back of his throat and clenched his jaw. "I told you not to say that."
"I'm not lying."
"You have before," he shot back.
Hank shifted, "I know. I'm sorry. I just – "
"Just what?" he asked, defensively. "Do you have any idea what you've put me through these past couple years?" His voice was deceptively calm, but he could feel the pent up anger and pain and desperation boiling under the surface.
Hank opened his mouth to reply, but Alex cut him off. "Of course you don't. You have no idea what it's like to lose control, to love and be so damn afraid of it being ripped away." His voice started rise, and practically growled his next sentence. "You may not have had a perfect family but it was a damn better situation than mine was.
"Charles told me that you never knew how to put your own happiness before others. Is it true?" He knew he was being cruel, but dammit, a part of him needed to hear it from Hank, wanted to strike back at Hank where it would hurt most.
"Yes," Hank said. "It's true."
"What changed?"
"You," he said simply. "You intrigued me. You're handsome, smart, defiant, and passionate." A light blush emerged on Hank's cheeks and Alex's heart jumped at the sight. "And I was terrified. What I felt for you, I've never felt for anyone else, not even Raven. It scared me. I was naïve to think that you'd stay with me no matter what and I was an idiot for not realizing it sooner.
"I was afraid what my parents would think of me; I'd tried so hard for them to accept me, to appreciate me. Sure, they liked the fact that I was smart, but nothing seemed enough for them. I knew they wouldn't be keen on me loving another man. So I hid who I was and tried to suppress my feelings for you. It didn't work, and it was a terrible time for me, too."
"Yet you consciously continued to hurt me. Even that night when I – " he stammered, " – told you how I felt, you didn't say anything."
"I wanted to. I really did."
Alex let out a long-suffering sigh. "Maybe neither of us deserves happiness."
"Don't say that," Hank said forcefully, and Alex gave him a weak smile.
"So much has happened, Hank. I don't think this – whatever this is – is even reparable." Alex felt oddly subdued. It surprised him how calmly he was handling the situation.
"You don't want to try?" There was a glimmer of . . . something in Hank's eyes, but Alex couldn't quite place it.
"How can I trust you after everything?" he asked, avoiding the question.
"I don't know, Alex. But I'm willing to try." Hank reached over and took Alex's hand in his, and Alex had to resist jerking away; he hadn't touched Hank in so long that feeling his warmth again was jarring. He stared at their entwined fingers, bemused and conflicted.
"I still don't understand you," he finally said.
Hank smiled, small and hopeful. "Maybe you will, eventually."
He almost liked the sound of that, but Alex sighed and disentangled his hand from Hank's, standing. He glanced at the clock and said, "It's late. I can't do this right now. Sleep on the couch if you want, but I'm going back to bed."
Hank stood as well, looking a bit disappointed, but he nodded in acquiescence. "All right."
Alex made his way back to the bedroom without a word and dug around for extra blankets and pillows before heading back to the living area. Alex tossed the bedding on the couch and managed to meet Hank's gaze without flinching.
"Good night, Alex." Hank sounded so sincere, and he was in his apartment, and dammit why did he think this was a good idea?
He pursed his lips and muttered, "'Night."
When his bedroom door clicked closed, Alex let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He leaned against the door and let his head fall back with a thud. His eyes closed in resignation, defeat; he was so tired. Long moments passed before Alex finally hefted himself forward and stripped to his boxers, tossing his clothes haphazardly. Alex settled under the covers and stared unseeingly at the ceiling.
He didn't know how long he lay there, but he eventually fell into a dreamless sleep. The following morning, soothing fingers running through his hair roused him and he buried deeper into the blankets, letting out a hum of contentment. He heard a soft chuckle, but the petting didn't stop and Alex dozed for a few more minutes.
Finally, Alex blearily blinked sleep out of his eyes and was met with a serene looking Hank McCoy, eyes bright and clear, a soft smile on his lips. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, arm extended to gently stroke Alex's hair.
"I can't believe I denied myself this for so long."
"Yeah, well, just 'cause you're a genius doesn't mean you're not an idiot, too," Alex said groggily.
Hank's smile widened marginally, "I suppose I deserved that."
Alex grunted, rubbing the sand out of his eyes and sighing. Last night had been . . . overwhelming. He wasn't even sure what he ought to believe anymore.
"I've made a decision," Hank said, removing his hand from Alex's head.
Alex sighed, "What's that?"
"I want to regain your trust."
The blond blinked in surprise, eyes wide in disbelief. "What?"
"I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm willing to try for however long it takes. I want this – us – to work."
"Hank – " he paused and bit his lip. How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? "You've grown more confident," was what he ended up saying.
The brunet let out a quiet laugh. "That's good, right?" Hank swung his legs onto the bed and lay down next to Alex, a hand resting gently on Alex's hip. "I love you." A shudder ran through Alex and he ducked his head further into the pillows, speechless and terrified. Alex felt fingers dance across the nape of his neck, under his ear, tracing his jawline. He leaned into the touch unconsciously, and Hank lifted his chin gently so they could look each other in the eye; Alex found himself drowning in those blue irises all over again.
"You're serious," he said softly, more of a statement than a question.
"I am." Hank ghosted his fingers up to his cheekbones and back down to his neck. And when Hank leaned in for a kiss, he didn't resist, but he also didn't return it; it was incredibly reminiscent to one of the first kisses they shared nearly two years before.
"Please, at least let me try," Hank breathed against Alex's lips.
Alex didn't answer, still conflicted. He wanted to, he really did, but he was afraid. He couldn't simply forget the past two years and all the heartbreak Hank had put him through. How could he? Maybe in time he could forgive but . . .
"My life may not have been as difficult as yours," Hank suddenly said, "But I had my own hardships I had to deal with. My parents, my intellect . . . I envied you for being so strong, for being able to stand up for yourself and what you believe in."
"I'm not strong," Alex mumbled. "Look at me now."
"You are," Hank said forcefully. "I just put you through a shit time."
Alex's lip twitched in weak amusement, "Did you just swear?"
A smile and a light blush (which Alex still thought adorable and tried his already weak resolve), "I did."
Alex leaned forward, rested his forehead against Hank's, their breaths intermingling. "I'm scared," he admitted.
"I know."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. 'Cause I am, too."
"Why?"
"Of losing you. Of making a mistake. Of not being able to convince you."
"You're really sure about this, aren't you?" Alex whispered.
"Yes."
What could Alex do? He could push Hank away and reject what he'd been longing for so long or he could give in and fall willingly into Hank's warmth. But he was so tired of fighting; wouldn't it be easier succumb to what he so desperately wanted?
Alex extricated an arm from the sheets and rested a tentative hand at the nape of Hank's neck. He played with the strands of hair, earning him a shuddering breath from Hank's lush lips, so close to his.
He still wanted Hank, so much. He wanted to touch and not be afraid of the repercussions. He wanted to feel Hank's warmth next to him when he woke up. He wanted to be happy without doubt hanging in the back of his mid. He wanted to love without regrets.
"Okay," he finally said.
"Yeah?" Hank asked hopefully.
"Yeah," he replied with a small smile, and Alex leaned forward to press his lips against Hank's. The brunet returned the kiss gently and Alex, in spite of everything, through all his doubt and fears, finally felt right.
Their relationship was far from perfect, he knew, but then again, which relationship was? And if Hank was willing to try, then Alex was, too.
Maybe Scott was right; if forgiveness was the first step, then maybe Alex would be able to have more than just a little bit of happiness. If Hank was there beside him every step of the way, maybe he could learn to trust again.
And he thought that maybe, just maybe, that he could let himself believe.
AN: I am absolutely certain that there will be mixed reactions/emotions to this ending. So . . . give me your thoughts! Love it, hate it, ambivalent? Believable? Realistic? Tell me!
In my head, Alex does eventually forgive Hank and Hank eventually does earn Alex's trust back, but not without some trials and tribulations. After all, what's a relationship without some problems? And like Alex's thoughts, no relationship is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes forgiveness is the first step.