Star Gates Crossing
Chapter 4: Falling Back to Earth
Sam awoke to bright sunshine pouring in through Jack's bedroom window. She yawned and stretched and told herself it wasn't all a dream. She and Jack had walked back to the cabin the night before and cuddled together by the fire to get warm. They had talked and touched and kissed and laughed. It was like he had always been a part of her life and she couldn't remember the last time she felt so blissfully happy.
Before things became too heated they agreed to say goodnight. Everything was moving so fast, only two days ago they were virtual strangers. She wasn't ready to take any further leaps in their relationship just yet. Jack understood and Sam appreciated him for it.
But now it was morning and she couldn't wait to see him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and give him a big kiss and tell him how much she had missed him, even though they had only been apart a few hours, and most of that time she was unconscious. It didn't matter. She longed to be near him. So she bounded out of the bed and went to find him.
Sam was disappointed when it was clear on entering the great room that Jack was not in the cabin. He had left a note on the table informing her that he had gone to help clear the road from this end. Sam's spirits sank a little at the idea of the rest of the world intruding upon their perfect bubble of togetherness, which they had enjoyed for such a short time. For just a moment her own self doubt crept in and she wonder if Jack was having second thoughts about being with her.
But the rest of the note quelled her fears. It read, "We have a party to go to tonight."
Sam's heart leaped. Jack was going to Catherine's Christmas Eve party, and he wanted her by his side.
Sam ate and got ready for the day feeling like she was floating on air. All the while she was imagining that evening with Jack: folded in his arms on the dance floor, swaying to soft Christmas music, perhaps even sharing a kiss under the mistletoe. She realized she was going to need something to wear. Something spectacular. She wondered if it would be too late to do a little shopping once the roads were clear, or maybe she should call Janet and Cassie and see if they could help her find something.
The roads must have been pretty bad because Sam had been up for a few hours and Jack still had not returned. Sam tried to amuse herself with reading, but she couldn't concentrate on the words. Holding one of Jack's books in her hands brought back a torrent of memories from last night and she wanted so badly to be holding him, not just his words. She thought about preparing a meal for when Jack returned, but she had no idea when that might be. She considered calling him, but felt a little shy about asking him when he would be home to eat. It seemed too much like a wife checking in on her husband at work. Sam's cheeks even reddened at such a thought.
She was grasping for something to occupy her time when she struck upon an idea. It was Christmas Eve and there wasn't a single decoration in sight. Jack had said that he spent holidays here with his grandparents every year well into adulthood, and as it was clear from the look of this place that Jack never threw anything of his grandparents' away. Sam was certain there had to be Christmas decorations around here somewhere. If she could find them Sam could surprise him with a cabin decked out for the holidays just like he remembered from his childhood. Maybe they could even go out and cut down a Christmas tree together later in the day. It was the perfect plan and Sam set to work searching for the elusive ornaments.
o-O-o
Sam discovered a seldom used door at the back of the cabin near the spare bedroom. She knew it was seldom used because the door handle stuck and the hinges creaked when she opened it. Behind the door was a small storage room not much larger than a walk in closet. It was cluttered and disorganized. Sam waded in and began to look around.
At first she thought she was seeing remnants of Jack's boyhood. There were half closed boxes of toy planes, baseball trophies, and race cars. A rusted bike covered in cobwebs sat in the corner. There was even a ratty old teddy bear with only one eye that had been left on the floor where it had fallen, covered in a thick layer of dust.
Sam soon realized, however, that these things did not belong to Jack. The name Charlie was written all over the discarded items. Letting her curiosity get the better of her, Sam began looking through the stacks of boxes. She found a photo album titled "The O'Neill Family." It had pictures of a young Jack in his Air Force uniform marrying a pretty blond woman in a ruffled eighties nightmare of a dress. They both looked so happy and in love. On later pages Sam saw pictures of Jack holding a new born infant in his arms. Flipping forward she saw the child grow into a young boy, holding baseball bat and glove with a toothless grin. One of the last pictures in the album was a school photo of the same boy, now around age nine in a blue hooded sweater and grey t-shirt. Next to it was a picture of Jack, arm around his wife and a hand upon the boy's shoulder in front of a two-story clapboard house. They looked so happy.
Sam was stunned. She had no idea Jack had a family. He never said a word about it. Sam's mind was drawn back to Jack's books. They were all about a father and son who found a doorway to the stars and explored the galaxy together. Could that be Charlie? And where was this family now? Sam could find no evidence of Charlie past the age of nine.
She didn't even stop to think that she might be reaching into a hornet's nest best avoided as she worked to piece together the puzzle of Jack's missing family and find answers to all the questions now swimming around in her mind.
Pulling the lid off another box she discovered piles of old medical records from the Minneapolis Children's Hospital. There had been an accident. From notes in the files and recalling snippets of conversations with people in town over the last week Sam was able to reconstruct the story.
Five years ago Jack had taken Charlie ATVing through the woods and trails surrounding the cabin sometime in the late fall. Somehow, Jack must have hit something that made him lose control of the four wheeler and they both went flying. Charlie was badly injured. He was emergency medevaced to Minneapolis.
That must have been how Jack met Janet. She was one of Charlie's doctors.
Charlie fell into a comma before reaching the hospital. For three weeks his brain function deteriorated until there was nothing left to do. His parents signed the order to take him off life support.
Sam was stunned and broken hearted for Jack. She couldn't begin to imagine what it must have been like to watch your child slowly slip away from you like that. The anguish must have been nearly unbearable.
The last thing she found was a letter from Jack's wife, Sara. It was dated December 24. Daniel had talked Jack into making an appearance at Catherine's annual Christmas Eve Party. Sara hadn't joined them. Instead she had packed her bags and left this note for Jack to find on his return.
From the tone of the missive it was obvious that Sara was grief stricken and angry. She didn't say it directly, but it was clear she blamed Jack for the accident and the loss of their son. She wasn't prepared to forgive him and it didn't sound like Jack was ready to forgive himself either. When Sara could no longer take the wall of bitter silence that had built up between them she ran away, and Jack closed himself up in this cabin alone for a very long time.
Sam didn't know what eventually brought Jack back out into the world, but she was pretty sure it had something to do with Daniel, Teal'c, Janet, Cassie, and probably Catherine too. All the people in town who loved him and wouldn't let him throw away his life in guilt and grief.
A shadow fell across the box Sam had just finished repacking. She turned to see Jack standing in the door. With the light from the hallway behind him outlining his form his face was in shadow and inscrutable.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Jack's rigid frame emanated waves of anger toward Sam for this intrusion into his personal life.
Sam wanted to explain. She tried to tell him why she had come into this room in the first place. At least make him understand that she did not set out to uncover all his buried secrets.
"Get out." He cut her off with a quiet snarl and stepped aside to give her passage.
Sam left the room quickly. She heard the door slam as she reentered the living room. Jack soon followed his face now a mask of indifference.
"Get your things." Jack began donning the coat he must have shed only moments before.
"Jack, I'm sorry. Can we please talk about this?" Sam pleaded with him, but he cut her off.
"The road is clear. You don't need to be here anymore. Get your things. I'm taking you back to town." He stalked out the front door without a glance in her direction.
Sam stood in the center of the living room like the proverbial cheese, unsure of what to do next. Finally, she decided there was nothing else for her to do but leave.
Redressed in her torn jeans and battered jacket Sam stepped outside and found Jack securing Siler's motorcycle to the rear of the truck. Sam got into the cab and waited for Jack to join her. They rode to town in total silence. On the journey Sam went through a kaleidoscope of varying emotions. She was sad, angry and hurt. Jack had turned on her so quickly and so completely it made her head ache. She wondered if she had merely imagined their night together under the stars. It all seemed like a vague dream now.
By the time Jack pulled the truck up in front of the Inn, Sam was well and truly furious. How dare he treat her this way? How dare he pretend she was important to him and then toss her out when she did something he didn't like?
She knew she had been in the wrong to go through his personal things without his permission and she was prepared to apologize for that. But he had no right to act like her transgression was an unpardonable intrusion. She had shared all the personal details of her own life with him. Sam was appalled that he did not trust her with so many important aspects of his own history.
Sam launched herself from the truck and slammed the door as hard as she could. Daniel and Janet had been in the lobby and heard the commotion. They were coming out the door as Sam blew past them. Jack didn't leave the truck. He just backed up, turned on to the road and drove away.
"Oh boy." Daniel adjusted his glasses and wrapped his arms around his torso as he turned to Janet. "What do you think is going on there?"
"I don't know," Janet folded her arms and tapped her foot on the porch, "but I think maybe we ought to find out." She suspected all this might be an indication of some little lover's quarrel.
"Maybe we should wait." Daniel knew Jack's temper and he didn't want to set himself up in the line of fire before it had some time to cool. And because Daniel knew Jack so well he was certain this had to be more than a little tiff. Something much more important was going on.
They were getting cold so Daniel and Janet agreed they would do better to discuss how to help their friends once they were back inside.
o-O-o
Fifteen minutes later Sam heard a soft knock at her door and Janet poked her head in. "Can I come in?"
Sam was tossing things into her suitcases without much regard for the subtleties of efficient packing. Janet tried to get her to talk about what had happened. Sam was reluctant to say anything at first, but gradually she opened up. Janet was a good and patient listener and Sam needed to say it all out loud to feel like any of it was real.
When Sam finished her tale both women were seated closely together on the bed, packing forgotten. Sam was fighting back tears.
"He's been hurt so badly." Janet handed Sam a tissue. She was anxious for Sam to understand and forgive Jack. "You're the first person I think he's even considered opening his heart to since Sara left."
"Then why is he pushing me away like this?" Sam pleaded for Janet to explain.
"He's scared, Sam. He wants you and it scares him." Janet laid her hands on Sam's, but she pulled away and rose from the bed.
Sam stared unseeing out the window. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and fought to get the words out. She couldn't believe how painful they were to say. "He doesn't want me anymore."
Janet wouldn't accept that. She tried again to get Sam to take a step back and analyze the situation more rationally. "He just wasn't prepared to confront this all at once. I'm sure when he's had some time . . . ."
"I'll already be gone." Sam jumped in.
"Sam, please don't leave now." Janet rose from the bed and took hold of Sam, turning the taller woman to face her. "That's not what any of us want, especially not Jack."
"You're wrong, Janet." Sam backed away. She pointed toward the phone on the night stand, "I called Siler. He said the car is ready to go. Jack paid for everything. Apparently, he can't see me gone fast enough."
"Is that what you think?" Janet asked.
Sam's eyes seemed to reply, "What else could it be?"
Janet enlightened her.
"Sam, Jack gave Daniel money for you to stay here the first night you arrived. He paid Siler to tow your car into town. He had already promised to cover the repairs. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't pay Siler a little extra to dawdle on getting it them done. He wasn't trying to get you to leave; he's being doing everything he can to make sure you stay."
Janet gave Sam a moment to reflect on this new information then continued with her impassioned defense of Jack's motives. "He loves you Sam. I don't know if he's ready to admit that yet, even to himself, but he does."
Sam again seated herself on the bed and tried to take in all this new information. Jack had been taking care of her all along. For a moment Sam was able to push aside her anger at the unfeeling, damaged man she had seen that afternoon and remember the kind, caring man she had fallen in love with the night before.
"And what about you?" Janet's voice broke into Sam's thoughts.
"What about me?" Sam responded in confusion.
"You can't keep running away every time life gets a little hard. I've tried that remember. Even if Jack continues being incredibly pig-head," Sam snorted at that apt description, "you belong here, with us," Janet concluded.
"I don't know Janet." Sam's resolve was weakening. She wasn't sure she could stay when everything between her and Jack was so strained and she had no idea how to fix it, if it could be fixed at all. But Janet was right; Sam did feel like she belonged here. She really didn't want to leave.
Janet rose from the chair she had taken across from Sam, perched at the end of the bed, and moved to the door.
"Well, whatever you decide you can't leave tonight. It's the big Christmas party and Cassie will be crushed if you aren't there."
Sam twisted around to give Janet a scornful look. That was a low blow using Cassie against her. Janet knew how much Sam adored the girl and that she would not want to disappoint her.
Janet's look was one of subtle triumph. She knew she had scored the winning point.
Not wanting her to get away without some last murmur of protest, Sam arrested Janet's retreat with a final, important question, "But what will I wear?"
o-O-o
Daniel found Jack seated in a lawn chair on the dock by the side of his cabin. He was casting a line at the frozen pond. There was nothing at the end of that line, but since it couldn't get through the thick layer of ice covering the shallow waters of a pond that held absolutely no fish that didn't really matter.
Jack heard the other man approaching and knew who it was without needing to look up. He suspected it was only a matter of time before someone disturbed his peace after the scene back at the Inn. While he wasn't anxious to discuss any of this, Jack was grateful Daniel hadn't sent Teal'c. Otherwise, he'd be in that pond already, Jack was certain.
Daniel dangled a beer in front of Jack's face and he took it. Noting Daniel carried a second beer, Jack allowed himself the hope that this conversation might yet be derailed by the former archeologist's inability to hold his liquor. Daniel easily lowered himself to a seated position next to Jack's chair.
"You're butt's going to get cold." Jack took a swig of his beer and continued going through the motions of fishing.
Daniel ignored him and sipped lightly on his own beer, trying to decide how to begin.
Jack beat him to the punch, "I don't want to talk about it, Daniel." His voice had a finality to it that Daniel recognized.
"OK," thought Daniel to himself, "new plan."
"I remember you bringing me up here to fish just after Sha're died." Jack released an impatient sigh.
Daniel ignored him and continued. "Losing Sha're, that was the most painful day of my life. I couldn't have survived it alone."
Daniel paused and felt the hollow place in his heart left by his wife's absence. He knew that space would never be filled, but his heart had expanded around it to fold in new experiences and new people, equally as precious to him.
"I love the past. Well, you know that." Daniel switched gears without warning. "That's why I studied archeology. It's fixed. Something you can hold on to and count on. Even when you are still discovering all the details and trying to understand the nuances it doesn't change or get away from you. It will always be there."
"Is there a point here Daniel?" Jack new this would eventually come back around to him and Sam, he just wanted to skip the scenic tour of Daniel's philosophical musings.
Daniel was not inclined to oblige.
"There's not a day I don't think about Sha're." The pendulum of Daniel's thoughts swung back again. "Sometimes I try and relive in my mind the days we spent together. More often I wonder what our life could have been if we were just given more time. I think about the places I never got to show her, the experiences we never shared, like having a family."
Jack thought about his lost family. It still ached. He was sure it always would.
After another sip from his beer Daniel continued his pondering. "It's enticing you know, living in the world of 'what if?' I'll get so caught up in it I can forget what I'm supposed to be doing in the here and now. And for a time, she's with me again and it's like she never died."
Jack understood. There were times he would let himself imagine that Charlie was still alive.
"But I wonder" Daniel continued, "if by letting myself live so much in the past if I'm not missing out on having something just as special in the future. That road ahead, it's scary, but maybe it's time to leave the past behind and strike out in a new direction."
Jack reflected on the last few days. He had begun to imagine a different kind of future for himself, and at every turn he saw Sam.
Finally Jack gave in to the inevitable and asked, "Daniel, what do you want me to do?"
"Sorry?" Daniel looked up like he was surprised to find Jack still sitting there. "I wasn't talking about you. You didn't want to talk about it, remember?"
After a brief pause, however, Daniel added, "For me, I'm tired of being frozen in time."
At that Daniel rose to his feet. "Speaking of frozen . . . ." Daniel set the barely touched beer down beside Jack's chair and brushed the snow from his rear. "I should be getting back. I have some things to take care of before the party."
Before turning to leave Daniel added, "Catherine is still expecting you to be there."
Jack gave a non-committal grunt, but Daniel had already rounded the corner at the front of the cabin and took no note of it.
After staring out at the water before him and the woods beyond for some time, lost in deep thought, Jack stirred himself and muttered a curse under his breath, "Damn it, Daniel. Why do you always have to be right?"
o-O-o
Sam felt the need to get out of the confines of the Inn while she considered her options. He ankle was still a little tender so she made the short walk to the town square and sat down on a bench to watch the hustle and bustle of the town go by. It was Christmas Eve and the night of Catherine's party; so everyone in town was astir finishing preparations for the big event.
As each person walked by they waved hello or engaged her in a brief conversation. Sam cherished every warm, friendly smile. She would miss them all so much if she were to leave. She thought about what Janet had said—that she belonged here—and Sam was coming to see that she was right. Except for the last few hours, Sam had been so happy here. If only things hadn't gone so horribly wrong between her and Jack.
Seeing Teal'c coming toward her, Sam quickly brushed away the tears that had trickled down her cheeks. He took a place next to her on the bench after receiving her nod of permission. She tried to hide her present distress from him, but his penetrating gaze saw all. He looked on her with kind regard. Then he reached over and placed the box he was carrying with him on her lap.
The package was wrapped in festive paper of sparkling golden stars on a white background, and tied with a matching bow.
"For me?" Sam asked.
Teal'c inclined his head. He indicated she should open the gift.
Sam unwrapped it carefully. She handed the paper to Teal'c who folded it and set it aside. She lifted the lid and pulled back the crepe within. Sam gasped in amazement. Inside was a light blue dress of shiny satin with elegant silver beading along the bodice. It was the loveliest gown Sam had ever seen. After examining for a few moments, she lay it carefully back in its box and put the present aside. She wrapped her arms around Teal'c's neck and wept. "Thank you, Teal'c."
Teal'c held her as she spilled out her sorrow and frustration in broken words and prodigious tears. An hour later as the sun began to set they walked arm in arm back to the Inn, and Sam found she felt a little bit better.