Chapter 4

Sarah Shepard sighed loudly and got up from the little two person table in her apartment prison and walked across her small room to the window. The datapad she'd been reviewing still in her hand. It was a report of all she knew and could find about the Reapers. She was going over it for weaknesses. She didn't really need it, she'd written up the report herself but sometimes it helped to have something tangible. Other times visualizing was enough. Using both methods almost always worked when she was faced with a challenge. This time was not one of them.

Like all the other times before she just couldn't think of anything. They were just too big, too advanced. Even if they created a virus that would work with their physiology there would be no way to get it past the Reapers shields. They had to have a weakness, everything had at least one. She had to find it, and it was there in her datapad; in her memory, she just had to pull it out.

She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed again. Her Auburn wavy hair had grown to the middle of her shoulder blades. She'd have to see if she could take some time to get it cut seeing as how she was going to be here forever. Looking out the window but not really seeing anything she thought about her few months in prison. Since Anderson had transferred her to the apartment in Vancouver she hadn't heard from him though he left updates for James to give her. And of her crew only Liara managed to contact her with Lt. Vega's aid.

James. He'd been totally unexpected. Her prison guard, bodyguard, and only visitor, he'd gotten under skin. He always had an easy smile or a flirty wink. She felt more at ease in his company than she could ever remember feeling. Something she tried to attribute to her extended stay with no Command or contact with the outside world.

She still felt a little embarrassed when the memory of her more or less throwing herself at Vega pushed to the surface. He seemed to know that she couldn't talk about it and, like her, had pretended nothing happened. She was forever grateful but there was a small part of her that had wanted him to look at her, past her faults and cybernetics and kiss her until all she could do was feel. Struggling to push that thought back into her subconscious she tried to focus on the foliage outside. She registered a small boy content to play with his toy shuttle.

Three knocks at her door disrupted her concentration. She turned to wait for James to enter. There was no one else it could be albeit he was earlier than usual. It was only one in the afternoon.

As soon as he came in James snapped into a salute. "Commander."

Even after seeing him every day her stomach still did a little flutter, he was just so male. "James, you're not supposed to call me that anymore." She said more out of habit than to admonish him.

He dropped the salute smiling, he said. "I'm not supposed to salute you either."

"Why so formal today?" A feeling of unease traveled through her. He always just came in and locked the door behind him, and he hadn't saluted her since that first month he was guarding her.

His smile gone and he said, "The defense committee wants to see you."

She immediately dropped the datapad on the desk and got into step with him following him out, glad she'd dressed in her fatigues today. "Sounds important. Did they say why?"

"No." He shook his head. "Just to get you, now."

As they walked to the Defense chambers there was no chit chat and no smiling just a flurry of activity all around. There seemed to be three times as many people in the building than normal. The feeling that something was seriously wrong got stronger the closer they got to the Defense chambers. The crease between James's eyebrows showed he was as concerned as she was; she was glad he stayed close.

They were demanding her presence, not the Tribunal, so it had nothing to do with the trial. This was the same group of people who relieved her of duty in the first place. Some lame excuse to try and distance the Alliance from what she'd done. The closer they got to the Defense chambers the more certain she became that it could only be one thing. To be proved right about the Reapers coming though was not any sort of comfort.

James knew she would be coming to the same conclusion he was. The Reapers had finally started their assault. What else would have the Defense committee call him in the middle of drills to bring the Commander as soon as possible? Anderson met them in the hallway and Vega stood back to let them talk. He couldn't help that his eyes strayed to her ass.

She filled out her uniform in all the right ways. It was bizarre that he could notice something like that and that he was still content to look at it considering he'd just heard Anderson inform them that Admiral Hackett had mobilized the entire fleet. Shepard made Anderson confirm the Reapers had started their assault. She was justifiably pissed that now the Alliance wanted her help. But what pulled his attention was where they were headed; Earth.

His first thought was 'hell yeah', it would be the fight of his life. The thought of combat never scared him. His second thought again returned to the woman in front of him with the bitable ass. Would he ever see her again? There was no way the Alliance wouldn't reinstate her. Only an idiot wouldn't. Shepard would be their best hope, shit probably everybody's. But he had to assume his assignment with her would be over and they'd put him on the front line.

At the top of the stairs they ran into an old acquaintance of the Commanders, Major Ashley Williams. She looked like any other hardass military chick. Her brown hair was about as long as Shepards had gotten. He watched Shepard interact with her and congratulate the Major on achieving the rank. A tense moment passed between the two women. The Commander broke eye contact to look at him and he realized this was where they would part ways. He gave in to the impulse to touch her one last time. He held out his hand and said. "Commander, good luck in there."

She took his hand. "James…" They didn't immediately release each other. He should have said something but he couldn't think of the right thing to say with Anderson and the Major standing there.

"We have to go." Anderson said. Shepard let go of his hand, whatever she'd been planning on saying died on her lips. She smiled at him one more time then turned and left.

Not more than five minutes later it seemed the whole base was thrown into upheaval. The Reapers hadn't been on their way, they were already here on Earth. And they'd starting attacking the whole of Vancouver, not just the base. He and the Major had gotten to the Normandy and picked up the Commander just in time, leaving Anderson behind. He was currently in the shuttle bay now, pacing back and forth silently fuming.

He did not want to leave Earth. That's where he was needed, where the fight was, no matter the odds. As soon as Shepard came aboard she'd ordered Joker to the Citadel when he realized they were leaving. It didn't sit right with him. They'd all seen the destruction, the reapers. He'd always believed Shepard about their existence and their goals but they were a whole hell of a lot bigger than he could have ever imagined. People needed them, how could they just leave? How could she? The order coming from Anderson didn't change the way he felt, it was like they were running.

He couldn't keep her harsh words from replaying in his head. "We have to have help in this fight, we'll never win this alone. Don't you think I'd rather stay? I don't like it either but the Admiral is right in this, we're going to the Citadel. You want out? You can catch a ride from there." Her blunt anger at him and the way she'd just dismissed him was sobering. It was a reminder that things had changed in more ways than just the Reapers invading. He realized now that by his disagreement with her he had questioned her orders, in turn questioning her authority. Anderson naturally reinstated her to full rank and gave her command of the Normandy again. Even if she wasn't his commanding officer she was his superior officer, there was no excuse for what he did, no matter how close they'd gotten.

His anger dissipated as he paced away his excess adrenaline. Thinking more clearly it humbled him that she'd seen through her anger at leaving to the wisdom in what Anderson had told them to do. Earth wasn't the only place the Reapers would hit. They would hit every other colonized world in the galaxy and the only way anyone had a chance for survival was if they all worked together. Their next step was Mars though not the Citadel. And when the elevators opened he stopped pacing and watched her walk out, the Major behind her. They looked at each other for a brief moment, but she kept on going to the ground shuttle.

The weave underlays on their uniforms had to touch skin in order to keep them cool or hot, depending on climate, as well as administer medi-gel when necessary. She and Ashley changed into their gear in the elevator to have a private space to change in. They were changing because after her argument with Vega, Admiral Hackett had come through an emergency comm channel. He reaffirmed Andersons order to go to the Citadel to start building alliances but first they had to make a stop at Mars to Help Liara with some Prothean artifact. The silence in the elevator was thick and she was glad when they left. She missed Ashley but now was not the time to mend fences.

When she came out her eyes sought him out. He was pacing like a caged animal but stopped when he saw her. She hated how quickly her world had tilted. And she really hated that she was going to have to go topside with unresolved history with Ashley and whatever it was that was going on with her and Vega.

He looked dangerous in his gear with his rifle in his hand. Because his gear hid the tattoo on his neck it made the scar running from nose to cheek under his eye more apparent, and if possible that made him more attractive to her. She had to be going crazy to see these things about him at a time like this. She pushed yet another thing on her list to deal with to 'later'. Continuing on to the Kodiak she tried to get herself ready for what was waiting for them on Mars.

Joker came over the comm to advise them they were four minutes from the drop zone. She and Ashley sat down in the back while Vega hopped in the pilots' seat. She wanted to know what they'd found on Mars that could potentially destroy the Reapers? And why was she just hearing about it now? Whatever, she'd find out and then she could come back to the Normandy. As Vega took the Kodiak out she smiled to herself, she'd be coming back to the Normandy, she was home.

On their way to Mars Ashley was going through several emotions. It was great to see Shepard again. The last time they'd met was not her finest moment. They'd become really good friends during their time on the SR-1. Shepard was the best Commander she'd ever had. And she'd helped Ashley realize that maybe having aliens on the crew wasn't such a bad deal after all. Shepard was another badass solider chick who liked guns and didn't mind getting dirty. She'd even started becoming friends with Liara.

She smiled at the memories. Then Shepard died. It was like losing a sister. It was horrible. Shortly after she lost touch with the rest of the Normandy crew.

Then two years later, she couldn't believe what she was seeing on Horizon. It was Shepard and she was alive, but not only working for Cerberus almost completely rebuilt by them. At the time she'd felt betrayed and a little freaked. Instead of saying how happy she was that Shepard was alive, she shut down any apologies or reasoning Shepard had offered and told her she didn't want to talk to her.

Almost a year on and Ashley very much regretted her reaction. She understood what Shepard had tried to tell her then. But still wasn't sure if she could trust Shepard. If Shepard wasn't being controlled by some type of electronic implanted in her, she'd spent almost a year as a tool for Cerberus. Through all her doubts she had to concede that it would be good to fight with Shepard again. As they landed she locked her helmet and followed the Lt and the Commander to the surface of Mars.

Several hours later Ashley knew she'd been right, it had been good to be back with Shepard. But also as a nice surprise Liara had been on Mars and immediately Shepard dismissed the LT back to the ship. He was attractive and he took orders well. It'd been nice to have Liara back. She'd changed, she was much more reserved, definitely less shy and she seemed to know everything. She couldn't help but think that they were part of the SR-1 again. That's when it all went to hell. Whatever this EVA bitch was she was going after Shepard and Ashley had to prevent that.

Back on the ship, after the disaster that was Mars, Shepard was dazed. She didn't know if Ashley as alive or dead. Shepard barely heard Liara when she'd said they needed to go to the Citadel immediately to get Ashley medical attention. She ordered Joker to take them to the Citadel. She ordered Liara and EDI to get whatever they could from EVA and she looked at Ashley once more. She couldn't believe Ashley still didn't believe her intentions were good and that she'd never sacrifice innocents to accomplish her goals. Cerberus was a means to an end and she'd fought the Illusive Man every step of the way. With nothing left to do Shepard headed up to her quarters to shower.

Forty minutes later they'd docked at the Citadel and after making sure Ashley was taken care of James went and restocked his supplies. His goal was to get done what he needed to get done as quickly as possible and then head to the embassies to wait for Shepard. He knew she'd gone to visit Ashley in Huerta Memorial first, to make sure she was settled. Something he approved of, politics could always wait. But he didn't want to miss her because he had no idea what she'd do after speaking with the council and Udina. So he'd wait so he didn't miss her, he had to talk to her. About an hour later he finally saw her walking out looking extremely restless.

He knew the council believed her now, after doubting her for years and wasting time for pretty much all of them. Not that it did much good now nor could it be consolation. He wondered how the council reacted to the potential weapon they'd found. He had to admit it seemed like they were reaching for straws but something was better than nothing. Her face was a mask and she almost missed him on the way to the elevator. She slowed down when she saw him and changed direction, now or never he thought.

She was surprised to see James in the embassies she'd been expecting him to catch the first ship back to Earth. His arms were crossed and he was looking out the window like a sexy, immovable wall. He turned his head and when he saw her his beautiful brown eyes flashed an unidentifiable emotion. She wished he hadn't looked at her, then she could have kept going. Particularly because his being there reminded her of him leaving and she didn't want to think about it or how it made her feel. She couldn't be rude so she slowly walked up to him.

"What are you doing here James, I thought you were catching the first shuttle back?" She said a little sharper than she had intended.

He turned fully to her at attention and saluted. "Commander." He didn't want to mess this up and falling back on military protocol was instinct drilled into him.

She had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from telling him not to call her that anymore. It wasn't true now and it felt too intimate with so many people around. It caused her a moment of sadness to realize their easy banter would change. No matter what happened she didn't want it to be this way between them so she said "At ease." He moved to parade rest which wasn't really someone relaxing.

"Commander, I've come to tell you that I would like to stay and help with your mission if that's still an option."

He was so formal it was unnerving. "Yes, as long as you're committed, regardless of where you'd rather be."

He could absolutely accept that. "Yes ma'am. I'm here. I'm ready." He wanted to say more but he had to show her he could respect her rank and not talk out of line.

She hesitated, she knew there was more, looking around she said. "Lt… James, permission to speak freely." Almost at a loss for having to say that. "What's on your mind?"

He looked down at his feet then back at her eyes. It was cute. "Shepard, I'm sorry for my insubordination on the Normandy. There's no excuse. Anderson was right. You were right." He looked into her eyes hoping she'd believe him.

This is why she did not like yelling at her crew, especially when they were friends. It always created awkward moments later, but it was a necessary evil. "Look, James. I have to make sure everyone is in 100%. Either you follow my orders or you don't come, no exceptions. But I don't like people to blindly follow, I need a crew, not minions."

He exhaled, able to now really relax. If possible he respected her even more. He knew plenty of higher ranking Alliance soldiers who were threatened if they thought someone was questioning their authority.

She was happy that he would be staying. He was excellent in combat. From what she saw on Mars, with one major exception, he followed orders great, almost anticipating what she'd need. He had great people person skills, he was a natural at everything she'd seen him do, definitely an asset to the team.

Wow, was she really rambling to herself? Sad, ok she had to admit it, she was very happy he decided to stay, just her, for no other reason than she liked talking and being around him. She still had to talk to him about that shit he pulled with the shuttle on Mars; but that could wait for now. "Glad you've decided to stay on Lt. We'll need you."

He gave her an unreadable look and nodded. "Thank you." She teased him about that look. "What, not comfortable up here with all the brass?"

He gave her a half smile glad she was joking with him again. That had to be a good thing right? "Just not my style." Not wanting to belabor the moment he added "I'll be in Purgatory with the grunts if you need me for anything, Commander." He waited for her to nod and left. He had to remember that now she was his commanding officer. And that gave him a great image of her above him and rank had nothing to do with it.

As she watched him go, enjoying the view more than she should, she was also thankful he hadn't asked her anything about her meeting with the council. It was beyond frustrating and not a subject she wanted to discuss at the moment. She hadn't really expected to get help from them, but she was right damn it, she was tired of them impeding her at every turn. And of all people Udina was the one helping her! He was such a rat. She knew he wouldn't be helping unless there was something in it for him. Maybe that was cruel, but it irked her that he was able to weasel his way in as counselor when Anderson left. Something was not right with the world. She got in the elevator and hit the button for Huerta Memorial. At least she was still a Spectre. That would help a lot she thought as the doors slid closed.

She had time to kill, she'd given her crew a twelve hour shore leave on the Citadel to get supplies and unwind a bit before starting out again. She was to head to Palaven's moon to get Primarch Vidorian. While discussing things with Udina in his office the Turian councilor had approached her with an offer. Save their Primarch and get Turian support. It seemed she was going to have to get help the hard way; bypass politicians. She didn't mind, she'd rather hang out with Vorcha than deal with their wearisome asses any longer than necessary.

She walked out of the elevator as it opened thinking back to the mission they had just finished on Mars. It was good to be back; in command, on the Normandy, but somehow it felt different. Ashley didn't trust her but it was good to see her again, she'd eventually come around. And it was good to have Liara back too though they hadn't had a chance to talk much yet. Liara was currently off somewhere doing Shadow Broker stuff. Having Joker's sarcastic butt in the driver's seat gave her one less thing to worry about and one more person she could trust. And EDI was still in control of the Normandy.

Walking up to Ashley's hospital room, the fear and anger she felt at seeing that robot bitch slamming her head against the shuttle came rushing back. She'd lost Kaidan on Virmire, she wasn't going to lose Ashley too. Ashley had grown on her, being a soldier herself they had a lot in common and she and Liara had become the sisters she'd never had. Ashley and Liara had even become friends, something that when they first met seemed impossible.

The door to Ashley's room silently slid open and she went and sat on the chair by the window. Shepard wanted peace and quiet, no one would disturb her here. Shepard thought back to Virmire and the excruciating moment she told Kaidan she was going for Ashley. It's what he wanted, he always felt like he needed to prove something to everyone, even though she always knew he didn't. It didn't in any way lesson her heart break at leaving him to die. He was a damn great biotic and a good friend.

She looked at Ashley, though her bruises looked brutal she looked as if she was sleeping peacefully. Shepard wished she could sleep as peacefully. Sleep was steadily eluding her. She was getting back on a good schedule while in prison. She knew she'd have to kiss normal sleep goodbye as she attempted to take a nap before they arrived at the Citadel. Twenty minutes later she'd woken up in a cold sweat.

The boy she'd been unable to save when the Reapers devastated British Columbia, the same boy she'd seen just that same day playing with his shuttle was in her dream. It was odd, she remembered running through an unending forest, it felt like slow motion and she could hear voices. She couldn't make out what they said or whose voices she was hearing. Upon reaching the boy he burst into flame and disappeared. She didn't want to think about what it meant, it was disturbing. She spent the next hour or so keeping Ashley company and staring out the window.